So lately everyone has been telling me how horrible of a person I am. I don't think before I do things. I purposely try to hurt others or I do it without thinking. Then I come up with a reason to justify it when I have no actually reason for why I did that. I lost three people in my life that really loved and cared for me recently. I hurt them really bad and I don't think I will be able to ever get them back. I lost a boy who did everything for me and more. I lost him because I didn't accept the love he gave me but I accepted love from a boy who cheated on and manipulated me. I lost the girl who was the for me from the jump over another boy. I lost her because I'm selfish and have to control everybody and everything. I thought with everything going on that I'm fine. I know what I'm doing and who I am and I don't. I'm lost. This chapter isn't sexual. But it plays into being a nymph. I can't fall in love. I don't show real emotion. Maybe I'm a sociopath. This school year has been alright but it's getting harder now. I'm losing a lot. It's all my fault too so I can't really blame others. I need to let go of the past. I need to let go of the people in the past. I can't keep holding onto you josh. I held on too long and I hurt you so bad. I did the most worst and unimaginable to you and I'm so sorry. I swear to you and now I'll never get to show you. I'll never really get to show you that it's okay to trust me. I don't know what's wrong with me but I want to. I want to get through this. I know I can but I've got to fight . I've got to try harder and just be a good person. Not expect things from people but do what's expected of me. I lay down with so many people because I hate being alone. I sleep with people easily. I'm easy. I'm what you'd label as a ho. I know this and I want to change. No one respects me. I think I'm in love with the idea of being in love. I don't know what love is. I'm overly dramatic. I keep toxic people in my life and don't stand up for myself. I'm scared. I blow up for no reason. I feel entitled to things when I have no right to even know about them. I ruin people's happiness so much. I just really need to figure this out. I need to start reading and writing more. I need to come to terms with who I really am. I want to start going to church. Find myself through something. Learn new things. Focus on me. I'm sorry to everyone I have hurt. I will tell them but I won't get to tell everyone I hurt and that's what kills me. I don't work for things. I just let them happen. I don't set and reach goals enough. I'm just as bad as the girls I talk about, if not worse. I feel so alone and I really don't know what to do. I know I have people but I push them away or I hurt them and they leave. Then they give me another chance and I do it again and it's all my fault. I have no problem taking the blame because last night I really got a reality check. I hurt someone so close to me in such a terrible way. I can NEVER take that back. So before you got to fight over a boy or something that won't matter to you I'm a few years, DONT ! Don't lose someone who did have your back and made sure you were straight because once you lose them. They are gone. I hope one day you will forgive me.