Emily VI

I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore. I feel as if I don’t belong. I’m an imposter playing the part of someone who left long ago. I’m not that person anymore. I feel that I am and not simultaneously and it's tearing me apart. I’m as selfish as Soran tells me.

Darkwood is poison to me. Ever since I’ve been back I’ve regressed back to old habits. I stopped eating, I’ve been getting high more frequently and I’ve been sleeping less. It’s all in my head, I know but the atmosphere just doesn’t sit right with me. I’m the only one who can feel it.

Andrew said earlier today that he made up with Cody. I find it hard to believe. The text I’ve kept in delivered scares me. He wants me to see the spot where the next treehouse is going to be built. I’m not scared of going. I’m scared that Andrew’s right. I’m scared that Cody has changed and that he’s actually ready.

I’m scared because I moved on.

I find myself in Seattle because I don’t know what else to do. A form of therapy is shopping. It’s the only thing that ever helps. Living in New York has expanded my sense of fashion. I always thought of creative ways to wear sweaters and overalls with skirts or old-style jeans. That’s how I've always been. I had to in order to hide my weight but I no longer have to do that. I’ve grown to add crop tops and cute jackets to my arsenal. It’s something I can take pride in now.

I find some cute stuff I can wear for the summer but it just doesn’t hit the spot how it usually does. I still have that empty and confused feeling I’ve felt all day. I get nauseous so I sit beside one of the buildings outside. Just as I do, I get a text from Soran.

“I saw a raven sitting down on a fence today. It reminded me of you.”

It’s enough to calm me down a bit. I’m thinking too much.

“I won’t be gone too long,” I text him back.

The city’s breathing. It lives and ducks down to keep its secrets. The horns and engines consume the sound as it passes me by. People pass by with no acknowledgment I exist. They’re all in their own little world and rushed to be in a meeting. No one here is concerned about the dumb little problems I have.

I know I can’t keep Cody as my friend. I’ll just have to hurt him even more than I already have. I don’t have a choice. It doesn’t matter if he’s different now. It doesn’t matter if he’s grown up. I’m the one who is deciding.

I don’t need Cody anymore.

I have Soran.

I spaced out again.

As I stand I don’t notice the girl I stumble into. “Oh sorry, I didn’t see you.” The girl doesn’t mind and instead helps me up. “Oh, you really didn’t have to.”

I await a response but I don’t get one. Once I dust my butt off, I lift my head to meet her eyes. They’re completely white except for her pupil. Then I notice her eyebrows and then her hair. Both are completely white. Her skin is so pale too. The only thing protecting her from the sun is the umbrella she holds.

She’s beautiful.

“No, it’s my bad. I’m the one who didn’t see you,” I read from her phone.

“Huh?”

I watch her type on her phone a bit confused but then I figure this girl can’t talk. She’s mute. “My vocal cords don’t work. I’m mute. Sorry.”

“No, no, it’s okay. I’m more taken aback by how pretty you look.”

The girl blushes with a smile. The girl wears an oversized T-shirt that rests just above her knees and her jeans are just as baggy. It reminds me of how rappers dressed in the early 2000s. “Oh, thank you. I don’t get that a lot.”

“Why not? You’re beautiful.”

“Most people see me as a freak.”

“Well, they have no taste.”

I’d never seen anyone like her before. If she lived in New York I have no doubt in my mind that she would get scouted to be a model. They hunger for one of a kind and this girl is one in a billion.

“Stop, you’re gonna make me fall in love,” I read while the girl can’t even look me in the eyes anymore. “Thank you though, I really needed that. I’ve had a shit day.”

“Oh, why’s that?”

“The worst-case scenario happened at work and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, is there anything I can do to help?”

The girl shakes her head. She starts to write down on her phone again but deletes its shortly after. “I’m Marina. It’s nice to meet you.”

The name sounds familiar but I can’t place my finger on it. “Emily. Hi!”

Oddly enough, her eyes twitch at the mention of my name. I probably subconsciously did the same when I read her name. I get this feeling that we know each other. That couldn’t be possible. Marina’s appearance isn’t something you can forget.

“Something wrong?”

Marina frantically shakes her head. “No. You just reminded me of a friend. You have the same name.”

“And here I thought I was one of a kind,” I joke.

I make her laugh. No noise comes out of her even though I know even people with broken vocal cords can still make sounds over a laugh. “Why were you sitting?”

“Oh you know, I’m not having the best day either.”

“Anything I can do to help?”

I kick the ground. “Not unless you convince my brain to eat the cake I made. Someone I love wants to be in life again but I just can’t do it.”

“Boy trouble?”

“You ever had?”

Marina shakes her head with a frown. “I never had the luxury.”

“It’s not as great as it seems.”

Marina sits where I just stood up from. “I don’t have anything else to do. Tell me about it.”

I sigh and sit next to her. She’s a stranger. I’ve already gone over it dozen times with Jerrica. Each time I just get stuck with the same issue. I don’t want to let Cody go. He’s my best friend.

