He’s perfect. Everything about him is perfect. He doesn’t turn me away, he lets me be by his side. He pays attention to me, he cares about me. He doesn’t let anyone bother me at school. He introduced me to his friends and they all accepted me. I’m finally somebody. I’m finally not invisible.

Cody makes me feel like I finally belong in Darkwood.

His eyes pierce into my soul. They’re intense, but they’re so sweet. They’re watchful and protective. I love it. I never felt this way before. He makes my heart stop.

Then I remember the last conversation I had with Emily:

Her hair was short. Emily looked like a completely different person. I always thought she looked so mature, much older than she was. With her short hair, she looked so young, her age.

Through it all, she always had this smile. I don’t know how she could with everything she’s been through. “You’re gonna be okay, Gracie. You’ll be okay.”

“But if you leave, who’s going to be my friend?”

“We’ll still be friends. I’ll text you every day, check up on you.”

“No. I mean-”

“Cody.” She said so bluntly as if she didn’t want to say it. “I told him to take care of you.”

When she said that, my heart skipped a beat. I was excited and nervous. At the time I was still nervous around him; he was still so mysterious to me. But to Emily to say that it was as if she said it was okay for me to have him.

“I haven’t even talked to him that much.”

“Don’t you like him?”

“N-no!”

Emily giggled. I’ve never been a good liar. I don’t even know why I try. “I see the way you look at him. It’s okay, I look at him the same way. It’s why I told him to protect you.”

“So you-”

“I don’t want to hurt you, Gracie. But I have to, Cody won’t ever like you back. You’re too young and you’re not his type.”

I never felt rejected before. I didn’t believe her words. I still don’t. It’s because she still wants him. “So why?”

“Gracie there’s a lot of things you still have to learn. There are things I want to teach you but I can’t stick around anymore. You’re gonna get hurt, Gracie, but Cody will be there for you. I can trust him for that.”

“Uhm, okay.”

Still, Emily smiled. “You’re looking at me like you hate me.”

“Well, what you’re telling me is pretty hypocritical.”

“I know.”

“I don’t get you, Emily. What do you want me to do?”

“To not fall in love with him. It’s not that I’m saying you can’t have him or that he won’t ever like you back. I’m saying that I don’t want you to fall in love with him because I don’t ever want you to experience that heartbreak. It’s breaking me, I don’t want the same thing to happen to you.”

But it was still so hypocritical. She doesn’t want me to like him but she asked him to stick with me? That doesn’t make any sense.

Then again, I guess there wasn’t any other person to ask.

Andrew’s a jerk.

And Sara’s dead.

I don’t have anyone else, so all that’s left is Cody and by extension, Chris.

-

I haven’t seen my mom in a few weeks. This morning is the first she’s been up early enough to make me breakfast. There are days when she doesn’t even come home from the hospital. “How’s school, Gracie?” She asks with her back turned to me as she seasons the eggs.

“Better. I made some more friends last night.”

“Oh? Tell me about them.”

“When of them is this guy named Carlos, a senior. He was the first one to talk to me. He’s really nice. Then there’s Alyssa, another senior. She used to be friends with that Megan girl, but like, she kept talking to me. She even invited me over to her house sometime.”

“Ulterior motives or genuine?”

“Genuine. She apologized.”

Mom turns around with the pan in her hand and a spatula in the other. “Everyone seems to be a senior. Any plans on making friends your own age?” She says as she pours the eggs unto my plate.

“I’m uh, working on it.”

Mom sits on the other side of the table, across from me. Her chin on her palm and a smile, “Work on it harder, semester’s almost over.”

How do I tell her no one my age would talk to me? Even if a few people talk to me and everyone else leaves me alone, I still feel all the judgemental eyes on me. Everyone still avoids me. They all treat me like I’m dirty, that I’m a disease.

“How’s work?”

Mom sighs, “Stressful, but you know how it is. I’m just glad I get to be home for a while.”

“A while?”

“I’ve been working nonstop, they finally gave me a few days. Not a whole week, but enough to hang out with my little Gracie.”

“Oh.”

“Oh? I was hoping you would be more excited we finally get to spend some time together. What? Are you busy today?”

“Sort of. I’m hanging out with Cody.”

“All day?”

“I can come home at sunset?”

“Please,” Mom smiles again, raising her head. “I know I haven’t been around much, but I want to make up for it. I’m really sorry I wasn’t there to help you deal with Sara’s passing.”

“It’s okay, I already cried a lot.”

“But you shouldn’t have to all alone.”

I wasn’t alone. I had Cody. He talked to me about it, on how to process it. It isn’t easy. I’m not even sure if I have. I try not to think about it. That’s the easiest.

I mean, it just hurts too much to think about it. I just couldn’t ever imagine Sara doing it. She was so kind to me. At first, I thought she was scary with how she looked and acted but I was wrong. There wasn’t ever a moment where she wasn’t kind. I just don’t believe that she had demons strong enough to consume her. I never imagine depression being that real.

