"You put your arms around me, and I believe that it's easier for you to let me go, you put your arms around me and I'm home. How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around. I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown. I hope that you see right through my walls, I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling, I'll never let our love get so close, you put your arms around me and I'm home. The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved. I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone. You put your arms around me. And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go..."

~Christina Perri

Michael couldn't help but close his eyes as Luke massaged shampoo into his hair. But the blonde teased him anyways.

"Mikey if you're not careful you're going to start purring," Luke commented with a smirk.

Michael opened his eyes and glared at the blonde for a few seconds before growing bored of being mad and inching closer to him.

"Rinse," Luke told him.

He and Michael switched spots and Luke helped him wash the shampoo out of his hair as Michael helped condition his blonde hair. They switched again and Luke conditioned Michael's hair as Michael rinsed Luke's.

Eventually they finished and Luke shut off the water helping Michael out. Luke helped Michael dry off so the boy's stitches wouldn't rip and the dried himself. Michael watched Luke get dressed and the blonde was blushing when he turned to see Michael watching him in his boxers and black skinny jeans. Michael sheepishly held up the black sweatshirt and blushed himself as Luke helped him into it. Michael pulled on white cotton socks and then led Luke out of the bathroom clinging to his hand like he would never let it go and Michael wasn't all too sure that he ever would.

"Are the pancakes ready?" Luke asked his eyes lightning at the sight of a flour free kitchen.

Michael watched him in awe. How could something so perfect and so beautiful truly love him?

"Yeah hang on," Calum said stuffing a forkful into his mouth before passing Michael and Luke some.

Luke instantly drowned his in the syrup and began devouring his as Michael watched him in amusement for a few seconds before pouring an even amount on his two and eating them slowly. Towards the end of his first pancake each bite was becoming difficult to swallow, but Michael finished it. He stared down the second one for a second before he cut off a bite and forced himself to chew it.

Ashton and Calum were chatting and laughing about something while Luke stuffed himself, but Michael was beginning to feel sick. He had been doing well, or at least he had been faking it well, but today was clearly going to be a day where everything was ten times harder than normal.

When he felt Luke's hand on his leg he glanced at the blonde and managed a few more bites with Luke's encouragement. Soon enough He had finished the last of the pancake and he was helping wash the dishes.

It was rather quiet and Michael knew something was up. He shot Luke a look and the blonde gave him the same look.

"Alright, what's up with you two?" Luke sighed asking the question both he and Michael had been wondering.

Ashton's eyes widened and Calum dropped the plate back into the sink. "Um, w-what are you talking about?" Ashton stuttered."

Michael raised an eyebrow. "Give it up, Ash. We know you two are hiding something,"

Ashton shifted uncomfortably and Calum bit down hard on his lip.

"Who topped?" Calum burst.

"What?" Luke asked.

"Last night? Which one of you topped? We were just wondering since Luke is such a bottom, but like Michael we're not really sure,"

Ashton slapped Calum's shoulder and Michael blushed along with Luke.

"Well, now that big-mouth over here spilt the beans...who did top?" Ashton prodded.

"Um," Michael didn't really want to answer, but he didn't want to lie to them anymore.

"It wasn't Luke was it?" Calum asked.

"This is really building my self-esteem guys," Luke told them, but they brushed him off.

"Are you saying you did top?" Ashton asked.

"Oh, for f*ck's sake, Michael did!" Luke nearly shouted.

This time Michael slapped Luke's shoulder.

Michael was burning bright red along with Luke as Calum and Ashton laughed. "They're going to tease us about this forever," Michael concluded, knowing deep down that his forever would be ending really soon.

"Yeah probably,"

"You totally are a bottom though," Michael told him.

Luke flushed deeper, "I could top if I wanted to," he muttered.

"I'm sure you could, princess," Michael agreed kissing the Luke's cheek.

"You two...kill me!" Ashton gasped still laughing.

"You're both so red still!" Calum explained.

