Van:

My phone vibrated in my back pocket, but I didn't pay mind to it. Plucking the pick through the guitar strings, I studied the red wall of the studio, trying to imitate the tune I'd thought of last night.

It was useless.

"Van, are you ready?" Benji spoke up behind me. Bob tapped his sticks together impatiently.

"Yeah, of course."

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I plugged my phone in to charge, contemplating calling Carmen. Maybe it'd be best if I gave her space. She needed some time to think things through. I'd be here when she needed me.

A missed call and a voicemail. The call was from Carmen. Maybe she'd thought things through quicker than I thought.

I pressed the phone to my ear, hearing the usual intro to the voicemail. A shuffle, static, and then her voice broke through, filling my head.

"Van, it's me. I-I can't. I can't do this anymore."

"End of voicemail."

Nonononononononononono.

I dropped the phone like it burned me, watching the screen light up. The seconds ticked by on the screen, my heart jammed in my throat.

This was some sort of joke. In a fucking twisted way, this was a joke.

I grabbed the phone and ended the voicemail call, scrolling frantically through to Carmen's number.

"Van"-

"Not now Bob!" I didn't look up, stabbing her name and pressing the phone against my ear. It rang and rang and rang, each ring feeling like a kick in the gut. I shut my eyes and opened them once it went to her voicemail, ending the call and redialing.

"Van, what's"-

"Carmen, pick up the phone! Answer me!" I ended the call and redialed, ignoring the guys and pushing through to the balcony.

I dialed another three times, letting the phone clatter on the concrete and pushing my shaky hand into my back pocket in search of a cigarette. I bit down on it harder than expected and lit it, but then I swiped it out of my mouth and threw it down onto the ground.

The door behind me slid open. "Van, what's wrong mate?"

I ignored Benji, looking down at the street below. There weren't many people walking, it was late. Late here, early in the states. She should've picked up.

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Carmen:

I woke up and turned away from my alarm, burying my head in my hands and pulling the sheet over me.

My body felt like I'd ran a marathon, when in reality I'd curled up in bed and cried for an hour last night. I'd waited until Jesse had fallen asleep and snuck out to the kitchen, rooting through our medicine drawer for some sleeping pills.

I felt groggy, partially hungover. The shrill alarm did it's job and when I shut it off I saw ten missed calls and two voicemails. My eyes filled but I couldn't stop myself. I dialed my voicemail and pressed the phone to my ear.

"You have two new voicemails."

"Carmen pick up the phone! Answer me!" Van's panicked voice made my stomach drop, and I brought my thumbnail to my mouth, biting down quickly. The second voicemail was a couple of seconds, and just when I thought it wasn't Van calling, I heard him. "Don't do this."

"End of voicemail."

I hung up the phone, letting it fall back onto my sheets and allowing myself to go down with it. I pressed my hands against my face and gave in to my sadness. Because I knew this was what had to be done. We weren't what we used to be.

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"Hi." I said plainly, plopping down at my desk.

"Hey, welcome back to the states." Zach smiled at me, taking a sip from his usual giant cup of coffee.

"Carmen! Tell me all about it? Where did Van take you?" Ella brought her hands to her face, waiting.

I struggled to speak, taking a sip of coffee and feeling the tightening in my throat.

"Carmen?" Zach spoke first.

"I, uh, it was...there were a lot of places. He was busy for some of the time, so I did some stuff on my own." I burned my tongue with another large gulp of coffee. "What's happened here?"

Ella didn't seem the least bit fazed. "We made the deal with Revolve clothing happen! Oh Carmen, it was in part the sales campaign you pitched that influenced their decision. It was amazing sweetie, they're in love with it."

I smiled weakly. "I'm so glad."

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Call him. Call him. Call him.

For what? Why? It was done, we were done.

I plopped my head on the desktop, grabbing my phone and looking up to dial. Zach and Ella were out for lunch and I'd decided to hide out in the office and nibble on some protein bar. My stomach wasn't much for food anyways.

