XO.

She had never put XO before.

I'm sure it didn't mean anything.

She was just.. sweet like that.

Right?

I wasn't sure if I should answer or just leave it at that. What else was there to say?

Well, there was plenty, but none that was appropriate right now.

There was so much that I wanted to say to her, but I was starting to think that now I would never get the chance.

But.. I also didn't want it to end.

Now that her and Josh were together, I wonder how much time she'd have for anyone else. They had been close before, so I could only imagine what was going to happen from here on out. They had gone their whole lives being surrounded by everyone else and their significant other, now it was their turn to be "that couple," and I knew that he couldn't wait.

The only difference is I knew it didn't kill Josh to see me with anyone the way I knew band practice would be torture now every time she came to watch, just knowing that the songs we were playing were almost always about her, all the while I had a secret pile of my own that she would most likely never hear.

Josh told me about your night, I'm glad you guys had fu..

No, no no.. I didn't want to bring up Josh in anyway. I just wanted a few moments of.. us, just us. But the longer I went without answering her the weirder it would be.

I'm glad you had fun tonight though, you looked beauti..

Nope, nope.. how would I know what she looked like tonight? The last thing I needed was her thinking I was her boyfriend's creepy brother. This was so stupid. I never had trouble talking to girls before, but when it came to Jaime, it was like I couldn't think straight. Josh always assured her that it was just because I was shy, but.. I never really considered myself to be shy until she came around. Then all I wanted to do was run and hide. This was awful.

One day I'll be brave enough to tell you how I feel but.. not tonight.

I don't know why I bothered. I frantically backspaced until my finger slipped hitting send mid-erase. My entire body went cold.

One day I'll be brave enough to tell yo

No. I didn't. There was no way this was happening. How would I ever explain this? How could I be so stupid? Maybe.. she wouldn't see it tonight. Maybe I'd have some time to think of some reason that would have sent.

to tell me what?

I felt like I was going to be sick. I couldn't just shut up and leave it be, could I? I just had to push it, and now I could have potentially ruined everything. There had to be a way out of this.

sorry, didn't mean to send here, just writing lyrics.

Yeah, like she would ever actually believe that.

Maybe she'd be nice enough to just ignore it.

they sound sad. anything you want to talk about?

Oh, she had no idea how badly I wanted to talk about it with her, but even if I could somehow manage to spit it out, there's no way I would have this conversation with her over text.

maybe one day.

okay, whenever you're ready, i'm here for you too xo

Oh my god, the XO again.

thank you, jaime

I erased the heart, wondering if it would be okay for me to send the XO back. But that wasn't like me at all. Friends sent each other hearts at times like this, right? Nothing like the old "I'm sorry your mom is in the hospital again but I'm heartbroken over you now dating my brother, please love me instead." For all I knew, she was telling Josh about every message we sent to each other. This was humiliating. But even still..

I added the heart back, quickly pressing send before I could overthink it again, tossing my phone away and pulling my pillow over my face. I hated how someone could make me feel this way. I had gone my entire life making fun of guys who made an idiot out of themselves over girls, I never understood how someone could have that much power over you until suddenly I was face to face with Jaime, and she stared back at me with eyes so kind and loving that they could seamlessly glue back the pieces of me that I had given up on long ago, making me feel whole once again.

I couldn't remember the last time I let someone in, deep enough where they had access to every hidden corner of my heart that I kept from the world, never fully able to trust anyone with the weight I carried, knowing I would never be able to survive them carelessly tossing it aside once they finally realized I wasn't who they thought I was.

Maybe that was why I just pushed everyone away, keeping those actually willing at arms length with the fear of them getting too close and taking every good part of me that I had left. So instead, they fell for the act; the nonchalant boyfriend who always cared less, because everyone knew that whoever cared less, held all the power.

There was only one girl I ever felt comfortable enough to see behind the mask.

I'd love to see some of the new stuff you've written, if you're comfortable showing me. I miss hearing you play for me.

Just for a moment, I pretended that she meant me and only me. But I knew she meant the band, and I would never show her anything I had written in front of anyone else. There was once a time when she would sit with me out in the backyard as Josh would set up his movie sets and film all of us, but for those few moments, it was just her and I and everything I had ever wanted to share with a girl. She lied in the grass, her head propped up onto her hand while she silently watched me play, staring up at me with adoring eyes and an enticing smile. I could barely bring myself to look at her out of fear of melting right into the ground, unable to contain my grin every time her eyes met mine, constantly making me lose my train of thought.

"You're so good." She sighed, picking at the grass beneath her. "I can't believe you guys aren't famous yet." I shrugged, feeling my cheeks burn.

"Maybe one day." She nodded, staring back at me with eyes that cut through me like the sharpest blade.

"Well, don't forget me when you are." She'd laugh, as if I could ever forget her, even if I tried.

"I would never forget you, Jaime."

I'll play for you whenever you want.