Touch, the deepest way to express desire, want, love, interest and the need for someone else. I know that feeling all too well. There's just something remotely satisfying with being held by the person you love. Whether it be a lover, a friend, or a sister. My entire life, that special kind of touch has been very rare for me. I'd never been in love before until him, and it's starting to become harder and harder to accept the fact that I'm only his other woman.

The problem with someone having a lack of love-- is that they don't know what love looks like, so its easier to get tricked.

Sometimes, when I'm with James, I feel that he might actually love me. But then I remembered, I don't really know what a man in love truly looks like.

__________________

"Okay class, see you tomorrow." The professor dismissed us all.

After two very long and tiresome hours of Anatomy lecture the daily sessions were finally over, thankfully. As soon as the professor left the study hall, I quickly closed my books and left immediately. I have approximately three hours of revision time at the library before I go to work at precisely ten o'clock sharp. It's a Friday, and the nightclub will be packed. Which means more tables, more money, and thus, my daily bread and my prime survival.

The list of events that the students of NYU plan for the weekend is almost endless. But as everyone was floating on the sea of getting prepared for late night occasions and neon lights, I was drowning in the thoughts of why I haven't seen James around.

It has been a week since I've seen him. The last time was the day he helped me with my injuries. I hoped he would come around during the week but he never did. For a while I assumed that Merissa told him about her suspicions and he was keeping some distance between us. But that thought vanished eventually. He would've told me about it.

I wanted to text or perhaps give him a call but I concluded that If he wants me then he knows where to find me.

But oh God! How I miss him.

I miss every damn thing about him. Those strong hands exploring every part of me, his addicting scent of pine wood and cinder, the kisses of his warm mouth and how he sleeps soundly next to me on my bed while holding me close to him unconsciously. How I miss him inside me right now..........

Oh my goodness! What am I thinking?

I spank my forehead lightly to rid of those damn thoughts. This is clearly not the time to be in a trance. I shake my head to drag those shameful thoughts out of my mind.

I make way to the second wing and enter the Library, my attempt to spend the next three hours book worming.

I grab myself a sit after finding a comfortable spot.

Before taking my study material out, I decided to check my notifications first, just incase William texted or called while I was in that lecture. He has the bad habit of disrupting me in serious moments to crack a joke.

Going through my phone, apparently, Will hadn't left me any messages but there were several missed calls from James and a shallow three word sentence as a text.

"Check your bag." It read.

I wasn't expecting James to blow my phone today. I stood him up on his Sunday night invite to that party down town on purpose so I assumed he would be upset and then cold shoulder me.

"What did you put in there? A bomb?" I sent the message. Better question, when did he put it?

He replied right away, "Where are you?"

"Library."

"Go somewhere private, I wanna call you."

He obviously doesn't care that I have to study right now. "I need to revise James, we will talk later."

"Give me a minute then you can do whatever you want."

He should say please...

"Okay."

I found a corner by the shelves and answered his call. "This better be important James, I have a test coming up soon."

"Relax Elisabeth." He chuckled over the phone, "Did you carry the bag with you?"

"Yeah." I said. "When did you even sneak something in it anyways?"

"Doesn't matter, just take a look inside the front zipper." He insisted. James sounded as though he was in a good mood. That sorta threw me off. Did Merissa offer a great fuck while I was gone? I thought he'd be angry at me.

"I'm scared now."

James laughed humorously, "C'mon, don't be ridiculous."

He hasn't even brought up the subject of me not showing up. That's not like him at all. "I stood you up the other night and then you get me a gift. That's not confusing at all."

"Actually, I'm kind of pissed."

"Kind of?"

"Yes, not entirely mad at you." He sighed. "Betty... I understand you weren't feeling alright and I couldn't force you to show up in that condition, with bruises on your face. It was preferable that you rest."

"But???" I trailed off.

James continued, "I'm upset because the night was boring without you. I left earlier than planned."

I couldn't help but fluster. "What about Merissa?" I asked him.

"We barely spent time together . I left alone."

"Wasn't she disappointed that you abandoned her?"

"Not quite, We talked about it.." He replied.

I unzipped the front of my bag and inside lay a giftcard......plus a receipt from the coffee shop across the street.

"James, how did you even? Why?" I was surprised, truly. James paid for each potential breakfast I might have at my favorite diner.

I sometimes forget that he loves doing adorable things.

"Enjoy the treat. This way, you won't ever have to miss the most important meal of the day again. I know you love that place and so I got that for you."

I smiled, "James, you really didn't have to. I can pay for a cup of coffee."

"I know that Betty, but, I wanted to do something for you. Its just a gift card to free supply of fresh cinnamon rolls. That was equals nothing because you deserve more."

Do something for me? Deserve more? What? Why? I wanted to ask. He even sounded sweet, probably romantic or something.

"Erm.....Thank you. This is really thoughtful of you." I never thought James would pay attention to little stuff like my favorite coffee place.

"Now get back to studying. I'm dropping by later though, to see you."

