I woke up, still lying on the floor. I sat up against the wall with my head in my hands and cried. I wanted to die not wake up again. All of the pressure of being 'perfect' was getting to me. I'd never be perfect. I'd never be what anyone wanted, not now, not ever.

I picked myself up and held onto the door handle whilst I could orientate myself properly. I dragged myself to my bedroom and threw myself onto my bed. I wanted Pro-Ana, it was the only thing that made me feel better, seeing all of these beautiful, inspiring girls with their inspirational messages telling me that I will make it and I will get to the size that I want to be.

My mum was cooking downstairs, she wouldn't know if I checked twitter or Facebook would she? I carefully closed my door without making too much noise and logged onto twitter first, there was nothing on there, everyone was tweeting as usual so I decided to check Facebook. Worst mistake ever.

'Lauren Roscoe is a big fat jealous cow'

'Lauren Roscoe is an attention seeking whore'

How could they be saying this? I am neither of them things. I didn't even know who was writing them, I'd never spoken to them people in my life. I got a message off someone. Tamsin. 'You were a bit eager to get out of maths today weren't you?' Why couldn't she just leave me alone? All I ever did for her was pick up the broken pieces of her life and make them better for her. I looked out for her and cared for her. I stayed up most nights on Skype to her when she was upset about something. It's not my fault we fell out. She told me that it was either her or my best friend. I told her that it was either both of them or none of them, so spitefully she chose that she would ditch us for her boyfriend. Spread rumours and lies around the school and turn everyone against us. I got another message, thankfully this one was off Jodie.

'Hey Lauren, sorry but I can't be friends with you anymore. I don't know why you're acting like this but now I'm getting crap for being your friend when in reality you don't even speak to me anymore.'

I felt my heart sink. Here comes the sick feeling again. I had never felt sick properly this much in 3 years. Now I had no one. I've lost everything in my life that has ever meant anything to me all because of these stupid voices in my head and these stupid girls making it impossible for me to feel confident in myself or even accept myself for who I am and who I am not or will never be, I wish I could just make myself disappear, or at least not go to school anymore.

I had to try something to get out of school. Even though I guessed my mums answer it was worth a go.

"Mum?" I innocently questioned.

"Hey gorgeous, are you feeling any better?" she replied.

"Yeah but I want to ask you something and I know your answer will probably be no bu-"

"Get to the point!" she laughed.

She was in a good mood which was good, she always compromised when she was like this.

"Well I have just been thinking about dad and what he used to do and it's affecting my work at school I was just wondering if it would be okay to have tomorrow off?" I was hopeful that she would say yes.

"I don't want you drawing attention to what happened, Lauren. I want everything to be normal."

"I know mum but I promise I will catch up on work, I just don't feel right at the moment."

"Only tomorrow?" she asked inquisitively.

"yes, promise."

"Well since I'm feeling nice then yes, I will leave at around 6am so I will try not to wake you."

I reached my arms forward and held her tightly "thank you! thank you! thank you!" and proceeded to run upstairs.

That was the closest I had been to my mum for as long as I could remember, it felt nice in a way but I got very self conscious in case she could feel my fat. In case she was thinking 'Lauren has put some weight on hasn't she!" I didn't want any one to think that especially not my mum but I know she probably did because everyone thinks that. I'm a mess. I can't be happy for more than five minutes without my mind turning every situation into hell.