At first, I didn’t believe the news. There wasn’t any chance Sara would do that, not after what Elizabeth did. Nobody wanted to believe it. It wasn’t until they told me that they found her stuff that it actually settled it. I don’t even know how to describe it. The entire time it felt like someone was holding my heart tightly. Like the pressure was making it hard to breathe. When they told me, it was as if I dropped to my stomach and burst inside.

I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. Every single thought of mine was just replaying memories of Sara in search of any signs where I could’ve noticed her sadness. I mean, she could’ve talked to me, but she didn’t. I guess I wasn’t as close to her as she was to me. Even Emily couldn’t help her and those two were best friends.

Emily texted me every day like she said she would. I would talk to her about Sara a lot. Emily knew what she was going through but she thought it was all resolved. Sara’s biggest issue was that she couldn’t come out, or at least was too afraid to. But Sara did, and Andrew accepted her, so I don’t understand why. Emily told me that Sara’s mom died when she was little and her father isn’t the greatest. She would tell me at Sara’s worst, Emily would have to force her out of bed and come to school.

I just-I just don’t understand it.

But I have to look at it through the positive. Even if Sara died, I still have the memories I had with her. Even if Emily is now in New York, I know she’ll be there for me when I need her most. And through all of this, got me close to Cody.

He takes me to the Diner today, just the two of us, like a date. We sit in the far back away from anyone else. The only one near us is that weird Jana girl, the one who never talks to anyone.

“Hey, Jana Kramer,” Cody says as we walk by but he’s ignored.

“What’s up with her?” I ask when we sit quietly enough for her not to hear me.

“Jana Kramer? I thought you already knew.”

“I know a little bit.”

“She used to be our friend. Sweet girl. She became a recluse after-”

“Oh, I see. You guys haven’t talked to her?”

“We’ve tried. She doesn’t let anyone in.”

Jana Kramer. She hides her face with her hair and wears nothing but baggy sweaters. She’s the one who took the death of Elizabeth the hardest. She still hasn’t recovered. I don’t know what it means to have a best friend. I think I’m close to Emily, I think I was close to Sara. If I was any closer to Sara, I wonder if I would’ve ended up like Jana.

“This town eats everyone alive. Jana Kramer is lucky she hasn’t let it consume her.”

“Did it consume Elizabeth?”

“I don’t know. The dead don’t speak.”

“It had to, no? I mean if it didn’t she would’ve-”

Like a ghost, a small girl appears in my peripheral vision, Jana Kramer. “Please don’t speak about her,” she says so softly spoken.

“Right, sorry Jana. It’s wrong of us,” Cody smiles.

Jana turns her head to me. For the first time, I get a look at her eyes behind her hair. They’re so large, just like mine. Her lips are chapped and she looks like she hasn’t slept. Does she really not let anyone help her?

“I’ll like the two of you to leave.”

“Right. Of course. Come on, Grace.”

I take Cody’s hand and he leads me out of the booth. I take one last look at Jana Kramer before we leave. She’s staring at the ground and hasn’t moved from where she was standing. “Why’d we leave?”

“Because she asked. Wasn’t our place to talk about Elizabeth like that.”

“But we just got here!”

Cody stops me right outside the diner. “Listen, you started it. You shouldn’t talk about things that you don’t know about. Jana Kramer,” Cody pauses and starts to walk towards the entrance of the town. “She’s hurt. We should leave her alone, at least until she’s ready.”

But when will that be?

Jana was another victim of what Elizabeth did, just as I was. It’s the middle of November and I still don’t have a concrete reason for why she did it. Everyone I ask gives me different answers. Elizabeth Wilson, 18 years old, the Golden Child of Darkwood, Washington. She never did drugs, never smoked, and only drank. I heard she was a really nice girl until she started to become friends with her friend group. Bo told me on the night where I met him that she tormented a girl at a party one night. He said that it ate at her inside.

But that’s no reason.

Cody said that he screwed with her head. Emily told me that Elizabeth got too jealous. Sara said that the drug use caught up to her. People keep saying that she couldn’t deal with being pregnant with Andrew’s kid. And Chris told me she wasn’t ever meant to die.

She was never meant to die, yet Elizabeth started hanging out with the friend group I fell into. She started to smoke, and do drugs, and why? To fit in, to impress Cody? What was she thinking after being straightedge for her whole life? Nobody knows.

I just have to accept that I'll never get my answer.

I’ll never know why she decided to be right in front of me.

I follow Cody back into the town. Sometimes it feels like he’s a giant over me or like I’m just a puppy dog following my owner. My tail is wagging, so is that such a bad thing? The thoughts of Elizabeth fade with every step as I watch my first crush, no maybe first love lead me into the forest.

I want to feel what it’s like to hold hands. I want to feel what it’s like to be kissed. I want to feel what it’s like to be loved. I want to feel what it’s like to be cool, pretty; popular. There are a lot of things I haven’t experienced because I’ve been afraid to go after them.

