15: I Know How It Feels

Jocelyn and Edra stood at a small bar-height table with their drinks, scanning the room and the crowd. Most of the floor was dominated by table games. Small tables were at the edges of the room and servers moved effortlessly through the space with small bites and drinks.

Jocelyn nudged Edra's arm as she watched Cora approached. Graceful, wearing a classic black film noir cocktail dress, it was form-fitting but classy-sexy.

"Wow, Edra! You look incredible!" Edra radiated joy at the compliment.

"Yeah, it's sickening." Jocelyn smirked.

"Jocelyn, you're looking stunning as well. . Good choice. Too bad scrubs are a dress code for you two."

Edra laughed. "I love these shoes, but I don't think I could make it 12 hours in them!"

"We haven't seen Erin yet, but she's going to have a hard time concentrating on anything other than you. You've got to stop looking so effortlessly gorgeous. Cora it's pissing me off." "Speaking of shoes," Cora smiled with anticipation,"Zola has invited us out to their industrial space to see the 'magic.'"

"Oh. My. God." Edra's eyes flooded with delight. "When?!"

Cora chuckled. "Whenever. She has the keys. Just check your schedules and let me know on Monday."

"I don't know, Edra, I might be on 'Team Zola' now. How can Erin compete?"

"Joce, it's a competition. Speaking of Erin, she mentioned something last week. She thought you two might shed some light." Edra and Joce shared a confused look. "Well, she basically told me that you two are my best friends because you're happily married or almost married. That no single woman could ever be interested in being just friends with me. She called me '.'"

Jocelyn nodded in understanding. "Ooohhhh. Yeah. Well, she's right." Cora's eyes widened at the blunt response.

"Joce!" Edra gasped. "Cora, it's just that you have a way about you. And it's wonderful and good, and it's also very attractive, especially to women."

"And you are oblivious to it. So it's both and ."

"Joce!"

"What?! It's true, Edra! Look, Cora, there is not a woman at the hospital who hasn't considered what it would be like to have sex with you. Including us." Cora's eyes widened and jaw visibly slacked. "You're beautiful, you've got that mystic Buddhist thing working, you're genuine, and Erin was walking around with her head in the clouds when you were dating. So I would imagine that a single woman would have a hard time being just friends with you."

Edra laughed lightly. "Cora, it's not that every woman wants to have a relationship with you. It's the sex thing. It's a little intimidating. I think that after Erin couldn't tie you down, you became a bit of Seton folklore."

"Yeah. Erin is pretty hot in her own way too. Beautiful, athletic, confident, baby-lover." Jocelyn's frankness was again overwhelming,"Everybody thought you two were the resident power-couple. A perfect match. When she failed, who else would have a shot?"

Cora's mind was reeling. She tried to recapture the three months that she and Erin dated, tried to replay interactions she had with other single women at the hospital both gay and straight. "But, I don't to be 'that girl.'"

Jocelyn laughed. "And why you 'that girl.' Also, that ship has sailed, Cora."

"And that's how Erin is going to keep up." Edra nodded over Cora's shoulder.

She turned to see Erin moving toward them. Cora blinked, trying to focus. Erin was wearing a sea blue sleeveless cocktail dress that set off her eyes. Her hair framed her face and her natural highlights were the envy of every woman at the table.

"Hello, ladies!" Erin raised an eyebrow as she approached, knowing full well that she was likely the topic of conversation. "You three look like the Seton Medical Mafia." Erin stepped up smoothly to Cora and kissed her on the cheek. "You look beautiful."

"Thank you. You weren't lying. Your dress is quite impressive." Erin smiled at the compliment. "Are you ready to lose money for a good cause?"

"Absolutely." Erin reached up and took Cora's hand, leading her toward the games.

Edra watched the two women retreat and she leaned over,"What do you think?"

"I have no idea. I think Cora is in a twist over Zola and she doesn't even realize it. I think she and Erin make sense. Has she ever mentioned anyone that was long-term to you? Do you think she's a tease?"

"She hasn't mentioned anyone to me. And she'd intentionally hurt someone in that way. But, I can see how she fits into the heartbreaker category." Edra grinned evilly at Joce. "So you've thought about sex with Cora?"

"Of course I have! And you have too, don't even try to deny it!" ----

Erin and Cora spent the night losing all their charity dollars in good fun. If given the opportunity, Erin spoke softly into Cora's ear or grazed her arms and hands. Each gesture elicited familiar memories and warmth on Cora's skin. Cora found herself feeling both loved and conflicted. She had never found herself in this situation before, two people occupying her thoughts simultaneously.

