Andrew VII

There was never any ghost that haunted me. I am that ghost. I haunt. I torment. All I ever do is make things worse. All I ever do is hurt. I want to hurt. I need to. It’s the only thing that makes me feel better about myself. It’s the only thing that makes me feel real.

There’s no point in living in the past. There’s no point in worrying about the future. All we have is today. The past is dead and buried and tomorrow will never come. All we have is the now. All I have are these dreams. I dream that I never did anything bad. I dream of a world where everything turned out to be okay. In this world, I’m not on the edge. I’m not hanging by the hope that everything will turn out to be okay. I dream that I never became the person I made myself to be.

I think about falling. I think about letting go.

I know these dreams aren’t real. They’re fake. A fantasy. An illusion. A fucking joke.

What else do I have besides who I am? What else can I do besides wait? I do my rounds. I drive around the city. I hand out baggies, collect the money and go to my next destination. I beat the ever-living shit of those who can’t pay. I don’t have to, I want to. It proves I’m not the person my sister wants me to be. It’s not that I don’t notice, it’s just that I don’t care. People think I can be redeemed as if I can save myself. There’s no coming back from what I’ve done. I have to live with it. It’s all I can do.

I stop by a gas station on the way home in the middle of the night. I think it’s before midnight or something, I don’t know. I’m too fucked up on Coke and ketamine to remember to check. I do need an energy drink though. My favorite kind is always on the very bottom of the fridge. Then I hear it.

“Everything in the drawer! Give it to me now!

I stand up and see it. The clerk is terrified with his hands up. The dude with the ski mask is all twitched out.

“Yes, yes, sure,” the clerk complies.

I make my way to them, placing my two energy drinks on the counter. “What the fuck?!” I hear.

“It’s two for 4, yeah?” I say.

The gun is then pointed at me. “Where the fuck did you come from?! Don’t you see I’m trying to rob the place?”

I make sure the barrel of the gun sits perfectly between my eyes. “Don’t mean I still can’t go about my day, no?”

For whatever reason, my words bewilder him. The gun is moved out of my head, then lowered. “What are you fucking crazy?”

“Something like that.”

“Man, fuck this!” The guy says before sprinting out of the door.

I look over to the clerk. I can’t even describe the look on his face. It’s a mix between terrified and confused. I just see it as more proof of who I am, of who I’ll ever be.

I get a text from Sessions. The girl has everything planned out. Everything falls in a couple of days. I just have to make sure no one interferes. I have to make sure she’s safe from him, from Lyle. That’s all there is. That’s all there has to be. I don’t have to understand anything about it. Sessions says she wants out and can stop him. Chris has the know-how on how exactly to make sure the files go to the right people.

I don’t believe in God. I don’t believe that there was divine intervention that keeps me from ever seeing him again. It does feel that way, however. Every day I expect it to be my last. Every night I’m proven wrong. All I can do is wait. I’m just the muscle and now my story is coming to a close. This is how I’ll get my revenge, even if I have to die for it.

-

In the Diner just on the edge of Darkwood is where I find myself. I’m nearly through all the coke I had. I try to do as much as I can in the bathroom but as always, there’s always more. I want more and it’s never enough.

Sara says she’s been clean for months. She’s much stronger than I am. She has people around her to lift her up. She has the support of everything that I ever want. She deserves it. Sara has never done anything wrong. I think out of everyone, she’s the one who deserves the happy ending. I just hope she can recover from what I’ll do.

She was strong enough to survive what that piece of shit did. Fuck. I don’t even want to think about that.

I thought about it y’know?

I really did.

In the end, all I did was ask, why her? I didn’t know. Maybe I wasn’t paying attention or she just hid it really well, but I didn’t know. He never cared about us since Mom died, but that was given. But why her? Why did she have to endure so much? Why couldn’t she just trust me enough to tell me? Why couldn’t I kill him? I wanted to. I almost did.

But I cried. I just cried.

Why? It isn't me. Never was.

I sit back in my booth. There’s no one here. I don’t even recognize the waitress. I don’t think I've ever been here so late.

“A bit too late for coffee, no?”

“I’m on the night shift.”

“I feel that.”

Then the wind chime rings when the door opens. She looks around like she’s looking for someone, then she spots me. Jerrica. Emily’s sister. She isn’t wearing all the bullshit expensive shit from when I first met her. No, it’s just a regular white T-shirt and sweats.

“Fancy seeing you here,” she says, sitting in front of me.

“The feeling’s mutual. It’s pretty late, what are you doing here? Stalking me?”

Immediately, her gaze becomes fixated on me. It’s a sniper rifle ready to shoot whenever it wants.

“Something like that. My friend works here, she told me you’re here.”

“Figures.”

“Something wrong? I expected a better response.”

