Carmen:

I wrapped the blanket around myself, shutting my eyes and trying to go to sleep for what felt like the millionth time. I hunched in the fetal position, putting my arms between my thighs and trying to level my breathing. 

My eyes shot open and I groaned inwardly, reaching for the light. 

Eyes squinting I thought better and shut it off, pressing myself against my pillows and scratching my shoulder. 

"What are you thinking about?" He said, scratching my head lightly. 

"Just, thinking about you." I closed my eyes, feeling my shoulders fall back and the warmth of his skin coming onto me from the thin fabric of his shirt. 

"Must not be so excitin then." He laughed, brushing his hair back. It almost reached his shoulders and when he bent down to brush his lips against mine it tickled the sides of my face. 

"Quite exciting actually." I laughed before he pressed his mouth against mine. 

"Well I'm here now so come and show me what you're thinking of." 

I rubbed my eyes, trying to push the memories away. But they either replayed now or later on in dreams. Short burst of memories that felt so real I'd wake up with tears pricking my eyes. 

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Van:

Benji snored on the bed across from me, but it didn't matter if I threw a pillow at him, he'd go back to it anyway. 

I threw my arm over my face, taking a deep breath. 

Walking back to Carmen's room, the door was slightly open. Lights off, I figured she'd at least wait for me to go to sleep. 

Her back was to me, curled up. It tugged my chest when she turned over, her face passive and her hands together as she stretched out onto the pillow. 

I slid into the bed, moving instinctively to the warmth coming from her. I gave her a kiss on the forehead, but suddenly her hands wrapped around my face and she kissed both corners of my mouth before moving her lips against mine. 

"Goodnight." She whispered sleepily, turning her head away from me but moving her body close to mine. 

I rubbed my hands across my face, kicking myself for thinking about her. Because it'd been months since I'd seen her and she wasn't mine anymore. And maybe it'd be easier to forget her if I was on tour, but now that it was just me and the dark, her face kept sliding into my brain. 

I slid out of bed, moving towards the door. 

The balcony was my best friend. I moved the cigarette to my mouth, shutting my eyes as I took a drag. A few people walked below, their footsteps especially amplified in the silence of the night. I rubbed the back of my neck and looked down, studying the heads that walked by.

Out for a drink, to dance, to meet their loves. 

Not even Abby could distract me, because she was away for the weekend. And so that left me and my aggressive thoughts. The boys wouldn't want to hear about my problems for the millionth time, even if they acted like they wouldn't mind. 

Because what was it really? A girl, she was just a girl. 

But if she was just a girl, then why did it take the image of her smile to make my stomach drop, and why did the sound of her voice make my heart gallop and my hands shake? 

If she was just a girl, then why had it been straight up months with having her out of my life and I thought of nothing but the image of her lying on her side next to me, or her hands fiddling with mine as she talked about something or other?

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"Boys, how about a little show?" Rich sat down at the table, looking at us over his hands. "A festival down in Leeds, a couple of other alt artists, and I don't think they'd mind having you, especially after that explosive tour."

"Sure, sounds good." I spoke first, then looked at the guys. They each nodded. 

"Great. Not so far, good venue. Oh, something I forgot to tell you, completely crossed my mind. You lads, the Late Late Show with James Corden. Two weeks."

"What?" I wasn't sure I'd heard right. 

Rich looked annoyed. "You've heard of it right? In the States, channel five or something like that. The lad has a good sense with who performs, and seems they'd love to have you on. Great advertising for the album and maybe he'll even want to interview you if you're lucky. Don't get me wrong lads, you've done massive, but it never hurts to keep reaching for more."

"We know that." I mumbled, because flying back to the states was now something that was happening. For sure. "Los Angeles right?"

"Yeah, heard it's nice around this time of year. November and eighty degrees, can you believe?" Rich laughed and shook his head. "Anyways, yes, mark your calendars for that. Go blow some steam off there if you want. You should, you've been working."

"Just a couple of festivals here and there." I mumbled, but the guys were already smiling at each other, Bondy clapping a hand on my shoulder. 

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"I'm going away for a bit." I said casually to Abby's turned back. 

"Yeah, where to?" She turned to glance at me, taking a sip from her glass. 

"Los Angeles."

"You're kidding, what for?" She replied.

"We're playing a tv show." I couldn't help but feel proud. "Late night with James Corden."

