Sara VII

I’m awoken by my own scream. I had the same nightmare again. It’s the nightmare that never leaves. I can’t escape from it. It’ll haunt me forever.

Virginia rushes to my side. She rubs my back to calm me down from my hyperventilation. I hate waking her up. She doesn’t need to do this for me, yet she still does. Virginia has no need to care about me as much as she does.

She’s my mom.

I have a mom again.

“You okay? I’ll get you some water, honey,” She asks as soon as I’m calm again.

“Wait,” I stop her just as she reaches my door. “You’re my mom, okay?”

Virginia smiles, “I’m your mom. I’ll be right back.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to have a second chance in life. That’s what I was given. I haven’t exactly been using it. Virginia calls it healing. I don’t know what to make of it. I just know I’m tired of feeling empty.

For the past few months, I’ve been safe. I haven’t been alone. I have people who love me.

I think it’s time.

Virginia comes into my room with a glass in hand and I ask her, “Can I invite Andrew over for Lunch?”

Virginia doesn’t protest or reject it. She just says, “Okay.”

Grace isn’t able to join us but I feel that it's better this way. It should just be between the three of us.

Mom made soft tacos with sliced beef. Andrew always eats too fast. It’s no exception today. I prefer to take my time.

“So, Andrew, any plans after you graduate next year?” Virginia tries to make conversation.

I want to tell them. I have to tell them. This entire time I just have this fear that the world will end if I do. It feels like everything will just start to crumble.

Andrew laughs, “You’re joking, right?”

“You must have something planned, no?”

“Nah, I never thought about it.”

“Sara tells me you have all straight A’s despite, um, being you. You’re obviously gifted. Isn’t there anything you’ll like to do?”

“Yeah, lots. I do them all the time.”

“No, I mean-”

“Don’t be a smart ass, Andrew,” I interrupt.

Andrew looks over to me and bites his lips. “Look, I ain’t gonna lie to you, Virginia. The only thing I see in my future is being behind some bars.”

“Don’t you think that’s a bit sad?”

“I think it’s real.”

My mind slowly starts to drift. I brought Andrew here to tell him. I have Virginia here because I trust her. Together I know these two will know what to do. I honestly feel so weak. I had the power to speak up and end all of this madness but it was just so hard. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know if I’m afraid of what will happen afterward or if everyone will start seeing me differently. It’s all so much.

What if Andrew snaps?

What if I won’t be in the custody of Virginia?

What would my Mom do?

“Prove to me you’re more than just chaos.”

“What’s in it for me?”

It’s not feasible to be living in fear. It controls me. It stops me from smiling. It drains me.

I’ve known my entire life that I was just like my mom. I’ve had this empty feeling this whole time. Everything else that has happened just exacerbates it. I can’t escape from it. It will kill me one day, just as it did with Mom. That doesn’t mean I can’t fight it.

What do they call it? Depression?

It doesn’t matter.

I used to be so afraid. I used to be so afraid that I was gay. I was afraid Andrew wouldn’t love me anymore because of it. That turned out to not be true. I was just letting fear take control of my actions. I did things that disgust me just to hide from it. It just broke me even more knowing it was all for nothing.

I buried my nose in piles of cocaine. It was my favorite drug. It masked the darkness inside and made me feel as if I never had it to begin with. It gave me power. I was a queen. I was unstoppable. Then I would crash and the numbness would come back ten times fiercer than before.

I still remember the nights Elizabeth and I would spend together. We shared the same pain. She confided in me just how lost she was becoming. I thought having another person share my addiction would make me feel less lonely. I never once thought about how she felt. And now she’s gone.

And then I remember.

I told her.

I did tell her.

Elizabeth listened. She held me. She dried my tears. She cheered me up. She stayed by my side. She told me she was going to help me escape. Then she died and never could. Why did I forget?

“Andrew, Mom,” I interrupt in a voice I don’t recognize. It’s so loud. I don’t think I’ve ever been so loud.

“Mom?”

“Yeah?

“I have something to say,” It feels like I swallowed a brick. “It’s important and scary. I don’t even know if I can, but I would like to try. I can’t keep fighting it anymore.”

“You don’t have to fight, you just have to survive.”

