nice to me since I returned, but I was ready to be back in New York. The city wasn't my cup of tea and being so close to Orlando didn't sit right with me. But the purpose of the trip here was to support Gio during his training. However, things between us were a little funky. I wouldn't say that we weren't speaking to each other or that there were attitudes because there weren't. The energy was different, though. It was obvious that we were on shaky grounds again.

Right now we were on Worth Avenue in Palm Beach to do a little shopping on their day off. We'd been here for a few hours and our urge to spend money was starting to die down. I think I spent more money than everyone else because I was in deep need of retail therapy. A lot weighed on my mind and new outfits and jewelry made me feel better. A little.

"Are you and Gio okay?" Brit asked in a low tone since the guys weren't far behind us.

"Why you ask that?" I knew exactly why she was asking me. A blind man could see that we weren't ourselves. We'd barely stand next to each other and conversation was short. We weren't being curt but we didn't have much to say until a decision was made.

"Y'all seem a little distant. And since y'all been on good terms y'all have been all over each other but y'all not like that today."

"We just had a disagreement this morning. It's nothing serious." I lied.

"Oh okay. Just wanted to make sure because I really like seeing y'all all over each other and happy ya know."

"Yeah, we'll probably be right back to it later. What are we gonna eat? I'm hungry again."

"I am too." she turned around to the guys, "What are we eating y'all?"

"I'm not answering that just for y'all to say you don't have a taste for it." replied Chad.

"How about Seaway at the Four Seasons?" Brit asked. "It's right there and something new for all of us, right?"

"I've never eaten there." I spoke up.

"Me either." Gio and Chazmon added.

"Settled." Brit shrugged. "Let's go."

Brit led the way to the restaurant in the hotel across the street with Chazmon by her side. I slowed my walking to intentionally let Gio catch up and walk beside me so I could be near him. I'd been wanting to be close to him all morning but I kept my distance, assuming that he needed his space right now. He hadn't attempted to be near me either and that gave me affirmation that I was right. But right now the urge was too strong to ignore.

I brushed my hand against his once we were side by side in hopes he'd want to hold my hand. He turned his hand over, offering his hand to me. I grasped onto it and interlocked our fingers. I honestly wanted to receive as much affection as I could incase it'd be the last. I didn't want to think negatively but I knew that if I decided to terminate this pregnancy he wouldn't stay around. When he said that it was a goal of his he was telling me that it was a non-negotiable factor for him. He wanted a family.

I understood it. I'd wanted a family at one point and knew that I couldn't be with someone who didn't want kids. Now, I was at the stage where children were a big question mark. I wasn't too comfortable with procreating in a world that hated my community, didn't believe in sensitivity and allowed money and skin color to rule all aspects. Not to mention, my sensitivity to change which would most likely trigger my depression. To battle depression during or after a pregnancy was no joke. Especially if it was experienced during and after.

Of course, therapy was an option but I'd prefer being 100% okay before even thinking about getting pregnant. I was still in therapy and getting better with each session but I still had a long way to go. I could say without doubt that I was uncomfortable being pregnant right now.

"A table for four please." Chad approached the host.

The host glanced down at a sheet on his podium before waving us behind him, "Follow me right this way."

"You okay?" I whispered to Giovanni.

He nodded and released my hand to pull a chair out for me. I thanked him, sat down, and placed all of my shopping bags down beside my chair. I opened up the menu eager to find something delicious to eat. The breakfast I had wasn't too satisfying so I was relying on this meal to give my stomach and I a little joy.

"Hello, my name is Amanda and I'll be serving you today. Can I get you started on any drinks?"

"A reel margarita for me." Gio quickly answered, making Chad and Brit laugh but I wasn't amused. I was more so concerned because he barely did any day drinking. If any at all.

"And I'll take a Key West Colada." ordered Brit.

"A glass of water please." I went next.

"Me too." said Chad.

"Alright. I'll be right back with your drinks." she walked away.

I put my eyes back on the menu, skipping over the starters section for the entrees. Though it was a seafood focused restaurant, I wasn't in the mood for seafood. I wanted something with a lot of spices and preferably over rice.

"I think I want the seafood platter." Chazmon spoke from behind his menu.

"You want all that cold food? You don't want anything hot?" Brit looked at him.

"Maybe the crispy calamari?"

"That's what I'm getting with the Faroe Island Salmon." said Gio

"Kori? You still looking" Brit asked.

"Um, no. I think I'ma just go with the jerk chicken tacos and house made guacamole."

"I was looking at those tacos. They sound good but I feel like they'll be skimpy. I want the Bell and Evans chicken breast."

With perfect timing, the waitress returned to the table with our drinks and passed them out. She then took our individual orders, collected the menus and left us to talk amongst our group until the food was served.

"So, I've already asked Chazmon but how are you feeling about the upcoming season now that you've gotten to play with the team again, Gio?" Brit sparked conversation.

"We have some things to work on but overall? I think we got this season in the bag. We had the series in our hands last year but we won't be fumbling it this season, I can tell you that much."

