Yesterday at work the secretary came into my classroom carrying a magnificient bouquet of flowers. I guessed who it was from and I grinned. My students clapped and cheered but I hushed them quickly.

The simple message on the card made my heart melt...Amelia was thinking about me and she had not ditched me. But after reading the card too many times I started interpreting it differently. She has been thinking about me and us and she wants to stop everything. I don't blame her.

During my break I called her and we had a weird exchange but I was relieved that she wanted to see me. Does it mean she wants to try ?

................

I am very impatient to see her and dreading that moment too, so much so that I want to throw up. Lily is very excited that we're having company and she keeps bouncing everywhere, loudly, getting on my nerve.

If Amelia sees this she'll definitely run away forever. But you can't really stop an over excited kid...so I let her enjoy her moment.

When we hear the knock on the door, Lily rushes to open it and beats me at it.

« Oh hello there. Do you rememer me ?

« Yes, you are maman's friend. »

Amelia nods. She doesn't seem to know if she can hug me or kiss me on the cheek and I hate the tension between us.

« Come play for a while in your room please, the grown ups need to talk. »

Lily starts pouting but she leaves. I know from experience she'll get bored in five minutes and start annoying us so I rush Amelia to the kitchen and we sit at the table.

« Would you like a cup of coffee ? »

« Always. Thank you. »

« Black no sugar ? » From the corner of my eyes I see her smile.

« You noticed. »

I place a cup in front of her and she gladly takes it. She takes it between her hands to warm them up. She is glancing outside my window and I can tell she is lost in her thoughts. I don't want to startle her and I don't break the silence. She comes to when she feels a tug on her sleeve.

As predicted, Lily got bored and decided to join us.

« Amelia, what are you drinking ? »

« Hum, coffee. »

« Would you like me to make you another one ? »

I see Amelia looking questioningly at me before answering « Yeah, sure. I'd love to. »

Apparently that was the answer my daughter has been expecting as she exits the kitchen running.

« So, I have been thinking a lot. » Amelia starts.

But before she can go further, Lily has come back with an empty plastic cup and coffee pot and pretends she is pouring some invisible liquid. She gives Amelia a plastic spoon.

« For you Amelia. » I see Lily waiting and know what she wants Amelia to say. I just hope she'll go with it and that it won't annoy her. I still don't know how she feels about being around kids.

« Thank you Lily. » She pretends she is sipping. Good job.

« You need to stir the spoon in the cup. And to blow on it before drinking. Coffee is hot you know.»

She complies, and Lily exits the kitchen again, quite pleased.

« You are good at make pretend. » I tell her. And she freezes.

I can't help wonder if there is something she is hiding. Maybe it's her feelings for me, what if she hasn't got any and I was just a sex buddy for a while ? No...I cannot be, we haven't had a great deal of sex for me to be considered a sex buddy. So what is she pretending to do or be ?

« I loved having fake picnics with my brother when we were young. » She winks and resumes where she started.

« So as I said, I have been thinking a lot. I am sorry I haven't been in touch for the past days but I needed time alone. »

I nod.

« As I said, you having a daughter was sort of a shock. I need to come clean about something...I don't feel very comfortable in the company of children. I have two nephews but my only interaction with them is when I try to push them away when they try to kiss me goodbye with their sticky mouths. »

Gosh, she must hate Lily. She came here to break up. What was I expecting ?

Amelia clears her thoat, shifting in her seat, and goes on.

« Most importantly, I know I don't want to be pregnant. Ever. »

I feel as her words just slapped me in the face and I fear this discussion is not going the way I hoped it would.

« But... I really like you. I have been my happiest these past weeks and it's all because of the feelings I have for you. I am miserable when I am not around you and I really want to give it a try...Go slow, take baby steps...What do you say ? »

I sigh in relief.

« For someone who hates kids, you needed to use that expression ? » I chuckle. « I'm glad you're willing to try. I really like you too but I want you to promise me you'll tell me if anything feels weird and whenever a situation makes you uncomfortable. Ok ? »

« Fine. »

« It's probably going to be weird for me too you know. »

« How is that ? »

« I have never been with another woman around Lily. And the thought of it....well... I'm a bit scared of her reaction. »

« I won't jump on you, no need to worry. » She smirks and I hit her arm.

Lily comes back with a little basket and some plastic food inside. She places everything on the kitchen table and orders us to eat, which we comply.

« Come on mon coeur, time for your nap. » I tell Lily as I hear her yawn.

I cary her in my arms and tuck her to bed. At four years old she still needs her afternoon naps, especially after a bad night. And she tends to have nightmares.

When I join Amelia in the kitchen, she asks me more about Kelly and she wonders if I would agree to show her a photograph.

We settle on the couch and I give her one of the photo albums. The first photographs are just from the two of us, then of Kelly pregnant, and finally some with Lily as a baby.

« She was very beautiful».

I nod, unable to speak. My throat is so tight I feel like someone is trying to strangle me.

« I'm sorry...I really needed to see those. » Amelia explains. « Lily really looks like her. »

« Yes, it breaks my heart how much she does. They even have the same temper at times. »

She turns a page and sees one of my favourite photographs. It's in black and white, Kelly is sitting at a piano with Lily on her laps.

«She played ? »

« Yes, she had started at Lily's age and she played amazingly. She taught the piano at the Conservatoire when she studied in France. It's the most prestigious school of the country. She played all the time. »

« I don't see a piano here. »

« When she died, I had to move. I couldn't pay the rent of our flat on my own and I moved here. I couldn't keep the piano and gave it back to her parents. When Lily is older I want her to have it. Kelly wanted to teach her how to play. She loves the instrument, always had. It's the only thing that could soothe her as a baby and it still does. »

« You said Kelly's parents have money. They didn't help you with the rent ? »

« I didn't ask. Maybe they would have. Kelly's money went straight to Lily when she died. We were not married so legally I could not inherit and Kelly's parents hired a lawyer to make sure I would not get a dime. The situation is very shitty. My daughter is loaded and I struggle to pay rent. » I laugh at the irony of the situation.

« I'm sorry that you have to go through this. »

« No don't be. I manage. »

Amelia puts the album away and she stares longingly at me. She takes my hand in hers and she places a soft kiss inside my palm. I move closer to her and peck her lips. She nibbles on mine and she deepens the kiss, holding me in her arms.

When I hear tiny footsteps entering the living room, I push Amelia away.

« Finished sleeping already ? » I ask my daughter.

« Oui maman. On peut aller au parc ? » (can we go to the park ? »

« Of course. Amelia, you want to come with ? »

« Hum, no thanks, I think I'll just go. »

I'm a bit disappointed but I didn't expect her to spend the afternoon with us. Too soon probably.

« I'll text you. » She tells me before leaving.

I have the feeling this won't last... It's really just my luck that I fell in love with a woman who hates kids.