Virginia

I never planned to take in Sara. I can barely afford to take care of Grace as it is. I’m hardly ever home and when I am I spend most of it sleeping. I’m a terrible mother to her who never had the time to teach her how to properly be a girl. It’s my fault she turned out to be so sheltered. That was never my intention. I just wanted her to grow up to be a normal girl. Then my grandmother died and left this house for us. I took the first opportunity to get the hell out of California and all the pain her classmates were giving her. I wanted a fresh start.

I was happy that she sneaked out to that party. I let her. I just never expected a girl to shoot herself in front of my little Gracie. I thought it was going to be middle school all over again. It almost was, but Grace manage to make friends who are good to her. I still remember the first genuine smile she gave while telling me all about her day.

Sara and Emily filled in the role of the mother figure I could never give her. Grace wouldn’t leave her room for days when she thought Sara was dead. It’s a miracle she turned out to be fine. It was her brother that asked me to take her in after their father kicked her out. I didn’t want to. It wasn’t my job and I couldn’t even afford it. And then Grace asked.

Sara told me everything. She was honest. She was scared. I learned everything about her. The life she wasn’t given wasn’t fair. No child should go through what she has. It was her words that forced me to take action. I didn’t have a choice.

And yet it felt that she was hiding something else.

It was hard at first. Sara was always so cold and unresponsive. She would listen but she was never present. I tried my best, I truly did, and boy did it test my patience. Her night terrors were the worst. I didn’t know how to handle it at first. They would wake me and annoy me to the point where I would consider kicking her out. But that wasn’t the condition I gave her for getting kicked out. Not once in this entire time, she’s been with us has she touched drugs.

Sara would eventually warm up. I got her to talk to me. She started to help around the house. Eventually, I would see her smile. I started to see who she really is. Her night terrors became easier to deal with and became less frequent. Trust was born.

I don’t see her anymore as someone I’m helping get on their feet.

It feels like I gained another daughter.

Sara tries to speak but no words come out. Her entire body is shaking. She fumbles her words and I have to tell her to calm down. Sara sighs and takes a deep breath.

I’ve had my suspicions for the longest time.

It doesn’t come any easier when Sara tells us. My heart still drops and shatters. My worst fears are true. Sara’s body goes limp and I instinctively rush over to her and wrap my arms around her. I try my best to think of something to say or something to do but nothing feels right. Nothing would make it better.

Sara starts to shake and a few moments later, breaks down.

Andrew’s fist slams down on the table hard enough that I hear it cracking. “I’ll fucking KILL HIM!” He shouts. The vibrations send a cold chill down my spine. His words a genuine.

“Stop, just calm down!” I lift myself to face him.

He’s not even looking at me. “Don’t you think it’s stupid to tell me? Do you know what I’m going to do after I leave?”

“You aren’t going to do anything and let the adult handle this. I’ll-I’ll figure it out. I have a lawyer and I can-”

Andrew shrugs. He’s so sure of himself that I can’t even tell if he’s pissed off. “So what’s going to happen?”

“Nothing, yet. Just let me handle it.”

Andrew laughs and smacks the table before getting up. “Nah, let me tell you what’s going to happen. You’re gonna call the cops right now because if you don’t, that fucker’s dead, yeah?”

“Andrew!”

My words don’t reach him. He’s out the door before I can say anything else. I run outside and see he’s bolting down the street. I can feel his anger and it scares me. It’s almost supernatural. Andrew lives on the other side of town so even if he is running, it’ll take him a while to get there. He isn’t bothering to answer his phone so I’m forced to chase him. The keys are upstairs laying on my countertop so I waste a minute there. I run back downstairs to find Sara standing in front of the doorway.

“Stay in the house, sweetie. I’ll stop him!”

“Bring him back to me,” she cries.

“Okay.”

By the time I’m on the road, I don’t see Andrew anywhere. Andrew’s nowhere to be seen which doesn’t make sense. I would have caught up to him by now but he’s not anywhere. Logically, I can only think that he went inside the forest to cut straight through town. Still, I should have gotten there before him. Like a cosmic joke, there’s a car crash on one of the streets that forces me to a standstill. I’m left with no choice but to dial 911. I’ll be too late to stop anything.

I call Grace next. I don’t mean to, but I yell at her to get home so she can watch over Sara. I don’t negotiate with her.

I get to the house before the police even do. There’s nothing but silence from the outside but I’m cautious when I enter.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck! Did she call the cops?!” I hear his father.

