Things sort of seem to fall into place after that. Winter finds herself looking forward to lunch break instead of dreading it, and she no longer has to pretend not to know when Karina has after-school band rehearsals-it's pretty much essential knowledge now that they walk home together almost every day. (Karina also knows when Winter has softball practice, which she admits with a shade of deep red on her cheeks.)

Winter likes waiting outside the music room on days she doesn't have practice, and Karina seems to have claimed a permanent seat on the bleachers, but sometimes they have practice at the same time. Like today.

Every now and then Winter's eyes shift to the bleachers in case Karina's finished early, which is why she spots Giselle first. For a moment she considers not telling Ningning, because it's been a while since she's seen Ningning smile like this, but then she decides that she has no right keeping that kind of information from one of her best friends.

"Gi is here," she says, catching the ball Ningning threw her way in her glove. "She looks upset."

Ningning's head snaps up and she looks over her shoulder, and even from a distance Winter can see her nostrils flare. "We got into a fight last night. I said I was worried about how we wanted different things, and she flipped shit on me. I'm really not in the mood for this right now. Can we just pretend she's not here?"

Winter's eyes flicker back to where Giselle is sitting with hunched shoulders and a sad look on her face. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah." Ningning exhales sharply, taking a few steps backwards. "Come on, throw me the ball."

Winter blinks and tries to refocus on softball practice, but she can almost feel Giselle's eyes on her, and her throw is sloppy. Ningning is talented, though, and she manages to catch it low to the ground.

She gives Winter a tired smile. "Don't worry about my relationship, Win. I'll talk to her at the end of practice, just-I just want to not think about it for, like, one hour."

"Okay," Winter nods. "You're right, it's none of my business."

Ningning swings her arm back and throws the ball with such force Winter has a hard time believing she won't think about Giselle during practice, but she shakes her head and jumps up to catch the ball in her glove. As much as she's invested in her friends' relationship, it's not her place to judge about communication problems, especially considering her own track record.

Winter spends the rest of practice pretending not to notice the fire burning behind Ningning's eyes, and apologizing to the freshman that almost gets a ball in her face when Ningning throws it back to Winter with more aggression than necessary.

Somewhere near the end, Karina appears on the bleachers next to Giselle, seemingly out of nowhere. Winter almost stumbles when she sees her, her body wanting to go up there and be closer to Karina now, and when she recovers she sees Karina grinning at her.

Winter can't really help but smile back, giving Karina a small wave before she's up for batting. She's not sure if it's easier to play with Karina present or if it's just dumb luck, but she manages to get the third base before the ball is back with the pitcher. Giselle and Karina are cheering for her when she makes it back to the home base when the next player is on bat, and she raises her arms like she would if it were a homerun.

After the practice game is over, Karina skips down the steps and leans her elbows on the fence separating the bleachers and the softball field, and Winter has to remind herself that they're in public and it's not okay to kiss Karina right now.

"Hey," Winter says, hopping on the fence next to Karina. "How was band practice?"

"Fun. I got to sing," Karina smiles. She glances to her right, where Ningning has hopped over the fence to talk to Giselle. "What's up with them?"

Winter bites her lip, subconsciously scooting a little closer to Karina. Ningning's aggressive play clearly didn't help solve her feelings, because she's talking with excessive hand gestures and Winter can almost make out what she's saying word for word. She doesn't want to eavesdrop on her friends, though, focusing back on Karina instead. "They're solving an argument."

Karina glances over her shoulder again. "It doesn't look like they're really solving anything."

"They will," Winter says. "They're Ningning and Giselle. They'll be okay."

Karina gives her a soft smile, fingertips brushing Winter's hand for a moment. "You know it'll be okay if they don't right? Sometimes people break up for a reason, and it's better that way."

"No-I mean, yeah. But they'll be fine." Winter pulls her hand away from Karina, eyes flickering back to where Giselle is speaking in some kind of yell-whisper, and Ningning looks like she wants to cry. "They have to."

