Winter just dropped me infront of my house, I wait for her to disappear before entering. The first thing I saw was my dad drinking an alcohol while looking at his phone. His expression, I knew it very well.

"You really are a bad girl, Karina." I don't know what he's talking about. Did he see Winter outside?

"First, I've been seeing you outside the house with a girl and now you're going out with her?" I'm really confused, what is he talking about? Did he really knew everything all this time?

He went closer to me and showed me the picture of Winter and I inside the mall. I can't help but to worry because I know he'll hurt me again.

"You really don't listen huh?" He threw the bottle infront of me and the glasses scratches my face while the alcohol splashed on my clothes. I can feel my legs tremble in fear as I receive some slaps and punched from him.

I can't say that she's just a friend because we have a mutual feelings, but we are still friends right? I can't open my mouth nor even protect myself from this monster.

"Stop it!" My mom appeared and hugged my dad, it's the time I found a time to escape from the mess. My face is once again getting numb. I looked at the mirror and I saw my face slightly covered in blood with lots of bruises. I don't have time to clean my face and just fell asleep.

~~

I woke up, my face feels sore and it still have some bruises and blood. I went inside the bathroom and turn the shower on, hitting my whole body, I can see the blood dripping off of my face. It stings. I don't want to attend school, I don't want Winter to see me like this. She might have it out of control and confront my dad about it, or even worse, provoke him more.

Take me away from here, Win.

I am done getting ready and was about to leave the house but my dad grabbed my arm forcefully making me wince in pain.

"Where do you think you're going?" He's drunk again, I'm dead.

"She's going to school, please let her." My mom held my dad's arm trying to make him calm down. But it wont happen.

"You are grounded for a week. You won't attend class." That sentence makes me go weak, I will be trapped here, I guess.

My mom and I knows that we can not do anything about this since we're just living under the roof of my father. But knowing mom, she'll stay with him even though there's an opportunity of getting out of here.

"No!" My dad grabbed my cellphone and hid it in his pocket. He's serious about me being grounded. I just sighed in defeat and went upstairs to cry, again.

Winter, I need you again.

I just sleep and have a rest from all the pain that I am feeling.

I am so close of giving up on my life.

I grab my mp4 and put on the earphones as I play songs so loud so I can distract myself and prevent myself from hearing my dad's voice downstairs.

( I always wanna die (sometimes) by The 1975 )

I bet you thought your life would change

But you're sat on a train again

Your memories are sceneries

For things you said but never really meant

You build it to a high to say goodbye

Because you're not the same as them

But your death, it won't happen to you

It happens to your family and your friends

I pretend

I cried with the music that I'm hearing along the dark cloud forming up there as it started to be with me by crying also.

Cuddle weather.

How I wish, Winter is here to cuddle me. Protect me from all the pain that everyone is making me feel right now. I couldn't even look at her picture atleast on my phone.

I kept in wandering and thinking about anything until I fell asleep because of the cold weather. I was wrapped inside the blanket.

~~

I isolated myself in my room, locking myself up. Good thing my father never go up here and bang my door because he might break it. I never eat for the past 2 days since he started to ground me. I don't even feel hungry right now.

I remember that I have a laptop on my drawer that my mom bought for me last year. I used it to message Winter. She left me so many messages. I hate that she worries about me.

Why didn't I think of my laptop the last couple days? Dumb.

I am re-reading Winter's messages. It makes my heart break into pieces.

She's so consistent. I hope it wont end soon. She never failed to miss a day from texting me. I quickly typed my reply and sent it to her.

I'll see you soon, Win.

I haven't got time to reply when I heard a knock from my mom. I closed my laptop and hid it under my pillow.

"Karina, Sweetie? Eat now please. You haven't had anything for the last couple days." Should I? Yeah, I'm kind of hungry. I should eat right now and never eat again for the next days.

I'm peacefully eating when I noticed my dad went downstairs, he's sober. He ignored me which is surprising and just watches a tv. It's not like I want him to hit me but it's surprising he didn't. I hope soon he'll realize everything that he's doing to her own daughter.

After eating, I went upstairs and locked the door again. I never wanted to be interrupted. I once again, found myself listening to songs before drifting off to sleep. These are all too much for me to handle. The trauma that I never had time to heal but it went back, this time, it hurts more.

It's almost 12 pm and I remember that I should be eating with Winter at this time. God, I miss that girl so much. Her smile, her laugh, her being focused at her games, her kindness towards me and her love for me. She's giving me too much that I can't even give half of it back. Chae's presence is still haunting me and I'm afraid my feelings for her will go back when I see her again, hopefully not. So I decided to not rush things with Winter yet, because I do not want to hurt the latter. She is too precious for that. I wanted to know first that I am fully recovered from my past.

I have the perfect family right now, I can see on my father's eyes that he loves my mom so much. I could never ever ask for more.

There's this girl in my dance class, she's so talented and cute. Her face looks innocent at all but when I get to know her, she just caught my attention for some reason. I never wanted to let her stay out of my sight. I can feel a pang in my chest whenever I see her flirting with other guys.

Am I gay?

I suppose, I've never felt like this before in my entire life. And I know my family wouldn't like it since I'm too young for this. But what can I do?

I hid it to Chaeryeong because I know it wont even do anything but break our relationship as friends. I'd rather not confess than to lose you as my only friend.

Whenever I feel sad, Chaeryeong was there to be with me. She's doesnt give a good advice but she surely is a good listener. She listens to me rant about my schoolworks. About my rollercoaster feelings with the story that I am reading everyday. She was there.

But now? She left me when all I had left was her.

I lost my bestfriend and my first love. What could go wrong? Odds are always on me. I just hope if Winter and I gets a chance, I could finally fight for her, stay with her and do everything I can.

That I can not do for Chaeryeong.