"Hey, are you okay? You seem less yourself. Distracted." Erin could see Cora's eyes flooded with thought and consideration. "Why don't we take a break?" Erin slipped her hand gently around Cora's and led her outside the main room to a covered balcony. The cool air felt good after the congestion of the Casino room. The two stood side-by-side, looking out over the city.

"Wow, good idea." Cora smiled crookedly at Erin. "I'm glad we did this, Erin."

"Cora," Erin closed some distance and Cora felt heat rolling off Erin's skin. "I know you're unsure. But I don't feel that way. I feel like you and I are right for each other."

Erin moved confidently to Cora's lips. She placed her hand on Cora's neck and jawline, pulling her in. She kissed her with a passion and familiarity that dizzied Cora.

Cora felt helpless in the moment, lost to Erin's emotional need. Erin released Cora, letting their cheeks touch as she murmured into Cora's ear,"Cora, please. Can't we please try again? Doesn't this feel right?"

Erin could hear Cora's breathing halt with hesitation. "Cora, what are you afraid of? Why don't you feel the same way?"

Cora could hear pain in Erin's voice and her heart ached. "Erin, I have loved you. I do love you. The . We're just so at it."

Erin stepped back so she could see Cora and meet her eyes. "Cora, we are together. We make perfect sense. Everyone can see it but you. Don't you want to that?"

"Erin, we don't have to make perfect sense to everyone else. We have to make perfect sense for "

"Cora, you are amazing. you are my priority. The fact that the entire hospital would spin with jealousy seeing us together. That's just a bonus."

Cora smiled softly and there was sadness in her voice. "Erin, . I don't want other people to be jealous of me. I don't want other people to think I'm something I'm not. I don't want to be It's a good thing."

Erin winced, feeling her moment slipping away. "Cora, that's what I'm saying."

"It's okay. I think you're a wonderful person. I want you to be happy so much my heart aches. But I don't think it can be with me. I don't think I'm your answer. Things are complicated. Zola is important to me."

"So it's her. Zola."

Cora didn't want to tell Erin that she felt that Erin would always be too concerned with other's opinions about them. She considered the irony. A woman who saves babies' lives too preoccupied with what people thought about her. Zola existed in a world filled with preoccupation with what people thought of them and yet her focus was only Cora's comfort and happiness.

"Yes, Zola's a part of it, but it's me. I know this for myself. And come spring, things may be changing for me."

Erin's brow furrowed in both disappointment and curiosity. "What do you mean? I don't understand."

"I've applied to some programs in other parts of the country. Sloan Kettering, New York. Duke Medical, Durham. Reagan, Los Angeles."

Cora sighed. "I need a change. I'm thinking about getting my Ph.D."

Erin's eyes widened in understanding and her pain was breaking through in her words. ". You don't need a change. This is who you You think it's about immersion and your Buddhist 'moment.' But that's just another way to say ''"

Cora was surprised by the anger in Erin's voice. "Erin, I'm not 'short-term.' I'm just ..."

"You just can't commit." Erin sighed in defeat. "I don't know what I was thinking. What are you going to do when Zola asks you to settle down? What are you going to do when she tells you she loves you?"

"Erin, we're not there."

" not there. It's only a matter of time for her, for anyone involved with you. Does she know you might be leaving? You're so immersed in your moment, have you considered how she's going to handle you moving away?."

Cora winced at the sharpness of Erin's voice. ". I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you."

"" Erin saw pain and tears in Cora's eyes, spoiling their thoughtful beauty. ". I'm sorry, Cora. You were right. This was "

Erin stepped to Cora and wrapped her arms around her. She held her until she felt Cora's body give and relax. "I'm sorry. I'll be okay."

Cora felt a sob building. "Erin, I'm so sorry that I hurt you."

"Now we both know. I'm sorry we don't fit, I'm sorry I couldn't see that." Erin kissed Cora's head. "I'll miss the time we won't be able to spend together. But, please, please don't run the other way when you see me at the hospital."

Cora's voice was strained with sorrow and regret. "I won't, Erin. I won't leave you like that again. I promise."

Erin sighed. "Cora, if you find that you love this woman, Zola. Not just the moments you spend with her. You have to ." Erin pulled away and kissed Cora lightly on the forehead. "I'll see you soon." Erin walked away, leaving Cora crying quietly and staring out at the city deep in contemplation.