[Ryland]

*~*~*

Change.

Change of environment, change of attitude, change of heart;

It's all just a shift of perspective.

Some feelings exist before you even begin to acknowledge it,

But some don't bloom until you change.

And for the two unfit halves of a heart,

Those feelings bloom and manifest amidst the most peculiar dynamics.

*~*~*

"How do I look? Okay? Practical? Is it alright to be wearing this?" Staring into my mirror and around me to find a wide assortment of clothing everywhere, only just noticing how stupid I sound with the echoing of my room when I'm pep talking to myself.

Knock knock.

Oh fuck. I quickly race to the front door, hearing a conversation. "Trust me Jelly Bean. You look great."

"I don't want to step into your brother's house with 14 boxes, a potty mouth and then add on some shit clothes. Maybe I should shower? I just came back from work..." I don't give them time to finish off because I am already hyperventilating. If I keep listening to his invigorating rant I'll either melt or combust on the spot before disappearing from existence.

Perhaps I have a... tiny crush on one of the guys. Should be obvious who. But for clarification to the sickos out there: I'm not into twincest...

"Good afternoon Ryland." Felix flashes a rare smile, a beautiful one at that. It's a notable change in demeanor really, he has always been the kind of person that needs an anchor to function. So for someone that is so incredibly fixed, it must be hard for them to move. Not to mention the sentimental value, much less for a sack of crap such as I. God I'm such a mess.

"Hey Felix." I feel Skylar hug me around my waist, it is barely felt from the fact that I am drilling holes into Felix's face, savoring every second I get to see his smile. "Afternoon Bambi." Sad that his smile has retreated and turned into his permanent scowl. It still looked sexy though.

Maybe I'm taking a giant nose dive into this crush situation, I have only 'reconciled', if you want to call it that, with Skylar and Felix for no more than 3 weeks. Infatuation would be the correct terminology but since when did either humans in front of me take note of this so called ' technical jargon'.

"I'm sad to leave my old apartment, I've lived there for so long with Felix... but now we get to live in this awesome place with two of my favorite people. Instead of one." Skylar hugs me tight before sighing, releasing his hold after a moment. "Sometimes change is nice."

No matter how I decipher his final remark, I can't help but to notice the relief or serenity. He laid it out like it's something he's been waiting for. Perhaps he just wants a change of environment?

We move the boxes into the house, mostly Felix moving boxes, Skylar and I unpacking since Felix said and I quote, "Don't want you fuckers in my way, or bleed a Nile river." I think he just doesn't want Skylar to get hurt though, he is rather clumsy with heavy things. Or clumsy in general.

~

"I have to buy candy for my herd of children. It's your chance to swear all you want, but don't count on it. I might be back any second." Skylar muses as he put his shoes on, ready to leave the apartment that we had just finished altering. It didn't take much, most the furniture they have are coming over gradually since they still have a while before the month is up. So we did our best to make it look as spacious as possible.

"I'll go with you." Felix suggests but quickly gets rejected.

"I want you two to be friends. So speak and become friends." I think we are past that phase but he doesn't need to know that. Definitely not now, I don't need my baby brother knowing I'm some kind of needy horn dog that whines for company.

"Alright. See you Bambi." I call and hear the door close.

I shift slightly while Felix has his foot up on the coffee table munching on cookies as a renovation reality show plays. I have no problem with his foot on the coffee table, but I don't understand how he can go from hating my guts to being a roommate without another word. Probably the alcohol in his system inhibiting his ability to be uptight and grumpy. Or maybe it's just because Skylar isn't around, but I highly doubt that.

"Chocolate chip?" Felix asks casually, scooting ever so slightly over to my end of the couch where I sit with my hands in my lap, wearily waiting for him to clock me in the ribs for being a dipshit when I was a child. "What's wrong?"

I gulp, should I just answer this? Or is he going to punch me either way? "No thank you. I'm fine... So, how do you like the new apartment?" He sits up, body leaning towards my half of the couch as his legs lift off the table and swing onto the arm rest on the other side.