Karina frowns. "Win-"

"No, don't," Winter snaps, hopping off the fence. "I have to help clean up. You don't have to wait for me if you want to go home." She doesn't wait to hear Karina's reply, and she doesn't turn around to look if Karina's leaving.

Her heart is hammering inside her chest, and there's a strange twist in her gut that makes her want to throw up. Karina doesn't understand. Ningning and Giselle aren't just Winter's friends, they're the people that helped her grow and accept herself. Despite everything the world put them through-from teasing to catcalling to making them hesitant to hold hands-they stayed together and in love. And if they break up, it would all have been for nothing. Sort of.

And maybe it's selfish and rude, and Winter knows she should be more invested in her friends' well-being than the fact that their relationship might be ending soon, but she can't help feeling like some part of her own relationship depends on that.

Ningning and Giselle, but mostly Ningning, have felt like such a big part of Winter's life, of the reason she is where she is today, that she can't even imagine what it would be like to tiptoe around them or be forced to choose sides or just not have them there to give her some normalcy in her life-where two girls kiss before her, hold hands, and show each other love, and nothing crumbles because of it. Which, yeah, there's girls kissing on TV sometimes, but it's not the same.

Because on good days, they'll all be walking on the street together, and Ningning and Giselle will hold hands or have their arms wrapped around each other's waist, and no one cares. People passing by don't turn their head to take a second look, their friends are all fine with it, and the fact that they're two girls doesn't even matter. On good days, Winter won't have to think about how much she's in love with a girl and how that's different from being in love with a boy, because the norm has already been set within her group. On good days, Winter forgets that the words 'gay' and 'lesbian' even exist, because love is love.

She probably wouldn't ever get these good days if it weren't for Ningning and Giselle. She would get something on her TV every now and again, something that would make her gut twist, something she'd never feel comfortable discussing with anyone the other day because she wasn't sure what the reaction would be. Maybe sometimes she'd see some girls on the mall that would make her do a double take before hurriedly moving on out of some kind of fear of being noticed. But that would be it. Them missing from Winter's life would've changed so much, that Winter doesn't even like thinking about it.

Winter tells herself her hands are trembling because of the pressure she put on them during practice, and she ignores the way her stomach flips when Ningning raises her voice on the bleachers.

She stays on the field until there's nothing left to do, and when she returns from the locker room with her stuff, Karina is still waiting for her. She gives Winter a careful smile, jumping up from where she'd been sitting on the bleachers. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah." Winter glances at Ningning and Giselle, tries to make out what they're saying, but they've lowered their voices. At least they're no longer shouting at each other nor making wild hand gestures. It calms Winter's heart a little, and she lets out a quiet breath before following Karina out of the field.

The walk home is filled with silence that weighs heavy between them, and for the first time Winter doesn't want Karina to say anything. Maybe it's none of Winter's business what Ningning and Giselle do with their relationship, but that doesn't mean that she won't-that she doesn't-feel affected.

Karina walks a few steps behind her until they're turning the corner to the last block home, when she fastens her pace and brushes Winter's hand in passing. "Hey, are you okay?"

Winter looks up before averting her gaze and shrugging. "I guess."

"Win..." Karina mumbles. She spins around to face Winter, obvious worry written all over her face. "You know our relationship doesn't have anything to do with Ningning and Giselle, right? I mean... If they break up it doesn't mean that things are gonna go bad for us. I know it's hard to see them fighting, but they're them, and we're us. It's nice to have them as, like, an example, but this is something we have to do, you know?"

"How did you-" Winter runs her hand through her hair, shaking her head.

"I know you," Karina says with a small smile. "And they're an example for me, too. Having them around helps make me feel normal-make the way I feel feel normal, you know? So I figured it's like that for you, too. And when you had such an intense reaction to them fighting, well, I just put the pieces together and figured I was right."

