I didn't want to be like this. I just couldn't help myself anymore. It was a Monday morning and I was getting ready for school. I took my pyjama top off and stared at the scar on my left shoulder and memories came flashing back. The harsh smell of vodka running through my nostrils every time my dad would scream at me, the rush of cold air before his fist hit my face and the feeling of guilt every time he hit my mother. All of this was my fault and there was nothing I could do about it. Maybe if I was never born then this would never have happened. Everyday I wake up and wonder why I'm still here. What's my purpose? all I do is hurt people by simply being here. I could close my eyes to the things I didn't want to see but I couldn't close my heart to the things I didn't want to feel. Whenever someone asked what was wrong, my instant reaction was to lie and say everything was fine, despite how bad I really felt. Pretending to be happy is physically and mentally exhausting.

My anxiety had taken over me as soon as I shut the car door and said bye to my mum. I closed my eyes and swallowed slowly.

"Hey Lauren!" smiled Jodie, she had been my best friend since I was 3 and even now I couldn't tell her what was going on. We walked into school together and I put a smile on my face. My school uniform was so loose on me now I had to pull up my skirt every five seconds. My first class was maths and the girl I sat by, Tamsin, she used to be my friend but she suddenly turned on me. She wrote horrible tweets and statuses about me which my mum seen and made me delete all of my social media accounts, she made rumours about me which ended up everyone calling me a 'fat whore' not just a whore, a fat one. I guessed I would always be the fat friend, no matter how much weight I lost.

"Are you sure you're going to fit on that chair?" She laughed whilst looking around for attention.

"I'm not in the mood for an argument, just leave me alone." This was the most I had said to her for a long time and it felt good sticking up for myself.

"Why not? has daddy been back home?" she laughed again.

I couldn't take it, I packed my things away and stormed out. I dragged myself along the corridor with my eyes filled with tears, I couldn't see where I was going. Everything was a blur. I felt dizzy and just wanted to go home.

"Lauren what are you doing back home so early? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine I just don't feel too good, I'm going to take a nap."

As I walked upstairs I began to cry even harder than I already was. The bathroom is next to my bedroom. The door was open an inch, as if it was enticing me to go in. I could either go in there now and wake up thinner or feel guilty for not doing it.

I lent against the sink staring at my reflection. I was nothing to anybody. I knelt down by the toilet and thrusted my fingers to the back of my throat. Nothing happened at first, I had to thrust my fingers another 3 times before I felt the fat making it's way up my throat. Finally, I felt the relief of after being sick. I felt so much better every time I did this although, it was starting to hurt. Suddenly, my vision was gone. All I could see was black, slowly, I fell into unconsciousness.