to New York like I planned, I made a detour to Orlando to be around my siblings for a while. I knew that I was too emotional to be in New York alone so I chose to be around people to keep me from being too low. After what happened a few months ago, I knew that allowing myself to be alone wasn't the best idea. Plus I hadn't seen either of them in a while and I missed them.

I landed in the city at midnight and had no intentions of waking Justice and his family so I called up Khloe since she had an off-campus apartment. I had no desire to be in a hotel room for my stay. She was great company for her winter break and I wanted that comfort again. She picked me up and took me back to her place which was very nice, and it really hit me just how hard she'd been working. She was nothing but hustle.

"I know you said that you were just visiting but something feels off." she climbed in her bed with me and a bowl of sugared popcorn. "Are you doing okay?"

"No, not really but I don't want to talk about it either."

"Is it another depressive episode?" worry painted her face.

I shook my head, "No and I don't want what I'm going through to lead to another one so I'm trying to take a few of the steps that helped me bring myself out of the last one."

"Okay. Don't hold it in again either. That was what led you to the last one. You don't have to talk to me about it but talk to someone."

"I've already scheduled an appointment with my therapist."

"Good. Would you rather hear about my life and what's been going on?"

"Yes, please."

She moved from her spot beside me to the center of the bed, sitting Indian style. I grabbed a pillow to prop my head up and give her my full attention.

"Well, you know about all of my business endeavors but my personal life has been a lil juicy I guess. For one, Daniel is back in my life. He came over once I got back from New York and we've been hanging and going out, ya know starting over. But I haven't cut any of my hoes off because I'm aware that he's still out here fucking. A few days ago, he pulled up on me while one of my plays were over here and it was hell fire. He was pissed! Girl he pulled his gun out on the man."

I covered my mouth, "Khloe!"

"I know, I know. Daniel is crazy but he's not over the top with it so it's lowkey sexy. But the dude was daring Daniel to shoot him and when I quote this I am not lying to you. He said in these exact words, 'go ahead nigga 'cause I ain't afraid to die bout that pussy' and I screamed."

"No he didn't." I laughed. "Khloe. What did Daniel say?"

"He wore the most perplexed expression I've ever witnessed like he was so confused. He just told the dude to leave then started to cuss me out. And to be honest I was paying him no mind because I was still shocked that the man told him that. He called himself cutting me off though so he hasn't been talking to me."

"Khloe, oh my goodness. I don't even see Daniel carrying a gun."

"Pff." she laughed. "Daniel has a whole collection of guns. He and his friends go shooting for fun. He can fight but he prefers not to."

"Wow...lil Daniel." I said more to myself.

She and Daniel had been a thing since early summer of last year and I'd had a few conversations with him over the phone. He seemed like a well-mannered young man and always presented himself as a gentleman. Not saying that he wasn't, but it was surprising to hear that he totted guns and would pull one out behind Khloe. But it shouldn't have been too much of a shock because she's always dated young men that were a bit wild. To find one that was earning his college degree was very much up her alley.

"Yup, lil Daniel." she smirked just as her phone pinged. She leaned over, picked it up then released a laugh. "Speaking of the devil, he just pulled up. He's always tryna pop up on me but I get a notification every time his location is near my apartments."

"I'll take the couch then." I started to get from under the comforter.

"Nothing is going to happen. I wouldn't do that with you in here even though you and Gio didn't care about me."

"Don't let me stop your mojo. I need to get some rest anyway."

"If he thinks he's going to cut me off then get some he's sadly mistaken. He knows better." she reached the door as soon as a knock sounded.

I wrapped myself in the extra comforter I took from her closet and laid down on her sectional. She opened the door and blocked Daniel from coming inside. They were talking -- her mostly giving him attitude -- but I tuned them out and turned over to go to sleep. That nap I'd taken before catching my flight had done nothing for me. I was still tired and I was going to take every opportunity I currently had to sleep before my schedule picked back up.

"Come in but be quiet because my sister's going to sleep."

"Hey Korin." he spoke after the door shut.

"Hey Daniel."

"Goodnight Kori. I'll see you in the morning." Khloe hit all of the lights.

When morning rolled around, I quietly got dressed while Khloe and Daniel slept and went out for breakfast with Justice. It wasn't much of a breakfast because neither of us had an appetite but I wanted to see him and have a talk before I headed to a nearby clinic. Rather than drag the procedure out, I was going to get it done here in Orlando. There was no need for me to wait any longer when I'd already told Giovanni what was going to happen.

"I didn't expect to see you any time soon." he adjusted the radio on his shoulder.

"A visit was overdue. The last time you saw me in person I wasn't the best."

"You don't seem to be in much higher spirits right now. You all good?"