I ended the call before it rang twice. Why did I insist on torturing myself?

Ending it like that is so cowardly. You left him a voicemail for gods sakes. Talk about cold.

We'd been doing badly anyways. This was the culmination of a ton of events that had set us farther and farther apart and why had it seemed to make so much sense yesterday when I'd gotten home but now I felt heavy?

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Van:

"She broke up with you?"

"Bondy man, your phrasing is just, not the best." Benji shoved him away. I stared numbly at the cup of tea in front of me, unable to respond. "Van mate, wasn't this what you wanted?"

"When did I ever say I wanted this?" I slammed a fist on the table. They shared a look, only pissing me off further.

"You said it yourself, you wanted to be commitment free by the time we began touring." Bondy spoke up softly, looking at his feet.

I stood up, shoving the table back. The guys leaned back in surprise, protesting when some of the stuff on the table clattered on the ground. "Where are you going?" Benji asked.

I ignored them all and strode towards the front door.

The cold air hit me square in the face once I stepped out of the building. People shoved past me, and I pushed forward, not caring who I hit. "Ay, watch out you twat!"

I crossed my arms and moved forward, staring ahead. My phone remained in my pocket, and I was aching for her to call me. To tell me everything was ok.

But a part of me knew that it wasn't something to take lightly. Why now? Why did she do this now, when I could see her so plainly in my future, enjoying this life with me?

What did I do? Was it because of the kiss? Was it because I didn't pay attention to her when she needed it? Did she think I put the album and my music over her? Was it Abby?

I felt my phone begin to vibrate. I reached for it quickly, slumping back when I saw it wasn't her.

"What?"

"Van."

"What is it?"

"What's wrong?" Abby's voice was small on the other end.

"None of your bloody damn business that's what." I pressed end and pushed my phone deeper into my pocket, walking towards the lit up sign of the pub at the corner street I knew so well.

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Carmen:

He didn't call anymore. Was he still waiting for me to call? And for what? To yell at me? To beg me?

Van was never much of the begging type. I looked up and saw Zach studying me, but he averted his eyes quickly. It was a bit annoying to have him looking at me like that. I wanted to say something, but then I realized I was moody and full of bitterness. Surely I wasn't going to take it out on my boss.

I stepped outside of the office and walked to the restroom, passing a couple of familiar faces who greeted me more cheerfully than I did.

I hid in the stall for a couple of minutes, dabbing at my eyes and staring at my phone.

It lit up and my breath hitched when I saw Van's name.

I stabbed answer so quickly I didn't even have time to reprimand myself.

"Hello?"

"S'about time you answered."

I shut my eyes at Van's slur, feeling a flash of anger through my stomach. "Van."

"So you're done with me? Done for good?"

"You know, we're not...we're not the best anymore."

"Do you really think that? Or are you just saying that because there's someone else?"

"What?"

"You heard me!" There was a clink on his end. "Is it Zach? Are you leaving me for him?"

"Van, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"Don't call me stupid. I should call you stupid. I should tell you how much I hate you now, how I can't even think about your face right now because I feel so fucking letdown." He hissed. I shut my eyes again, rubbing my temple and trying to fight the tears. "But I can't tell you that because I fucking love you and you know that because that's why you're doing this to me now. Because you want to cause me pain right? Is it because of Abby?"

"It's always about Abby for you. You think about her and bring her up more than I ever have." I said.

"Don't bring me that shit. Right well you brought her up at the worst times, always looking for a fight. So tell me, it's about her?"

"It's about a lot of things."

"Make me a goddamn list so I can rest a little better than." He spat out.

"I think you should stop drinking."

"I think you don't have the damn right to tell me what or what not to do. I would've been so good to you Carmen."

The line went dead.

"Carmen?" Zach said when I walked back inside the office.

"Yes?"