My entire life I’ve been ridiculed and bullied for the way I look. I never had friends, I never had anyone to teach me to be normal. All I ever had was video games and a desire to change. Emily extended her hand to me and allowed that change to occur. I learned that the entire world was mean to me for no reason. I am pretty, and I am cool.

And here I am, spending the day with the boy I like and I’m certain he likes me too, otherwise, why would he?

He takes me to the treehouse. On the way, he stayed silent the whole way through. I wanted to talk, I had so much to say, but I just couldn’t. The first few times I entered the forest I felt so anxious. Not only is it scary but it also where-

But every time I enter, I feel better and better about it. I think I can find my way to the treehouse by myself now. You walk far enough toward the center until you find the jagged tree stump then you take a right. You walk until you find reach the creek that you have to jump over, luckily there is a boulder down the middle you can jump through. After that, you head on straight, following the man-made road of dirt until a clearing. In the middle is a giant tree, much bigger than any other.

This is where Cody’s treehouse is. Large enough to fit a couple of people but small enough that he can't stand comfortably in it, but it’s perfectly sized for me.

“You okay?” Cody asks taking his bowl out of his backpack.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re just been quiet.” I sit next to him over the entrance.

“That a problem?”

I watch Cody smoke out of the bowl. “Yeah. Is smoking weed all you do?”

Out of everyone who I watched smoke, Cody is one of two who I’ve never seen cough. “It is now.”

“Well, that’s kind of lame. I don’t like being high.”

“Aren’t you twelve, it's all you’ve done.”

“Doesn’t mean I like it.”

“So why do it?”

To fit in. But I don’t tell him that. I like being drunk better and all weed does is make me anxious. “No reason.”

Cody chuckles. It’s a cute one. It warms my stomach. “You shouldn’t be doing things you don’t like. It’s not a good look.”

I wonder if Elizabeth did it all to fit in. “Then what’s a good look.”

“Your eyes,” he says so suddenly.

Like a sudden slam on my heart, it stops. My cheeks feel like it’s on fire and a tingle travels throughout my entire body. “N-n-no. S-s-stop.”

Cody sighs and puts away his bowl. “Sorry.”

“N-no. What did you s-say?”

Cody chuckles again. “I crossed the line. Sorry.”

“No, you didn’t.”

All this flustering made me forget that all this time I’d just been staring at my hands. When I look over at Cody, he’s piercing through my soul. “What is it that your want, Gracie?”

You. I want you. You. You. You. You.

“I-”

His eyes blink slowly. My heart starts hitting my ribcage. His lips form an upward crescent moon. I think nothing but what it would be like to feel his lips. Cody buts the backpack to the side. My body leans towards him.

He leans away. “Grace, you don’t even know what you want.”

“No. I do,” I whisper. I can feel the heat of my breath. My entire body is burning up.

“Is this what you want?”

“Yes.”

Cody’s body leans toward me. Mine starts to move on it's on and then I just go blank.

The warmth of his breath. The electrifying tension that I feel when I get closer and closer. How the world gets starts to fade around me and everything disappears. It just becomes just me and Cody.

Then everything completely disappears.

When I open my eyes I see Cody looking at me, sadly.

All my thoughts come rushing in. How did it feel? How long did it last? I don’t know. I don’t know. I think it was just like tasting wet skin. What did he feel? Did he feel the same sensation as me?

“I’m not the one for you,” He stands up and heads towards the back of the treehouse.

I follow behind him. “What?! Why?”

“I don’t want you ever you, Gracie.”

-

My mom asks why I’ve been so quiet. How do I tell her that all I want to do is lock myself in my room and cry? But I promise her that I would spend the night with her, so here I am.

I don’t even know what to feel.

I thought he liked me.

I thought we had something.

But he said we can only be friends.

It’s hard not to cry in front of Mom.

Tonight is movie night. We’re watching ‘The Hangover’. Mom laughs more than I do. Of course, I laugh too but I feel like I force myself to. I had never seen the movie before but everyone at school raves about how funny it is.

It is funny.

I just wish everything that happened today just didn’t so I could enjoy this movie.

My phone vibrates but I ignore it. Thirty minutes into the movie, my laughter seems to be genuine and the thoughts of today seem to fade away. My phone vibrates again.

“Not gonna get that?”

“It’s just the two of us tonight, right?”

Mom smiles, “Right.”

An hour in, the phone starts to vibrate repeatedly. A phone call. It’s a call from Emily, but I don’t want to speak to her. She’s the reason why I can’t have him. She’s the one he’s fixated on. I was stupid to ever think I could compete against her.

“That’s Emily, right? Answer it, I can pause the movie.”

“I rather not.”

“Gracie, did something happen today?”

Before I can answer, there’s a knock on the front door.

“May I help you?” Mom says when she answers the door.

There’s panting, then “It’s Sara,” Cody says.