A stranger is the best person to go over things. I won’t ever see Marina again anyways. Even if I ask for her socials, I’m not going to stick around anyways.

I tell her everything. I start just with who Cody is to me. How we grew up with each other and always had each other's back. Everything about was seemed perfect. Even both of our parents saw us ending up together. That’s just how it was. Then Cody changed. He became more cocky and arrogant and I was fine with it all until he started being an asshole to me. I’m sure he never meant it but it felt like I was just his safety net.

Then he started avoiding me after Elizabeth's death because he felt it was all his fault. He recognized that he was headfucking her and didn’t want to do it to me. I was just desperate to keep him around so it just led to him trying to do it to me too. I always thought I was different. I always thought he wouldn’t play me like that. I was wrong. So I left the second I could. I told him I wanted to hurt him so much just so he could change back to the quiet but kind boy I knew.

The plan was always for me to come back expecting him to be ready; to be calmed down.

I just never thought I would fall in love with someone else.

I just never thought it would be possible.

“Oof, you really had to make it complicated, didn't you?” Marina writes.

I truly didn’t mean to.

“I get the gist of it. I think I can help.”

“How?”

Marina extends her hand to me. Without thinking I take it. Marina opens her mouth to say something but nothing comes out yet I’m able to read her lips nonetheless, “close your eyes.”

-

Elizabeth sits next to me on top of the treehouse with both of our feet hanging out. It’s just the two of us. “So you’re not mad that I’m with him? How could you be so cool about it?”

I shake my head while checking out my nails. “He always comes back to me.”

Elizabeth almost scoffs, “Maybe this time he won’t.”

I remember this day. It was early during the summer while we were all just getting to know each other. We were waiting for everyone else to join us. I’m not watching this. I’m reliving it again.

“I doubt that.”

“What makes you say that?”

“We made a promise to marry one another when we turn 21”

Right. We were never truly friends. We put up amicable faces with one another. I never like the fact that she was dating him that summer and she never liked me because I was so smug that it. We were both putting up this farce just to keep the peace.

In fact, I think part of me was glad that she wouldn’t be part of our lives anymore.

Before I can process just how terrible I am for thinking that, I’m with Cody now. We’re in his room with my head resting on his bare chest. He’s messaging the back of my head with one hand and holding me tight with the other. I don’t remember this.

“You think this is okay? Did she really fuck Andrew?” I ask him.

“Yeah, she did,” he says so calmly.

“You didn’t break up with her yet, huh?”

“No.”

“Good.”

Right. This was the night before we found out what she was doing. This was right before everything fell apart. This was the last time I would have him like this.

Cody kisses the top of my head. It prompts me to move up and meet his lips. “You’ll be mine forever,” I tell him. I move myself to get on top of his. His bed sheets roll my back, exposing my body to him. I’m skinny, far too skinny. I can see the outline of my bottom ribs. There isn’t a person who would ever see this except for him.

“Yours forever.”

I move my hand to adjust it then we converge once more.

I remember the first time we did it; awkward and unpleasant. The second was barely any better. The third was when Mom and Jerrica left for New York, I thought that one felt the most special. Thirty minutes ago would be the fifth and this is now the sixth. It’s all passion. It’s all romantic. Time is taken. It’s slow. It’s sweaty and hot. It’s amazing. I want nothing less.

My head ends up laying on his chest again after it’s over.

“I want it to be the two of us from now on. I don’t want anything to come between us anymore.”

“Okay,” he responds. He moves me out of the way to reach over to his drawer. A chocolate bar greets my face. “Here, eat.”

“Trying to fatten me up?”

He chuckles, “Have you ate today?”

“Chocolate’s the best you have?” I say after taking it.

“Let’s go out for dinner then, in Seattle.”

“Okay.”

-

When I open my eyes, I find Marina standing in front of me with her phone facing me. “Did that help?”

I’m not sure what just happened. It was like I was sent to the past it was that real. Yet, I’m not questioning too much. It felt natural.

How could I have forgotten?

I’m not a saint. I’m just as bad. I’m just as toxic. I’m just a hypocrite.

-

I’m more sure now than ever that Cody and I are over. Today’s the day I get the break our hearts. Not because he isn’t good for me anymore. No, he’s not to blame anymore. I am. I’m the one who isn’t good for him. I’m his poison.

I find him where he said he would be all day. Ten minutes east of where the old treehouse was, I find another clearing. Near the middle is a gigantic tree that hasn’t been growing right. It’s all tilting down to my right. I can already see how Cody would build another one.

“I didn’t think you would show up,”

“Well, here I am. Where’s Travis? You said he’s helping you.”

“He’s in town buying some planks.”

“I guess it’s better this way.”

“You think? Come, I gotta show you the blueprint.” I follow him to the base of the tree where he has everything stationed. The outline of the house is similar to what I had in my head. A base is going to be built on the bottom to help the two large tree branches support the bottom of the house. It’s designed to have smaller tree branches go in and out freely. It’ll have a patio where the entire tree will flow from and actually starts to enter. It’ll be much more massive than the old one.

