A week had passed since I kissed Devon, she had barely said a word to me since to. I felt horrible for it, naturally, but the feeling overcame me. I didn’t know why I loved her, and I didn’t know why I had been compelled to kiss her. 

It just sorta… happened. 

But it wasn’t my fault!

I would try to start conversations with her, and I would beg her to come watch me play with Trevor sometimes at practice but she always refused, blew it off, or made up an excuse. 

And it was really getting to me. 

I had told Trevor about what I did, and at first he freaked out like any guy would, and then he decided to hear me out. He tried giving me advice, but everything I tried with Devon never worked. It confused me, hurt me, and my heart was aching 24/7 because she would barely say two words a day to me. 

I was laying in my bed, typing a report for psychology when Devon walked in, I looked up, smiled my usual smile and greeted, “Hey.”

She threw her booksack onto her bed and grabbed her purse, “Hey.”

“Where you going?”

“Out.”

I rolled my eyes at her one word answer and sighed, “Okay then. Have fun.”

Then she was out the door. This is what my day usually consisted of. She was obviously going out with Emerson, that’s the only other person I’ve ever seen her go out with. 

It actually infuriated me. 

I didn’t know why, but ever since I kissed her… I’ve felt more attached to her. Even though she’s been practically ignoring me didn’t mean I haven’t grown more fond of her. 

Especially those sexy, soft, velvet lips. 

Thinking about them made me quiver in my knees, I wanted her so bad. I felt as if I needed her almost, but I held the forbidden feelings deep down in my stomach, attempting to ignore them the best I could. 

But I was starting to get weak. 

When I had kissed her, it felt so… right. Like I was supposed to do it, and in a way it felt so familiar. It freaked me out, but I liked it. 

Then as I was replaying the kiss inside my head, I caught a flash back. 

~O~

Spin the bottle. A oh-so popular game at parties in Highschool. I was sitting across from Devon, and my eyes were fixated on her while her’s were fixed on the spinning bottle. 

Then I felt my body stiffen as her blue eyes caught mine, I looked down, the bottle had landed on me. 

I smiled, then leaned over and spun the bottle once, hoping to land on any girl except Devon. 

If I had to kiss her… I would just like her more. 

Then my bad luck came into play, and the bottle slowly, and dramatically, stopped on Devon. 

Her eyes looked at me, and we heard the chants and the howls of encouragement. I swallowed hard, and she smiled, she was a little tipsy, so she didn’t care, but me, I was sober as hell, and I was scared. 

I didn’t want to kiss her in front of these people, but it would be the only time I would probably ever get the chance. 

I leaned forward, she whispered, “It’s just a kiss from your best friend.”

Then our lips met.

~O~

I was back in my room.

What the…?

I rubbed my eyes, my head was hurting, and I felt like I needed to throw up. Why would I get these random flashbacks, I had never played spin the bottle with Devon. Ever. And I didn’t plan on it, so where did that memory come from?

I rushed to the bathroom, feeling my stomach churn as I leaned over, then my lunch spilled out into the toilet. 

I groaned as I felt the headache get stronger, I felt like I was going to pass out. 

Oh God please don’t do that to me, I was alone for Christ’s sake! What if I died? 

I carried myself to the sink, rinsing my mouth out and throwing cold water on my face. My heart rate was speeding up, and my breathing was getting deeper and faster. 

I sat on the floor in the bathroom, pulling out my phone. I didn’t know who to call, my parents were an hour away and Trevor was most likely with his band and wouldn’t hear the phone. 

I typed in Devon, and pressed Call.

Then I blacked out. 

***

“Amanda? Amanda! For Christ’s sake, please wake up!”

My eyes shot open, my head was killing me, I groaned, “What?”

My eyes found Devon’s and I heard her voice shake, “Jeez, I thought you were dead!”

I tried to stand but my legs gave way, I was weak, I slumped to the ground again. I wanted to respond to Devon, but I felt as if I was going to pass out again already. 

“How long have you been down here?”

I shrugged, it was all I could muster up, she disappeared into the room and brought back what looked like a sandwich. “You need to eat.”

I bit into the sandwich, it took everything I had to chew it though, then I sipped on the bottle of water. My heart rate was starting to slow down, and I felt myself finally start to relax. 

I groaned again, “I need to get in bed.”

She nodded, agreeing with me, “C’mon, I’ll help you.”

She began hoisting me off of the bathroom floor, I tried my best to get up, but I was still weak. She didn’t have to carry me far but I knew I wasn’t light. I helped her the best I could and then I continued to lay on my bed. 

She sat next to me.

I smiled, “You know… that’s the most you’ve spoken to me… all week.”

Her eyes found my bed, she was upset, I could see it. Her eyes were worn, like she hadn’t slept in two days, her cheeks bones… they were more noticeable… What had she eaten today?

I was short on breath, “Devon…”

Her eyes found mine again, those sad blue eyes that made my heart ache… she whispered, “What?”

I held back the tears, clenching my jaw, trying to stop the lump in my throat from exploding, “I’m sorry…”

“For?”

I rolled my eyes, “You know… kissing you.”

She shrugged, “I just… I don’t understand why you would do that. I mean sure, you kissed Samantha, but you said that you didn’t like her like that… then you go and kiss me? It’s not making any sense… are you gay Amanda?”

Was I gay?

I shook my head, “I… I don’t know.”

“How do you not know?”

“Because I’ve never loved a girl.”

Her looks changed from concern to more confusion, “What does that mean?”

No, I wasn’t telling her I was in love with her, it was to early for that. I shook my head, “Nothing…”

“I just want to understand you Amanda…”

I nodded, “Same here…”

I didn’t understand myself anymore, Why has everything changed so dramatically within the last two months? Why didn’t I look the way I used to? Why did I love Devon? Why was ii questioning my sexuality? Having weird flashbacks over things I’ve never done before?

Who was I? 

Because lately I’ve been wondering if Amanda Phillips even still exists anymore.