"That's bloody amazing." She paused, studying her nails. "How long will you be gone?"

"Dunno, couple of days. Why not you know? The good thing about the show is that it'll get more buzz for the album over there. Hasn't been out for that long in the States."

Abby nodded. "Yeah. Hey can I ask you something?"

"Depends." I held my glass with both hands, glancing up at her. 

"Why don't you ever want to meet my friends?"

I scratched my face. "I guess it just hasn't come up."

"It has, but you just never want to meet wherever they are. And how come when I told you my parents were coming, you said that was fine, you'd just see me later? Why don't you want to meet any of my family or friends?"

"It's not that Abby." I stood up. "It's just, you know"-

"No Van I don't. I get it, but then if this is going to work, we both need to make a commitment."

"A commitment? Abby if I agreed to this it's because we said it would be anything but a commitment."

"Van we agreed that I would understand your schedule and what you do and I wouldn't make a bloody mess of it like your last girl."

"Don't bring her into this."

"Why not?" She challenged. "I'm sure you met her friends, I'm sure you weren't ashamed of her."

"I'm not ashamed of anything." I rubbed my temple, a slow thump building up in my head. I hadn't even noticed I'd made a fist with my right hand, knuckles white. "Why are you doing this now?"

"So I can't make a place for myself then?" She said. 

I put the drink on her table and stood up. "Listen, maybe it'd be better if I leave."

"Van no." Her attitude changed in a flash from angry to pleading. "Come on, you know I'm just messin with ya. Sit down, have a drink, I won't talk about it if you don't want to."

"Fine, but it's late so I think"- She cut me off by pressing her mouth against mine, locking her arms around me.

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I stared at her bare back, turning away and rubbing my eyes. I slid out of bed, getting the rest of my clothes and moving out the door. 

I figured I could take a cab home, but the walk wasn't that long anyways and the streets weren't dangerous anyways. 

I searched in the pocket of my jacket for a cig, but cursed silently when I realized I'd left my lighter at Abby's. Nevermind that, I could always get another one. 

As I walked past a shop, I figured that's what I'd do. My mouth had gone dry from the need for it anyways, and it wasn't that much of a bother. 

I stepped outside back again, grateful for the this shop's late night hour as I cupped the flame and held it to the end of the cigarette. 

"Can I bum ya a cig?" I heard from behind me. I turned around, seeing some lad half hidden by the shadows. Something in my stomach told me to keep walking and ignore him. 

"Last one, sorry." I muttered, turning to walk forward. 

"I know you're lying to my friend here." I stepped back before I ran into this second guy in front of me. I saw a glint of silver in his hand, and though I tried to step back the one behind me was too close anyways. 

"Shame. Spare the cig, but we know you've got some pounds on you. You won't need 'em." 

"Whoa lads, I don't want any trouble." I held my hands up, stepping to the side. I kept my eyes focused on that glint of silver in his hand while his mate behind me let out a harsh laugh. 

"Take the pounds out then. That's all we want from you." I stepped forward and the guy jutted the pocketknife in my face. 

Heart racing, I jutted my hands in my pockets and wrapped them around the crumpled bills. I threw them on the ground and while both were distracted burst into a run. 

Lungs screaming, I managed to a stop only until I saw my building a couple of feet ahead. I leaned against the wall, shutting my eyes as black circles pin pricked my mind. 

"Christ, you ok?" Bondy exclaimed when I stumbled in, shutting the door firmly behind me and leaning back over it while I caught my breath. 

"Dunno, yeah I guess. Lost a couple pounds but I kept my cigs and my lighter." I laughed, a bit crazed to them no doubt.

"You got jumped?" Bob ran a hand through his hair, looking at me in worry.

"No big deal." I straightened up. "Where's the scotch?"

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Abby called me everyday around noon, exchanging stories about her day. I didn't bother bringing up the event from two nights ago, and I zoned out as she told me something or other about her least favorite coworkers. 

"Uh huh." I slumped on the couch, staring at the blank screen of the television. 

"Van!" 

"What?"

"You're not even listening to me." Her voice bordered on a whine. I rubbed my eyes. 

"Sorry, Bondy was telling me something." I made up quickly. "What were you telling me?"

"Nevermind. I'll save it as a surprise. You'll be in Leeds this weekend right?"

"Yup."

"And then you're flying out to Los Angeles...?"

"In about two weeks. I should tell you off for not listening to me." 

