Chapter Six

It was a few days later when Phil stood in front of Dan's door.

It had been kind of an impulsive decision, really. Phil had somehow managed to once again avoid Dan for days, just that this time, Dan knew why the black haired man was ignoring him, at least Phil assumed that.

But tonight, he needed to talk. He wanted to talk. Right now. However, Dan was probably mad at him.

So when Phil knocked Dan's door right at 2:43 in the morning, he didn't even expect him to answer, also considering the fact that 2:43 in the morning probably wasn't a normal time to randomly knock someone's door.

"Phil? What the hell are you doing here?"

Phil just stared at him, trying to think of something to say. Yeah, why was he here? To apologise? To embarrass himself even further? To hurt himself?

"I... I'm sorry."

Now it was Dan's turn to stare, and Phil could tell the brunet wasn't sure what to say to that. But in the end, he decided to answer with a question. "Sorry for what?"

"Lying to you. Avoiding you. I don't really know, I guess."

Dan didn't say anything. Phil had no idea how he felt, and his face didn't really give anything away, either.

"Do you have any idea what time it is?"

Phil checked his phone for the time. Of course, he knew Dan's question had been rhetorical, but he couldn't help it. "Currently... 2:44 in the morning."

"So, to summarise all of this, you ignore me for four days just to come to my house at 3 in the morning so you can apologise?"

"Quarter to 3," Phil corrected Dan, which earned him a roll of his eyes.

Silence.

"You know what?" Dan started after a while and grabbed his coat from a hanger next to the door. "I need some fresh air. You wanna come with me?"

Phil just nodded, grateful Dan hadn't sent him away or yelled at him. He didn't even seem to be angry. Just tired.

The past few times they'd met, Phil had noticed how Dan liked wearing either monochrome or pastel colours. He never really wore anything bright.

Phil used to be quite the opposite. He used to wear bright T-shirts and plaid shirts all the time, but at some point, he'd kind of stopped wearing the bright colours. Plaid shirts were still his favourite, even though he liked black shirts with somewhat nerdy prints on them as well.

Phil had also noticed how Dan didn't give a crap when it came to gender roles, so it didn't surprise him when he saw him wear a pastel pink wool coat. And he had to admit, the colour suited the brown-eyed man well.

Sometimes Phil wished he'd have the courage to do things like that. Being able to wear nail polish, wear pink things and do some more 'girly' things in general. But he was too scared people would judge him.

Dan walked up the stairs and Phil followed him. He didn't ask, but he assumed they were on their way to the rooftop of the building.

And of course, he was right. There was just so many possibilities of where some stairs could lead in a random apartment building.

Once they had opened the door and went outside, they were both greeted with a cold breeze. Phil pulled his coat closer to his body. It wasn't too cold, but suddenly a slight fear came over him. It was just now he realised that Dan might actually confront him now. Like, actually. Shit.

He looked up. Even though Dan's house wasn't a skyscraper obviously, one still had a pretty nice view over London up here. One couldn't see that much, but it all still looked pretty and the skyline seemed stunning at night.

"I like coming up here when I need to think," Dan started, not looking at Phil but instead admiring the view. "Barely anyone who lives in this building ever comes up here, except for me. I know it's cliché but I just... It's nice. The view, and all. No distractions, no other people. Sometimes I need that, you know?" He turned around and smiled absent-mindedly, looking at Phil but not really looking at him.

Phil understood Dan so well. He sometimes wished for a place like this. But well, on the roof of his apartment building he would usually find his neighbour Shane, smoking a pretty unhealthy amount of weed, and Phil couldn't find another place. He kind of envied Dan.

"So?" Dan asked eventually after the black haired man hadn't said anything, and Phil lightly shook his head to get away from his thoughts. "What is it you wanted to tell me?" Dan asked and Phil bit his lip. He didn't know where to start.

"I'm sorry," he then said, and Dan rolled his brown eyes slightly and smiled at Phil.

"You already said that before."

"Right. Sorry."

"Phil, stop saying you're sorry," Dan chuckled and Phil furrowed his eyebrows.

"Wait... aren't you mad at me or something?"

"Because you lied to me? Yeah, kinda, but I get why you did it. Because you ignored me? Yep. But I can't really blame you, can I?"

Another wave of guilt washed over Phil. Why? Why did he always have to do this? Why did he always have to ruin everything, and why did he always have to hurt other people's feelings? Dan's feelings?

