The next couple of days were dreadful, I tried hanging out with Trevor like Devon had told me to do but it didn’t numb the pain at all… she had skipped Algebra class to… Monday and Wednesday morning…

She was avoiding me. 

Emerson had even come up to me and asked me where she was, but once again, I had to tell him she was taking time to “sort things out”.

Which, by the way, I still didn’t know what that meant. 

It was Wednesday evening, I was spending it with Trevor, we were practicing and I was trying not to break down. Then all of a sudden he set his guitar down and asked, “Amanda… I hate seeing you like this.”

I shrugged, “I can’t do anything Trevor,” I fell back onto his bed, feeling the soft pillow cradle my head. I felt the tears sting my eyes and the lump grow but I refused to let either of them rupture.

He stood, setting his guitar on the stand and looking down at me, “You miss her?”

I nodded, “Of course…”

He tilted his head, “You love her?”

I shrugged, “I’m not really sure…”

Which was a lie, because you and I both knew I was madly in love with her for no apparent reason. But admitting it… well it would make it all to real. 

“How can you not know?”

I felt the rage build in my chest, Why did it matter? I leaned up, looking at him, his eyes boring into mine, I stood, “Because Trevor, I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone as much as I love that girl, and I barely know her!”

He held his hands up, “Woah, it was just a question…”

I slumped back down to his bed, regretting getting worked up because of Devon… it wasn’t fair. How could she just leave? Not care at all? Well she did care, she just didn’t pay any attention to it. She knew leaving me would hurt me… but was she really in that much pain?

Sure, her and Rachel had a fight, she died, and Rachel was in love with her… 

Did that mean Devon was in love with her to? She just didn’t realize it until Rachel was actually gone?

Was that what she was hurting over? She was just to afraid to tell me?

I looked up at Trevor, “I think I’m gonna head home.”

He looked at me, tilting his head, “You still gonna play Friday?”

I shrugged, “Yea… see you tomorrow?”

He nodded, “See you.”

Then I was out the door, feeling the pain return immediately. It never left, no, but it did go away sometimes… but it still wasn’t enough. 

I felt the cool Fall air wrap around me, Thanksgiving was approaching and I was afraid that Devon wasn’t going to come back before. Two weeks without seeing her? What the hell was I going to do with myself? I would go insane…

Especially if she never tried to contact me.

I opened my door, setting my guitar down and curling up onto my bed. Tomorrow it would be Thursday, and it had felt as if two years passed… it wasn’t getting better for me. How could I not care? Why did I care in the first place? 

She obviously didn’t feel anything for me, even if she did love Rachel.

The weird dreams buzzed around my head, especially the one where Devon had screamed Rachel. 

And she was looking dead at me. 

I mean I knew she had a tendency to call me that, but I always thought it was because she was hurting… but in a dream to? I mean that was just to much… I could handle that all the time… Why couldn’t she just accept the fact that Rachel was gone though?

I heard a knock on my door, and my heart stopped.

Was it Devon? Was she finally back? Even though it had only been five days? Even though that felt like months?

I jumped up, afraid to open the door, but then excited all at the same time. Should I hug her? Kiss her? Tell her that I missed her? Or tell her I didn’t miss her at all? 

I put my hand on the door knob and I turned it, slowly feeling my heart drop while I opened it. 

But instead of Devon, it was Samantha, and my heart fell, along with my mood. 

She smiled, “Hey… how you doing?”

I shrugged, “Okay I guess, I thought you were Devon.”

Her face fell, and she locked eyes with me, “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean…”

I shook my head, “It’s fine. Not your fault.”

“Can I come in?”

I looked at her, seeing no harm in it, I felt so lonely I didn’t even care. I backed away, letting her in and she sat on my bed, looking at me with a sad look in her eyes. I sat next to her, she placed her hand on my knee, “Did she call you?”

I shook my head slowly, “No…”

She squeezed it and then pulled back, “Why?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know… she doesn’t wanna talk to me.”

She looked at me, “I doubt that very seriously. You two were practically inseparable…”

“Doesn’t matter, she left obviously, so she doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

“Amanda, one thing I do know is the way Devon acts around you, it’s the same way she used to act around Rachel when I still went to school there.”

“How did they act Samantha?” I looked at her, feeling suddenly curious.

She shrugged, “They were always together, just like you two. They were so protective over each other to, more Rachel then Devon… their moods affected each other, Devon was sad, Rachel was sad… when they were apart… God it was like the world was ending.”

It did sound like me and Devon, but Rachel and Devon had been best friends for years, not months.

Samantha continued, “I always thought they were dating but… Devon constantly denied it, even though it was obvious that Rachel loved her.”

I looked at her, “You knew Rachel well?”

She shook her head, “We had a class together once, but other then that no. I was a grade above them, so I never really knew them.”

I laid down, my head hitting the pillow and felt the tears sting my eyes when I thought about Devon… God I missed her. 

Samantha looked at me, “You ok?”

I nodded, “Yea…”

Samantha turned on her stomach, looking at me. Was she going to kiss me? Was I going to let her? Did I want her to even kiss me? What did I have to lose?

Her lips met mine and I didn’t feel anything, like usual, but she continued to kiss me. I felt her body move towards me, and even though I wanted her to stop, it was taking my mind off of Devon, so I let her continue. Her hand ran up my side, she was completely on top of me now, moving her body against mine. 

Why not? Samantha obviously liked me, and I didn’t want to feel alone anymore. The pain in my heart, well, it was getting unbearable… maybe she could take it away. 

Everything I was going through, the transition… college, Devon, loving her, battling my sexuality, Nelson, school, guitar, Trevor… the dreams, the weird thoughts… 

Maybe I just needed to let it all go tonight, and maybe Samantha could do that for me. 

***

I woke up, my naked body curled under my sheets, Samantha was nowhere to be found so I guessed she had a class to get to. 

I stood, throwing on a T-shirt and some sweats and heading to the shower. 

I felt the cold linoleum under my feet as I turned the water on, feeling the immediate hot water surrounding me. I tried to scrub the dirty feeling I had in my stomach away but I couldn’t, I tried to remember last night with Samantha… but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to remember it… 

Samantha had taken advantage of me… I was weak, hurting… and she knew that. 

She wasn’t trying to help me, she wasn’t taking my feelings into consideration. No, she was being completely selfish, doing that to me…

She knew better. 

I grinded my teeth, slamming my fist into the shower wall, the pain rupturing through my body, but I didn’t mind it. I needed to feel something besides this nasty feeling…

I felt the pit in my stomach deepen as I started remembering what me and Samantha did last night, but I tried to force the thoughts out of my head.

Although I knew I would never be able to forgive myself for letting her do it.