It was Friday after noon, I was packing my guitar up for the show with Trevor and his band at The Lounge and I was hoping that Devon would show.

I had even texted her telling her what time and everything, even though she didn’t reply.

I figured she was spending time with her family, or she was sleeping or sick… but in the back of my head I knew the truth.

She was just ignoring me.

I felt the pain in my heart return, but there was just that one hint of hope I had… Maybe she would surprise me, run up to me and hug me around the neck like she did before she left. Or maybe she was going to show up any minute now, ready to burst through the door and hug me and tell me she missed me.

A girl can dream, right?

The situation with Samantha… well that was an entire new ordeal itself. I felt guilty, stupid, dirty… and a little like a whore…

But I could do absolutely nothing to get rid of the pain.

I wanted to accuse Samantha of rape, but I couldn’t do that because I had willingly let her. I didn’t fight, I didn’t protest, I did nothing to stop her… so I was in the blame to. I wanted to blame Samantha, but there was no use…

I had lead her on and allowed her to do what she did… so it was all my fault.

I had told no one about it, not even Trevor… I was to ashamed. I had the worry in my stomach churning just thinking about it…

I grabbed my guitar, slinging it over my shoulder and grabbing my keys. Guess Devon wasn’t going to run through the doors after all…

Maybe at The Lounge.

I started walking to my car, the air was cool, wrapping around me and making me shiver slightly. It was getting colder, and I hated it, because one thing I hated was being depressed, but I really hate being depressed and alone on a cold nasty night…

Without Devon.

I felt tears sting my eyes once more, it wasn’t getting better for me, the distance thing… she really needed to come home.

In the time we actually spent together… we had grown so close, everything was fine… then all of a sudden she felt the need to leave? I just didn’t get it… she had always been depressed, I mean who wouldn’t be? Her best friend died in a car wreck just 6 months ago… that’s a hard blow to take. But now she was starving herself, majorly depressed… nothing inside my head clicked.

Was it because I looked awfully similar to Rachel? Or was it because I played guitar, or so say acted like her, according to Devon?

Or was it because she was to afraid to get attached to someone like that again? Afraid she was going to lose them and have to relive the nightmare?

Her last words echoed in my head, “Please be here when I get back…”

I clenched my jaw, feeling the pain ripple through my chest once more. Was it ever going to go away? Why did I care so much anyway?

Its not like she was here for me… not like she was considerate of my feelings. She didn’t love me. She didn’t even have enough heart in her to stay with me. No. She ran away…

Like a little bitch.

I got out my car, slamming the door a little to hard and grabbing my guitar. Why did I get so angry all of a sudden?

I walked in, smelling the familiar scent of fried foods and beer. I smiled as Trevor approached me looking frazzled as usual, which I never understood.

He had nothing to worry about.

“I’m really glad you came, because there are new faces and I’m pretty sure they’re all here to see you.”

I smiled faintly, then asked, “Is Devon here…?”

His eyes found mine, slowing giving me the answer without words and I nodded.

“Never mind…”

He patted my shoulder, “There’s still time.”

I followed him to the stage and I started to tune up, music sort of got me away from all of this… but would it work tonight if Devon showed up? Would she even show up? My hopes were high, maybe a little to high… but I couldn’t help it.

People started filing in and my hopes ran even higher, but I saw no one familiar. I was playing later, so Devon still had time to show…

Trevor’s voice rang out, pulling me out of my trance… I watched him, he was such a good artists… maybe one day I would be buying his album.

He deserved it.

He worked his ass off, recording, writing, setting up and playing gigs…

In reality, in my old mind, I would should like Trevor. He’s just like me, so why don’t I like him like a normal person?

I scanned the room as the show went on, but Devon had yet to walk through the door.

Then the door opened.

I felt my heart speed, my eyes searched for the door. Devon was here. She showed up! I scanned the crowd, we were packed so finding the door was a little tough.

Then I realized, it was just Samantha walking through the door with some of her friends.

I rolled my eyes as they met hers, thinking and seeing Samantha was on my NOT TO DO list. I wanted to hit her she pissed me off so much. The shit she pulled with me… well it just pissed me off even more thinking about it.

Her eyes found mine and she smiled, it was friendly, but I sneered at her, not even wanting to make eye contact with her. Even though it was to late.

***

Soon enough the show ended and I was packing up my stuff once more, feeling the loneliness creep up again in my chest. I snapped my guitar case shut and hoisted it upright, turning and starting for the door. Then I felt with Trevor tap me on my shoulder, I turned, “Yes?”

His face fell a little, “You going home so soon? We were going to go out and stuff… and here’s your money.”

I looked down, taking the cut slowly from him and shrugging, “I’m not really in the party mood, Trevor.”

His eyes scanned mine, “Amanda, just come out, try and forget about Devon. She’s treating you like shit… you don’t deserve that.”

“I know I don’t, but I can do nothing about it.”

His mood fell and he shrugged, “Fine then… see you.”

Then he was gone, and I immediately felt bad. Its not like I wanted to be upset, and it’s not my fault I just wanted to cry all the time. I wanted to have fun…

So should I just go out with Trevor and let loose?

I threw my guitar in the back of my car and turned, coming face to face with Samantha.

Again.

I grimaced, “Get away from me.”

Her face fell, she stepped back, “What the hell Amanda?”

“I can’t even stand to look at you.”

I went to get into my car but I felt Samantha’s hand wrap around my arm, “Tell me what the fuck is your problem!”

I spat back in her face, “You, you fucking slut! You took advantage of me the other night, and you knew I was vulnerable! Yet you continued to molest me!”

The words hurt her, but she wasn’t backing down, “You didn’t seem to mind when my face was between your legs!”

I rolled my eyes, the urge to punch her in the face building. I hated Samantha, I wanted to hurt her, punch her… I screamed.

“The only reason I let it happen was because I was thinking about Devon the entire time!”

Her face fell more, seeing the pain cross her face. Her eyes burning with hatred, then she turned and left me alone in the cold, winter air.

What have I done?