“Did your dad draw this?”

“Travis. Impressive right?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you down to help a bit while you’re still here?”

“Listen, Cody, I need to tell you that-”

“Save it,” he interrupts. “Whatever you have to say, just tell me when you’re about to leave. It’ll be easier that way. Let’s just enjoy the little time we have together.”

He knows. He has to know, doesn’t he? I haven’t exactly been hiding it. I barely text him anymore and barely respond. I’ve been back home for two weeks now and I’ve only hung out with him a couple of times. We haven’t been alone together since Grace’s birthday. Jerrica or Grace are usually the ones who are the to break the tension.

If he knows, then he already has accepted it.

“If that’s what you want then, okay.”

“Chin up,” Cody scoffs. “Their world won’t end.”

In my peripheral vision, I see a guy walking toward us. “Oh, Travis is here,” but it's not him. Cody immediately gets in front of me and I have to take a step sideways to see who it is.

I’ve only seen him once, but once was enough. The way he walks creates this strong aura where he just owns the space. It was like that back then, it’s like that now. I don’t know why he’s here.

“Pretty cozy place you have,” Lyle speaks.

“What are you doing here?”

“Refuge,” he claims. “Hmm, I heard from a friend of mine that there was a treehouse in the middle of this forest. I couldn’t find it, but I found this instead.”

“Well, it’s gone now anyways. We’re just about to leave too.”

“Ah, now I recognize you,” he points his finger at us. He’s just pointing but he makes it seem so terrifying. “You’re Elizabeth’s boyfriend. Yeah. She’s the one who told me about this place. I thought I should finally check it out now that I have the time for it.”

“She’s dead,” I blurt out accidentally.

“I know. Sort of wish you were more careful with my angel. She was supposed to be my masterpiece and you guys took that away.”

“What?!” Cody’s expression instantly changes from worried to anger.

“I’m still pretty pissed about it. She was mine.”

“So what Andrew told me was right. You’re the one who fucked her up. It’s you. It’s always been you! It’s you who she got the gun from!”

It all clicks for me. I never knew. This is what she was hiding from us. Elizabeth was working for Lyle just like Andrew. It wasn’t our fault. Lyle. He’s the one behind everything. He’s the one who Andrew works for. He’s the one who Elizabeth turned to. The way he stands is so scary like he’s ready to attack us at any moment. I hide behind Cody.

“And?” Lyle walks up to Cody. I take a few steps back. “Certainly I never told her to shoot herself with it. She was my doll, I would never do that. I guess she couldn’t really handle killing that addict,” He chuckles.

No.

That can’t be true. Elizabeth would never do that. It’s the last thing she would ever do. We may have never gotten along but she was kind. She was friendly and went out of her way to make sure she never intentionally hurt anyone. She could never.

My eyes are drawn to Cody’s clenched fist. He’s holding back.

“You’re lying.”

“I had to break her somehow.” Cody rushes him and Lyle moves out of the way like it’s nothing. He stumbles and almost falls. “That’s no way to treat a guest. I’m not here to fight.”

“I am!” Cody’s eyes are nothing but rage. It’s the same he had that same summer night with Elizabeth. “How many like her? Just how twisted are you?!”

“I’ve got dozens. And they all love me too,” he laughs; mocking. “You should try it out, it’s a great feeling.”

Elizabeth wasn’t the only one?

“You there, you’re pretty cute. Want to be one of my muses?”

“As if!” Cody swings at Lyle but misses. The next one is caught and he’s just pushed away.

“I’m kidding,” Lyle laughs. “I’ll leave but you need to ease up. Life’s not that serious.”

“Just go!”

“You won’t be so lucky next time.”

-

Cody hasn’t said anything for the next ten minutes. I still haven’t processed what Lyle said. It can’t be true.

But it makes sense.

He forced her. That’s the only way she would and it was killing her inside. That’s the only thing that makes sense. It just means that it wasn’t us she died over. Does that even clear us from any wrong? I don’t think so.

It’s not even something she could ever talk about. How could she? She just had to live with it. All the drugs she was taking, all of that was just to mask the pain. She just wanted to be numb and we took that away from her. If only we knew. I know now that I can’t live in a world of what-ifs. The dead don’t speak.

“Are you okay?” I finally ask.

Cody just bumps his head against the trunk of the tree. He brings his knees up and lays his elbows on them and holds his hands. “I think I finally get it,” he says.

“Get what?”

It takes him a while to respond, but he says, “I’m sorry, Ems,” he turns his head to meet my eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For who I am. I made up my mind.”

He sounds so sincere. His words come out shaking. I imagine he’s being split in two. That’s how he feels. He’s heartbroken. I want to tell him that’s is okay. I want to lie to him that there isn’t anything to apologize for. I want to show him that everything will be fine.

But I can’t.

The memories that I remembered when I held that girl’s hand this morning pop up again. When it happened, it didn’t feel real. It’s like I was in a movie. And yet I didn’t question it.

I paint myself as a person who’s good.

I don’t have the right to say that anymore.

I think I know what I want too.