“So it’s true?!”

“I gotta get out of here!”

I turn the corner of the living room where I can see they’re in the kitchen. Andrew is eyeing a pair of keys and then grabs them. His father notices this.

“Give me the keys, Andrew.”

Andrew backs off and shakes his head.

“Give me the fuckings keys.”

Andrew clutches the keys tighter as his father tries to grab them. “Nah,” Andrew shakes his head again.

Andrew’s father sniffs and then laughs. It’s similar to Andrews. “Don’t be a fucking idiot, Andrew. I didn’t fucking even remember it. Now give me the keys so I can fucking leave.”

“No!” Andrew is breaking down. Out of all the stories Sara shared about him, she never once mention one where he cried. Andrew never struck me as someone who does. Yet away from everyone and only to his father, he’s crying.

I need to stop this but nothing is happening just yet. The worst-case scenario didn’t happen and I’m unsure of what Andrew wants here. He’s vulnerable here. Andrew’s exactly who I thought he is.

His father pulls out a switchblade and holds it to his face. “Give me the fucking keys, Andrew, or I’ll fucking slit your throat. Don’t fucking think I’ll do it because I don’t give a shit.”

Andrew bawls his eyes out and clenches his fists around the keys. “Neither do I,” he weeps.

“Stop it, both of you!” I make my presence known.

They both look over, then two officers shout for Andrew’s father to put the switchblade down.

-

Everything happens too fast. It’s a series of driving to places and questions day in and day out. It’s exhausting and a pain. Sometimes it felt like It’ll never end but then the unthinkable happens. We get a court date and Sara gets to stay with me.

Sara gets the justice she deserves and her father is arrested. I learn that Andrew will be placed in foster care until he turns 18. He disappears from child protective services before he can go anywhere, however.

More days pass and Sara only withdraws herself even more. I planned for it for a while, but I book an appointment to have her see a therapist. It’s much earlier than I would like but I’m not enough to help her anymore. I thought things would get better now that things have settled. Things were getting better, it’s just…

It’s frustrating. Sara doesn’t talk to me anymore.

I meet Andrew on top of the tallest hill located in the town’s park. I asked him to meet me here. He hasn’t been far this entire time. He’s just been couch surfing just so they don’t take him away. He doesn’t want to be far from his sister.

“How is Sara doing?” he asks.

“I don’t know. Not well, I guess. She’s not leaving her room again.”

“Fuck,” he grunts. “Just be there for her. She’s stronger than she knows.”

“I know,” I pause. I can’t believe the idea ever seemed reasonable in my mind. I just don’t know what else to do. “Andrew, I want you to come live with us. We have one last spare room.”

“What?” he scoffs.

“It’s the only thing I can think of that makes sense now.”

“So what? You’re giving me a place to stay out of pity now? No thanks, I’m doing fine as it is now.”

“It’s not pity. It’s kindness.”

“Don’t you know anything about me? I’m no good.”

“Oh, I know. That’s why you’ll have the same rules as Sara. No more drugs, no more parties and no more destroying everything you touch.”

“Sounds like shit conditions. No thanks. Besides, I don’t need any savings. I’m too far gone.”

His words frustrate me to no end. He’s so damn stubborn that it infuriates me, even. He’s just like Grace’s father; someone who doesn’t accept other people’s help.

“There isn’t anyone in this world who’s too far gone.”

“And what’s in it for you? People are too shit. Nobody does anything just to be kind. I’m not here to fill your savior complex. You can have Sara for that.”

It’s just so sad.

“I want to live in a world where kids like you don’t believe that. Just think about it, okay? I have a room ready for you. You just have to be as strong as your sister.”

I can’t even afford it. Any spare money I have goes to feeding the girls. One more mouth would break me. I can manage. I can figure it out. There are always off-brand foods I can buy and coupons I can use. I can take longer shifts. Grace would understand.

I can do it.

But at what cost?

Just how much am I sacrificing to do what is right? Just how much will Gracie will hate me for it?

Sara

The long nightmare is over. Virginia told me the details but to be honest, I didn’t listen. I don’t care. The only thing that matters is that I get to stay here where I’m safe. That’s all that matters.

Gracie knocks on my door, “come in,” I tell her.

