Gracie is the first to visit me in the hospital. The poor little girl couldn’t control her tears. She wouldn’t let go of me either. She asks me all the questions everyone kept asking me. Where have I been? What happened to me? Who did this to me? I can’t answer any of it. I don’t remember any of it. I’m not sure if Marina was even real. Nobody knows who she is and nobody has seen her. They tell me that it was Cody that found me sitting down against Emily’s house’s front door. I don’t even remember that much. Marina must have left me there. I must have told her where I wanted to go.

Grace tells me that Emily left for New York. She had a really bad accident with my brother the day I tried to kill myself. She’s been gone for a while, thinking that I’ve been dead this entire time. And now I get to see Emily’s face over Facetime. Emily cries just as much as Grace did. The three of us spend the next few hours catching up. And every waking moment of that I spend glancing at the door, waiting for my brother to show up.

But he never does.

Cody comes after Gracie left. He doesn’t ever actually enters. He just leans against the door frame. “You look much better. Glad you’re back.”

“Thanks,” it comes out weakly. “Was a girl with white hair there when you found me?”

“No, just you, nearly dead.”

“Oh.”

“You missed out on a lot. I guess Grace has told you that much. But what it’s worth, I’m really glad you’re back, we missed you.”

Grace missed me. Cody missed me. How many others have missed me? “You really mean that?”

“Of course.”

“Do you know where Andrew is? Have you told him that I’m here? I want to see him.”

Cody sighs and crosses his arms. “We don’t talk anymore. He doesn’t even come to school and I’m pretty sure I’ll rip his head off if I ever see him again,” pauses. “But yeah, he knows.”

“Then why isn’t he here?”

“I heard he’s working full-time for Lyle now. He’ll come, just give him time.”

“Okay.”

Cody finally walks in and sits next to me. “Ever since that day, everything has changed. It’s just like Elizabeth. The only difference is that you’re still here. So can I ask you? Did you really try?”

“Yes…”

“Emily and Andrew got in a car crash.”

“Yeah, I know, Gracie told me.”

“The text you sent her is what caused the crash. She got a panic attack and it caused Andrew to stop paying attention.”

“I-”

“Don’t blame yourself. Nobody blames you. I just wanted you to know how important you are to everyone. You can change the world with your words. So don’t ever feel that you’re less than that, you never were.”

“I don’t need the pep talk, Cody,” I say almost giggling. He’s changed.

I make him laugh, “Right, right. It’s just- so much has happened. I wouldn’t want another light to go out.”

“Thanks, Cody, never thought you would be so sentimental.”

“Never thought so either.”

*knock* *knock*

Andrew. He came. He leans on the doorframe and stands up straight while Cody gets up and walks over to him. The two size each other up, but Cody snickers. “I’ll see you later, Sara.”

My brother turns to me when he leaves. He has his shit-eating annoying grin on his face. He nearly tackles me when he comes over to hug me. “Thank, fuck!”

“You okay, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Where the fuck you’ve been?”

It’s the same old questions everyone asks but he doesn’t press me further. Andrew doesn’t give a shit about any of that, he’s just really happy to see me. Honestly, It makes me happy knowing he is so happy. I never thought he could be capable of acting like the old Andrew before Mom died.

He holds my hand the entire time we talk. They feel much different than I remember but maybe I’m imagining it. “I heard you almost killed Emily.”

“I did, I did. Pretty much burnt all my bridges.”

“Did you apologize?”

This is me. I always have to clean up my brother’s mistakes. I’ve always had to apologize on his behalf. I shouldn’t have bothered to ask, he never gives out a real apology, but one day he will. That’s why I have to be on his ass about it.

“Of course not. Wasn’t even my fault, Ems went all psycho.”

“You’ve been alright?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ve been searching all over for you every day,” he sighs. “God must love me if he hasn’t taken you away from me, eh?”

Andrew isn’t religious, he’s just boasting about how great he is. It saddens me. I don’t know why he has to put up this front all the time. I’m the only person in the world who knows who he is deep down. If I can’t even make him bring it out, no one can. Those five seconds of genuine happiness are all I’ll ever get.

“Dad’s been around?”

I shake my head. “Does he know?”

“Yeah, said he’ll stop by but can’t believe I even beat him here. Shit, we can finally go home when he does.”

“They’re keeping me a few more days. I have to be fed and do a little physical therapy.”

“They must’ve done a psych eval, you good on that?”

I nod. I never told anyone I ended up where I did because I tried to kill myself. That’s a one-way ticket to the looney bin. I just told the cops and doctors that I was kidnapped and I didn’t know by who. I told them about the room and hallways and the girl with the white hair who saved me. I lied when I was given any self-harm questions. I somehow manage to convince the lines on my wrist were from fighting back.

“Shit, we good to then.”

But I don’t want to go home. The girl with the white hair. Marina. She said that I don’t have to go home. I never asked her what she meant by that. If she’s an angel like how she appears, then maybe she knows I’ll be safe after escaping. Otherwise, what’s the point of even surviving?

The negative thoughts set in.

I’ll just go back to the same house. I’ll-

I don’t want that. I don’t ever want to go through that ever again. I have to tell Andrew. I have to tell someone. I have to. I have to. So Why?

Why is it so hard?

Andrew cleans my tears for me. I get another moment of the real Andrew. He holds me tight and doesn’t say a word. He just lets me cry my little heart. Andrew is the only person who can ever save me. I want to be saved.