"Dan, I'm sorry-"

"Phil. I know that you're sorry. I didn't bring you up here to tell me you're sorry, you told me that often enough now. I wanna know why, why you did what you did. I don't know you long enough to actually have a right to be mad at you."

Even though Dan tried to hide it, Phil could hear the pain in Dan's voice.

While Phil tried to think of something to say, the brunet sighed and sat down on the floor, leaning against the wall. Phil did the same, feeling the need to take Dan's hand.

But he didn't.

He wanted this. All of this. Sitting here with Dan at three in the morning, talking about all the beautiful things on his mind, because that is what Phil wanted, he wanted to explore every single corner of that beautiful, beautiful mind of Dan's, he wanted to see the world in the wonderful dark way that he did, he wanted to listen to all of his opinions on... on everything, one could say, and then, here and then, Phil would kiss him gently, just for a few seconds, and they would share a giggle together, a loving one, one that would show how much Phil adored the brunet man next to him. And Phil would take his hand and tell Dan how much he meant to him, and he would kiss him again.

Then they would go to bed together, in the most innocent way, and Phil would slowly see Dan fall asleep. He would notice by the way Dan's muscles suddenly relaxed while he was leaning against Phil's chest, and he would notice because of the way Dan's breathing suddenly got more steady and regular. And he would kiss his forehead, carefully so he wouldn't wake up again, and tell him how much he loved him, yes, just how fucking much he had fallen for him.

But he couldn't do all of that. He couldn't, and it tore Phil apart. Why? Why did life always have to be this complicated? Why did he have to lie, and why did Dan have to be angry with him?

"You ignored me for the past four days, please don't do it while you're sitting next to me," Dan whispered and that made Phil look at him.

Those eyes, god, he wanted to get lost in them. They were the warmest kind of brown, like a mix of hot chocolate and coffee. They just looked so warm, so homely, and Phil loved how they started glowing when Dan talked about things he felt passionate about. Phil loved what they looked like when Dan was smiling, god, don't even get him started on Dan's smile. With these cute dimples popping up next to the corners of his mouth it had to be the most adorable thing Phil had ever seen.

"I... I don't know where to start."

Dan smiled lightly, which made Phil's heart rate rise a little, and hell, could Dan just fall in love with him already?

"How about you start with why you didn't tell me?"

Phil frowned a little. Wasn't that obvious?

He bit his lip, an annoying habit he had developed over the past few years whenever he needed to think.

"I... I was scared. Selfish. Embarrassed, I guess." Phil sighed. "I hate doing it, you know? The dancing, it's just so... it's so ridiculous."

Dan nodded a bit. "Well, I guess... um, that's true, honestly. No offence." They both chuckled a bit, both of them staring off into the distance.

"It's just... I feel like I got nothing to myself, you know? Like, I never undressed completely on stage, obviously... but I feel like everybody... everybody has seen me and I have nothing that belongs to me anymore, you know what I mean?"

What the hell, why did Phil tell Dan this? He should be apologising, what was he doing?

But to his surprise, Dan wasn't mad or angry. He wasn't even annoyed or irritated.

Actually, he took Phil's hand. It took him a few seconds, but he actually reached out his hand to take Phil's.

Phil felt the butterflies whirl around in his stomach, they were like a hurricane, messing everything inside of him up. But in a good way.

"Phil..." Dan hesitated before he continued, looking Phil in the eyes. God, those eyes. "I get why you're feeling like that, but that's not... true." He smiled a little. "You have a whole personality people don't know about. That is a part of yourself that you can't give to anyone, not completely. Not your friends, or family, or... or me. And I think that's beautiful, like, just think, you have this whole galaxy that is your mind to yourself? All of these stars, and planets, and even the little-"

But Dan didn't get any further, Phil wouldn't let him. Because he smashed his lips into Dan's, who moved back a bit in surprise before he eventually kissed back. And shit, did that kiss feel good to Phil. The butterfly hurricane in his stomach that he had thought of before? That now turned into a whole collapse, the butterflies now making him feel all dizzy and... happy. Phil actually felt happy. Because for the first time in ages, Phil did this because he actually wanted to and not because it was what needed to be done in order to pay his sandwiches.

Dan pulled Phil closer to him by grabbing his shirt, and the black haired man gave in more than happily.

It was like two lost echoes now started to merge so they could get lost in the void as one, like two clouds in the sky connected to rain down on the world mutually, like two waves becoming one to flood the shore together, and Phil shook his head internally at his cheesy thoughts, but that's literally how he felt.