"Not necessarily and it was another reason why I called you to meet up with me." his 'brows furrowed. "I'm pregnant but before you get excited or anything, I'm not keeping it. I don't want to go by myself so I was hoping you'd be there for support. If you can't it's understandable but I had to at least ask."

"Is this happening today?"

"Either today or tomorrow. I called the clinic on my way here and if I get there before noon I can be squeezed in."

"But why? I-I'm not understanding. I thought things were good between you and Gio. Even if they aren't why have an abortion?"

"It's too much to explain but please know that this is for good reason. I just don't want to go through this by myself."

"Where's Gio?"

"In Port St. Lucie."

"I'm guessing he's not supporting this. Which probably means y'all aren't together anymore?" I shook my head, tears burning my eyes. "I'll go with you. I'll find a way to cut my shift short and meet you there?"

"Yeah, that's fine. Thank you."

"Of course." he stood up. "Come give me a hug."

I got up from my seat and allowed him to engulf me in a hug that almost broke me down in the restaurant. Though I knew that this was a decision I wanted to make, it didn't take away the pain of knowing I was taking a piece of myself away. Whether for good reason or not I was going to end a life that could have meant everything to me. It made me sad. It also made me sad to know that what I was going to do was going to hurt Gio and he would probably resent me for it.

An hour and a half went by before I made it to the women's clinic downtown. Justice had a hard time cutting his shift short but we were still able to make it before noon which meant I should have been able to have the procedure today without an appointment.

As I stalked up to the building, I vividly remembered coming here with Courtland years ago. I remembered holding his hand because I couldn't stop my own from shaking and sweating in fear. But I feared my mother's reaction more than having to swallow a little pill.

"I know this is scary but you got this, K. I'm here with you and I'll be here afterward to help you deal with the side effects okay?" he pushed my wild hair from my face so that I could look into his eyes.

"Will I go to hell for this? I don't want to go to hell but mama's going to kill me if she finds out that I'm pregnant."

"The God I serve is a forgiving God. You won't go to hell for this." I gave him a look of uncertainty. "I promise you won't."

"I know you're upset with me but thank you for helping me."

He cupped my cheek, "I got you through whatever, champ."

I took a deep breath in and a deep breath out while waiting on Justice to get out of his car. I could feel the rollercoaster of emotions this was going to take me on and I just knew my seatbelt wasn't strapped tight enough.

Justice looked at the building then at me, "You ready?"

"Yeah, let's get this over with."

We walked inside to couples and women by themselves scattered around the seating area. It wasn't more than ten people but the way they'd left about three seats in between one another, you'd think that it was jam packed prior to our arrival.

I walked up to the receptionist desk and surprisingly enough, her eyes bucked at the sight of me. She went to smile then quickly wiped it off of her face, "What can I help you with?"

"I called a few hours ago about being able to receive a manual vacuum aspiration today."

"Oh, yes." she picked up a sticky note. "The doctor is with someone right now but I'll let her know you're here and she'll call you when she's ready."

"Thank you." I turned around and took a seat beside Justice.

He held his hand out for me and I quickly took it for comfort. I laid my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes.

"Korin! Korin you okay?" Courtland shouted from the otherside of the bathroom door.

"It hurts." I whimpered from the bathroom floor. "It hurts so bad, Court."

"Let me in. You're proper?"

I didn't get to respond because he'd used his shoulder to burst the door open. He joined me on the floor and wrapped his arms around me as tight as he could.

"Dad's going to hate me for this." I whispered.

"Sh, sh don't say that. You know he could never hate his princess and this was the best decision for now. You just be more careful from here on out."

"I'm never having sex again."

"That sounds wonderful to me." he said, making us both softly laugh.

Tears ran down my cheeks though my eyes were still closed as I had flashbacks of the last time I had to do this. Fifteen-year-old me was just as scared as I was at twenty-four years old. Again, it wasn't Giovanni holding my hand but one of my brothers. That in itself pained me but there wasn't much I could do about it besides accept it.

I felt Justice's large hand wipe my face clear of my tears before he kissed the top of my head and said, "I got you, Champ."

I raised my head and looked at him with wide eyes. He shot me a soft smile and squeezed my hand. There was no way he coincidently said those words to me when he's never called me Champ. Courtland was the only person that referred to me as Champ and K. He never called me Kori and he barely used Korin.

I didn't get to make many assumptions before my name was being called from across the room. I turned my head to see a woman in a lab coat, scanning the room then repeating my name. I stood up and Justice gave my hand one last squeeze.

"Hello, how are you?" she held the door open for me. "I'm Dr. Vincent."

"Hi. Korin."

"So you want to have a manual vacuum aspiration. Do you know how far along you are?"

"No, but I know I'm over four weeks. My last period was January 24th."

"Okay, let's do an ultrasound to see exactly how far along you are." she pushed the machine closer to the table I sat on. "Lie back for me and lift your shirt."

