A/N: Oh hey, just checking in, I'm still using writing mediocre stories on wattpad to vent my personal problems, how's your tuesday going? What's your favorite book? I'm super into anything by Laurie Halse Anderson. Anyways, you should most definitely listen to the song in the header, The darker the weather // The better the man, it's good, I love missio, it's sort of about glorification of mental illness in the creative industry and it makes me feel related to. Anyways, even if my music isn't your cup of tea, I hope you like chapter 2.

There was once a man who said: "If I had to define major depression in one sentence, I would say it's a biochemical disorder with a genetic component, and early experience influences, where somebody can't appreciate sunsets." That's what Logan thought about as he sat on his front steps in the early morning, watching the sunrise, a vague feeling that he should be more grateful tugging at his chest. Anhedonia: The inability to feel pleasure. He wondered if he would someday be as happy as he looked to everyone else, he wondered if he would even be the normal amount of happy. He felt his cat brush up against his leg. He smoothed his hand over her back as she purred and meowed.

"Why is it so hard for me to feel something so basic?" He asked more to himself, but she jumped up into his lap and rubbed her head against his chest. He smiled briefly, then letting out a small sigh and gently picking her up, set her down beside him so he could get ready for school. He thought about just going back to bed, closing his eyes and shutting everyone out, but he couldn't do that, not really.

When the red-headed boy adjusted his black glasses and looked in the mirror, he stared for a long time, it was almost weird to see himself, like staring your enemy in the eye. Logan was aware that he didn't like himself, but it was less hatred, and more disdain at this point, or apathy like he just annoyed himself and didn't want to be around him. He wondered if that's how everyone secretly felt about him. He wouldn't blame them anyways.

"Logan, are you ready? the bus will be here soon." He heard his dad call and he tugged his brown sweater down over his jeans a little, pulling on the sleeves to make sure they covered his hands and arms before he walked out.

"Yeah, dad, I'm coming." He called back, grabbing his backpack and running down the stairs, a smile present on his face.

"You look nice; have you had breakfast?"

"Yeah, I had some cereal earlier." Liar.

"And you've got lunch money?"

"Yeah, I think I'm gonna get a salad and an apple today." Liar. His dad smiled and nodded, seeming pleased with this answer. His dads knew his eating habits were irregular at best, especially his dad, Matthew, who was home more. It didn't take a genius to figure out that logan was underweight, but neither of his parents brought it up. It was boiled down to a helpless situation.

"You took your meds?"

"Yup." liarliar.

"Alright, love you." He kissed Logan's forehead and the boy smiled, pushing him away lightly.

"Alright, I love you, dad, I'm gonna head out." His dad nodded, starting off into the kitchen, presumably to get to the dishes before work.

"Have a good day!" Logan didn't say anything to that, he just closed the door behind him. He gave a small sigh once he was outside, his stomach clenched with guilt. Liar.

The classroom lost it's early morning quiet as students poured in, taking their seats and talking before the lesson. Logan sat, sketching out something that was yet to be revealed to him, he didn't know what he was in the mood to draw, so he just started doodling and hoped for the best. He flipped the page with a frown and let his hand rest on his head, placing his pencil down. He knew this was a bad sign, his favorite hobby was losing its value to him, his only life plan was turning to gray like everything else before his eyes. He pulled his fingers through his hair and looked around at his classmates, he didn't want to think about it anymore.

Oliver was sitting next to Jace as always. He looked different now from when they were kids, taller, for one, but he'd gained a lot of muscle and there was something else, like a coldness to him that couldn't be explained, he seemed angrier. Oliver didn't used to fight anyone, he never wanted to be violent, but now Logan heard about him getting into fights every other week, sometimes days apart, he always won. Maybe that was part of the reason everyone feared him, Logan thought sometimes maybe he should fear him too, but he didn't see Oliver as a monster, he saw him as anything else, he'd seen the damage, and the bruises when they were little, the cigarette burns. They never went over to Oliver's house, but sometimes he'd hear yelling through the cracked windows. He wasn't even surprised he grew to be something like his father. Maybe it happened after they broke away from eachother, or maybe it was there all along, buried. Something burned inside him, not hatred but..hurt. It always came around like this, remembering that he was never good enough for Oliver, he never would be, and now his ex-best friend was best friends with the guy who made him feel like shit on a daily basis and that's just how things panned out because nothing ever went exactly right for Logan, or at least that's how it felt. It's not like he didn't know he had a big house, two rich dads that cared about his wellbeing, and amazing friends, but he just couldn't seem to shake the darkness that loomed over him. He couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't even keep his skin clean of cuts more than a few days, he wished he didn't feel bad for himself, he'd done this, all of it, but he couldn't stop.

The red-headed boy let his eyes drift to his sketchbook, trying to remember a time when everything was perfect. His mother's face came to mind, her red hair and freckled skin, her smile, green-gray eyes and her laugh, he remembered her voice, everything about her was beautiful. Stupid fucking bitch die you whore. He didn't realize that his thumbnail was digging into a cut on his wrist until the pain shot up his arm like lightning. He pulled down his sleeve, shaking his head lightly, taking a breath. you don't need pain, just stop holding onto it, Logan, just fucking stop it.

