Two months later (A/N: Time for a time jump!!!!)

Carmen:

"Carmen don't do that."

I turned away from Zach, taking a drag from the cigarette while looking out into the crowded city. His hand molded around my shoulder, which I ducked away from.

"Zach, what did I tell you?"He sighed audibly, earning nothing from me. I'd just given him the chance to allow us to be friends again, and even though it was nice that there weren't awkward silences in the offices that the others had to witness, Zach was trying his hardest to getting away with crossing the boundaries I'd set for him. "I don't get why you even started, thought you hated the smell of smoke?"

"I never said that." I walked to the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Outside, if the smell bothers you so much."

I leaned against the building, pushing my sunglasses up and looking into the street. Truth be told, the cigarette thing had started out of nothing. I'd hated being cooped up in the office with Zach and the awkwardness, so I'd taken to duck out for some air. Combine that with running into a fellow coworker who had a pack to share, and the habit had formed out of thin air.

I thought of Van, picturing him standing at my window with the cigarette dangling out and licking his lips before taking a smoke. I shut my eyes as I took another drag.

I hadn't even bothered to contact him. He was probably halfway in some other country with a girl who could entertain him as much or more as I had. I wonder what he'd say about my acquirement of the habit.

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The smoking also helped calm my nerves after I woke up at night. I'd been doing that more frequently now, heart thudding and sweat dotted on my forehead. Limbs heavy and with a dry mouth, the only thing that helped me relax was mimicking what Van used to do, studying the streetlights and trying my best to ignore the taste it left in my mouth.

I still hadn't gotten used to it. But smoking kills ads be damned, sometimes that's all that kept my nerves in check.

Jesse was graduating next week, and my graduation seemed to hang uncertain in my face. I'd hoped to join her this semester, but classes hadn't gone the way I'd wanted.

As distant as I'd expected Jesse to grow in preparation for her graduation, we'd grown closer than ever. We'd let the nights unfold with the television as background and analyze every part of our lives, or we'd go get coffee and walk around the city, which might've been dumb to do being two girls, but whatever.

Katherine had grown a little distant, but we still texted and gotten together a couple of times. She'd dropped out of school just before the start of this semester, but I didn't have the place to tell her what was right or wrong.

Zach had been extremely bitter for a few weeks after I'd broken off our short relationship, but he'd grudgingly started to let it go, and we were talking again. It felt awkward running into him when Nicole invited me to hangout, because though our relationship had ended, Nicole hadn't wanted to let our friendship die with it. She'd even admitted she knew how intense Zach could get, and we'd left it at that.

I'd get a small weight in my chest when I thought of Van and everything I'd done in vain to try and forget him. Zach hadn't helped me, and I'd thought he would.

I admitted this to Jesse for the third time tonight, drumming my fingers against my legs and thinking of the pack of cigarettes in my bag.

"Carmen, do you ever think of, I don't know, calling him again?"

"For what? To waste his time? You know when you do something so bad, that you're actually embarrassed to try and make it better? So you just let it unfold before you? I don't know how to say this." I shook my head, trying to make sense of it on my own.

"I get it. But I don't know, who knows you know?"

"Maybe I'll just die alone." I laughed dryly, but Jesse didn't even crack a smile. "It feels like I've known Van for decades." I said sheepishly. "Or knew him I mean."

"He's still out there. Maybe third time's the charm." She said, shrugging and studying the carpet.

"Did you get your gown today?" I asked in an attempt to change the subject.

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I took a deep breath, stepping inside the office.

Lately, work had seemed more of a chore. I don't know what it was, but everytime I stepped into the building I felt something in me drain. At first I'd thought it was merely my problem with Zach, but now it was something else.

I shut my eyes at my computer, rubbing the bridge of my nose.

"Carmen, James said your ad was good, but needs something." This had been the fourth ad in a row that I'd designed and it hadn't made the cut. "Maybe next time." Carla slid the paper in front of me, the bright colors dancing in the corner of my vision.

