Winter breathes into Karina's mouth, fingertips digging into the fabric of Karina's shirt. Her eyes are clenched shut as she tells herself this is what she wants. She wants Karina. She wants Karina to kiss her. She wants this.

Somewhere in the back of her mind she hears a voice telling her that they need to talk, but it's hard to be reasonable with Karina's knee pressing between her thighs; Karina's hands pushing her back by her shoulders until her back hits the bedroom wall.

"Kar-" she tries, weakly-torn between wanting Karina's lips to stay right where they are, and wanting them to say words and talk about feelings.

But, "Shh. It's okay. No talking." Karina shoves Winter back against the wall, harshly like she's trying to hurt her. And Winter lets her, drunk on the taste of Karina's lips.

At least Karina isn't running away anymore.

When Winter gets to their usual lunch table, Karina and Ryujin are laughing at something on Karina's phone. They don't really acknowledge Winter's arrival with more than a glance her way, and Winter suppresses a sigh as she sits down on the opposite side of the table.

She tries not to stare at Karina, tries not to think about the way it felt to have her hands tangled with her hair the other night, but her eyes inevitably end up on Karina's face anyway. Karina's too beautiful not to look at.

"Try being more subtle next time," Yeji whispers in her ear, sliding into the seat on Winter's left.

Winter looks up and attempts to roll her eyes convincingly. "I wasn't-I mean, I was staring into space. Not-you know."

"Sure," Yeji says.

"Seriously," Winter exclaims, right before realizing she said that too loud, causing everyone at their table to turn and look at her for a moment.

"I totally believe you, whatever Yeji's up your ass about," Ningning says, dropping her bag on the floor. "What is Yeji up your ass about?"

"Everything. I'm never good enough for her," Winter replies, as casually as possible. She's highly aware of the way Karina's gaze shifts between Winter and Yeji for a moment, but she decides to ignore it. If Karina wants to know, she'll ask later. (She already knows Karina won't ask, because asking means talking, and Karina doesn't like talking.)

"That's not true," Yeji protests, but Ningning looks at her skeptically.

"That's plausible," she decides, playfully flipping off Yeji. "I'm Team Winter."

Winter high fives her. "You have a free period after this, too, right?" She pulls out her phone to check her text messages. "Someone did, anyway."

"Yeah, that was me," Ningning nods. "Glad to hear I'm so memorable. Maybe I'll join Team Yeji instead."

Yeji whoops, looking up from her own phone with a grin. She holds up her fist for Ningning to fist bump her, almost punching Winter's eye in the process. Winter leans back to let her friends be idiots together, before turning her attention back to Ningning.

"How's Gi? She sent me a bunch of pictures yesterday, but they were all blurry, and I'm pretty sure she was drunk."

Ningning's eyes somehow manage to light up and turn a little sad at the same time. "Yup, she was definitely drunk. She went to visit Yujin in college, because apparently she needs more experiences to write songs about, or something. College parties are an obvious requirement."

"Obviously."

"No, but she's good. Enjoying her freedom for as long as it lasts, because next week she has to start her new job at some diner. Neither of us is really looking forward to it, but at least she'll be able to take me out on fancy dates with all the money she'll be earning." Ningning shrugs. "I said we'd all come into the diner when she has to work and we'll be obnoxious customers."

Winter grins. "Sounds like a plan. We'll pretend they have a secret menu and try to order off of it."

"Can we come, too?" Ryujin asks, gesturing at herself and Karina.

"Uh-" Ningning says. "I guess? Got any good strategies in mind?"

Ryujin cracks her knuckles. "I've got lots."

Winter watches as Ningning and Ryujin lean closer to each other over the table to start discussing the best ways to annoy Giselle, trying to ignore the way Karina is obviously staring at her now that her conversation with Ryujin is over.

Even though it's been over a month since they kissed in Winter's backyard and they've been seeing each other at school all the time, there's some kind of silent agreement that nothing that happens when they're 'doing homework' together will ever see the light of day. But Winter can still feel the ghost of Karina's lips pressed against her own from last night, and the night before that, and the night before that.

