i drum my fingers slowly on my desk while finishing up my calculus homework. it's been about 5 hours since my interview, and i'm growing more and more anxious. the interviews were wrapped up a few minutes ago, so the results should be sent out soon.

i sigh. i can't concentrate on homework when this chaos is engulfing all of the room in my brain. i decide to go outside and take a walk.

the los angeles air is cool and crisp in the evening. when i first walk outside, the cold air hits my face suddenly and makes me shiver. i take a walk around my neighborhood, admiring the street lights and glittering stars starting to appear. but once my nose starts getting frostbitten, i speed walk back to my house.

to my surprise, there's a car parked in the driveway.

my mom's car.

"what in the world..." i mutter to myself as i walk through the door. that's when i see her: my mom, sitting at the kitchen counter, trimming her fingernails. she looks up at me just as i walk through the door.

"valerie!" she exclaims, walking over to me with open arms. i accept her hug and practically melt into her arms. it's been a while since i've seen my mom: considering she works full-time, her and my dad usually get home after i've gone to bed and leave in the morning before i wake up.

"you're home early," is all i can manage to say.

"just wanted to check in, see how you are. how's school? how are your friends? any cute boys in your class?" she gives me a wink.

"jesus christ mom." i let out a small laugh.

"answer my questions, sweetheart."

"i'm doing well, school's going well, my friends are doing well, and there aren't any cute guys in my class." technically i didn't lie. the only boy i find remotely cute lives on the other side of the world.

"what about matthew?"

"god mom, no. he's been one of my best friends since third grade. he's dating paige, anyway, and i'm not a homewrecker."

"you're a pretty girl, val. you're bound to have attracted at least SOME attention."

"mom. please. enough with the boy talk. i don't know how much more i can take."

"suit yourself. have you eaten dinner yet?" i shake my head. after being so stressed out about the interview and homework, i forgot to eat dinner. my stomach growls.

my mom walks over to the cabinet and gets two packets of kraft mac and cheese. she's never been much of a cook, that's all been up to me. but i guess she wanted to make me something. not that i'm complaining with the food choice.

we eat the mac and cheese in comfortable silence. it's hard to strike up conversations when you rarely see each other. after a few minutes, i try to make small talk.

"how's work?" i ask.

"same old, same old," my mom replies. "any tests coming up?"

"i had a history test today. none coming up as far as i know."

slow-paced conversations like this continue for a while until my phone vibrates.

"can i..." i motion to my phone, indirectly asking if i can check it. my mom nods. i open my phone to see a twitter notification. one new direct message.

my heart stops. i totally forgot about love or host.

i tap the notification and check to see who dm'ed me.

@AustinOnTwitter.

my heart goes from not beating to beating rapidly. i take a deep breath in and press the message.

"Hello, Valerie!" it reads. "It's with great pleasure I inform you that you are one of the ten girls that have been chosen to appear on TommyInnit's Love or Host on January 29th! This event usually lasts about 4 hours, with additional hours for the date at the end (if you win). This event with start at 3 PM PST and will end at about 7:00 PM. Please respond to verify that you got this message, and respond with whether or not you will be choosing 'love' or 'host.'"

i clamp my hand over my mouth.

i did it.

i'm going on love or host.

"valerie? what? are you okay?" my mom asks.

crap. she doesn't know.

"u-uh, one second..." i say, furiously typing out a reply.

"hi austin!" i reply. "i'm so incredibly honored to be on the show, thank you so much!" i think about what i'm choosing between love or host. on one hand, it'd be a pretty bitchy move making such an emotional and gravitating speech as to why they should pick me, and then choosing host. but then again...

i type out my full response, and hit send.

"well?" my mom prompts. i sigh, and tell her the truth. about how i auditioned for love or host for a very popular gaming influencer, got on, and get to be on in front of hundreds of thousands of viewers in a week.

my mom squeals in delight, the complete opposite reaction i was expecting.

"oh, let me see! let me see him!" she says. i shrug, go on google, and pull up a picture of tommy.

my mom looks at me and raises her eyebrows after seeing.

"i didn't know you were into blondes," she says. "but look at those eyes... i can't really blame you." i roll my eyes.

"mom, please. it's a stream. probably all just for show. we'll probably never talk again after. and anyway, even if i won, lindsay says the 'couples' never get together."

"you never know, you could be the first."

"please. that only happens in fairytales. and fan fiction."

"fan what?"

"nothing." i giggle silently to myself.

"when did you say this love or host was?" my mom pulls out her phone and opens her calendar app.

"january 29th," i say. "wait. no. please don't tell me-"

"it's in! your dad and i will take the day off so we can watch," my mom exclaims joyfully.

