《Leave Bad Enough Alone》004. Drama Bomb

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There was a separate series of ticket numbers in the Adventurer Relations department for those that had completed their quests. They heard their number called after only a few minutes, and walked to the counter to find a very bemused-looking Sylwia.

“Oh, look, the dream team is back!” she chortled. “And not looking any worse for wear, I see.” They wore their freshly-washed equipment, but the tormented expressions on their faces made it clear the filth of last night’s encounter still stained their souls. Lorarona pulled out the broach and placed it on the counter; Clancy put the drawing next to it.

Sylwia smiled and nodded. “Good work, kids. The tradesman will be grateful. Plus, you no doubt gained valuable experience! Here’s the reward he promised.” They looked at each other expectantly as she reached under the counter to grab something; a moment later, she placed ten gold pieces on the counter. “Sorry that doesn’t split up evenly,” she snickered. “I guess you’ll have to fight each other to the death for it!”

After hesitating, each one reached out and took a few of them; Clancy took four. “Don’t worry, we’ll make change for these as soon as we can,” he explained. “Besides,” he said, turning to Miles, “you still owe me for lunch yesterday.”

Miles nodded glumly. “Fair enough.”

They heard another number bellowed; a group of colorful, grizzled adventurers pushed them aside and stood in front of the counter. “Well, don’t you all look intrepid,” Sylwia gushed. “Now, what do you have for me?”

The team slowly walked away and out the door, heading to the street. “I think we could all stand to have a big breakfast before taking on any more jobs,” Clancy declared.

Miles slapped him on the shoulder. “Sounds great, buddy.”

“Uh oh,” Lorarona muttered. “I think we have other plans.”

“What?” Noninja looked around, then his face fell. “Oh, no.”

Rikki, the spoiled nobleman from the day before, strolled up to them at high speed, looking frantic. “Oh, there you are!” he declared. “Well, I did some investigating last night, and I was right! Something sinister is brewing, and I can’t stop it by myself! Are you willing to help me now?”

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The team members exchanged uneasy glances. “Sure,” Noninja answered. “How bad could it be, really?”

“That’s the spirit!” Rikki chimed, breaking into a beaming smile. “You won’t regret this! You really won’t!” He began to saunter away. “Now buy me breakfast and I’ll tell you all about it.” The team eyed him warily, then moved to follow him.

Minutes later, they found an empty table near the perimeter of the outdoor dining area, then sat down and placed their food in front of them. Rikki sat, eyeing his food suspiciously. “You guys really eat this stuff?” he warbled.

Miles’ eyes narrowed. “Sure we do. What’s wrong with it? It’s good for you! It’ll stick to your ribs!”

Rikki blanched. “Isn’t that a pleasant thought.” He sighed as his eyes took in the team members. “So, like, anyway, my name is Rikki Putzhammer. You’ve probably heard of my famous family.”

The team all exchanged confused glances. “I don’t think we run in those circles,” Noninja offered.

“Well, we are,” Rikki glowered. “I will be too, soon – it’s inevitable. I’m an up-and-coming musician.”

“Really?” Lorarona gushed. “What do you play?”

Rikki gave her a sour look. “I play several instruments; my favorite is the theorbo.” That was met with a sea of blank faces. “It’s kind of like the lute, but has a deeper, more rich sound, and lends itself better to stage performance. But more importantly, I write songs. Anyone can play an instrument if they practice long enough. But writing songs requires real talent.” Rikki looked closely at Lorarona. “You’re a bard, right? What do you play?”

She blushed and looked down. “Oh, several instruments, but none of them well enough for the stage. I just do the usual ‘bardic performance’, useful only in combat. But I do write humor. I enjoy doing stand-up comedy.”

Rikki brightened up. “Oh? How’s that working out for you?”

“Well enough to keep me in adventuring,” Lorarona deadpanned.