-

Our father comes in later the following morning. The second I see him my body locks up. He doesn’t say anything and there’s no emotion on his face. It’s like I’m not even here. Everything in my body tells me to leap out of the bed and bolt out of this room, but I’m frozen. I can’t move.

“Find somewhere else to live. I don’t want you deadbeat ass,” is all he says after minutes of silence. “You’re leaving as so as they let you.”

That’s all he says. That’s it and he leaves.

FUCK!

So just like that, huh? I’m just homeless? No, no, I can call child services, but fuck. That wouldn’t work. What kind of life would I have if I were separated from everything I love? I can tough it out for a year. I just need to turn 18. I can graduate high school and get into college. That’s how I survive. But how do I survive if I don’t have a place to sleep?

Why do I have this idea in my head that I can live normally?

I’m not shit. Won’t ever be.

-

Grace stops by to cheer me up. I didn’t notice yesterday, but she no longer wears those dorky glasses that made her eyes look so small. When I see her actual eyes, they’re so pretty. She tells me that she’s been hanging out with Cody since she doesn’t have anyone to protect her beside him. I wonder how that’s going. Even now she still is crushing on him really hard but she doesn’t have the friendliest tone when she mentions him. She must’ve gotten rejected, poor girl.

Grace leaves I’m left alone for a while. I’m able to think for a bit. I have to be alive for a reason. I just have to. There isn’t a reason why I am if it’s not destiny. Maybe I can become stronger so I don’t ever have to feel like this anymore. Maybe Mendelssohn is right.

No. I’ll never be strong enough.

Andrew walks in sucking a bag of Capri Sun. “You know, Dad kicking you out kind of works out doesn’t it?”

“He told you?”

Andrew sits beside my legs. “Now we can call child services on his ass but we’ll both get moved to places we don’t need or want. I don’t need the stress of that right now and we have a year until we’re 18 anyways. You hate living at home so it works out a bit.”

“Where am I going to live? You’re forgetting that part.”

“Easy,” Andrew shrugs. “Ask Emily’s dad. He doesn’t got a daughter anymore.”

“He never liked me in the first place.”

“What about Isaac? Wait no, he’s gay and you’ll get to courage to finally come out. Uh, wait you already did. Nevermind.” Andrew takes a drink. “Grace? Her parents are stacked have you seen her house?”

“It’s just her and her mom.”

“Really? In a house like that?”

“Her mom works at this hospital and is never home. I doubt she’ll take me in.”

“Don’t know ‘til you ask, in fact,” Andrew jumps up and tosses his Capri Sun into my hands. “I’ll ask her for you, B-R-B.”

“Andrew!”

There’s no arguing with my brother. He leaves as soon as he arrived. He drives a good point that I haven’t thought about. Dad doesn’t want me in the house anymore and I don’t want to be there after what he…

I’m scared.

I’ve been so scared this entire time.

I’m still scared.

I wrap my arms around my legs and clench myself together. What is wrong with me? Why am I so weak? Why can’t I be like mom? She was so nice, cheerful and calm. Why did she have to die? I miss her. I want a cigarette.

Hours later a pretty woman with brunette hair walks in. She looks familiar, sort of like…Grace. She’s just an older Grace. This must be her mom. “Hi,” I greet her.

“Hey there, you must be Sara. Grace has told me a lot about you. I’m Virginia, her mother.”

“Nice to meet you.”

Virginia’s aura feels warm and light. It’s just like Grace’s. I don’t feel as tense which is good. Sometimes it’s really hard to realize how much my body can relax.

“I think I ran into your brother in the lobby earlier. He came to me with a weird request.”

“Oh, that? Don’t worry about it, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” I scoff. It’s quite embarrassing.

I catch Virginia looking at my wrists and I quickly hide them. “Grace was really worried about you. She told me you went missing and begged me to bring her here when she found out you were here. You’ve been good to her, so you have my thanks.”

“Oh, uh, no problem.”

“I’m really sorry for everything you have been going through. It’s just, what your brother said, it’s unreasonable. I don’t know you so I can’t take you in.”

“It’s okay, I understand. It was a crazy idea anyways.”

Virginia sits in the only chair in the room. She examines me. Her eyes match the intensity of what Cody’s eyes can do. Just what the hell did Andrew tell her? “So tell me about yourself. Why are you here? Why did you run away?”

Wait, is she serious?

“If you lie to me I won’t take you in.”

She’s serious. She’s absolutely serious.

“I...There’s something,” I pause because I’m fumbling over my words. I want to tell her everything and I don’t even know why. My own fear stops me again. “There are some things I’m not ready to talk about.”

“It’s okay,” Virginia smiles. It calms me down. “You don’t have to tell me everything, but I do need the truth.”

I close my eyes. Everything inside tells me I can trust Grace’s mom. There are a lot of things I never admitted to myself. I think there are a lot of things I have yet to admit. “I’m addicted to cocaine,” I start off.

Ever since Elizabeth's death, I doubled down on how much I did. The only way I could afford it is because my brother literally just has pounds of it lying around and gives it away when he wants. I think it was my way to cope. Not just about Ellie, but everything else. My father likes to beat me. Andrew doesn’t know or at least I don’t think he does. I’ve forced myself to do things to keep the charade of being straight for no fucking reason. I fucking hate myself so much. There’s just so much fucking self-hatred that I can’t stand it.

Life hasn’t been the same since Mom died.

That’s why I do so much coke.

Then there was that night…

He crossed a line I never thought of. I want to throw up. I don’t tell Virginia this.