"I won't be in campus later." I said. "There's somewhere I have to go James. Its important."

"Where?" He sounded disappointed.

"Work." I told James.

He proceeded to say, "At the barber shop, right. Then we can met up afterward."

I can't tell James about my new job.

"Why don't you make that tomorrow instead? I'll probably be tired when I'm done." I offered.

"Are you avoiding me?" He questioned.

"Of course not. I'm not making excuses." Why would he even assume such a thing? Is this about Sunday night?

"Okay then_ if you say so." James agreed too easily before hunging up the call. Something in the way he said Okay then made me wonder if he was really okay with the change in plans.

I eventually returned to my seat, smiling to myself because of the gift James gave me and wondering if perhaps one day, if I'm lucky, that James would end up with me instead. But I quickly dismissed the thought. Its better not to expect much from an affair in favour of avoiding heartbreak.

The three hours went by quickly , by the time I'm done, the library is almost empty.

Students left early to get themselves ready to watch an important game.

Games at NYU are actually a very big deal. You should see how crowded it gets during serious games. You might think the entire newyork population of college students decided to drop by for a festival.

I left the library by eight o'clock and made my way to the dormrooms. The walk to that section of the NYU campus is long, the pathway was literally empty with may be two or three people.

As I headed to my destination, I began hearing harried footsteps behind me, seeming to be heading towards my direction.

I kept walking but a bit more faster. I know literally no one here except for the people in my study group but they never look for me.

"Betty wait up..."

I stopped walking immediately out of genuine surprise when his voice reached my ears. I sensed from earlier that he wouldn't let it go. I guess he found a way to met me before I left for work. I won't lie, I'm really happy to see him.

I turned around to face James while he jogged towards me with a grin on his face, waving his hand. I didn't notice the smile that was plastered on my own face by the mere sight of him until my cheeks began to slightly hurt.

Upon reaching me, James held my cheeks in between his hands and kissed me. His lips moved eagerly against my own. The feeling of them pressed hard on mine was almost overwhelming because of how much I've craved them.

"You were running away from me , little sunshine." He beamed above my lips.

"I didn't know it was you."

I've missed the sound of our tongues moving against each other. I really like that sound.

"It's freezing out here." His fingers dug into my waist drawing me closer to his body.

I caressed the back of his neck, deepening the kiss. James roamed my mouth and the simple act make me whimper. "I realise you're happy to see me." I told him.

"I'm always happy to see you." He assured and I failed to hide my smile. He kissed me again. "Let's do something." James pulled away and quickly walked me from the road.

The path was empty, but James wouldn't risk anyone seeing us so openly. And I also feared that. Imagine how shameful it would be for me, people finding out that I'm sleeping around with someone's boyfriend. I already have to bare and live with the guilt. If this comes out, I don't know where I'd hide my face.

"James, what do you plan for us to do....?" I pulled at his jacket.

"Ssshhhh.." he hushed.

We walked hand in hand towards a tree that was far from the road. It was a very dark zone where no one could possibly see us. My heart raised with anticipation of how this could go. James positioned himself infront of me so my back hit the tree. He looked at me, green eyes meeting blue.

He pressed his warm body on my own, covering me completely, and I hummed in satisfaction. "Did you miss me?" He whispered above my ear, and a shiver run through me as I nodded.

"Use your mouth." James teased while his lips left wet trails on my neck, causing me to release a whine as my hands clenched on his white t-shirt.

"Y-yes ...I_missed you." My fists clenched tighter in desperation as heat began to radiate from our bodies. "So very much."

His hands roamed my clothed chest with the strength of his risings emotions and I bit my bottom lip to hold back a moan. The thoughts of him doing things to me overshadowed my mind and my lips parted to take in some air.

"It's been too long." He groaned while spreading my thighs, lifting me up and circling my legs around his waist. "I couldn't stop thinking about getting inside of you and making you cry from it."

Those words!

"I thought of you too."

I tagged hard on James' smooth hair when his teeth and tongue sucked on my exposed skin. I could feel the bulge in his pants against me as he pressed himself in between my shaky legs.

We were both panting and moving against each other for some sort of relief due to the arousal.

I connected our swollen lips again.

He immediately dominated the kiss, sucking on me until I became limp under him.

Something about James today is just different from every other times he has been intimate with me. Today he is a bit more demanding almost like he has also been craving me this enter week and wants this so badly. Just the thought of that drives me completely crazy.

But what if someone sees us? We are outside for goodness sake.

Every bruise he left on my neck and lips from his bites was accompanied by harder grinding between us. The friction between our point of contact made my toes curl and overwhelmed with heat.

So good.

This could go way too far and way too quickly and I need to go to work.

"James...." I moaned when he pinched my hardened nipples just above my dress. My eyes began to get clouded.

"James.." I breathed. " Someone could see us.."

I whimpered as he pressed the swollen nubs much harder.

"No one can see us from here." He assured grabbing my thighs. "I'll be quick don't worry."

I tried to steady my breaths as my head fell back.

