There are few things we should keenly desire if we really knew what we wanted.

After climbing into the hot tub, it wasn't long before Jasper pulled me into him to cuddle.

Now I'm sitting in his lap, arms wrapped around his neck, and relaxing against him.

It definitely helps that while the air is colder than the water, Jasper isn't and doesn't make me shiver even as most of me is held above the water.

He's my boyfriend.

Jasper Red is my boyfriend.

This isn't something I expected, not at all.

Jasper clings to his music and poems like he's desperately using them to not feel alone. In a way, I understand that because everyone wants to know they're not alone but in another way I can't. He could have anyone, he could love anyone given the opportunity, that's just the kind of person he is.

He's so...alive.

But he chose me.

So now I understand how it is to hear a song that makes me understand something I can't explain.

Just -holy fuck.

"Castor?" Jasper calls me, nose brushing against my neck.

Would it be too much to ask for a kiss right now?

He's just really adorable and really hot and my boyfriend.

Clearing my throat to break myself from my thoughts, I say "Yes? and hope he doesn't hear the strain in my voice.

"I know I already said this, but you make me happy," He pauses, hands tightening on my sides. "And you're really cute."

I flush, not expecting that but thankful he can't see my face right now. Bringing my legs higher up to his hips, I hold him tighter to me.

"You make me happy too Jitterbug." Pausing, I contemplate for a second before adding, "As a- -bit hot innit- -forewarning, I should say that I don't...know how to be a good boyfriend. And I..."

How do I say this without making him do the internal freaking out thing he does -or make him feel weird about being my boyfriend, given who his last one was.

"I've never had like, a good boyfriend, but I haven't had a bad one either so if I do something wrong you have to tell me." Is how I lamely decide to say it.

"Oh," Jasper mumbles, giving my skin a small peck before pulling away to face me. "Were all your boyfriends in the middle zone, or when you were um, younger or something?"

I know I don't give off the 'forever single' vibes.

And I know he knows I'm not a virgin.

So I completely understand the confusion.

Which makes me just awkwardly laugh and say, "Nah, you're ahead of me in the game."

Before Keres- -fuck that guy- -I know Jasper had one other boyfriend and a girlfriend, but they were both when he was younger too and it couldn't have been a very serious one even if he wanted it to be.

And none of them were his butterfly.

Thankfully, that's me.

Jasper seems to blank, frowning as he stares down at me with confusion heavy in his pale mint colored eyes -trying to figure out what I mean, or having already figured it out and doubting it.

"Dating someone with a disability usually doesn't interest someone, especially-" I growl. "-if they can't even kiss without a tic getting in the way."

Saying this gently, I try not to show how much this is kinda upsetting to me, in many ways, but I'm sure from the synesthesia alone he knows it does to a certain extent.

"I'm..." The musician pauses, eyes widening. "I'm your first boyfriend?"

Wincing slightly, I say, "I've had...fuck buddies, I guess, but um that never lasted long, which when it came to that, it's kinda what you'd expect. I mean -I know you wouldn't know that. It's the closest I've gotten to having one."

Someone using my body is the closest I've had to someone loving me, or wanting to be with me.

Which is a lot more pathetic now that I've said it out loud.

"I just...growing up, nobody was interested in me? Which is understandable, you know, I can be- -mother ducklings- -a lot for someone. Even without factoring the Tourette's."

My entire life I haven't liked talking, not even out loud to myself- -I rarely even tried- -and I know why I didn't. It was painful, not being able to say what I mean.

It was also painful how I didn't really have anyone outside my family- -which Noelle does count as, as Fly, that idiot, is really my only friend- -but in many ways that's my fault.

I didn't seek out people to be my friend, I didn't actively try to be someone's boyfriend.

But also, I know that I didn't try because when I did, people just left.

Watching someone leaves hurts more than being alone in the first place.

"So, yes." Nodding, I can only watch as Jasper's features change for every new thought he has. "You're my first boyfriend."

Eventually he just cups the back of my neck and gives me a gentle kiss, one I melt into -relieved.

"I want to be your last boyfriend too." He says against my lips, holding me tighter as his thumbs brush over my hips. "Please."

Not wasting breath to respond, I just kiss him harder.

Eventually night time hit, the sun went down, the moon went up and the deck got a little colder but pressed into my boyfriend's side, I stayed warm.

Jasper, displaying the nerdy knowledge it took to guess my name, pointed out all the constellations and stars he knew about, even going off into a tangent about some of the stories or the Greek myths attached to them.

It's fucking adorable.