She makes me scoff, “What do you want? I’m not in the mood.”

“I want to know what’s with you. Andrew, fucking, Mera,” she annunciates my first name. “Lord infamous and all,” Jerrica gasps. It’s exaggerated. It’s mocking.

“Nah, nothing with me.”

“I don’t believe that,” She rests her chin between her fingers.

“Believe what you want.”

“Hmm,” her eyes roll then turn back at me. “I believe you’re much more than what everyone says you are. I believe you can show me.”

“What’s this?”

Jerrica leans over to my ear. “I’m never wrong about this, Andrew.”

“What do you care? You don’t even know me. I’m just the villain in your sister’s story. That’s all I've ever been. It’s all I ever will be.”

“I’ve been stalking you, y’know. On Facebook,” she leans back to sit back upright. “Ever since the car crash. You fascinate me. You’re a different breed, aren’t you? You don’t care about anyone. You don’t care about anything. That’s you, isn’t it?”

“What about it?”

“Your sister. Emily told me what happened. I’m sorry. I never imagine everything would be so fucked up.”

“Is that all?”

“No. It just confirms what I thought. It confirms what I want. Hmm, I see what everyone else can’t. I see the real you. I see the real Andrew. You’re much more fascinating than you lead on.”

I flop my head backward. “I’m not some psychology project,” then I look back down at Jerrica. Her gaze has not once been broken. “Go write about someone else.”

“There is no paper to write. I’m studying to become a lawyer.”

I scoff, “Then all you want to find out is what makes me tick. You want to know why I do what I do just to make you a better lawyer, that it?”

She shakes her head. “Not everyone has an ulterior motive, Andrew.”

I heard something similar like that before. Yeah, it was Grace’s mom that said it. She said she didn’t want to live in a world where people like me don’t believe in the kindness of others. It’s bullshit. Everyone wants something from somebody.

I catch myself examining Jerrica’s face. She isn't that pretty. She can’t match the aesthetic of Emily but each imperfection adds to her. Her head is a bit too long, her chin is a bit too rounded and her nostril tilts slightly to the left. She has too many freckles. The color of her red hair is bland as if it’s fading. Even her eyes are a bit too far apart for my liking. Jerrica isn’t beautiful.

But here at this moment, she is.

She’s so beautiful.

“So what’s your motive then? I’ll tell you mine. I want to fuck the shit out of you. Right here, right now.”

Jerrica giggles, covering her mouth to stop herself from actually laughing. “There he is. I was wondering when you would show up. I guess with all that’s been going on it’s been hard to put on the mask.”

“I’m coming down from Ketamine. That’s all there is to it.”

“What else do you do? You sell, right?”

“Coke, M, Acid, Shooms, Xanax, Meth. Shit if you can get high to it, I can sell. You still haven’t answered my question. What’s your motive, Jer-bear? You don’t come hunting me down just to get to know my life story.”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“Then what is this?”

Jerrica stumbles on her breath. For the first time, I catch her looking away. She plays with her fingers and bites her lips. I thought she would be confident from how she’s been acting up to this point. “I want,” she pauses. “I want you.”

My dick twitches. Something else does but I ignore it.

“You’re a funny one,” I crack up. “Just in time too, you were starting to bore me.”

“I’m serious.”

“Like shit you are.”

Jerrica doesn't hesitate to lift herself up from her seat to lean in. She doesn’t stop and soon enough I can feel her heavy breath. I close my eyes. Shit, I actually close my eyes but nothing happens. Her hand is in between our lips. Jerrica sits back down. “You have no idea just how beautiful I find you,” she whispers.

I laugh again. “So I was right in the money this entire time. You just wanted to fuck me. Well let's go,” I motion my head towards the exit. “Back of the diner’s good enough.”

“I don’t want to fuck you, Andrew. I want to know what’s with you.”

“What’s with me?”

“Yes.”

“You’re serious?”

She nods.

“You know who I am. I hurt people. I hurt your sister, shit I was trying to fuck her. I still want to. I’m a criminal facing the barrel of a gun every day. I don’t give a shit ‘bout anything not named Sara. Fuck, I just do things just because it’ll be funny. I am not a good person, Jerrica. I’ve been dealt a shit life and this is how I cope with it. I’m a drug addict, I love to fuck, and I love being the center of attention. I’ll put my dick into anything as long as they let me. I destroy. That’s all I do.”

“And what else? Tell me more.” Her chin is resting on her palm.

“I’m no good. I couldn’t even protect Sara from our dad. She never told me. She couldn’t tell me. She was that afraid. For fucks sake, she tried to kill herself because she couldn’t trust me enough to ask me for help. And what do I do when I do find out? Nothing. I couldn’t do anything and it fucking makes me sick. I couldn’t bring myself to end the motherfucker’s life like how I wanted to.”