My collarbone was better exposed to the abuse of his mouth and I moaned a bit louder.

I turned to look at him and I openly saw the lust in his dilated green eyes that looked much darker now.

"I want this too, so badly. But we can't out here James. We'll risk getting exposed. You can come later to my room after Dawn. Lucy will be out by then." I said while giving him an Eskimo kiss. He released me from his hold.

"I'll be there." James slowly placed me back down, his lips still planted on mine.

I couldn't help myself from asking above his lips, "James why are you doing this?"

He stopped kissing me, "Touching you?" James raised a brow. I hang my head low and said, "Not that."

"Then what?" James held my shoulders in a gentle grasp.

"Merissa----She's___" I trailed off. "That woman is gorgeous, some may even say she's perfect but...." I swallowed on a wave of nausea. How do I even compare to her?

He let my shoulders go instantly. I whimpered in despair due to the sudden lack of contact. "What's this about Betty?" James questioned, seemingly unaffected by the matter.

I gazed elsewhere, "Don't you love her anymore? Or did you ever? Its as though this affair doesn't spark any guilt inside of you. As if you're unphased by the fact that you're basically cheating on her with me every other day. What do I have that Merissa doesn't? She is everything any girl would be insecure about, James. This makes no sense at all."

I've dreaded for so long on asking these questions because I had been afraid of what his response would be. My heart was beating extremely fast as I waited for James to say something. Deep down, I was holding back tears in fear that I was about to hear straight from James's mouth that Merissa was the woman he loves. I was sure that I'd probably die inside.

I felt his gaze on me, "Why is this suddenly an issue? You never asked about such things before? We've been hooking up since a month ago Betty. Are you getting cold feet? Don't you want this anymore?"

"Its not about that James? I'm seriously struggling to understand this whole thing. What does this affair even mean to you? And how is it even worth the trouble if Merissa is the one you truly want? Is the intimacy we share more valuable than your relationship?"

I stared at his eyes again, trying to perhaps see behind that cold intense gaze. "Do you love her James?" I honestly sounded like a love sick puppy. But I can't help myself.

"Don't ask questions you don't want answers to Elisabeth." He tried to warn.

"I actually want to know, James. Then I can make sense of where I stand in this."

He crossed his arms. "I thought it was clear where your place is."

Yes it was. But then you do all things for me and I'm just not sure anymore. Perhaps I'm just assuming things, getting my hopes up. And yes, I never wanted to know if James loves this woman, but that's not what I want anymore.

"Remind me." I challenged.

The look in his eyes before he said, "What does love have to do with it?"___Made me self cautious. He said it so casually, as if it's nothing and it means nothing.

"Uh!" I was confused once again.

James repeated. "What does love have to do with it? You keep asking me if I love Merissa."

What sort of question is that?

"Love has everything to do with it James. In relationships, it's why people get into stuff like that."

Right? I'm sure that's the reason. Though I've never been in a serious relationship or any kind of relationship for that matter.

"For love?" He raised his brow.

I replied, "Yes, isn't that the reason you're with her?"

"And who set up that rule? There are plenty of reasons why people get involved Elisabeth and you'd be shocked to find out that love....love is usually not the main."

I feel like we're going round in circles. "And the other main reasons are?"

What can be more important than love?

"Security, convinience, ties, arrangements, image," James spoke as though he was reciting a prayer that he had learned since a child.

"Is that why you're with her?"

"I didn't say that."

"So you love her then?" I challenged.

James held my cheeks in between his palms and looked me straight in the eyes as he silently began to sink my heart to the ground. "Love isn't the center, nor the reason, nor the basis of everything in the world, Elisabeth. It doesn't revolve around people's lives as though it is God. And Merissa is aware of that too. It's never been about love between me and her. I care not about it."

A heaviness formed against my throat.

What does that even mean? That Merissa is what you him? Another fling but with strings attached?

"I hope that answers your questions." James said plainly.

Truth be told, Nothing of what James said had answered my questions. Infact, more and more popped up in my head. So why is he dating Merissa? And he said Merissa knows that he doesn't settle for love, so why did she bother to confront me and even go as far as hitting me?

As I digested his every sentences, I felt beyond sorry for myself, pitying my chooses. I had given my heart to a man who could never, and doesn't ever want to love anybody nor anything.

I had fallen in love with the one that could break my heart.

Love, look what you made me do!

•

The strip club accommodated so many different kinds of people. As they say " Heaven is full of all saints, but the earth is full of all sorts."

It was crowded with men refreshing their day by lusting at the gorgeous ladies dancing nearly naked at the poles and various stages. Younger and older men paying lots of dollars just to get exclusive shows in the VIP area.

My brothers would tell me about places like these but I can see they left out a lot of details. They would've been so shocked to find me working here. They would probably drag me out by my hair.

It's not just pleasure that drives people to come here. As I served tables, I noticed deals going down. Money exchange and other transactions I rather not say. I don't know exactly what kind of deals but I know it's nothing good especially when a gun is placed on the table.