I looked up, seeing Zach glance down quickly. I wished I could change offices. Though I was trying to be friends with Zach again, I don't know who I was kidding. I couldn't look at him the same and just remembering the way he'd acted towards me made me slightly bitter towards him.

I stood up, walking out of the office and clutching the piece of paper.

"Hey James, Carla said the ad wasn't good"-

"Hey Carmen, I didn't say that. I just meant that it needed something." He held both hands up defensively.

"So it wasn't good then." Annoyance trickled through my voice, surprising even me.

"Are you ok?"

How many times had I been asked that? With Van, after the thing with Zach, it seemed I'd never escape that question.

"I quit." I muttered, and then I spoke up. "I'm sorry, I don't think this job is fit for me anymore."

"Carmen, it's just an ad, I'm"-

"Sorry, but it's not just the ads. I don't fit in here anymore."

"Are you sure?" James asked.

"Yes."

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"Hey what happened? Carmen!" Zach put a hand on my shoulder as I faced my desk.

"Zach, whoa, can you not touch me please?" I said.

"Carmen what the hell is wrong with you? These last couple of weeks, you've been one of the bitchiest people here."

"Why, because I don't let you touch me? Because I put some space between us, because you know I needed to? Or is it because I broke up with you and you're still bitter about it?" I snapped.

"You're different now." He accused.

"Maybe I had to change because I'm tired of being so indifferent all the time. And I'm tired of this job, and I'm tired of you acting like you need to be involved in my life. And I know I said we could be friends Zach, but the truth is, you were a terrible boyfriend, and if I thought I could forget Van with you that was my mistake." I grabbed my bag and the few things I had, moving towards the door. "But don't worry, it won't be awkward anymore, have a good life."

And as I left the office I felt something I hadn't felt in a while. Light.

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I sat on the couch with my hands wedged between my legs.

Had I just made a mistake?

No, it wasn't the time to think about mistakes anymore. Because the truth was I'd been growing tired of work, and it was supposed to be my dream job. And I could finish school without the added pressure of going to work, which I had to admit, had made me start caring less about assignments or attending class. And I was too close to that diploma to let it go.

I could find something else while I finished up school. Something new, where no one knew who I'd been.

I bet Van would've been so glad to hear I quit, and I thought about Jesse's words again. Third time's the charm.

I grabbed my phone from the coffee table, finger scrolling down and pausing at his name. Should I? Could I?

I pressed it, shutting my eyes and feeling my chest tighten with every ring.

"Hello?"

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Van:

I looked in the mirror, taking a deep breath and pushing my hair back. Christ, how had I let her get to me still? Even now, when I'd ended up trying something with Abby, Carmen drifted back onto my mind like she had a permanent place there. And she did really.

I'd told her I'd be there anytime she needed, and it all rang pathetic to me, but the truth was that she was like an itch at my chest that flared up all the time.

Abby, she didn't mind that I didn't love her. She ran her fingers through my hair anyways and she promised me that she'd make me forget Carmen. Abby split a pack of cigarettes with me and drank twice what I did. Her mouth roamed mine like it was trying to swallow me whole.

I'd written a bit, but not much. Songs that made sense to me, but no one else. I felt drained whenever I picked up the pencil to write, as if my brain was at a standstill for ideas.

I stayed at Abby's house a couple of nights because it seemed like it was something I should do. She distracted me, even if it was just some of the dumb things that left her mouth. When I was with her I felt like I shut down, only focusing on the drinks she gave me or the smoke that blew out of her mouth. Trying to let myself be consumed by her, but it was impossible because I'd already been consumed once before, and even thought Carmen had spit me out and moved on, I'd never had.

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Carmen:

"Hello?" The female voice spoke again. "I know it's you Carmen."

"Who is this?" I asked, feeling my chest tighten.

