After Amelia left I am a sobbing mess. I didn't want her to find out like that. I was about to tell her because my feelings for her are getting stronger each day and I wanted to break my damn rule, a rule I had made up to protect Lily.

I didn't want her to imagine the first woman I bring home would be a new mom, and I didn't want my girlfriend to be one for her either. I would never force her to take Kelly's place. I had been a single mom for two years and could well manage on my own to raise my child. I needed a partner though, to love and love me back.

But right now I need my friend and I call Lea.

« Hi babe what's up ? »

« Amelia knows. » I manage to utter between sobs.

« I'm on my way. » She quickly says before hanging up.

I lay on the couch, my head burried in a cushion. I don't hear the front door as Lea lets herself in.

« Ju ? It's me. »

She says as she enters my flat, so I don't get startled. She sees me on the couch and rushes to hold me in her arms. My tears fall uncontrollably, making her cheek and neck soaked.

« Amelia wanted to surprise me tonight and she came here. And she saw Lily. »

« She took it badly ? »

« She was shocked and surprised but she stayed for dinner and I explained a bit. She needs some time. »

« Yes she does, who wouldn't ? Don't worry, I'm sure she'll be back. »

« How can you be so sure ? »

« I know she loves you. I see it in the way she looks at you, kisses you, smiles when she sees you. There's no way she's going to leave you. »

« Thank you, for saying that. »

« I'm proud of you Ju. You held your promise to Kelly. »

With Lea's words, a memory I had tried hard to forget came to my mind.

...............................

I am visiting Kelly again at the nursing home. She has been there for three weeks now, with zero sign of improvement. Leukemia is a bitch and she needs a bone marow transplant but doctors have not been successful in finding a match. So we wait...hoping and praying.

As I enter her bedroom I notice immediately she has grown paler and weaker, as if it was even possible. Although she tries to smile when she sees me, I see worry in her eyes.

« Hello my love.» I tell her, kissing her forehead.

She moves aside, wanting me to lie down beside her. Which I do, wraping my arms around her gaunt body. She has lost so much weight in so little time it scares me.

« I'm going to take a little nap, is that Ok ? »

« Of course my love, I'm not going anywhere. » I reassure her, holding her tighter.

She napped for an hour and the whole time I couldn't take my eyes off her. She is so beautiful, the love of my life. A tear starts rolling on my cheek as I am having dark thoughts, thoughts of a near future without her.

« Hey, don't cry. » she tells me, waking up.

She sits up and kisses me gently on the lips.

« Baby, we need to have that conversation. »

Immediately, I start sobbing. I have never been the strong one, always crying during sad movies or while watching the news. She has always been my rock and I know what she wants to talk about, I dread it.

« I am so sorry my love. »

« Don't.. »

« Please, let me tell you everything that's in my heart. »

I stare at her intently, not wanting to let her go on, but I nod slightly.

« I am so sorry I'm leaving you alone with our baby. I wish I could have spent my life with you and seen her grow up and become a beautiful woman and that thought keeps me awake at night. I am so angry that this has happend to me, to us... but I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to feel regret. You have given me so much joy and so much love, I feel so grateful I have met you, and spent my last years with you. I love you so much. You are such a great mother and I know you will find the strenght to go on without me. »

I cry uncontrollably and my whole body starts to shake. She holds me tight, as tight as she can.

« I need you to promise me something. »

I stare into her eyes and I see she is fighting her own tears back.

« Promise me you'll find someone to love you. »

« I...I can't promise you that, You're the love of my life.» I manage to stutter.

« Promise me. »

« I don't want anyone else. » I shout, getting angry.

« You have so much to offer, my love. You need someone to love you back. Please promise me you will try, when you are ready. »

I don't answer her. But she presses again.

« Promise me, please. »

« I promise. I'll try. »

She smiles and kisses me softly.

« Spend the night with me. I don't want you to go. »

« Visiting hours are almost over. A nurse will kick me out ? » I ask her.

« I already asked and the nurse agreed. »

She smiles and presses her lips on mine. She deepens the kiss but I stop her, a look of concern on my eyes.

« I want you. Don't make me beg. » She explains.

I don't need more, and I surrender, straddeling her.

I touch and kiss her skin slowly and gently, taking my time, wanting to remember every inch of her body. That night we made love for the last time.

She quickly falls asleep in my arms but I fight back my tiredness, sensing she will leave me any minute. I pay attention to her breathing, wondering if it will be her last. The shutters are open, allowing me to study the face that I love so much. From time to time, I press a soft kiss on the side of her head and stroke her hair. After a long while I hear a long sigh escaping her lips and I know she has gone.

The love of my life has left me and our daughter forever.