16: I Want To Share

Zola tried to concentrate on the 58 pages of data, explanation, and conclusion. Thankfully, the paper was broken up into sections clearly. The raw data collection and statistical algorithms were completely beyond Zola's mental capacity, but the explanation was manageable and the conclusions were easier read.

Zola sighed and checked the clock, again. 1:00AM. She knew that she could have been reading any number of her social media feeds, or checking up on the company Instagram but she would be just as distracted. She felt miserable. Her loneliness seemed magnified, her body ached at the thought of someone else holding Cora. She knew she was in for a long, sleepless night.

----

Cora lay in her bed, staring up at the ceiling, wondering how she had become so self-absorbed. How she had missed the signs and signals that everyone else around her seemed to see so clearly. She found herself in the throws of internal debate, questioning everything about herself. She thought she had everything figured out, she thought life was clear and uncomplicated. Now she knew she was wrong.

She rolled over and checked the clock, again. 1:00AM. The voices of Edra, Joce, Erin, and Zola all competed for her headspace. But of those voices, there was only one she really wanted to hear. "Zola." Cora murmured out loud to herself. "I miss you tonight."

Cora reached for her phone but then had unsettling thoughts, "Could you love her? Is she temporary? Because if you can't, this might hurt her." Cora wanted to scream into her pillow. She slowly began to realize her struggle.

She wanted Zola. She thought she could love her, but she was afraid she might not be capable of commitment. She hadn't been able to commit to anyone, ever. She was considering a career change. Erin was right.

"!" The unfamiliar language felt like marbles in her mouth. Cora winced. "" Cora wondered if she could have committed to Erin, knowing that they didn't always see things eye-to-eye. "Maybe, I could have at least tried. Who doesn't disagree with their loved ones sometimes? But, I . And now that bridge has been crossed."

Cora sighed with epiphany and frustration continuing to torture herself. "I'm a horrible Buddhist. I am a horrible Buddhist, because true compassion and kindness is infinite and always. It doesn't exist in a singular moment or in a series of cherry-picked moments. ."

Cora's mind spun as she worked through her internal debate. Her thoughts circled back around. "Why?! Why am I like this?" She could not come to an answer. She looked down at the phone in her hands. She felt weak and selfish, but she could not stop herself.

"zola i thought of you tonight"

"sleep well talk soon"

Zola stared at the text. At first, she thought she was dreaming it. Her heart raced, she checked the clock. 1:43AM.

Cora sighed with relief at the response. She recognized 'good night' and a form of the word for 'dream.' "I'm getting good at Italian," she thought to herself.

Cora called and waited only a split second before she heard Zola's voice whisper over the line.

She grinned at the role reversal. "Are you okay?"

Cora whispered too. The early morning seemed to request the quiet conversation. "Zola, I'm fine, I didn't wake you?"

"No, , I've been reading." Cora could hear the smile in Zola's voice. "Are you just now getting home? You party animal."

"No. I've been home. I couldn't sleep."

"Oh, I sorry, I'm glad you called me." Zola's voice softened, something was "off." "You sound sad."

"No, I'm tired, a little confused. My mind won't release me." Cora sighed in both exhaustion and resignation. "I'm sorry, I know it's late."

"Don't be sorry, (sweetie). I'm glad you called." Zola felt a strain in her chest as she imagined Cora distraught. It was so unlike her. "Would you like me to come over?"

"Zola ..." Cora wanted desperately to say yes, but she knew she was not in the right mind. "I wish I could say yes."

"Okay, , I understand, I'll stay with you here. Would you like me to tell you a bedtime story? Would you like me to tell you about Rimini?"

Cora chuckled with relief and joy. "Yes, please."

"Rimini is a beautiful beach town on the eastern shores of Italy. It's known for its stunning beach resorts but just outside of Rimini the towns are known for shoes. My grandfather Alberto and Papa grew up in near Rimini."

Zola could hear Cora's soft steady breathing. She was beginning to surrender to sleep.

"My family spends time in Rimini every year after Fashion season and then again in the summer. But I love winter in Rimini because it is quiet and peaceful. There is something so wonderful about walking along the beach that time of year."

"In the summer, it is gorgeous as well. The wind is warm and the beaches are alive with children. They run and play in a perfect expression of , joy."

"It sounds wonderful." Cora's voice was barely a whisper, peace not far off now.

"I love it there. I want to share its beauty with you."

"Someday Zola."

"Good night."

"Good night Zola. Thank you."

----

Cora slept well after her phone call with Zola. She didn't begin to stir until nearly 12:00 PM. She could tell she was suffering from cumulative exhaustion, both physical and emotional. She opened her phone to find two texts.

"cora! what happened last nite?!"

Cora put down her phone and focused on her small apartment spending the rest of the afternoon in deep thought and cleaning her place top to bottom.

----

"What the , Cora! No offense."

"I'm sorry, Joce, I just needed a day to myself to reset. I ignored everyone, not just you."

"Okay. Fine." Edra sighed with exasperation. "I've got 10 minutes, so spill it."

"Erin and I aren't going to work. She didn't do anything wrong. I'm just not there. Erin pointed out that I have a little commitment issue." Cora grimaced. "I don't think she's wrong. I'm the reason why we didn't work out the first time too. I hurt her, unnecessarily."

"Jesus, that sucks. No offense."

"How did I get here? Why do I feel so guilty?"

Edra reached across the table and covered Cora's hand, comforting her. "Cora, you're a good person. None of us are." She paused. "What about Zola? How do you feel about her?"

"I called her Saturday night after I got home." Edra and Jocelyn exchanged a glance. "Don't know why. I just needed to hear her voice. It was selfish. I'm not sure where we stand and I don't want to mislead her or hurt her like I did Erin."

"Jesus Cora,

"Joce!"

"What?! .

"What?! What?! Joce?!" Cora wanted to hear why Joce thought she was delusional.

"Cora !" Cora stared waiting for an explanation.

"?! Why do I always have to be the one to point out the ." Jocelyn rolled her eyes.

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Yes."

"No."

"Okay, I see your point."

"No, Joce. I get it. I'm ..."

"Okay Joce, she gets it." Edra could see Cora's head spinning. "Cora, I have to go. Shoes this week?"

"Oh, yes of course. When?"

"We're good for Wednesday morning."

"Okay, I'll let her know. She's sending Matthew here to pick us up."

Jocelyn got a parting shot in, "