They reach Karina's front porch, and Karina gently wraps her fingers around Winter's wrist, pulling her down so they can sit next to each other. "You're not wrong for feeling this way. Someone really smart once told me that feelings are always valid." She tilts her head to meet Winter's gaze and smiles softly. "I think it's time for you to start taking your own advice. You're allowed to be upset about changes, but you have to actually let yourself be upset and look past those first obvious reasons. Figure out why it's affecting you so much, and... deal with it." Karina looks at Winter with kind eyes, fingers playing with the rings on Winter's hand while she speaks. "Just-I've spent so much time thinking my feelings were wrong. I don't want you to think you're wrong for feeling some type of way about anything."

Winter's tongue feels heavy and tears are threatening to well up in her eyes. She's so used to chasing after Karina that she doesn't really know what to do when she's here. There's something particularly painful about that realization, but she forces herself to focus on how tenderly Karina is looking at her right now.

"You're right," Winter sighs. She glances around them to see if anyone's out on the street, and when she sees there's no one, she leans her head on Karina's shoulder. "Sorry for being an ass."

Karina hesitates, then wraps her arm around Winter's waist, pulling her closer. "You're fine." And then, "I'm sorry for being an even bigger ass."

Winter almost smiles into Karina's shoulder, her chest no longer as tight. "I don't know why I'm still in love with you."

Karina sighs almost inaudibly, pressing a soft kiss against the side of Winter's head. "Me either, but I'm really glad you are."

"You have to say it back," Winter whispers, wrapping her arms around Karina's waist as an alternative to kissing her. "It's, like, a thing."

"I'm in love with you," Karina says, almost immediately. "I've always been in love with you."

Something about the way she doesn't hesitate, pulling Winter closer instead, makes Winter's heart trip and stumble inside her chest, because this must be what it's like to be loved back.

Winter is on her back on her bed with Karina on top of her, shivering under the soft touch of Karina's fingertips. For once there's no fear in Karina's eyes when she looks up to meet Winter's gaze, her lips pressing against Winter's jaw, and it's strange and uncommon, but Winter really likes it.

They haven't gone further than making out yet, which is fine, in a way. Winter is in no rush. Like, they took years to get to kissing without Karina running away and Winter's hands trembling, so there's no point in rushing things now.

And yeah, Winter is attracted to Karina-like, duh. Karina's super pretty, and sometimes she does that thing where she'll blink or bite her lip, and it'll make Winter feel some type of way deep inside. But maybe it's just because Winter knows Karina isn't going to run anymore, that she doesn't have to be scared to have her heart broken at any given moment anymore. It's enough for now.

Winter grips at Karina's waist to flip them around, but Karina smirks against her mouth and hums something along the lines of, "No."

"Rina," Winter whines, but she doesn't put in more effort. She smiles and leans up to kiss Karina's lips again. "Hmm. Can I ask you something?"

Karina blinks and sits up, thighs still bracketing Winter's. There's something unidentifiable in her eyes, but she doesn't say no and she doesn't try to push Winter away, so Winter figures it's okay. She keeps her gaze locked on Karina, though, to see when Karina freezes so she'll know when to stop.

"Okay, really weird question, but, um, did you have sex with Yeonjun?" Winter blurts out all at once, before she can change her mind.

Karina does freeze then, her hands stilling where they'd been playing with the hem of Winter's shirt. She takes a shaky breath, then nods. "Once." She looks away, a sort of grin playing on her lips. "In the back of his car. I don't know why we thought that was romantic, but yeah."

Winter stares up at Karina, unsure whether it's okay to smile or laugh or react in any way that isn't tense and dramatic. Karina rolls off of Winter and props her head up on her arm. Her fingertips trace the outline of Winter's hipbone, and one corner of her mouth tilts upward. "What about you?"

"Uh," Winter breathes, mind completely blank except for how much she wants to kiss Karina right now. "I mean, yeah. Also once."

Karina doesn't really reply to that. She nods again, and then leans forward to catch Winter's lips between her own. Then she sits up and runs her hand through her hair, an unsure smile on her lips. "I'm not going to run away just because you ask some personal questions anymore, Winter. I spent too long trying to ignore everything that made me terrified of loving you, but I'm done with that. I'm done running. Like, yeah, I'm still sort of terrified, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be there for you. I understand if you have a hard time trusting me, and I won't push you or anything, but I'm making the conscious decision to stay here and try-even if it scares the shit out of me."