I did as she told me and let her squirt the cold gel on my stomach. She typed a few things on the computer then grabbed the transducer and used the gel to move it around.

"And there it is." she made me turn my head toward the screen.

"It's tiny."

"Yeah, it is and if I were to guess from just looking at it, I would say you're around six to eight weeks. Let's measure and see." she started to push buttons on the machine. I sat watching her move on the screen, "Seven weeks and two days."

"Oh."

"You're still within the window. Would you like to hear the heartbeat before we move on or...."

I cleared my throat, "Um yes."

Within seconds, a sound similar to ocean waves played throughout the room and everything else she said fell upon deaf ears because I'd zoned out. I was about to take a life yet again and it was starting to make my stomach hurt. I had to close me eyes and tell myself that I was doing this to benefit the both of us. I wasn't being completely selfish by making this decision because I was choosing to make their life easier.

"Did you hear me, Ms. Alexander?"

"No, I'm sorry."

"You actually have two options, RU486 which is the pill or the manual vacuum aspiration procedure which is surgical. I know you requested the vacuum but I just want to make sure you know your options."

"Yes, I know. I would like the manual vacuum procedure please."

For my first abortion, I chose to take the pill and it was an experience that I didn't want to do for a second time. I had to lie in bed and endure cramps so strong that it felt like my stomach was shredding as the pill forced a miscarriage. To deal with the blood was another nightmare so I was going to save myself the trauma and allow them to remove it in one step.

the beats on my head as I ran around the neighborhood to bring my park workout to a close. Our game for today was cancelled due to the thunderstorm that had been going for hours now and instead of using it to rest, I got active. I couldn't sit around the apartment and allow my mind to wander. I needed to stay busy to keep from stressing myself out.

It'd been two days since Korin left and I'd been fighting the urge to call her and apologize. I knew that I shouldn't have acted as nonchalant as I had but it was the only way to keep from bursting in front of her. In that moment I didn't want her to know that she was tearing me apart. That I was tearing myself apart by choosing myself instead of her.

"A little ways to go." I mumbled, seeing the apartment complex down the road. "We're almost there, Willow."

Her leash was wrapped around my wrist to keep her close but loose enough not to choke her as she ran. She woke me up full of energy so I let her get it all out with this run, and from the smaller steps she took I knew she was ready to lie down.

Leaving is easier said than done. Didn't want to seem like I left you for dead. I stopped running and placed my hands on my hips. I took deep breaths to try and slow my heavy breathing. Willow took that as a moment for her to lie down. Go through way more bad than good, how we let this shit get toxic. I picked her up before starting the song over for the third time. It was a song that I was finding comfort in because it read my feelings a bit.

Upon entering the apartment, I came out of my wet jacket and tossed it to the side. Willow walked over to her bowl, prompting me to fill both her food and water bowl. I then made my way to the bathroom for a steamy shower. The cold ac hitting my wet skin had me close to shivering, so a hot shower was more than needed. As I waited for the water to heat up, I plugged my portable speaker up near the sink to keep playing the two songs I'd been listening to for emotional support.

Music played a major role in the way I chose to deal with my emotions. I liked to hit the weights with relatable music dancing from one ear to the other in comfort. Music had a way of offering release by having all of the words I couldn't seem to find. It's symphonic way of pouring out emotions in a catchy or melodic form was more than enough to make me feel good for the moment.

After I had the speaker connected to my phone, I stepped underneath the hot beads of water. I allowed them to massage my skin for a couple minutes. With closed eyes, I held onto the wall with my head down letting the words of the song to take me places. You should've gave it time. I could've showed you the way things would be but you don't have no patience—

"Tuh." I shook my head.

—No consideration for me. Even in relations, you ain't never cater to me so what do I do when it comes to me and you? I wiped my hand down my face with a deep sigh. Though I was feeling like Korin never showed the same amount of love or put in the same amount of effort, I couldn't get rid of my desire to stick around.

"I wanted to love you, nobody but you. To think that I trust you. I wanted to love. I wanted to be there for you. Felt like I was breathing for you! I feel like I'm reaching for you and only you!" I sang along, tears threatening to fall.

I deeply inhaled to prevent myself from shedding any tears. It was the last thing I wanted to do because the decision I made was in my best interest. I needed to take a step back from her. I wasn't perfect and I dealt with past traumas as well but she suffered on another level. I didn't battle with depression and to be honest I wasn't prepared to love someone with a mental illness. She needed a level of compromise and security that I wasn't able to give, and I needed a level of reassurance and stability that she wasn't about to provide.

It was for the best. Maybe some months or years later, we'd merge together again. I'd hate to say that maybe this was it for us, though it was a possibility, because I knew in my heart that she held more weight than this. This wasn't our story's closing chapter.