"this is so unnecessary." i bury my face in my hands. "you realize you can't just sit there and watch me, right? people will see you!"

"nonsense, we'll watch it on the tv downstairs. what channel is it on?"

"it's on an app. twitch." i laugh at how bad my mom is with modern technology.

"oh, then we can just airplay it."

i take it back. she knows what she's doing.

"i can't wait! it's this thursday! four more days! aren't you excited? who else knows?" she asks.

"um, you're the only one..." i mumble.

"you're telling me lindsay doesn't know? isn't she into this kind of stuff? why didn't she audition.?"

"because she's not eighteen, and honestly, i don't want to tell lindsay. i'm nervous she'll just try to coach me the whole time or get mad i didn't tell her i was auditioning in the first place, if that makes sense." just then, i got another notification on my phone. it was austin's tweet. but why did i get a notification if i don't have his post notifications on?

wait.

oh no.

i wouldn't get a notification...

unless...

Austin @AustinOnTwitter: TommyInnit Love or Host this Thursday at 3 PM PST! The ten lovely ladies that will be joining us are

@amanda_lilian

@heather.kopenheffer

@justjules_

@catherinesmith

@carmen_julianna_evans

@valeriedavis

@xmarissax

@serena_valentine

@isabella.north

@giannamarie

I hope to see you all there!

"and there goes my cover," i say. my mom raises an eyebrow, and i turn the phone to her. she puts on her glasses and reads the tweet.

"valerie davis!" she beams, pointing at my name on the screen. "that's you!" i nod grimly.

"that's me." then, someone starts calling me.

incoming call: lindsay green♥️

"oh fu-"

"watch your mouth at the table, young lady," my mom warns. i nod and take the phone.

"wish me luck," i mutter. my mom gave me a double thumbs up, and i take the phone into another room. i answer the call.

"hell-"

"VALERIE AMELIE DAVIS!" lindsay angrily screams so loudly i flinch and move the phone away from my ear.

"lindsay elizabeth green!" i say, not matching her furious energy.

"CARE TO TELL ME WHY YOU DIDN'T BOTHER TO TELL YOUR BEST FRIEND THAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE ON TOMMYINNIT'S LOVE OR HOST? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU GOT A CALLBACK? HELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE AUDITIONING?" i sigh.

"i didn't know how you'd take it-"

"NO SH-"

"careful. my mom can definitely hear you." i hear lindsay sigh.

"why did you audition?"

"thought it'd be fun."

"so you didn't tell me because you didn't know how i would take it?"

"and clearly i had every reason to worry." lindsay sighs again.

"okay, well you have four days to prepare, and-"

"oh oh hold on, i'm going to stop you right there. no one said anything about preparing."

"well i mean, you'll probably want to prepare your answers, right? you don't want to be put on the spot and go in blind. that's just dumb." i can hear lindsay grab a pencil and a piece of paper. "they always ask about first dates. where would you take tommy on a first date? i say you tell them you'll take him to see the queen. he loves the queen."

"that's unrealistic." i rub my temples. she can not be for real.

"as is the show."

"i'm telling austin you said that." i can hear the pencil slam down on the desk.

"you wouldn't," she says with grave seriousness and fear in her voice. it makes me laugh.

"i wouldn't. but still."

"okay, well what would you do for a first date?"

"lindsay, i think preparing is kind of unnecessary. it'll sound staged. plus, i want to have the experience. i don't want to work before hand. i'm here for fun."

"this means you chose host. seriously, valerie?" i smirk.

"i'm not telling you what i chose," i reply, twirling a strand of hair.

"it's so obvious you chose host. you don't know who tommy is and you don't want to prepare. what the hell?"

"you'll see what i chose on the show. austin will say." i giggle. i can only picture lindsay's face when she finds out what i picked.

"i'm calling it right now. you chose host."

"maybe..."

ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚.˚◦○˚ ୧ .˚ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚.˚◦○˚ ୧ .˚ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚.˚◦○˚ ୧ .˚ₓ

it's wednesday. the day before the show. lindsay comes over to my house to help me pick out what to wear.

"your parents are taking the day off to watch?" she asks as we head up the stairs to my room.

"mhm," i reply.

"bro, that's insane..." she trails off as we enter my room and open my closet. after about ten minutes, we come up with this:

"very good," lindsay says, evaluating the outfit. "preppy and cute, but not too formal. plus the dark colors will contrast nicely against your light background. i think it's perfect."

"i love it," i say, smoothing out my skirt.

"you cleaned up your room for this?" lindsay walks around my room. "it's never clean."

she's right. there are usually clothes and random junk scattered across my room, but i took time that one night to clean it and make it look perfect.

"i couldn't sleep, so i figured cleaning wouldn't hurt," i say honestly. lindsay turns to me.

