She's a mom. She has a kid. Oh my...she's a mom.

These same thoughts kept playing on my head on my way home and all night. I was so shocked by the sudden news I barely slept.

I was not a great fan of kids and I was certain I could live my life without kids on my own.

Once again, I curse myself for not having a close friend I could have called yesterday night and who could have told me everything's going to be alright. So instead, tonight I decide to call my older brother.

He is three years older than me, and the total opposite of me, relationship wise. He has many close, long term friends and he met his wife in college. They dated for 5 years before getting married and waited just two years before having their first kid. Now they have a 6-year-old son and a 2-year old daughter.

He's probably going to laugh at me...it's probably a very bad idea to ask him for advice, but I'm so desperate and I really need to talk to someone about it. So better him that my employees or a bottle of wine.

I dial his number.

I take a deep breath and he senses I'm upset.

I hear him laughing and I almost decide to hang up on him. What was I expecting. But he quickly stops, understanding the whole situation and that I actually need him right now.

I sigh.

What he is saying seems to strike a chord, somehow. I am certain carying a child of my own has never been a wish of mine, and I am not a great fan of children and babies (just the thought of babies makes me gag. They drool everywhere and oh god my precious suits would never survive a baby) but now that I really think of it, when I imagine myself with the woman of my dreams, I picture her pregnant, in a very far away future...But the girl I am falling in love has a grown up specimen, that is a different story.

I hang up.

I decide to open a bottle of wine and settle on one of the couches in the living room, the one direcly in front of the huge windows facing Central Park.

I sip on the red wine thinking about what I really want.

As I get tipsy I contemplate texting Juliette, to tell her I haven't given up on her...yet. That I am still thinking. But decide against it. It's well past 10pm and she is probably alseep after a long day at work and raising her kid on her own.

My thoughts wander and I try to imagine her life, what it must have been like to lose the person you love and imagined spending your life with... what it must have felt to be left alone with a kid, how one can even explain to someone so little that her parent is forever gone.

I start sobbing and almost dial Juliette's number but decide against it again. That would not be right, to call her in the middle of the night, tipsy, and crying, instead I leave for my bedroom and settle comfortably under the silk sheets.

................

The next morning I wake up with a headache. I have spent the night turning in my bed, not able to find any sleep. My throat is dry and raw from the wine. I feel depressed and not in the mood for work and after much consideration –well not that much actually- I decide to take the day off.

My secretary will probably wonder what the hell is wrong with me since I rarely go on holiday, and have never called in sick. But fuck it I need time for myself.

I cook a full breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, two large mugs of coffee and head for the city once I'm ready.

I walk without purpose, enjoying the chill air of this November morning.

After a while I sit on a bench and only realize where I am once I hear the shouts and laughters of children.

My feet dragged me to a playground for toddlers and I am surrounded by moms and nannies with babies in pushchairs, and kids with theirs mouths covered in sand or chocolate. Gross.

I watch the kids for a while, wondering how their small bodies can function with so much energy without any coffee in their system. They never seem to get tired...and I am just exhausted from watching them climb and slide and climb again, run, fall, and start running again.

There's this mom I have been observing for a while too. I hope she hasn't noticed, I don't want her to think I'm a perve or trying to hit on her...or maybe want to kidnap one of her kids. She has two, a 3-year old I'd say, though I am not an expert but judging from the way her sentences are not grammatically corret all the time, I'd say I'm pretty close. And she has a baby sitting on her laps. The mother is multitasking, trying to feed the baby with fruit, while getting durt out of her other kid's hair.

Mothers are incredible, like superheroes who can achieve anything for heir little ones. They are both so loving, kind and caring, and can become so fierce if the life of their offspring is at stake.

My mom has always been like that I remember. I wonder how she always found the energy to do so much for my brother and I, never complaining about how tired she was.

Do I really want to do that ? Put my life on hold or just put someone else first ? Everything I have ever done was for me and only me. But yet again, Juliette said she wasn't looking for another mother for her daughter...just for a partner, someone to love her. That I can do. But will it be enough ?

Gosh....overthinking is so annoying. I need to go to work and stop thinking.

................

Two more days have passed, I have not slept any better and I am sitting in my office avoiding everyone.

I haven't texted Juliette either. She must be worried out of her mind and I feel like such a prick.

I dial my assistant's number asking her to come to my office. After a few seconds I hear a knock on my door and tell Nathalie to come in.

« Yes Mrs Sheffield ? »

« I need you to cancel my meeting tonight. »

« The one at 6pm ? »

« Yes, that one. Reschedule it for when I have the time. »

« Will do. Anthing else ? »

« Yes, I need you to order flowers. »

She furrows her eyebrows at hearing this and I change my mind.

« Never mind, I'll do it myself. Just bring me my coffee. »

« Sure Mrs Sheffield. »

When Nathalie exits my office I call a florist and ask them to deliver a bouquet to Juliette's school. I am asked what sort of flowers I'd like to have sent and the occassion...but I have no idea what flowers she likes, what colour is her favourite. But I remember she loves Kandinsky and opt for something colourful and not too big. I don't want her to carry it all the way home and in the metro.

On the card that accompanies the bouquet I ask that something simple be written : « You are on my mind. »

The florist tells me she is delivering it immediately and now I am waiting in my office, my mug of coffee between my hands. Give me strenght Wonder Woman.

................

Finally I hear the sound I had been expecting all morning.

«Juliette, Hi ! » I say as I answer my phone.

« Amelia, hi. Thank you for the flowers, they are beautiful. »

« I'm glad you like them, I didn't know what to pick. »

« You can never go wrong with flowers. I really appreciated the surprise. »

« Can I come see you tomorrow ? I mean if you don't have anything planned. »

« Yes, of course. But...it's a little short noticed. I won't be able to find a babysitter. »

« No, it's alright. You don't have to get rid of your daughter to see me. Sorry that came a bit harsh. »

I slap my forehead.

« Come whenever. We aren't doing anything particular this weekend. »

« Ok, see you tomorrow afternoon then. »

« Bye. »