And honestly a little distracting -half the time, I couldn't look away from him to see which star he was pointing at and most of the time, I can't remember anything he said because he just looked so...beautiful when saying it.

"Castor?" Jasper tilts his head down to me, a soft smile on his lips. "What do you think happens when we die?"

I pause, trying to knock my feelings out of my head to be able to properly speak and it only half works.

"I don't fucking know, I'm probably going to hell." Which is, clearly, not what he expected nor likes that I said. "You might...I don't know, where do you think puppies go when they die? Or do you want to be reincarnated?"

"Excuse me, sir," The musician rolls his eyes, turning to the side to grab me and pull me back into his lap -attempting, and failing, to glare at me. "You are not going to hell."

Shit, must not be gay then.

"Because if you do I'll simply have to follow you and I'm not about that after-life. So we're both gonna go to, like, purgatory and make friends with all the other dweebs and pet puppies and we'll both be ghosties so technically you won't be allergic to anything and can drink as many pomegranate smoothies as you want."

A thought, a quick one, passes through me that maybe then I wouldn't have Tourette's either but I brush it off.

Yeah, I'd rather know I'm going to hell than keep guessing uselessly like that.

I tell him, "You couldn't get into hell even if you wanted to."

And I know I'm right when, in retaliation, he just kisses the tip of my nose and says, "You're severely underestimating my friendship-making skills. I could befriend some high up angels and bust you out. Not that I think you'd be going there anyways, you're too nice for that."

"Too nice." I scoff, wrapping my arms around his next to give him a level look but the giant just grins at me.

"Mhm, very nice, all around God." He nods. "Twelve outta ten, because even your grumpiness is adorable and you're never mean to me."

Rolling my eyes, I press closer to him, the cold air nipping at my back. "Why would I be mean to you? You're my boyfriend."

Which feels really good to say out loud.

"That fact that you're not mean to me is exactly my point, Star."

Him and that stupid, fucking adorable nickname.

"You're gonna be a stubborn puppy about this, aren't you?"

Jasper pouts at me, "I'm not a puppy."

"And I'm not a God."

Even if my name is from one.

"Liar, that's what you are." He sourly replies, pout deepening. "A grumpy liar."

"Fine," Just to make him smile faster, I give in, feeling as his hands tighten on my hips and bring my body closer to his. "Where do you think we go when we die?"

If it's not hell.

The musician hums, pausing to actually think about it. "I think that, when we die, people get the pain they've given to other people."

"All pain?"

That'd be bad for me.

I'm a fighter, hot-head and a hockey player, even I don't have a good estimate of the amount of people I've hurt.

"Not like... not like if you spilled hot coffee on me by accident, but like, if you came up to someone and just decked them for no reason, then you'd get the physical and emotional pain that you gave to them. Good people, great people even, get it too. Kinda like karma, kinda not. Oh! I also think people go wherever they want to go, if it doesn't hurt anyone else's soul. Like my parents, they're going to become ghosts together and scare the shit out of people. Me? I'd like to go to a garden at midnight. Somewhere not too bright, peaceful, but busy enough to give my mind something to do too. You'll be there, too."

I hesitate to answer, not knowing how to say I never considered an afterlife like that, let alone a place someone would want to spend eternity with me.

Hell was fitting, until now.

Call me stupid, but wherever Jasper goes? I want to be there.

"I hope pain isn't transferred like that. I've fought a lot of people, but I'm not worried about me. Like -my brother. He likes to be mean to me, but he doesn't deserve pain." Is it ignorant of me to say that? I don't think so...Atlas is a dick, he's mean, but he's a really good guy too, and a good brother. "And Selene, she- -Christmas lights- -she's had to hurt people, killed people, for her job...she doesn't deserve pain. But yeah, I'd love to be in the after life with you."

Maybe together we could make our personal gay heaven.

God, I feel cheesy just thinking that.

"It's not like that, Star. I don't really know how to explain it," With a sigh, Jasper turns back to the stars. "If you purposely hurt someone, like actually want them to be in pain, then you'll get that pain too. But like with Selene, she's a protector. A soldier. Part of her job is to hurt people so other people don't get hurt. She wouldn't be in pain because of that. Neither would Atlas, even if he kinda makes me upset, but again that's not his fault."

I don't like Atlas making Jasper upset more than I don't like anything he does to me.

Which might be saying a lot.

"So...if I had a bully who liked to hurt me," Clark Micken's face flashes in my mind, making me wince. "Then they'd get that pain too? But if someone kicked someone else's ass to protect or defend a friend or something, they wouldn't?"

"Exactly."

"How much pain do you think you'll get?"

I think...maybe that type of heaven won't be possible for me. I've caused more pain than I'd like to admit.