"I'm confident in you guys too. I will say though, from what I've been hearing on the West coast, the Mariners and Red Sox will give y'all a run for your money."

"Makes the game all the more fun."

"Same thing I said." Chad chuckled. "I'd hate to play in a league where the teams don't challenge me. What would be the point of a professional league?"

"Some of these teams play like they aren't professionals and it's saddening. You think I'd be giving all my time and energy to a game just to be going out bad damn near every game? Tuh. Must be crack."

"I chalk it up to them not wanting money forreal 'cause I play my heart out for the love of the game but to run up a check too. You gotta pay me to run these bones ragged."

"Yessir." Gio grinned, reaching for dap. "What it's been like on your end though, Brit? How's that youtube thing going?"

"I reached ten thousand subscribers yesterday--"

"Congrats."

"--but I've just been capturing the behind the scenes of artist and athletes. People have been loving it so we're gonna keep it going. As for my corporate job? Everything is everything."

Gio nodded, "That's wassup. I hope you got my boy on the channel."

"Of course. A camera can never be around without him wanting to be seen. Speaking of, the docu-series, I saw that you dropped a date for it. Congratulations."

"Thank you."

"Big things, big things. I'm on there too." Chad pointed out.

"Of course you are." Brit playfully rolled her eyes. "How was the video shoot, Kori?"

I took my eyes off the nearby water at the mention of my name. I'd been listening to them but zoned out for a few seconds. "It was dope. I felt like I was living a childhood fantasy."

"Video shoot? You out here video vixening it, Korin?" asked Chad.

"It was fun. I didn't think it was an all day process but I had a good time and Daniel was easy to work with."

"My boy won't be out here punching the air when it drops, right?"

"He shouldn't." I looked over at Gio. "Everything was PG-13."

For the video I played the role of the ex-girlfriend. DVSN was singing at an intimate venue that I happened to be at and what he was singing about made us both feel a way. I wound up leaving and of course he followed me out. There was indeed a "sex" scene but like most videos it went no further than lingerie and briefs.

Finally, the waitress brought the food out and the conversation died down as we focused on our meals. As I ate I ignored the overwhelming amount of saliva in my mouth. I was having a hard time distinguishing it as a tell tale of needing to spit or the urge to throw up. It made me a bit uncomfortable but I didn't want to abruptly leave the table and raise questions. I was unsuccessful at being discreet because Brit continuously asked if I was okay orally or through text message. Each time I told her I was fine and she didn't seem to believe me either time.

Once we were all filled and cursed with a mild case of the 'itis, we decided to end our day of shopping and head back to our current homes. Brit and Chazmon were staying in West Palm so they went their way while Gio and I went ours. As I walked behind Giovanni to the car, I focused on chewing the napkin I'd stuffed in my mouth. It was a technique my dad taught me years ago to minimize nauseous. The napkin absorbing the excessive saliva helped hold the vomit down.

"Why're you behind me?" Gio stopped walking.

"Sorry, I was doing something."

He squinted his eyes at me, "You okay?"

"Mhm."

When we neared the car, I removed the soaked napkin from my mouth and dropped it in the nearest trash can. I climbed in the passenger seat and rested my head against the window. Though the napkin kept my mouth from being super wet, I still felt nauseous. I found it weird that the nausea was starting now that I knew I was pregnant but I hadn't been nauseous any of the weeks prior.

"Gio pull over." I unbuckled my seatbelt. We'd been on the road for thirty minutes now and I couldn't hold it down any longer. It was now forcing its way up.

"What? Why?" he looked over at me.

"Pull over. Hurry."

The second he was on the side of the turnpike, I pushed the door open and allowed everything I'd just ate to come back up. He loudly cringed, letting me know he wasn't fond of me throwing up in front of him. I held onto the car door to keep from falling out of the truck as my body violently pushed out my stomach contents.

After another minute, I had nothing else to throw up. I dry heaved a few times but was good enough to get back in the truck after downing a spare bottle of water from my purse.

"You okay?" Gio asked for what felt like the millionth time as I used a wet wipe to clean my mouth.

"Y-Yeah." I fell back against the seat to catch my breath.

"You sure? If those tacos got you feeling bad you need to call up there."

"It's not the tacos, Gio." I turned toward the window.

He kept quiet then waited for an opportunity to get back on the turnpike. The remainder of the ride was filled with silence as I watched the trees and other cars pass in a blur. Though I was focused on everything outside my window, my thoughts were running a mile a minute. I knew that I needed to make a choice and soon but I wanted to push it to the back of my mind for some time. I'd been trying to all day and I kept being reminded, whether it was from the tension between Gio and I, feeling nauseous or the continuous trips to the bathroom. I couldn't hide from it.

"We need to talk about this again." he spoke up, after we found a park in the parking garage.

"Later. I need a minute. You mind leaving the keys?" he stared at me. "I'm not going anywhere. I just need to breathe."