"This is still my house and I will throw you both out if you don't stop laughing," Luke warned.

Ashton and Calum sobered up quickly after this threat from Luke and they stood for a moment in silence.

Somehow they all ended up on the couch watching movies with Calum or Ashton throwing out the occasional comment about Michael and Luke and who topped and who bottomed.

Luke groaned when Calum paused the movie for the fourth time and Michael kissed his temple.

"Seriously, Cal. How many times are you going to piss?" Ashton asked him.

Calum flushed. "I want to go to the park," he defended.

Michael was already nodding. Luke chuckled and agreed.

"Well, you three can go, but I'm going to finish the movie," Ashton told them.

"C'mon!" Calum whined. "It won't be any fun without you,"

"Please!" Luke exclaimed.

It took five minutes of begging before Ashton finally agreed and they were walking down the street to the park Calum was leading them to.

"I'm starting to think this a rouse to kill us all," Ashton muttered as they turned left again.

"Cal! Where are we?" Luke asked.

Michael however, didn't complain. We liked walking and he was with people he cared about and that cared about him. He was making memories to replenish for the years he had gone without any good ones worth keeping.

"We're almost there I promise," Calum told them.

Ashton and Luke groaned, but Michael couldn't wipe the smile off his face if he tried. What hurt him though was that he only had a limited amount of time before he had to cut things off with them. He had to remind himself that it was best for them and that it would save them so much pain, and he knew himself how emotional pain was over a million times worse than physical pain and he didn't want to cause them that sort of pain. The type that only time can heal.

"Here we are," Calum said.

Michael's smile widened because it was incredible. It wasn't anything special or unique, in fact it was an old run down park that had been there for years. The swings were rusted and creaked when they moved. The slide was a faded red and the monkey bars a rusted mustard yellow.

Luke and Calum raced over to the slide and Luke's leg's won the race for him. Michael watched them with a smile and Ashton stood by his side.

"Can I talk to you?" Ashton asked quietly.

Michael turned to him and his smile fell off his face. Ashton's expression was somber, but Michael found himself agreeing and Ashton led him to a bench and sat. Michael sat beside him unsure of what was about to go do.

"So, what's on your mind?" Michael asked quietly.

"The other day, when you and Luke were in the hallway after Cal and I left. Did you, did you mean what you said? About wanting to die? And about everyone always leaving?"

Michael struggled to breathe. He did not want to be talking about this. Not now, not ever and not with Ashton. He nodded none the less. Maybe he could drive the boy away.

"I don't, I don't understand why you would want that, Mike. What makes a person want to die? What could possibly make them feel like they don't deserve to live?"

"Ashton, I can't. I can't give you an honest answer," Michael said. Even those words caused him pain. He didn't want to be thinking about this because he knew that he might slip up and then Ashton would tell the others and they would stop him and Michael didn't want to be stopped he wanted to die desperately because it was the only way. But Luke wouldn't let him go. And he didn't need to worry about Ashton and Calum getting in the way as well.

"Why not?"

"Because it's not something you can put into words Ashton,"

"Michael you know more words than anyone I know,"

"So then maybe it'll help if I tell you that there isn't even a word for it, Ash. There is no way to answer your question because nothing can describe it accurately,"

"Michael, I don't want you to feel like that. Calum doesn't want you to feel like that. Liz doesn't want you to feel like that. And Luke definitely doesn't want you to feel like that. So why?"

Michael's head was hung low. He couldn't give an answer, because he didn't want to tell him. He didn't want to admit that it isn't always something that comes from others. He doesn't want to admit that it definitely started through others, but at a certain point you become your worst enemy. He doesn't want to admit that sure other people make him hate himself, but he's endured their suffering so long that he believes it. Even if they all started being nice to him, Michael knew it would be too late. He would still hate himself because by now most of it stems from himself.

"Michael?"