Winter isn't sure why she keeps her mouth shut about it. She hasn't even told Yeji yet, and she tells Yeji everything-especially now that she doesn't have to hide from her anymore.

There's just something in the way Karina looks at Winter that makes her feel kind of bad. A certain sort of defeat shimmers in her eyes every time their gazes meet, like she's tired of fighting against her heart. But at the same time, Winter can still see the same fear that's been burning inside her own chest for as long as she can remember every time Karina tells her to stop talking when things get too personal.

The worst part is that Winter understands. She feels everything that makes Karina's hands tremble, too. Everything that makes Karina kiss her to shut her up, she understands. She just hopes that this phase of kissing and not talking doesn't last forever-she's not sure she can keep hurting like this much longer.

After lunch, Winter and Ningning debate whether it'll be worth it to sneak off campus to add McDonald's to their lunch, but in the end they decide against it. They make their way to an empty corner of the softball field instead, dropping their bags and using them as pillows as they lie down.

It's quiet for a while as Winter stares at the sky and tries to make a mental list of all the reasons why she needs to get over Karina as soon as possible.

Then, "You know how I got held back a year because we moved in the middle of a school year and my English wasn't as good back then?"

Winter looks over at Ningning. "Yeah, I think you mentioned it before."

Ningning tears a fistful of grass out of the field. "I never really cared about that before, you know? Like, I don't necessarily feel like I'm older than you or Yeji or whatever. But right now it sucks that I'm stuck in high school while Gi is out to explore the world and doing all kinds of cool things. Like, it would be less shitty if it were one year instead of two."

Winter thinks about that for a while. "Do you think it's going to be a problem down the line?"

"I don't know," Ningning says, a sigh escaping her lips. "She said she wanted to travel the world with me, but I'm going to be here for at least another two years, and I might want to go to college afterwards. I don't want to stop her from travelling or doing what she wants, you know? That would be the most selfish thing I'd ever do."

"You can take a gap year," Winter suggests. "Travel around for a year, and then come back and go to college. It's something to look forward to, and this way you both compromise a little."

Ningning gives her a sad smile. "I'd have to take two, because travelling is expensive and college is even more expensive, so I'd have to work my ass off saving for a year, and then travelling. I don't want to be twenty-one when I'm starting college, Win."

"No one cares if you're twenty-one and a freshmen in college. You'll be able to buy everyone drinks with your totally-not-fake ID."

"I'll care. I don't mind being a year older than everyone else, but three years is a lot right now."

Winter reaches out to touch Ningning's arm. Ningning looks at her with sadness in her eyes, and Winter swallows. She hates seeing her friends sad and upset. "Did you talk to Gi about all of this?"

Ningning bites her lip. "I-I mean, not really. Not yet. I don't want her to think I'm breaking up with her."

"Are you?"

"No." Ningning's eyes widen, then she relaxes. "I mean, I don't want to. I'm just trying to figure out what to do, you know? I feel like she has a much better grip on life, and I'm just floating in space, trying to do everything and be everywhere at once."

Winter sits up, crossing her legs. "You should probably talk to her and see how she feels first. Maybe she already thought all this through and you're just overreacting because you miss her."

It's ironic. Here she is, giving relationship advice and telling Ningning to talk things through, when all she ever does with Karina is not talk about anything.

"I guess I'm just scared of what the answer might be," Ningning says.

A faint smile traces Winter's lips. "You'll be fine. She loves you."

Ningning lets out a soft sigh. "I hope it's enough."

Winter blinks. It had never crossed her mind that Ningning and Giselle would one day not work out-like, that was just not a possibility. They love each other, and the fact that that might not be enough weighs heavily in her chest. All Winter can do is try to remember how to breathe when she realizes that if love isn't enough for Ningning and Giselle, she doesn't know how to make it work with her and Karina.

"It will be," she says. "You'll work through it. I believe in you."

Ningning turns to look at her, and she puts her hand over Winter's. "Thanks, Win." She pauses, and then, "For what it's worth, I believe in you, too. With, you know. Whatever happens, you'll make it out alive."