“You want to commit suicide too, don’t you? You just want it to mean something,” her voice sings. Her words break me, whatever that means.

“Sara was saved by my supplier, by the guy who runs the whole thing. He was trying to brainwash her just like what he did to me. This entire fucking time he’s been playing me. I’m a puppet. Just like that, *poof*, my entire identity shattered. What good does my life serve when everything I built was made from hollow sticks? I’m nothing. I’m shit.”

Jerrica takes a napkin from the holder and wipes it just under my left eye. I never noticed the tears falling. “You’re not nothing. Just because you dug your grave doesn’t mean you should lay in it.”

“Fuck you!”

“I think you're the person I want to fall in love with, Andrew.”

I understand the word but the meaning has no feeling. I’ve heard it's fun. I heard it's the most painful thing one can experience. I’ve watched it all around me. Cody and Emily have it however dysfunctional they’ve become. Grace has it for Cody. I’ve seen what it does and how it changes people. I’ve never had use for the feeling.

“What the fuck are you talking about? Why me? You know what I’m about. It’ll ruin your life, Jer-bear.”

Jerrica takes a deep breath and takes even longer to exhale. She stands. “Come,” her hand extends out to mine. I don’t understand this at all. Nothing about it makes sense. I just know I want to take it. So I do and follow her to the exit. Jerrica looks back at me with a smile and walks me towards the side of the building where there’s no windows. She pushes me so my back hits the wall. “Do you want to know what I see?”

“Hurry up, yeah? These jeans won't be able to hold my dick any longer.”

“I see a boy who was forced to be a man for the sake of his sister. He’s been ripped from his childhood. I see a boy who has been rejected by the world. He’s angry and full of hate. Yes, he wants to hurt. Yes, he wants to burn it all to the ground. He who has everything ripped away from him wants to nothing else but to the same to others.” Jerrica presses her body against mine, with her hand laying on my chest. It’s here that I notice she’s a bit taller than me

I instinctively unbuckle my jeans and try to pull my dick out but Jerrica stops me.

Her lips are ever so close to mine.

“But I see a man yearning for the love he never received. I see a man who is jealous and envious of people who have what he doesn’t. I see a man on the verge of falling off the edge. He’s been holding on for far too long now. He holds onto a single thread that someone will pull him up someday. I see a man who is tired. I see the man who you can become. I see a man who wants nothing else but to find his inner child again. I see you, Andrew.”

Her lips lock into mine. It’s far too different. Everything else before this now feels so superficial. They all feel meaningless. Her lips are far too soft. They are far too sensual. They’re sweet. They hold me in a lock. It pulls me in. They tell me that everything is okay now. They tell me I don’t have to fight anymore.

“I can’t be saved,” I pull my head away. “I can’t.”

Jerrica moves her head down and lightly bites my neck. “You want to.”

“I ca-I can’t. I’ve done things. Things I can’t ever take back.”

She moves back, releasing my body from her grip. “I don’t care.”

“No, you don’t get it. I’ve k-”

Jerrica shuts my mouth with her palm. “When I first met you, when I first saw you. I knew. I just knew you’re the person I’m supposed to be with. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done. It doesn’t matter who you are now. You can change. I can help. I want to help. I can help you escape the ghosts that haunt you. I can love you. All you have to do is accept. Let me love you.”

“I-”

I can’t even think right now. I don’t even know what I’m feeling. Relief? No, I don’t think I can even come close to putting it into words. I never felt this way before. It burns but it doesn’t hurt. It’s grabbing me and becomes tighter by the second and yet I’m able to breathe more clearly. It’s warm but if it was an action, not a feeling. It’s like snorting a big line of cocaine and all the dopamine rushes in your brain. It’s euphoric but it never lasts. So you do more and more just to keep it going. No. This is exact same feeling but I don’t need to have more. It’s the intense amplifier to touch, sound, sight, smell, and taste that MDMA gives. It urges me to kiss her. It screams at me to not let her go. It whispers to me that she’s the one. It wraps itself around me just to hum to me.

I want to give her my world. I want her to never feel alone. I want her to be safe. I want to see her smile and to hear her laugh every day. I want to dedicate every part of my soul just to her.

A faint drum plays inside my heart. It’s playing irregularly as if it hasn’t played for a while. It corrects itself as its plays louder and louder until it finds its rhythm. It comes back alive.

“You can let go now. You don’t have to hold on anymore.”

This is love.

Jerrica wears a frown. I absolutely hate it. I don’t want to ever see it again. She takes another step back, disappointed that I can’t give her an answer. It’s rare for the moon to shine so brightly. It feels like it’s shining directly at her, like a spotlight.