And for the rest of the night, they continued admiring the sky above them and the view around them, they spent it talking about the most beautiful and the darkest things, and maybe, just maybe, they eventually ended up in Dan's bed together, in a way that might not have been the innocent way that Phil had imagined just a few hours before, but he couldn't care less because God, Phil could've stayed here with Dan forever.

"Will this happen more often now?" Dan said muffled against Phil's chest and chuckled. "You coming to my house at three in the morning and well... things, let's say, escalating a bit?"

Phil laughed quietly and Dan shuffled closer to him.

"Would you want that, though? A relationship with a struggling actor slash stripper?"

"Maybe that wasn't my dream when I was a dreamy teenage boy back in 2009, but who knows, it might be now."

Phil couldn't see Dan's face so he stared up at the ceiling instead, smiling to himself. What was Dan even doing to him? How did he manage to make Phil feel this way?

"You would actually be alright if I-"

"I can't force you to quit that job. It's your life, and just because I might become a part of it, that doesn't mean I get to decide over you. I can only tell you my opinion, but that doesn't force you to do anything. Even though of course I'd prefer to tell my parents something different when I talk about the person I chose to spend my time with, but in the end, I just want you to be happy."

"That job is not what makes me happy, trust me." He paused for a second. "Acting makes me happy."

"Then do that," Dan mumbled with a sleepy voice. Well, no wonder it was sleepy, it was past seven in the morning and both of them didn't get much sleep that night.

"Maybe I should... Maybe I should quit that job," Phil mumbled, but all he got from Dan was a quiet "Hm..." and Phil chuckled lightly because he knew that just in a few seconds, the brunet would have fallen asleep.

➳

"What do you mean, you don't wanna do this anymore? I thought we had a deal?"

"We never had a deal. You texted me when you wanted to fuck someone and then gave me money once we were done. I wouldn't call that a deal."

Nathan walked closer to Phil. "But what about your dream, Philly? Don't you wanna be an actor anymore?" he whispered in a mocking tone that made Phil grimace.

"That's none of your business, asshole."

Nathan chuckled lightly, a sarcastic tone in his voice. "Oh, I think it is." He came closer to Phil, uncomfortably close. He reeked of alcohol and Phil started to get scared.

"Nathan, leave me alone."

"The showbiz is hard, babe. You'll need the money, trust me."

"Shut the fuck up and leave me alone."

But Nathan just laughed. And then, he pressed his lips on Phil's.

Phil could only pull his head away but he was pressed against the wall. Nathan was stronger than him, he knew he couldn't get away.

"Nathan, let me go."

"What, why? So you can follow your stupid little dreams?" He laughed. "You're ridiculous, Phil. You're a fucking prostitute, nothing else."

Phil frowned at that word. "You know that's not what I am."

"Oh, so what are you then, huh? An actor?"

"Nathan, you're drunk. Get the fuck away from me, right now."

"Or what? Will you call the police?" He laughed again, and Phil wanted to throw up.

Nathan started kissing him down his neck, and Phil wasn't strong enough to push Nathan away from him.

"Nathan, stop!"

But he didn't. He pushed Phil against the wall, so much it actually hurt Phil's back. Nathan started unbuttoning Phil's shirt, and he felt a tear flowing down his cheek.

"Please, stop."

And suddenly, Nathan's body was pulled away from Phil's. Phil opened his eyes again, letting a quiet sigh of relief escape his lips but not quite grasping the situation yet.

"Man, he told you to stop. Fuck off," PJ yelled and pushed Nathan out of the room.

Nathan said several things in response, but Phil couldn't hear them. This whole situation seemed so unreal to him, he just really wished for his body to pass out just so he could process all of this. But that didn't happen.

"Shit, Phil, man, are you okay?" PJ asked, a lot of worry in his voice, and Phil just nodded. "Thank you," he managed to choke out somehow, but he wasn't really able to say anything further.

"Let's get you back home, hm? Or Dan's apartment?"

Phil nodded and smiled a bit when he thought of him. Dan. He was the reason he had wanted to tell Nathan off. Dan was the reason he could maybe finally let go of the dark few years that lay behind him, and even though Nathan had actually been the main source of Phil's income in a way because hell, that guy was rich, Phil now just felt incredibly happy.

He now just felt incredibly free, and that was a feeling Phil hadn't had ever since he had started working in that stupid bar. And all of that happened just because he fell in love with a pretty brown-eyed boutique owner, and when Phil thought about Dan, he wouldn't want it any other way.

"By the way, PJ," he mumbled while they were sat in the car, "I think I'll quit this job completely."

a/n hm what do you think of this chapter? ^_^