She laughed. "I know I know. But just wanted to check."

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Carmen:

"Sweetie, you'll find something." Nicole turned the television down, looking up at me from her glass of wine. "Zach came over the other day and he seriously would not stop bitchin about what you told him your last day of work."

"Really?" I asked, embarrassed. "I know he's your friend but"-

"So are you. Besides, more power to you. That was badass the way you stood up to everyone. A real feminist icon." I shoved her back while she laughed. "I'm serious. You know all I send to you are good vibes. I swear you'll be good by the end of this month." She waved her fingers at me. "I'm sending it out into the cosmos."

I rolled my eyes, taking a drink from my glass. I took a deep breath, jumping at a sudden crash that rang outside. 

Nicole's apartment was like her, cheery and full of fluff. Her couch had a mountain of pillows and everything was in hues of pinks and whites. She had framed posters of old actresses on her living room wall, and a giant white leopard rug that took up almost the entire floor. 

"Hey, can I ask you something?" She spoke suddenly. 

"Yeah?"

"When Zach came over, he started drinking a bit. He gets really mouthy, always oversharing. Anyways, he brought you up, and then he kept talking about how you'd ran back to your 'douche ex with the accent'. I don't want to flat out intrude in your life, but you're my friend and I guess I just wanted to know what that was about. Was that the ex you mentioned in Cancun?"

Cancun seemed ages ago. I took a large gulp of wine, setting the glass down on the coffee table. "Nicole, I need to tell you some things, and I trust you and I feel comfortable telling you these things, but I don't know where to start."

"Tell me from the beginning then."

So I did. I told her everything. From meeting to Van to falling for him to falling out with him. Every detail I could remember, good or bad. She listened without interrupting, and I noticed her eyes had a sheen to them. She wiped at them a couple of times, as I found my voice getting wobbly. It was cathartic really, finally spilling everything I'd been thinking of for so long. 

"Carmen, oh my god. I guess, I always figured it was just some guy that you met and he was an asshole, but this....is so much more. So much worse. I don't think either of you were really at fault."

"Or maybe we both were." I said.

"Have you talked to him?"

"The last time I did, Abby responded"-

"Nevermind that hoe," She said over zealously. "After?"

"Why? He doesn't want anything to do with me. And it's what I deserve." 

She was quiet. "I guess I'd like to tell you that time will heal and we'll find you a new guy and everything will be fine. But I feel like that's something everyone says, and it's better to just let it actually happen then be saying it will. So just know that whatever happens, you can tell me. Anything." She said firmly. 

"Thank you."

"So here's to finally letting go of the things that hurt us. May we find some good love, but for now, some good cash." She raised her glass in a toast. I laughed, clinking mine against it. 

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Jesse graduated. I was at her ceremony, sitting among other friends and family. We went back to our apartment and held a small celebration, the presence of so many people keeping me on my feet.

"Ice. Shit, ok, I'm gonna run down to the market for some." I waved Jesse away and grabbed my car keys.

It was quick to the store, but the freezer had a large sign that said out of order, and the cashier merely shrugged and said they didn't have any ice. 

I got into the car again and drove to the nearest store after that one, a couple of streets away from our apartment and closer to the heart of the city, where everything was more crowded. 

I got out of the car quickly, feeling a sudden jolt in my head. I steadied myself against the car, blinking quickly. When was the last time I'd eaten?

Breakfast no? I'd taken a bite of a banana before rushing to help Jesse with her hair. And that had been eight hours ago.

But the smoking made me less hungry, so I hadn't noticed. I straightened up and walked into the store, making a beeline for the small freezer in the corner. I hoisted a ten pound bag over my shoulder, feeling the coldness seep through my dress. I got another flash of lightheadedness as I walked to the cashier, but I shook my head to make it go away. 

The door opened behind me as I paid for the ice, the packs of smoke behind the cashier catching my eye as I heard footsteps behind me. 

"Could I get a pack of Marlboros too please?" I took the pack from the cashier and tucked it into my bag, giving him cash. 

I turned away from the cashier and almost toppled over with someone. He wasn't even paying attention. 

I glanced up at him and saw the same blue eyes I would never stop seeing in my dreams. He looked at me with his mouth turned down, finally opening it to try and stammer a response. My legs wobbled, and when Van spoke all I heard was an elongated buzzing sound. Everything went yellow and then everything went black.