Karina's words feel a little like someone pulled the white hot knife from between Winter's ribs, because-holy shit, she never truly realized it before, but Karina's right. Winter doesn't trust her. She stopped trusting her the moment Karina didn't fight back against Ryujin's words. She stopped trusting Karina when she decided that fear was going to determine the way their lives were gonna go. Winter spent almost half her life fighting against feelings for someone she didn't dare to trust, and suddenly it all makes sense.

"Oh," she says. It comes out softly, like a whisper and a breath in one, and she doesn't know how to follow it up. There's a pull in her chest and something heavy weighing down her tongue, and when she tries to swallow it it doesn't go away.

Karina is still looking at her with dark eyes and a look that's too understanding, and Winter almost wants to cry. She scrambles up, straightens her shirt. She knows why Karina only wanted to kiss before-kissing is easy. Kissing means no thinking, and no thinking means no talking.

She turns around to face Karina, arms folded over her chest, like a shield protecting her heart. "You're right. I don't-I want to trust you. But-" Her voice trails off. "You know?"

Karina's jaw clenches and pain flickers in her eyes. "Yeah."

Winter looks at her, then, and it almost feels like it's the first time she's really looking at Karina. There are no walls up between them, no poison waiting to be spilled from her tongue and no fire in her eyes. There's only Karina, feelings of guilt and love and fear and anger written all over her face, and, in a way, it's beautiful.

Winter leans forward to wrap her hands around Karina, and a twinge of guilt flares up when Karina tenses for even just one second, but she puts on a tiny smile of bravery. "We'll work through it together. If there's anything I've learned from the past few years it's that you can't force anything, but eventually things go the way they're supposed to go."

Karina nods, her hands warm against Winter's palms. "Together. I like the sound of that."

Ningning and Giselle break up a few days later. Ningning calls Winter late at night with the news, and Winter has to remind herself that it's a school day and that she can't go to Ningning's house in the middle of the night.

It sucks, because Winter is friends with both Ningning and Giselle, and she doesn't know whose side she's on because the breakup was mutual. It sucks, because Ningning looks paler than a ghost for the next couple of days and Winter is pretty sure she hasn't been eating well either. It sucks, because that's what breakups do.

Winter tiptoes around Ningning for a week, cracking stupid jokes every now and then to see if she can make her smile, but her effort goes to waste when it ends up in a crying session instead. And while she's holding her best friend, Winter briefly wonders whether this is how everyone else felt around her and Karina when they were still unable to breathe around each other without feeling like the world was gonna end.

Winter wants Karina to be her girlfriend. Like, she's always wanted Karina to be her girlfriend, but she wants it on a whole other level now. Because having a label on their relationship feels like security-like it'll somehow make it harder for Karina to run away.

And, if she's being completely honest, it wouldn't change much. They already act like they're in a relationship; movie nights (and Winter falling asleep halfway through) occur at least once a week, and they always have these short little moments full of smiles and butterflies when they pass each other in the hallways at school. It wouldn't be an upgrade, just a label.

She says that, but she can't lie that it would bring something more to the table. Like, just the thought that if some random person hits on her, she could say, "I have a girlfriend", and mean it... that matters. It matters to Winter, at least. Even if just a little bit-like it would help cement the fact that they're real; that they exist outside of stolen moments in the privacy of their rooms. That even if others don't know, they'd know.

Labels are defining, though, and Winter doesn't know whether Karina is ready for that. She doesn't know whether she is ready for that. But she can't stop thinking about how it would feel to have Karina as her girlfriend, to have it be official.

So one day when they're in Winter's room doing homework together, she takes a leap of faith. "Rina?"

Karina holds her hand up as she scribbles something down in her notebook, looking up when she's done. "What's up?"