"Abby? Don't you remember me?" She spoke softly. "Van's not available right now. Fact, I don't think he'll ever be for you again."

"You think he's forgotten me already?" I spoke with a sudden surge of anger.

"Why would he be with me then? Giving me everything you took for granted?" She spoke just as sharply. "Cause that's the thing about girls like you Carmen. You think you're bloody damn too good for anything or anyone. But hey I'm not complaining. And if you don't want Van then I'll gladly take him off your hands."

"Let me talk to him."

"He doesn't want to talk to you. Told me to pick up the phone and send you to hell for him. Well, gotta go. Nice talking to you Carmen, don't call back."

I looked down at the phone, feeling the blood rush to my head.

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Van:

I walked back to the living room, Abby sitting upright and my phone on the coffee table.

"Everything alright?" I asked.

"Great." She smiled.

"I didn't get any calls did I?'

"Nope." She stretched. "Fancy going out for a drink? I feel like celebrating."

"Sure, any special reason?"

"Just, having you at my side." She ruffled my hair, bringing her lips to mine. I found my eyes straying to my phone on the coffee table. Hadn't I left it on the armrest?

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Carmen:

First I was angry. Then the tears built up and I felt my chest give out as I succumbed to the feeling of hopelessness.

What, did I expect Van to wait for me? To see if I did decide to go back to him and resume our relationship, completely overlooking anything that had happened in between?

I buried my face in my hands, the image of him and Abby. Shit I didn't even know how Abby looked like, but just the thought of Van..I couldn't push it out of my mind.

The lock turned and I wiped my eyes before Jesse could walk in.

Not that it did much because the minute she walked in she immediately frowned. "What's wrong Car?"

I shook my head. "Just some dumb stuff."

"I don't think it's just something dumb. Come on." She approached me, dropping down on the couch.

"I quit my job."

"You did? Well there's plenty more of jobs out there. Besides, you were really killing yourself there, and I don't think you got as much recognition as you should have." She paused. "Anything else?"

"I called Van."

"You did? How'd it go?"

"Some girl answered."

"A family member?"

I shook my head. "Abby."

"That one girl? Fucking asshole." She muttered.

"No, but that's the thing. It's his right to go find love somewhere else. I was such a shit girlfriend."

Jesse hugged me, not saying anything else.

The carpet rippled in my vision before I completely shut my eyes.

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I snapped the cigarette in half, letting the ash crumble on my fingers and my bedspread. I rubbed my eyes, not wanting to fall asleep. Everytime I did, I dreamt of Van now. Like some sort of fucked up reminder of what I'd thrown away.

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Van:

"Van, come on get up." She buried her face in my neck. I smiled, pressing my hands against her back and pushing her against me. She laughed, her breath fanning lightly over my skin.

"Van." A singsong voice rang out in my ear, fingers tickling my chin. I smiled, reaching my hands over and grabbing onto her. "Come on then, let me sleep a little." I opened one eye, but instead of brown eyes I saw blue, and instead of the black hair I used to twist in my fingers it was brown.

Abby laughed, moving her mouth against mine. I responded instinctively, suddenly breaking away and standing up. "I should go."

"Aw come on then, I won't mind you being here for a bit longer." She pressed her knees against her chest. I pushed my hair back.

"No, I should really get going." I stumbled over her rug, regaining myself and grabbing my phone from my jeans just to make sure it was still there.

"Van, come on, don't be like that."

"Next time." I mumbled, going to the door.

Outside I walked to the car, sitting in the drivers seat and unlocking my phone. I went to the photos, an album I'd labeled simply X.

Her smile shone at me, arms around my neck and eyes bright. I scrolled through every picture of Carmen I had, stopping on one I'd gotten of her unaware, tucking her hair behind her ear with eyes downcast.

I began to delete every single one, feeling my chest tighten. But I couldn't delete that one, her looking so there. I turned the car on, swallowing dryly as I backed out the driveway.