"I can't give you an answer, Ash. Especially not the one you're looking for,"

Ashton nodded and wrapped an arm around Michael giving him a short one armed hug. "Well, we're all here for you," Ashton reminded him.

Michael nodded and got up heading over to sit next to Luke on the swings. He tried to shake the feeling that Ashton knew what he was planning tried to pretend that he was even more than okay, but in truth Michael couldn't give you the definition of okay anymore, because he hadn't truly been okay in so long. He didn't even know what it truly felt like. Because sure Michael was happy at times, but then he spiralled back down and crashed at the bottom. And in his mind that was nowhere close to okay.

It was moments like these, when he and Luke were just themselves and there was nobody watching that Michael felt most like himself. It was those moments where Michael wanted to live so he and Luke could have a life. If was moment where Michael was in Luke's arms and they were blocking out the world that Michael felt at home.

But then there were the other moments were Michael realized that everyone would be so much better off if he never even existed. Moments where all he could think of was how much he's screwed up and how worthless he is. Moments when he realized that Luke, Calum, Ashton, Liz, would all be better off if he just stopped existing.

But the moments with Luke, those moments made him think that maybe it wouldn't be better if he were dead, and that maybe he isn't worthless. The moments with Luke that made him think that maybe he could do this, maybe he could get better.

And then everything would spiral down and crash.

He felt like a chaotic mixture of very happy and very sad. Michael was trying desperately to figure it all out to decipher the emotions and words and thoughts and what they all supposedly mean. Everything he felt was a contradiction of itself and he couldn't understand any of it. The only thought that was present was that he didn't want to be alive. He knew he wanted to die, but at the same time he wanted to live for Luke. But Michael knew from experience that the good doesn't truly win. This wasn't some fairy tale book or movie. Things would not end with a happily ever after. Because depression isn't something that can be ignored or ever fully beaten or conquered. Michael knew he would never fully be alright. And he didn't want to have to live like that. Michael really, truly, honestly wanted to die.

And he thinks the worst part about being depressed is that when it's that sort of on again off again type, you never really know if you're getting better or if you're about to spiral back down at the snap of your fingers. And he can't control it either. All Michael knows is he doesn't want to live. He doesn't want to wake up any more. He doesn't want to breathe. He doesn't want to live, especially not like that.

He doesn't know what's wrong with him. He can convince himself that things are okay that there's nothing wrong and that he'll get through it. He can start having all these positive thoughts and it's like maybe things really will be okay and he's not lying to himself. And then he'll have one negative thought, and he's back where he started, panicking over something he can't even rationalize. And sometimes breathing feels like he's drowning and he's just so damn tired and Michael wants to die. But then Luke's there picking him back up and making him stay and Michael doesn't know what's worse.

Luke and Michael were home from the park and Ashton and Calum had left. Liz was ordering Chinese take-out and Michael was cuddled with Luke on the couch waiting to un-pause the movie when Liz returned. Luke was pressing kisses to Michael's neck and face, and Michael was laughing and squirming away, but not really truly wanting to leave the blonde's grip.

"How are you?" Luke asked seemingly out of nowhere.

Michael fell silent. He wasn't entirely sure, in the exact moment Luke had asked he had felt wonderful, but now, thinking about it, Michael felt pretty sh*tty. And he still wanted to die. "I've been better. Definitely been better," Michael said attempting to explain. "Sometimes I feel on top of the world, when I'm with you. But then the second you leave or the second I think a certain think it all falls apart and I'm left in the burning ashes of it all wondering where, when and how I went wrong. And you know even when I'm on top of the world I still want to die, because I know it won't last,"

Luke kissed Michael's forehead. "I'm glad I make you feel on top of the world baby. Even if it doesn't last forever,"

"Forever, ever?"

"Forever, ever,"

Michael smiled and Liz walked back in announcing the Chinese food would be there in twenty minutes. Michael pressed play and they watched the movie plot unfold on the screen before them. And in Luke's arms everything seemed alright, even if it didn't last forever.