Being a good person isn't something I've actively practiced.

But being a bad one isn't something I've accepted either.

Maybe there's an in-between place, for people like me.

"Oh, I'm not sure. I don't remember a lot of things I did in sophomore or junior year, but I think I hurt a lot of people without knowing it." Jasper pauses, though I doubt he's ever hurt someone just to hurt them, or because he felt destructive. "I also haven't decided if some of the pain I caused was deserving, either. Then again, who am I to decide?"

"Depends on the situation," I think? "Give me an example."

After all, I know a lot about it, both being in pain and wanting to cause it.

"I'm not the violent type," The musician begins. "But I have gotten into some fights. There's these guys at my old school, brothers. The Creed family is just a bunch of sick fucks, honestly. They liked to see how far they could push me until I reacted, just usual things like shoving me into lockers, smacking me with books or something. One day, they threw a rock through the window of my car."

Can I throw a rock through them?

"Didn't hurt me or anything, but that car is really important to me, my dad too. It's one of the only things he had from his Abuelo. And I got mad, and by the end of it they both had broken noses and a couple more injuries too. I'm not sure they deserved it though. They never hurt me that bad, either, and they didn't know how easy I bruise either."

"I don't think you'll get pain for that," I answer. "You didn't-" I growl, ticing to the side. "-want to hurt them so they'd be in pain. Sounds like self-defense to me."

"I don't think I've ever met someone I've wanted to hurt before."

Wrinkling my nose, I think about the people I have hurt before and say, "We are very different people."

"That's because you're a god," He nuzzles into my cheek, unaware of the amount of times it's been spattered in blood or bruised. "And I'm human."

"If gods are real, there's no way in hell you're only human." I scoff, fingers threading through his hair.

"My papa calls my mama a goddess," Mine does too, but he also calls her a mango freak and a clumsy dumbass so... "He calls my siblings and I godlings."

Ah, we're demon spawns, courtesy of Papa being a 'demon'.

"Though I don't think there's anything extra about me." It's almost funny how wrong he is. "You, on the other hand, have more stardust than other people. I can see it -I could even when we first met."

"Stardust?" Frowning, I raise an eyebrow, heavily questioning if he might be constantly high if he thinks there's something special about me and not him. "Jasper, I'm made out of water, Tourette's, coffee and strawberries. Stardust-" I squeak. "-isn't on the list."

"You didn't even know you were a God," My boyfriend shifts under me, hips rising to hitch me further along his thighs, which I tell you, does not help my imagination. "So how would you know if you were made of stardust or not? By the very definition of the human body, we are all stardust. The hemoglobin in your blood, it has four iron atoms in it's very structure. Iron is only naturally found in the core of dying stars. We're made of water, yes, but we are all stardust, all of us. I think that you just have more stardust than other people."

I...didn't understand half of that.

"Nerd." I snicker out, not really knowing what else to say as I teasingly pat his chest. "Sure, I'm 'stardust' but you're puppy-dust modeled in a six foot five shell."

"Castor," Jasper whines, a hand gently gripping the back of my neck to pull me closer to him, so close I can feel his breath hit my face and it makes me really want a kiss. "I'm not a puppy."

"Yes," I say, more than amused. "You are."

"Fight me."

Instantly I smirk, hand snapping up to his jaw as I lean closer, causing our noses to brush as I tell him, "Probably shouldn't have said that."

Giving him enough time to be able to pull away, I wait a moment before I make sure he doesn't want to take it before kissing him, hard.

He holds me closer to him, one hand running up my side as I press into him, enjoying the feeling of his warm body under mine as the water moves around us.

Jasper makes the first move and gently licks across my bottom lip but I stubbornly deny him, slowing the kiss down even more just to frustrate him.

Then, when he's accepted it, I growl against him and pick the pace back up, causing him to gasp into my mouth.

"Castor."

His groan makes me smirk against him, pausing for a brief moment before slowing down again, almost painfully slow, as his hands hold me closer to him until there's not a sliver of space between us.

Then, almost like he's retaliating, he nips on my bottom lip, making me gasp a surprised, "Jazz!" before he's taking over the kiss.

Not letting that slide, I tug on his hair just enough to distract him before dominating the kiss again, hand coming back up to his jaw.

We're both breathless when he pulls away, humming with lidded eyes as he licks across his lips, nose nudging mine for an extra peck.

"If I say that again," Jasper grins. "Will you kiss me more?"

"Dork." I call him, hand pushing on his chest to send him sitting back down in the hot tub before taking his face in hands and kissing him more.

I couldn't get sick of this.