one night he asked me to come over and i was with some friends and my mom wasn't home so we snuck out and went to my lovers house. now at this time he was my first for everything but sex. after months and months i finally let my lips touch him and taste him on the places that you're suppose to wait for marriage to touch. but i guess that depends on your beliefs.

anyway we went to his house, me and my two friends and he had his friend there. so the five of us were just hanging out when the boy i was in lust with asked me to go to the back yard and i said yes. everyone knew what was going to happen. everyone knew he was gonna take my last final stance of innocence.

he took me to the back yard and we were standing on the porch. it had just rained so it was wet. as we walked on the porch i felt my heart start to hammer in my chest as he began to touch my body. he pushed me against the the wall of the back of his house and began kissing down my neck. his hands roamed all of my body. i couldn't breathe. i couldn't talk. i was dripping just from his hot breathe fanning against my neck. he loved teasing me. he loved looking at me and just seeing me unfold like a map. in the same hands of the boy that had broken my heart a few months before. i was 13 at this time. 13.... still a baby. still trying to figure out myself.

i knew what was gonna happen but it was no where near how i thought it would happen. i pictured it to be calm and safe. you know like when they kiss you it should make you want them even more. they should reassure you and make you feel so so safe in their arms. i wanted to feel loved and it's hard to put into words but that's not how i felt. i felt scared and violated.

he began to beg "your mouth, i need it" and at this time he had me wrapped around his finger. anything for him. whatever it took from me, he could have. i began to kiss down his chest and i got on my knees and i unzipped his pants "look at me while you do it" he growled. i quickly looked up and finished undoing his pants. i waited for him to nod his head and tell me he needed me. once he did i began to take him in my mouth. his head rolled back and his hand quickly found my hair and began to pull. i have done this multiple times now and i knew exactly how to tease him. i took more and more of him in my mouth so slowly. i was mesmerized by his whimpers. dirty, encouraging chants fell out of his mouth as he groaned. he's knees kept going weak. his fist he was making so tight his knuckles began to turn white.

he was so warm in my mouth. he didn't have to tell me to look up because seeing him like this was so beautiful to me. the way his eyes kept going to the back of his head. he kept biting his lip and he was so breathe taking. he always was the most handsome boy. it gave me the control i've always wanted. i could feel myself start to ache, in need of his touch.

after a few minutes of my mouth preforming his favorite number on him, he picked me up and said "i'll never forget your pretty little lips" and he didn't. he ran his thumb over my lips and kissed me. that was once of the only promises he ever kept. there was a park behind his house and he led me there after he pulled up his pants. now i this next part is probably the most embarrassing thing ever. he laid me on the slide and began to kiss me again and said he needed me and i told him not here. he begged and begged and i was never able to say no to him. he had me at his disposal. i finally gave in and he kept touching me all over. he kept trying to reassure me and tell me that it was going to be okay. that he would never hurt me. he pulled off my pants and pulled out the condom. he smiled softly and played his little mind tricks. then he took off his pants and slid the condom on his erection. he was so big. finally he positioned himself. he kept kissing me but it still felt so wrong. but i just wanted to please him.

in the movies or books they tell you that it hurts like hell but eventually they get use to it. that's a lie. it hurt every time for the first few times i did it. but the first time felt like hell. he was hushing me telling me it's alright . i kept crying. finally after trying a few times he stopped and gave up. i quickly got up and pulled up my pants. and he did the same. he hugged me and i pulled away, feeling very upset.

i don't really remember why i was upset. maybe it was perhaps the fact i couldn't please him or maybe because i was disrespecting myself. but anyway we walked up to the front and his friend high fived him and i lost it. i began to walk home. my friends quickly followed and when we got home i cried. i was bleeding and crying and i hated myself so much. i finally calmed down and when i looked at my phone there was a text from him. saying he thought my friend was cute.

i don't think i could have felt any worse that night.