"It's fucking amazing. We don't have to pay rent anymore which is a plus."

"I didn't think much when I bought this place, it's really empty for just one person. I guess it is mostly because mom likes the place."

"I see..." Felix hesitates for a long while, his body fidgeting ever so uncomfortably, a sign for him to process and articulate his next words. "So... How do you feel now? Still lonely?"

How do I feel? I don't know... maybe a bit scared that you're going to punch me in the face... a tiny bit more uncomfortable but that just takes time to get used to.

But at least;

I feel something.

"Here. Liquid courage in it's minimum form." Producing a cold beer from my fridge, I don't usually drink alcohol but I have it for times when I need to let loose. Funny thing is, I'm so tense at the moment, I didn't even notice him leaving the couch.

"I'm... I feel better." I also feel like a sappy sack of shit, dressing up for my brother and his best friend to move over into my apartment while I wait in my apartment, I didn't even help that much. I'm hopeless. "Thank you for forgiving me Felix. It means a lot." It does mean a lot, forgiveness is something that others don't give me often and more so; I don't give myself at all.

"Well I'm glad we can make you happy. Skylar needs new company anyway, I'm no fun." He chuckles slightly, getting comfortable again as he sips on his beer. "Just means I can't walk around naked when I get back from work but that's nothing I can't handle." Shrugging as if it's not a big deal to walk around the house naked all the time...

I wouldn't mind...

"What?" Felix asked with a raised brow, scooting closer and closer by the second with skeptical eyes. I like relaxed Felix almost as much as grumpy asshole. But grumpy asshole is more interesting to the untrained eye, adds a sense of unpredictability, granted the stakes are high and a bruising eye or broken nose is in question but I'm sure I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

"I just said you are great company... not that I know you very well. But last time at the book store... I really needed that." Good save, I'm so lame... I pick up my beer and raise it, "To friendship?"

"To friendship." He smiles slightly. Damn he's hot... "And no worries. I guess I was in denial before and only looked at your gestures as a guilt driven thing. You know, putting money into Skylar's account, volunteering for a charity that you know would come to his school. I never appreciated the effort because I thought you were a shit head."

"Umm... Thanks?" This time I scoot closer to him, goose bumps tingling when I brush my shoulder against his. He leans in closer too.

"If you bring any boyfriends or girlfriends home make sure Skylar isn't around. He doesn't like strangers in the house, but it's your place I'm sure he can make a compromise if you really want your one night stands staying around." His eyes now trained on the TV screen again. My face heats up at the comment and I cough, feeling him finch where his shoulder touches mine.

Somehow tactile sensory enhances communication tenfold. It's probably scientific too.

"I umm... I... I'm single. Not, ready to mingle." I look over and see him smile the slightest sliver. A smirk if you will. "I'm not the dating type." And no one would want a rape victim.

My body tenses at the very faint memories, it has been years since, but once in a while there would be the feeling of someone touching me unwelcomingly. Luckily, Felix picks it up, he gives me a small smile and continue to talk about stuff while we drink more and more.

It isn't a good idea. I am a lightweight and even though I don't have the enzyme deficiency that Skylar has, I still couldn't drink much. I guess it would have worked well in university when I was going on a budget, but then again, I never went to parties and such.

Felix is actually a very easy converser. The strangest thing we talk about is probably Skylar because he is Skylar and there isn't anything anyone can do to inject sanity into him. I've always been in touch with Skylar, at least up till the point where him and I were settled into university. But before that, I didn't have half the mind to worry about how he was doing. I'm just so immersed in my own head.

It is actually such an inspirational story, nullifying the fact that I am involved hugely in the story Felix tells, it is actually amazing how inextricably connected those two are. And without hearing it for myself, I just thought they were a couple of best friends with or without benefits.

"People always ask that. Are you friends with benefits? Do you fuck? Is his ass tight?" Felix wraps up his story, "I really don't understand why it is so damn hard for them to at least hold a bit of respect for Skylar."