Rikki let out a spirited giggle. “That’s funny! You might have a future in comedy after all!” Lorarona’s only response was a warm smile.

Rikki tried a bite of his food, then grimaced. “OK, so, like, here’s the deal. I’m sure you’ve noticed the upheaval in the city’s theaters as of late.” He was met with another sea of blank faces; he sighed and continued. “So…it’s because a new guild of bards and illusionists are presenting their own works. But they’re so cheesy! Bad writing, bad costumes, bad acting, bad plots, bad special effects…just on and on! But the audiences love it!” He started to whimper, and he slammed his hand onto the table. “This can’t be happening! Something sinister has to be behind it! And if we don’t figure it out, real art in this city will be a distant memory! It’s just not fair!” He started to cry softly, managing to stop after a few moments.

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He looked up to find the team members staring back at him, looking skeptical; he sighed dejectedly. “You probably think I’m crazy. Maybe I am. But I know how to prove it, one way or the other! A few days from now, one of these upstart bards is having a gala at his parents’ house, to present his latest work to a private audience. I’m on the guest list, and I can get you invited too. We need to snoop around, to see if we can figure out what’s behind this outrage. Even if it’s nothing but his rich parents.”

Miles smirked. “Aren’t your parents rich too?”

“Yeah,” Rikki snorted, “but my family is old money. This guy is new money.”

“So, just to clarify,” Noninja began, “our first mission is to attend a ritzy party, hobnob with the upper crust, eat probably amazing food, and dig through all their private stuff, robbing them blind in the process?”

Rikki chuckled. “You catch on quickly!”

“I think we can handle that,” Noninja asserted. “Can’t we, gang?”

“Are you kidding?” Miles chimed. “I’m getting hungry just thinking about it!” He gobbled the last of his breakfast, then looked at Rikki’s. “Are you going to finish that?”

Rikki pushed his tray toward Miles. “Please, take it. I don’t even know what it is.”

“How can you have never heard of a breakfast burrito?” Miles anguished, snatching it from the tray and taking a huge bite. “These things are gold!”

“What can I say,” Rikki ribbed, “you’re a stronger man than me.” They all shared a laugh, then Rikki looked serious. “And that’s why I need you guys!” He reached into his jacket and pulled out a small set of papers. “Here are the directions to Castle Medochre, and all the background information I could gather. You need to show up the evening after tomorrow, as night falls. And remember – this is a respectable affair! So if you’re going to bring weapons…make sure they’re concealed.”

Noninja thumbed excitedly through the papers. “Oh, yeah,” he oozed. “These will be most helpful.”

Having finished breakfast, they stood up and made their way out of the outdoor dining area. As they did, they heard a shout from the street. “Hey, Rikki!” They turned to see another young nobleman, flanked by two tougher-looking nobles of roughly the same age.

Rikki glowered and tried to ignore him. “That’s Lyle. That’s the guy I was telling you about.”

Lyle persisted. “Hey Rikki! Got some friends finally?”

Rikki stammered back defiantly. “No! Yes! I mean…I have lots of friends!” He turned to the team. “Don’t listen to them. They’re jerks.”

Lyle continued. “Hey new friends, did Rikki Putzhammer tell you his real name?”

Rikki shot them a hateful look. “No! Don’t!”

Lyle smiled evilly. “Richard Putz. That’s right. His name is actually…Dick Putz!” All three young nobles started guffawing loudly. “He’s such a wiener, they named him twice!”

Rikki glared at them. “You’re so rude! There’s a big difference between being noble and just living in a big house, you know! Learn some manners!” A few passersby snickered at this, pointing at Lyle and his companions.

The smiles melted off their faces. “See you later, Dick.” They walked off.

Rikki turned to the team; he tried to look angry, but tears streamed from his eyes. “Lyle is the one throwing the party. Now you see the sort of evil we’re up against. He has to be stopped!” Rikki turned and walked away quickly, crying softly to himself, and vanished from sight.

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