"Alright everyone, let's get started with attendance, we have a lot to get done, so let's not dawdle." Mrs. Johnson said, looking through her list of names. She talked a lot about some guy who'd done something pretty important but Logan didn't really catch much of it.

The lunchroom was busy, loud, overcrowded as always. Logan walked over to his table with his tray and sat next to Ivy.

"No Sy today?" He asked and Ty looked up and then shook his head.

"He's got a psychiatrist appointment." Ty said and Logan nodded.

"When did he start his appointments up again?" Ivy asked.

"A few weeks ago. My parents are trying to get his meds switched, the side affects were less than desirable." He said and Logan wondered what that meant but didn't want to ask.

"That sucks." Ivy said, probably thinking the same as him.

"Oh hey, Ty, do you have the notes for Mr. Robins' test?" Logan asked, changing the subject. He was good at that.

"Oh, yeah, I've got them, hold on." He said, digging through his backpack.

"Are you just starting to study for it now?" Ivy asked and Logan gave a sheepish smile.

"Maybe." He said guiltily with a smile and took the notes.

"You should do fine, I take good notes and his tests are easy." Ty said.

"Says you, you're like, a genius or something." Ivy said and Ty rolled his eyes.

"Haven't you gotten an A on every test since like, kindergarten?" Logan asked with a little smile and Ty shrugged.

"I've gotten a few A minuses, but my parents are pretty strict, it's not like you see Sy getting anything less than A's either." He said.

"Yes, but Sy's not in the robotics club and the science club, you're like, the definition of child genius." Logan pointed out.

"I just like science, that doesn't mean I'm some genius."

"Why are you acting like being smart is a bad thing?" Ivy asked, smiling.

"It isn't, I'm just not a nerd or anything." Ivy rolled her eyes at that before glancing at Logan's salad.

"Hey, are you going to finish that?" She asked and Logan shrugged.

"I'm not all that hungry." He said, running his fingers over his collar bone and looking down at his salad that was untouched.

"Dude, I haven't seen you actually finish your lunch in months." Ty said

"I'm just not hungry." He repeated.

"You never are." Ty said, looking at him like he knew. Logan could feel panick bubbling up in his stomach, what if he did? Would ty tell his dads? He's going to snitch, I'm going to be sent away to some stupid hospital, they're never going to trust me again, nobody's going to like me when I start eating again, I'll be fat. You're already fat, you fucking pig. He looked up and ran his fingers over his collar bone again before tugging his sleeve over his hand.

"I don't know, I think it's just my meds, the doctor said it'd change my appetite." They did, they made him hungrier, so he stopped taking them.

"I still think you should eat something.." Ivy said, and Logan swallowed thickly.

"I'm really just not hungry, I swear, I'll eat when I get home." He said, his hands shaking under the table.

"Come on, just take like, one bite." Ivy said, sliding her apple to him. He ate few bites of it. around 30?

"Happy?" He asked, giving her a little smile and she seemed to ease up.

"Okay, but you need to start eating more, you're so skinny." He could feel the apple (90) sliding down his throat, dropping into his stomach. he knew if he didn't finish it she'd be upset.

The bell rang and lunch was over. Everyone shuffled out of the lunchroom like sheep in a herd all rushing to get out the door. After that, classes seemed longer; He wasn't as hungry as usual and at the same time, he craved so much more, he couldn't stop thinking about it, that fucking apple, it'd thrown everything off. He was hardly able to concentrate and was silently irritable by the end of the day when he headed towards his locker. He got his things and walked out, though he was out a bit early, so he waited for his bus behind the building, pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and glancing around for a moment. None of his friends knew he smoked, it wasn't a big deal, but he didn't want them to know. He had barely just lit it when he heard heavy footsteps.

"You're gonna ruin your lungs, bitch boy." His stomach twisted in fear, but he took a breath in, though a bit shaky, he couldn't let Jace know he was getting to him.

"Can you just take a day off, Jace?" Logan asked, annoyed.

"What?" The taller boy asked, looking at him with a glare, clearly pissed. The tiger never likes a mouse that fights back.

"You're an asshole 24/7, would it kill you to fuck off for once?" He asked with a sigh, looking at Jace blandly. The next thing he knew, he was on the ground, his head landing hard on the asphalt.

"You little fuck up, I'll beat your ass." He growled, kicking Logan hard in the ribs, making the smaller boy yelp. Jace kicked his side, then his leg, then his rib once more. Everything hurt, he was sore and could feel bruises forming all over his body, he wanted to cry, actually, he was pretty sure he was crying, but he wasn't fully aware of it at the moment, the pain overtaking him as his thoughts droned on like a broken record. stupid fucking die bitch slut. hate you. dieyoufuckingbitchfuckyouretchedwhore.

He felt something hit him in the face hard. Suddenly everything went black and he couldn't remember much after that until he woke back up.