Something breaks inside of Winter at those words, and she bites her lip because she doesn't want to cry-she can't cry about Karina again. She closes her eyes to keep the tears from spilling, lying back down and turning her face away from Ningning.

Ningning squeezes her hand, but doesn't say anything else while Winter struggles to keep herself together. It's not even that Winter minds Ningning knowing how much that gets to Winter-she got used to that a long time ago, even if neither of them really acknowledged it since Winter's breakdown in the bathroom last year.

It just hurts that maybe loving someone as much as a person can love another really doesn't mean that things will end up okay.

Karina's lips faintly taste of the apple she'd been eating earlier, and her hands are soft on Winter's skin. It's intoxicating and distracting, and Winter almost forgets why she knocked on Karina's door in the first place.

"Rina," she breathes, her lips trembling against Karina's. "Can we please t-"

Karina tenses for a moment, pressing her lips harder against Winter's. Her fingers hitch up Winter's shirt to expose part of her stomach, and Winter feels her knees getting weak when Karina's nails dig into her skin.

She weakly tries to push Karina away, but then Karina slips her tongue into Winter's mouth, and there's no place for coherent thoughts anymore.

Sometimes Winter thinks that this might be the final destination of their journey. Emotionless kissing that leads to nothing, Karina stringing her along and Winter following willingly no matter how much her heart aches for more.

She can't help but hope otherwise, though. Especially in moments like this, when Karina is sitting beside her, peaceful and lazy in sweats, looking as approachable as she did when they were six and Winter would ask to hold her hand.

It's in moments like this that Winter can most feel her heart aching for that innocence, for the certainty that she was exactly where she should be that she used to feel around Karina before things turned painful.

Karina probably feels Winter looking at her-she's always seemed to be able to sense it, somehow, and this time it's no different. She turns her way and gives her a lazy smile, and, in an uncontrolled moment, Winter slides closer into her on the couch to press a kiss to the corner of that smile.

Karina blinks and seems to wake up a little at that, and sheer desperation suddenly grips at Winter's heart. "Wait," she mumbles, grabbing Karina's hand with her own and not letting either of them pull away.

She looks into Karina's eyes, and she can tell by the wide eyed look Karina is giving her that her pulse might be beating just as erratically as Winter's is right now. That look is filled with fear, and Winter runs her thumb over Karina's knuckles to try to soothe it away.

"Can we just-" Winter takes a breath and closes her eyes. "We're okay. Right? We were okay."

She feels Karina nod minutely against her, and she opens her eyes again to see her biting her lip harshly. She lets go of Karina's hand to brush her thumb over her lip gently and get her to stop biting it, and she doesn't miss how Karina's lip trembles under her touch.

"Can we just pretend it's okay, then? That we're not fucking terrified, we're just... We're just okay. Can we do that?"

Karina exhales harshly, and for a moment, Winter thinks she's going to have her heart broken all over again. But then Karina nods and leans her head on Winter's shoulder-still trembling, still scared, but trying.

Their fingers intertwine between them, and for a moment it really does feel like it's okay.

They don't talk after that, just hold on to each other. Winter is too scared she'll mess things up by saying the wrong thing, and judging by the way Karina keeps leaning into her more and more, she's falling asleep.

Winter waits until Karina's breathing evens out completely before leaning her own head against hers and closing her eyes. She can smell Karina's shampoo and it takes everything in her power not to move and wrap both her arms around her. That could wake Karina up, though, which would mean she'd pull away and their moment would be over, so for now she's content with just sitting together like this.

She figures it's better to have Karina in some way than not have her at all.

Karina's always been terrified of skating, which, in hindsight, Winter should have thought about before suggesting they all go to the roller skating rink in town.

It's not just skating Karina's scared of-it's pretty much anything that requires Karina to depend on coordination to balance herself while in potentially high speed, which Winter knows because she was once the one always helping her get back up and convincing her to give it a go again.

Karina never said a word against going skating though, and Winter didn't remember until they're at the rink putting their skates on and Winter can see Karina going ghastly pale as she stares at the rink.