No lights are on. I don’t think they’ve been on for days. “I thought Mom said no smoking,” she points to the cigarette I’m holding.

Oddly enough, I haven’t had the urge to smoke it. “I’m not.”

“Oh.”

Grace has been acting odd toward me ever since that day. She’s careful with her words as if she’s afraid she’ll say something she shouldn’t. I have no doubt she knows. Everyone does. Emily’s been trying to comfort me this entire time but I don’t let her. I don’t really need it.

“You don’t have to treat me like I’m a piece of glass.”

“No, I know. It’s just,” Grace pauses to sit on the edge of my bed. “I don’t know what to do. I feel like a bitch because I started to dislike you stealing all of Mom’s attention. I feel bad. I didn’t know.”

“Grace, It’s okay.”

“I thought when you came to live with me we were going to become like sisters. I was really excited. I was mad at you for never spending time with me for that reason. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking about what you were going through”

Oh. There were various times when Grace would try to connect with me and I would brush her off. I never considered that she just wanted to be my friend again. I’m selfish that I wasn’t letting her in because I wanted to be alone. But I think that’s okay now because we’re talking now, right?

After all, everything turned out to be fine.

“You wanted to be sisters?”

“Or at least close to it. It’s hard growing up by yourself.”

My body moves on its own. It gets out of my bed and it’s only now that I notice just how messy everything is. I sit next to little Grace. She’s not so little anymore. This isn’t the timid, naive, and anxious Gracie. “We can be sisters. Everything’s over. I can only go up from here. I promise. Big sis, Sara, I like the sound of that,” I laugh.

It feels good. I haven’t laughed in so long. It genuinely feels so good. It’s like ecstasy, MDMA, and the euphoria that comes with it.

“Do you mean it?!”

“Yeah,” I smile. “What do you wanna do right now? We’ll go do it, just you and me.”

“I always wanted to see how I would look like if I dressed like you! I’ve tried your clothes, but they don’t fit.”

She is adorable. She makes me laugh. “You want to be goth?”

“No, I just want to see what I would look like.”

“Okay,” I grab hold of her hand and stand her up along with myself. “I know just the place in Seattle.”

“How are we going to get there? Mom’s at work.”

“I’m sure Andrew will let us borrow the car he always uses.”

These past few nightmare-less days have been brutal for no reason. There doesn’t have to be a reason, I accept that. The world has been monotone. It’s been colorless. It’s been binary. Lifeless.

To be honest it is been that way since Mom died. Everything truly did change after that. Dad became abusive and Andrew started to walk down a path of self-destruction. I fell into a coma of sorrow and the only thing that helped was drugs. But what happens when your nose won’t stop bleeding and nothing hits the same? Everything becomes meaningless. You lose purpose. You lose the desire to be alive. You lose the spark that pushes you forward.

That’s what happened to Elizabeth, isn’t it?

That’s all there was to it.

You lost it and I wasn’t there to help you. I could have ended up like you, but I didn’t. By some miracle, I didn’t and I’m so glad I’m not dead. I’m just so fucking happy now that I’m not dead. I truly do get my happy ending.

My father, that bastard, will rot in jail. I got my justice. Andrew is still alive too. The thread he walks hasn’t snapped. He’ll find a way to escape the demon that haunts us. He’ll find a way to stop the devil that haunts this town. Emily made it out of that car crash alive, that’s all I could ask for. We may not be as close as we used to be but I have this entire summer to be with my bestie. I’m sure Cody will use this time to win her back. I see it in his eyes just how torn he’s been. I trust him that he’ll make the right choices. And then there’s Chris. Marina saved me because of him. I never got the chance to ask him about her.

I step outside and the world is in color again. I can breathe the air. It’s so clean. The quiet sounds of outside are a symphony to my ears. I’ve never seen such beauty.

Mendelssohn or Lyle or whatever he calls himself. He was right. I can be a storm. I can stand and fight. I’m strong enough to do whatever I want. I’m strong enough to find the happiness I’ve been searching for so long. He was just wrong about being his storm. I won’t be a slave to him or fear.

I’ll be strong enough to beat the darkness that took Mom away.

I’m Sara fucking Mera.

I’m just so fucking happy I’m still alive!

“Sara!” Grace’s arms wrap around my body. “It’s gonna be okay!”

For once, I’m crying with a smile I never thought possible.