"Some people just function from that realm of reality, you know, the part where infatuation takes over reason. The outside seems more important than the inside." I shrug, staring at the beer can not really wanting to drink much because I'm not a big drinker.

He sighs, "I haven't dated since I met Skylar. Had sex every so often but I don't play around with feelings anymore." I watch his arm muscles flex as he throws candy in the air and catch it with his mouth. I'm sure he has perfected the technique because everything lands perfectly on his tongue. His eyes lances through mine, sharp and meaningful. "I value romance. Whenever I get to that point, of course. Skylar's taught me that."

Do I? After hearing his experiences with Skylar, I don't think I can match up to his caliber of care for another person, ever. It's like a who new level of inexplicable value. I would like to think I care for who I am interested in, but to what extent? In any case, I know I am not on the same level as Felix.

So maybe this crush really doesn't amount to as much as I hope for?

"I-I get that... I guess I wouldn't know, I've never had that kind of privilege." Finally sipping on my beer, liking the faint bitter taste that distracts me from my mind for a fraction of a second.

Felix leans back, "Neither, honestly. The most consistent thing I have is Skylar. I guess I don't have the mind to cater for someone else in the way I cater for him. He's always going to be special, perhaps more or less the same as the person I will love in the future."

That hurt. Not just because he speaks highly of Skylar to a point of equity with a future love. But partly because that is my job as a brother, I should have been in place of Felix. And theoretically speaking, if he did like me the same way, I'll never fall into step with him.

I will always want more from him. And the reality of my true nature hurts.

In a sense, you could say I am, pathetically, envious of my brother, jealous even. He has a caretaker, someone that loves him so much that Felix makes himself available to my brother, regardless of sacrifices made. Sure, it might be seen as impractical, but then again, I'm not him or Skylar, I would never understand the connection between them.

So what do I want in a relationship? Do I want romance, in form of physical and mental affection, love? Or do I want more, because what Felix and Skylar has, truly breaks the boundaries of love. It's not something normal, hell, I don't think it's achievable under any other circumstance. But what they have is strong, tangible, realized and so indispensable it can destroy either of them if they don't have the other.

They are like planetary bodies orbiting each other. The sun without its planets. Earth without the moon. The gravity of the situation completely shifts should one person be taken out of the picture. It's not interdependence anymore, it's existence in itself.

I want that.

I haven't even had a first love and I'm already craving for something past that. It's not something I can conceptually change within two seconds. I can't just cognitively think a different way and be okay with it. That's how menacing this craving is. Menacing because it is chewing away at my values, what I should seek, what I can and can't have.

There isn't a way to put it other than the fact than, I'm selfish.

"From what you told me so far. Whoever has the honor to fall in love with you, will be the happiest being in the entire world." I say, with a genuine smile of my own.

Although, I might not be able to live out that dream myself. Just thinking about the person who gets to be his, how happy they would be, how content. It makes me smile, maybe a little bitter, but it truly does make me smile.

~

"Need to go find Skylar..." I try to keep my words coherent but instead slurring them like an ineloquent swine... or... or a toddler, stumbling back into the couch when I go to stand.

"Ryland. You alright?" Felix, on the other hand, is sober as ever, only less grumpy now and he probably had more than twice the beers I had. I guess it's what those sexy muscles do for him, more body mass, more alcohol. This is going to be a bitch to wake up to, and I am more than certain, whatever happens tonight is going to be fragmented as fuck in the morning.

I hope nothing too interesting develops, I need to be sober to appreciate some things.

I giggle, or try to, Skylar's giggle is still better. Mine just sounds like I'm gargling mouthwash at a slightly higher pitch than usual. "You look really, really, really hot." I lean forward and stuff my face into his lap, dangerously close to his no no areas. Of course, to my very forward advance, all he does is sit, tense as a rubber band stretched out. I can feel him flexing his legs, one of his legs is probably the size of my torso. Maybe no, that'd be freaky. Or hot as fuck.