"Come on, Rina," Ryujin says, slapping Karina's thigh before jumping onto her feet and heading to the rink entrance after Yeji.

"I'll be right-" Karina starts, before clamping her mouth shut and letting out a breath loud enough for Ningning to turn to look at her from beside Winter.

"You alright over there?" Ningning asks, and when Karina just nods and stares down at her skates, Winter grimaces.

Winter and Ningning exchange a look, and Ningning gets up with a pat to Winter's knee to join Yeji and Ryujin where they're already speeding across the rink.

"You know you don't have to do this," Winter tells Karina, finishing to tie her own skates and dropping her feet to the ground.

"No, I want to, it's just been a while since I did this," Karina says, lowering her feet to the ground from where she's sitting as well.

"You'll be fine," Winter says. "You know how to ride the skates, remember? And I can help you around a little bit if that helps."

Karina looks at her, and Winter offers her her hand. "Come on, I feel bad enough already that I basically forced you to come here. Let me at least help you a little."

Winter pretends that the way Karina stares down at her hand hesitantly doesn't hurt. She knows that Karina's hesitance isn't because of her fear of falling, but because if she accepts her help that means she'll be holding onto Winter's hand in front of other people.

"Karina, it's just skating," she says when the silence between them stretches too long. Her voice comes out far too weak to her own ears, but it seems to spur Karina on, because she presses her lips together and grabs Winter's hand before starting to get up from her seat.

Winter's heart jumps, and she forces herself to get on her feet to help Karina head towards the rink instead of staring at her wide eyed. Karina's hand is sweaty in hers by the time they get to the edge of the rink, but Winter just tightens her grip and holds on when Karina thinks she's losing her balance and yelps.

"You're fine," Winter assures her, guiding her easily enough as they stick to the edge of the rink where Karina can grip onto the wall with one hand and to Winter with the other.

The other girls woosh past them multiple times, Yeji twirling and spinning seamlessly around the few other scattered skaters in the rink and Ryujin teasing Karina loudly when she flies by at top speed, but Winter pays them no mind.

The first time it happens, though, when Ryujin skates by and bursts the tiny little bubble they'd managed to isolate themselves into, Karina freezes, and Winter thinks she's about to bail. She's sure Karina is going to drop her hand and say she's changed her mind, that she's just going to leave, but she doesn't. Instead, Karina looks around the rink nervously, eyes lingering over each person that pays absolutely no attention to them before looking back down at her feet clumsily skating along.

Winter can tell she's nervous, but she doesn't bail, so Winter sticks to her side and flips Ryujin off the next time she flies by them.

"You wanna try going in there for a little bit?" Winter asks when they've gone back and forth along the wall a few times and Karina seems to have grown more sure of herself, her grip on Winter's hand much more relaxed than before. When Karina glances over at where Ningning is skating in slow circles with her hands behind her back, Winter smiles. She knows that look; Karina wants to do the same but is too nervous to do it. "Come on, I'll help you."

"Wait, Winter-" Karina squeaks, but Winter's already pulling her further into the rink, and Karina's other hand shoots out before her to try to keep her balance as she's pulled along. "I'm gonna fall, wait-"

"You're fine," Winter says easily enough, turning so she's skating backwards before Karina, chuckling when Karina grabs her wrist with her free hand, the other still held tightly in her grip. "Look, you're fine."

It takes Karina a couple of moments, but when she realizes they're gliding along easily enough, she starts to relax again, a smile starting to spread across her lips as Winter guides her around the rink in a large circle.

"You wanna try by yourself?" Winter asks, starting to untangle her fingers from Karina's, but Karina instantly tightens her grip on her and refuses to let go, so Winter laughs and relents, continuing to help her along.

A few minutes later she tries again, and this time Karina lets her loosen their hold on each other slowly. Winter keeps her hands hovering by Karina's in reassurance, glancing behind herself every now and again to make sure she's not about to crash into someone, but letting Karina balance and skate along by herself.

"Oh my God, I'm doing it," Karina exclaims breathlessly, and the grin on her face probably gives Winter a small heart attack. "Oh my God, you guys, I'm doing it!"