He huffed, dropped the keys in the cup holder and climbed out. The door closed with a slam and I watched him disappear toward the entrance. I reached into my purse for my phone, scrolling through my contacts until I found Dr. Giselle. I shouldn't having been calling her without a scheduled appointment but I had no time to make an appointment.

"Korin, this is quite unexpected." she answered the on the third ring.

"I know and I'm super sorry but do you have fifteen minutes to spare?"

"I do. What's going on?"

I released a deep sigh, "I'm pregnant."

Her end of the line was quiet.

"And I'm really leaning toward abortion but...."

"But?" she urged me to keep talking.

"But I know this will be the end of Gio and I. He wants me to keep it. He wants a family and right now I'm not sure I want kids anymore. I told him that and I could see in his eyes that if I go through with aborting he's going to leave."

"Tell me why you're wanting to terminate your pregnancy."

"I'm not ready to be anyone's mother. I'm not ready to step away from my career again. I still don't know how to fully manage my depression. I don't want them to inherit my depressive traits. I don't want to give birth and have a hard time attaching to my child. I'm not fit to mother anybody, Mrs. Giselle." I found myself crying while speaking the latter.

"You have every right to feel like you're not ready right now, Korin--"

"But I don't want to lose Giovanni. I don't want to cause him anymore pain. It's all I've been doing since we got together."

"Are you going to choose him or yourself? You just gave me a list of reasons as to why you don't want to keep the baby. Your main reason being you're not ready right now."

"But are people ever really ready?" I questioned.

"I wasn't ready when I had my kids. Even after raising two kids I didn't feel ready when I got pregnant with my last, but abortion was never a thought for me. It is for you. Sometimes our gut tells us what's best even if we're hurt afterward. Our heart can be both a tool and a weapon but intuition will never steer you wrong. Choose your fighter and be very mindful of your wants. I know you love Giovanni and you lost him before but you still have to care for yourself. You come first."

"Mrs. Giselle." I started to cry again.

"I know this is difficult for you, Korin, but you got this. I know you will make the best decision for yourself and I will be here to help you get through whichever decision you make. If you want to talk about this more in detail before you decide, I can squeeze you in on Thursday."

"I'm not sure I have until Thursday. You can still pen me in because I'll need to talk to you either way." I huffed, wiping my tears.

"Will do. Keep your head up, Korin."

"I'll try my best. Thank you for letting me talk for a little."

"Of course. See you Thursday."

I let the call come to an end and tried to pull myself together as best as I could. I pulled the visor down and my tears had ruined the little makeup I had on. I used a wet wipe to take all of it off before climbing from the truck to go and face Giovanni.

Instead of entering the apartment to an upset Gio, I was welcomed by silence. I sat the keys down on the counter and crept toward the bedroom unsure of his whereabouts. The door was wide open and unoccupied. He and Willow were gone which led me to assume he'd taken her out for a walk. I stepped further inside and saw the pregnancy test was out on the nightstand. He'd been staring at it again. He did it last night and I woke up to him doing it. It was how I knew this was something he truly wanted.

Gotta be careful I know, I know you and me can't be nothing no more. I been looking for something from ya. I been getting nothing at all, you're such a fucking woman but you're such the fucking one. I was pulled from my sleep by the voice of Lucky Daye blasting from the living room television. I turned over onto my back and opened my eyes to darkness. The sun was gone and no lights were on in the apartment.

I sat up to take in more of my surroundings because I had no recollection of falling asleep. I remembered waiting on Giovanni to return from the walk for like ten minutes, and now I was being awakened by loud music. I climbed from the bed, used the bathroom then walked out to the living room where Gio laid across the sofa. I flipped the light on to see that his eyes were shut, Willow laid against his chest and a bottle of E & J was on the table.

"Gio." I called, not sure if he was asleep.

"Yup?" he kept his eyes closed.

"Where were you? I was waiting on you and why are you drinking during training?" I went to reach for the bottle but he pushed my hand away.

"Let me be. I gave you your time to breathe so let me breathe." he snatched the bottle and brought it to his lips.

I pulled it from his hand, causing some to spill from the corners of his mouth. He quickly sat up with a scowl on his face. I walked toward the kitchen to put the bottle away. Alcohol was not apart of his diet for the season especially when he was coming off an injury.

I could hear him coming behind me with all of the noise he made from his stumbling. "Look at you. You do know you have a game tomorrow right?"

"Spring training doesn't count. Give me that bottle back."

"I thought you wanted to talk? We can't talk if you're drunk."

He snatched the bottle from me and took a swig, "What's to talk about? I can't make you change your mind. I don't know why you keep pushing it to the side like I don't know you're gonna abort it. Just say it so we can get a move on."

"Get a move on? And do what?" I played clueless. He quietly sat down on the couch and threw his head back. I needed to hear him say it. "And do what, Giovanni?"

"I won't be able to stay, Korin."

"Why?" I ignored the sinking of my chest and he blew out air. "Hm?"