"Your eyes are red. Are you alright?"

I felt like I'd heard that question a thousand times by now. "I'm fine." I sat at my desk and went back to designing ads, half of the time working and half of the time looking at the clock.

Zach caught up to me when I was leaving. He jammed his hands in his pockets as he settled in next to me, only reaching to push his hair back. "So are you heading home?"

"Yup."

"Ok, well here's the thing. You looked like shit today."

I laughed dryly, but laughed nevertheless. He smiled a tiny bit but then looked serious again. I pulled to a stop outside the door to the headquarters. "Isn't what you just did harassment?"

"No, it's me being a good person. Honestly, I thought Ella was going to say something because of some girl code or something, but I guess not. So I'll tell you. I feel like this isn't even the first time I've seen you in a bad state though. Is everything ok?"

"Everything's.....not the best. I don't know what to tell you, you're like my boss."

"But you're also like, my friend. And I don't know if you see me as one, but I do, so that's why I'm here." He shrugged. "And maybe it's too personal, so I don't know, just tell me if you ever need someone to talk to, or get hungover with, cause it seems to me that you're a natural at that type of stuff."

I laughed shortly again, momentarily less sad. "That's an insult I think."

"I swear it's not. Did you eat today?"

"I, yeah." I nodded weakly.

"You're lying. Are you driving?"

"Yes."

"We're getting some food in your system first."

"That's not necessary." My stomach grumbled without warning, it was an annoying interruption.

"I'm going to get a burger down the street, you're welcome to join me." He shrugged and began walking to the crossing. He turned around for a second and smiled thinly at me.

I wrapped my jacket and walked after him. He waited for me.

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I looked down at the burger, grabbing a fry and stuffing it in my mouth.

"How'd you come up with the campaign for Revolve? It looked more thought out then some of the stuff I've seen from people working longer in the field." Zach spoke up, taking a sip from his cup.

"Just, um, paying attention to the pattern in their own ads. They're big on vintage looking scenery and their stuff is not vintage. They did this ad two years ago that incorporated this really beautiful fifties pool party vibe and it stuck out to me."

"So you copied it?"

"Not outright, I was influenced by it." I smiled thinly, remembering that I'd run into the ad while on the phone with Van. He'd told me the exact same thing when I told him about my idea, saying he'd have to bail me out if I was sued for copyright violation.

I pushed my burger away, standing up.

"You didn't even eat."

"I'll um, take it with me. I'm not so hungry. But I'll see you later, tomorrow. I'll see you tomorrow." I walked in a daze.

"Carmen! You're forgetting your burger." Zach stood up, handing me the paper basket with my food.

"Oh yeah, thanks."

"I could get you a bag if you want."

"I'll get one."

"I'm closer to the door."

I awkwardly hovered near the table and waited for him to come back. "Thanks."

"Are you sure you're fine?"

I dodged the question now. "See you tomorrow Zach."

"See you."

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Van:

"Tomorrow, Beats with Zane Lowe. Eight am, you lads are on and you are going to kill it." Rich clapped a hand down my shoulder. I nodded and went back to looking at the design of the cover, scrolling my name in the corner.

"Van, don't mess with our copy lad. It's being sent out to printing tomorrow for posters."

"You can't even see it." I mumbled. "Listen Rich is this all you wanted to see us for? I've got a wicked headache and I'd like to be a little better for tomorrow."

"Sure Van, go sleep it off." I stood up, not too far to hear Rich joke about me becoming a diva already to Benji.

I got into the flat first and shut myself off in the bedroom, leaving the door open just in case Benji wanted to come in. He probably wouldn't, but still.

My conversation with Carmen last night played like a broken record in my mind. She was so bitter, I was so bitter. We were a match made.

"How about I change? How about you love me again?" I whispered at my pillow as I buried my face in it again. "How about it Carmen?"

I'm emo and I don't even know why. Oh wait yeah, this chapter.