I'm drunk.

"Oookay... Let's get you to bed." He pats my head slightly, subtly smoothing away some of my hair that has gone out of place from my half hour styling session this morning because I am very superfulous like that. "Stand up." He commands, losing some of his cool now that I'm basically limp on the couch while he stands in front of me, I take it that he's reverting to his primal 'no-bullshit' senses.

Obviously, being an A grade idiot, I unceremoniously roll off the couch landing forehead first into Felix's foot. I'm starting to consider getting vodka in my system so I can black out and forget everything that is happening right now. "Sowwy big toe... I didn't mean that..." The mispronunciation of the 'r' isn't even intentional, I'm just that out of the loop.

"Alright. Making a mental note to put restraining orders on any liquor stores and bars we have in the town..." He grumbles, but instead of kicking me, he leans down and pulls me up. "Fucking hell, definitely not Skylar's weight."

You know that feeling when you pretend like you are sleeping so your dad carries you into the house, but then you hear him grunt so you feel guilty? That's how I feel right now. Though there's barely any grunting, I just don't like being manhandled but I guess it feels nice right now... or forever.

Note to self, get drunk more so Felix touches my butt.

I savor the feeling of his hands on my behind while he walks me into the master bedroom. "S-stop that..." Not realizing what I have been doing, I raise my head, only now noticing the red mark on his neck. I'm going to regret my existence tomorrow... he will never let me live it down.

"Sorry. I didn't mean it!" I scream, getting very emotional as I hide under the covers and curl into a ball. I'm great at PMSing, don't even need a vagina for that. "Please don't move away! I really like it when we sat together and did stuff and then drink and stuff... Feels really nice to have someone give a shit..." My voice slowly degrading into a whisper as I realize how embarrassing everything is. Of course, I start crying. It gets better.

In a voice I though doesn't exist, Felix says softly, "Don't cry... it's alright, I'm not going anywhere." And apparently, it's very effective because I instantly crawl over to the side and gave Felix a hug, shoving my face into his abs since he is standing. "I guess whispering works on both of you... Twins are magical entities." He scoffs quietly while running a hand through my hair.

"Please don't go..." I tighten my hold on him, he reassures me he won't move away, then proceeds to leave my side, to which, my brilliant response came. "Bitch no! I want snuggles!"

I am one fucked up drunk...

My body moves on its own, pushing Felix down on a fluffy pillow before tangling myself up next to him. To my surprise, he doesn't punch me. I guess my subconscious made the right choice to take a risk while I'm drunk so the immediate pain would be washed away if he ever hurt me. "It's okay Ryland... We all had our shit days in the past..." He says more to himself than me. I want to know what happened in his past.

"Tell me a story about you." I whisper against his shoulder, the previous adrenaline high from my fit has come down.

"No." He answer curtly. What did you expect Ryland Cook?

"Okay, I'll tell mine. So –"

"Just fucking sleep." His response rough and rude, but his touch is soft and gentle as he places my head on the pillow beside him and pulls me against his collarbone. "If I regret this in the morning you owe me breakfast for a week."

"Do you like pancakes?"

"Ryland?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut the fuck up."

"Sorry..."

"Waffles. You better make me the fluffiest damn waffles."

That night, I fall asleep thinking of waffle recipes. Toppings, condiments, beverages.

Perhaps there are things I can't have in this life, or the next, if you want to be Buddhist about this. But I know that the imagination doesn't fail, and to say imagination is a different form of craving, it wouldn't be wrong. It's obvious what happens within the confines of the mind has to come from something that is already there, infrastructure that is already built.

So imagination is just a change in perspective, of how the mind alters the way we perceive things, realizing it in an alternate reality that exists merely in the human mind. And not just any human mind, my human mind.

What we want but can't have. Things we see but don't feel. Ideas we acknowledge but don't understand. It all comes to fruition in the mind. With a simple word - 'change';

And this night, I manifest a dream, drunken or not I know this dream stands true.