"are you ready for this?" she asks. i shrug.

"i mean, i'm pretty nervous for some reason, but i think i'll be okay."

"that's normal. but then again, that's a sign you chose love... now i'm conflicted." she taps her chin, deep in thought. i laugh and lightly shove her shoulder.

"i said you'll see when you watch the show!"

after a few hours, lindsay goes home. i think back to my stream interview and smile. until i remember that it was broadcasted in front of thousands of people.

with a live chat.

a live chat that was not a fan of one of the girls that went before me.

the thought of the chat not liking me snaps me out of my trance. my palms start sweating and my breathing speeds up. what if the chat didn't like me?

only one way to find out.

i pull up the vod and skip ahead to my interview. i let the interview play, but don't watch it. i only look at the chat recap. when i first appear on the screen, the chat fills with positive comments.

"WTF SHE'S SO PRETTY"

"omg she's adorable"

"yo does anyone know where she got that sweater-"

"AWWWWW CUTIE"

i smile while reading the chat. then, the first question is asked.

why did you decide to audition for tommyinnit's love or host?

"let's hope she's not like ashley LMAO"

"eek i'm nervous"

"she seems pure, it'll be fine chat"

i thought he was super cool and i loved his personality. our personalities are really similar, actually, so i think we would click really well together. so i just yolo'ed it and auditioned for the show. since i'm not a 'stan' and only watched one stream so i could know who he is, i feel like it's not weird. and he would know i'm not just using him to grow my platform since i don't have a platform!

"wait okay i fw her"

" DID SHE JUST SAY YOLO'ED IT... STOP SHE'S SO CUTE"

"THAT WAS SUCH A GOOD ANSWER WHAT"

"she's perfect"

"stan valerie for clear skin"

my smile widens as i read the chat. i feel a lot better after realizing they weren't just negative people that enjoyed making rude remarks.

we can both be chaotic and loud, but i can tell tommy really cares about his friends, as do i. my friends would describe me as compassionate and caring, and that i always know what to say. not sure what the world for that is. i'm also very honest. i'm good at talking to people, so communication is one of my strong suits.

"hey valerie i'm free on february 14th"

"your hand in marriage, ma'am"

trust me, i probably dislike america just as much. i'm thinking about moving out of america after college, if i go to college. i was actually thinking somewhere in the uk before i even knew who tommy was. i don't know why, england has just always attracted me and seems so beautiful. plus there's the queen, the legend herself. can't forget about her.

"SHE'S FUNNY TOO OH MY GOD"

"there is nothing wrong with her omfg"

"if she's not on the show i'm going to be so mad"

i genuinely think he's a good person. i don't care about his platform, if i just saw him passing through the halls at school i would still have the same impression of him.

"THIS GIRL I SWEAR"

"WHY IS SHE SO PERFECT I'M-"

"screw this if she's not chosen i'm marrying her myself"

"they haven't even met and i'm already shipping talerie"

i giggle when i see the talerie comment. this chat is so sweet and i already love them.

i want to prove that you don't need a large following to succeed. i'm sure there are many girls out there that would've loved to audition for this love or host, but didn't because they were worried that their follower count didn't meet your standards. and hey, maybe follower count is a contributing factor to being on the show. but i'm here because i want to show that you don't need to have an army backing you up to do the things you love, or accomplish things you want to do.

"that's it i'm sold on her"

"y'all even if she's not chosen i say we still all go show her love and appreciation"

"VALERIE FOR PRESIDENT"

"i love her omg"

"this is the first time i've heard of valerie, but i already love her"

the stream then shows me exiting the call, and i get to listen to a part i didn't hear live.

"she's the cutest little thing i've ever seen," caprice says. the chat fills with "TRUE" and "ANY TRUERS IN CHAT?"

"she absolutely was, darling," austin says. "very sweet and genuine. what do you think chat?"

"SHE'S PERFECT"

"LET HER ON"

"I LOVE HER SM"

"i thought i was straight until i saw her"

"the chat loves her," doc says with a chuckle.

"the only problem is she doesn't have a platform," austin says. "we typically only let people on if they have somewhat of a following."

"oh come on, austin, you did that years ago. let's switch it up a bit. i say she gets on, and i think the entire chat agrees with me," caprice says with a smile. the chat fills with "YES" and "LET HER ON."

"we'll think about it, chat, we still have a lot of girls to interview," doc says. i exit out of the stream and sigh, smiling. i can't believe it.

they liked me.

maybe even loved me.

and i felt so... welcomed. and at home.

i decide right then and there that even if i don't win the love or host, i want to try streaming. i love the chat, and my follower count on twitter is already growing by the minute.

but that doesn't mean i'm not going to try tomorrow.

and i know i got the chat on my side for this one.