***-AMANDA’S POV-***

Wow, I never would’ve thought that Devon, of all people, would’ve done that to me.

She was just messing with me, right? She didn’t mean it… but what if she did, and she was just to afraid to admit it to herself. I knew I loved Devon, and I would do anything for her, even though I had only known her for about a month and a half…

But could she possibly be falling for me to?

No, Devon was straight, and I… well I was confused.

Never once since I broke up Nelson had I been attracted physically or emotionally to a guy. Not even Trevor, with his sexy, tousled hair and those musky eyes… the way he took interest to me never phased me though, and I knew exactly why.

Devon.

I scrubbed my scalp almost viciously, trying to get these thoughts out of my head, but it was no use. I had so much going through my mind it was unreal.

Class, papers, guitar, Samantha, Devon, my family, Devon’s health…

Why couldn’t I just worry about my grades and be done with it? No, college life seemed to come with a lot more problems and complications then that.

I began to rinse, trying to calm my heart from the reoccurring thoughts of Devon laying on top of me. Holding my wrists down on that mattress, teasing me with her lips at my ear…

I groaned to myself, I wanted Devon. Bad.

I started to dry, and I found myself excited to be getting back to Devon. I wanted to climb in her bed, curl up next to her, and fall asleep like that.

But would she let me?

I gathered my things and I walked out, surprised that I didn’t run into Samantha on the way back.

That girl… I didn’t know whether I wanted to run from her or kiss her. She was crazy but sexual, and maybe a little to attached to me.

But why did I secretly like it?

I opened the door and saw Devon curled up in her bed, I smiled, “Devon I know you’re not sleeping.”

She didn’t move, and I smiled bigger, then I hopped onto the bed with her. She looked startled at first, but then her face fell into a frown, and for some reason it took me back.

“You ok?”

She shrugged, “I don’t know… I just wanna go to sleep.”

Huh. What had suddenly changed in twenty minutes? She was just happy, and then I left, then she was depressed again.

I groaned as I climbed off of her, and climbed into my own comfortable bed.

But it wasn’t as comfortable as when Devon was wrapped around me.

***

I was startled awake, screaming, I looked frantically at Devon and she was crying, screaming, and I jumped up and ran to her. I grabbed her hands in mine, forcing them away from her soaked face and spoke, “Devon, Devon wake up.”

Her eyes were open, wide with fright, she was shaking…

God what did she dream about?

She was panting, and I spoke, “You ok?”

She nodded shakily, but I knew she was lying to me. No one could act like that during sleep and be ok, mentally I mean.

“I just… the dream… Rachel…”

I hugged her tighter, then I laid next to her, hugging her warm body into mine. Her head was in my chest, and I smiled, “It was just a dream… it’ll be ok.”

She stayed silent for awhile but her breathing stayed the same, so I knew she wasn’t going to sleep.

I thought back to what Trenton had told me, it was possible that she was having nightmares about that. The experiences she would go through inside her own head… they were killing her. Devon’s last moment with Rachel was almost awful, heartbreaking, complete shock…

And like I said before, she had no closure from it.

It was eating her alive, and now she was having dreams about it. Nightmares actually, because dreams were good, this, this was bad.

I heard her voice, “I miss Rachel,” it was a whisper, and for some reason it warmed my heart, then it hurt me.

Like I loved hearing it, but then it was tearing me apart at the same time.

“I know, it’ll be ok… you’ll see her again. Then you two can go shopping and have girl nights all the time, like she was never gone.”

She shook her head, “But she is… and our last moments together… they were so horrible. For her. Not for me. I was an idiot that night…”

I comforted, “Devon, stop mentally blaming yourself for her death, it was a freak accident… Rachel is still here, just not physically.”

I didn’t know what that meant to be exact, but it felt right… Rachel was here, but Devon couldn’t see her.

Wait. What did I mean by that?

I shook my thoughts, deciding they weren’t important anyway.

“But I can’t see her, or hear her voice, or talk to her, or anything… because she’s fucking dead. Dead because of me Amanda, it’s my fault.”

I hugged her, “Devon, why do you think it’s your fault?”

“Because… I’m a horrible person… she was hurting for years… and I didn’t do anything about it.”

I looked at her, confused, Rachel had loved Devon for years? Did Rachel tell her that the night she died? Why wouldn’t Devon just tell me the truth for Christ’s sake?

“What do you mean Devon?”

She shook her head, “I don’t want to tell you…”

“Why? You don’t trust me?”

She sighed, “I do… it’s just… I don’t wanna hurt you to. I don’t want to bother you with my fucked up life, my sadness, my anything… you don’t deserve that.”

“I deserve to know the truth though, don’t I?”

She was sobbing silently, and I felt my heart twitch inside my chest. God she looked so pretty when she cried, but she was so fragile, so hurt…

“You’ll think less of me if I do…”

I pulled her tighter, trying to make her feel comfortable with me. I never once thought less of Devon, if anything I thought of her more for still being here after Rachel’s death… and the situation Rachel had put her in.

“Devon, I think you’re a strong person, you’ve stayed and stood strong for three and a half months… I’ll never think less of you.”

She was silent, and I was praying for the best. For her to tell me…it would make my life so much easier. I wouldn’t have to watch my words, I wouldn’t have to lie about what I knew.

Even though I was lying to her and myself because I was in love with her.

But that was completely unrelated to this.

She sighed, “The night of graduation…” Oh God, she was going to tell me? “Rachel and I didn’t fight, she just… confessed something to me.”

I looked at her, “What’s that?”

She pulled her eyes away from me, she was nervous and she didn’t want to tell me. She continued anyway, “Rachel was a lesbian, and that night… she admitted being in love with me. I was in shock, complete, utter shock. I didn’t know how to react to that… everything we did together… it just, all snapped into place. Then… she was gone. She disappeared into Trenton’s truck, and that was the last I ever heard of her.”

I grabbed Devon’s face in my hands, having this incredible urge to comfort her. I didn’t know how though, the feelings I had inside my chest… they were just so strong.

Then all of a sudden I pressed my lips to hers, feeling the electricity explode around us.

I ended it just as soon as I realized what I was doing, Devon’s face was priceless, and I felt bad.

I was a horrible person.