I don’t get it. I’m shit. I’m just going to hurt her. I’ll destroy her. I’m not worthy of love. I have never been. I’m not worthy of her. There isn’t a thing about me that she can save. And yet…

“Love me.”

My words spark her joy back to life. I don’t give her time to do anything else as I grab her and push her down to the grown. I grab her lips exactly the same way she did. It feels exactly the same. They feel like I found a home.

“We should stop here,” she moans and pulls a hand from her under her sweatpant’s waistband. “I’ll love you, Andrew,” she sits up after I let her go. “On one condition.”

“Anything.”

“Prove to me that you can love me back. Prove to me that you’re able to love yourself.”

I want to laugh but I just don’t have it in me anymore. After all, nearly every laugh I do is fake. “I don’t know if I can.”

“You can. You will,” she stands so she can adjust her clothes. “Nothing can happen between us right now anyways. You’re a minor and I’m turning into an old lady.”

“Law never stopped me before.”

“Graduate, Andrew. Use the next year to become the person who’ll love me. Stop walking the road that leads to your death. Start asking the people who care about you for help. You’re not alone. You never were. Be faithful to me and me only. From here on out, I’m yours and you’re mine. Use this next year to find peace. I’ll be there, I’ll guide you. After all that, come find me in New York. I’ll be waiting.”

I don’t find words that I want to say.

“Promise me.”

“And if I fail?”

Jerrica shrugs, “Then I guess I’ll add it to my broken heart collection.”

“Well then, can I at least get your number?”

I wasn’t trying to be funny and yet she bursts out in laughter. It’s contagious and for the first time in a long while, I laugh with her. I hear my real laugh.

Love. That’s what this is.

“I promise.”

-

Grace opens the door with confusion that’s justified.

“Yo!”

“Dude, it’s 2 in the morning.”

“Your mom home?”

Grace’s confusion only widens. Behind her, I find Sara walking down the stairs. She stops when she’s able to see me. “Grace, who the hell is it!?” I hear Virginia upstairs.

“It’s Andrew!” She yells back.

Virginia places a fresh cup of tea in front of me. “Sorry, I made you wait. It’s punishment for waking us up, but the tea should help you calm down.”

“I am calm.”

“You’re anxious,” she points with her pinky finger while she drinks from her own cup. “Afraid that I’ll take back my offer?”

“Don’t assume that’s why I’m here.”

“Drink your tea, honey. There’s no other reason why you would be here if it wasn’t. It’s okay, the offer stands. You can stay.”

“Thanks. I mean, thank you.”

“Your room will be next to mine. It’s empty so you’ll have to make do with just blankets for tonight. Also, give me whatever you have on you. The second I find you with anything, you’re out.”

I pull the few baggies out of the inside pocket of my jacket. Virginia takes them and examines them for a bit. “That’s all I have. It’s just what I use.”

“Can I ask what changed?”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t see the anger in your eyes anymore. You’re just like Grace’s dad. Stubborn to a fault and would never ask anyone for help even if meant it would save him.”

“He’s dead, right?”

“Yeah,” Virginia pulls out a cigarette. “Do you have a light? Don’t forget your tea.”

“What happened?” I give her my lighter and take the tea.

“He-Joseph got me pregnant with Grace just a week after we met. I was barely 17, the fucker. Told me he was wearing a condom but we were drunk so I didn’t really notice. It took me two whole months to muster up the courage to tell anyone. Mom wanted to throw me out, luckily my dad was more calm. We all expect me to become a single mom, but no. When I told Joseph, he was so excited. It was his dream.” Virginia lights the cigarette and takes a long drag. “He stuck around. He dropped everything on the spot to start working with his dad. He encourage me to graduate so I could get into college and a better education. He had it all planned out, and it worked.”

Virginia points at a picture on the fridge. It’s one of Grace's when she was a baby.

“When Grace was born, we lost all time for ourselves. It was weird. We were raising this kid together while we didn’t know what we were to each other. All of my friends would joke that were just friends who happen to be raising a baby together. I didn’t care. It never stopped me from falling in love with him at that time.”

A person who stops at nothing to support those he loves.

“I was supposed to drive that day to the store. I would be the one who would've died if he didn’t insist to drive. That stubbornness is what killed him but it’s what save my life. It was miracle enough that Grace survived too. Oh, how I wish he could see the woman Gracie is becoming.”

“Does she know?”

“She hasn't asked. I think she's too scared to.”

The tea is sweet. “I’ll only stick around until I graduate then I’ll get out of your hair.”

“So who’s the girl? Who's the girl that managed to do what everyone else couldn't?”

“Promise me you’ll keep it secret, yeah? No one can know, not even Grace or Sara.”

“I promise.”

"I made a promise too," I smile.