I held Lauren's ice cold hand all the way to the hospital. A memory of her flashed through my mind every time a tear was shed. She was as white as the winter snow and her lips deep blue. It didn't seem like five minutes ago that it was her fifth birthday and she got the princess bouncy castle she had always wanted. She will always be my little princess, no matter what. Nothing can come between me and my little girl, ever.

"She's gone into cardiac arrest" one of the men shouted.

They pulled out a machine with wires everywhere and I couldn't control my emotions. I was screaming and crying uncontrollably.

"Clear." her torso was shocked and moved 5 inches in the air. I was in shock. How could this be happening to my daughter? All of this was my fault. If I had seen what was happening to her instead of being so engrossed in my own business that I completely blanked her out. How long had this been going on for? Maybe she reactivated her Facebook to see if her dad would talk to her about all of this and I had to scream in her face. Did I stop her from helping herself? I would much rather it be me than her.

"She's back with us, good job boys."

I could finally breathe properly. My precious little girl had been given another chance. Hopefully this was my second chance to look after properly and get her help for this dramatic weight loss. I didn't want to admit it to myself but I thought of her having an eating disorder, I know it sounds ridiculous and makes me sound like such a horrendous mother but I was sure of it. There was no other explanation, dramatic weight loss, Pro-Ana websites, not eating, constant illness and not doing p.e. How could I not have seen, the signs were so obvious. How could I have left her to be so helpless. The paramedics kept talking about how low her white blood cell count was and how it can lower the immune system's resistance to disease, leaving a person vulnerable to infections. Everything was a blur for me, I felt like all of this was a nightmare. She used to be so happy and full of energy all the time and now she is a fragile, helpless, anatomic figure and I don't know where I can go for help or what I can say to her for this to seem better than it is. She tried to kill herself, how is waking up and seeing me going to make her happy she didn't die?

I didn't care how long she was going to be in hospital for as long as she was okay, that's all that mattered to me. We finally pulled up to the hospital as a young woman pulled the stretcher Lauren was on out of the ambulance and placed her carefully onto a bed before carting her to ICU. Before she went anywhere, she looked at Lauren, looked at me and shook her head. Of course this was my fault, everyone knew.