Van:

"Hi hello, good morning babe, it's noon." I bent down over her, planting a big ol' kiss on her forehead. She turned away from me, burying herself in the sheets. "You want me to dive in and pull you out then?" I snaked my hands in through the sheets, gently grasping her waist.

"Van, stop." Her tone was serious, tired. She'd been weird since yesterday, when she'd showed up late and mumbled some excuse of going off to explore. She'd barely reacted to what I said, to when I touched her. She pulled away quickly from my grasp, her eyes clouded over. She was distracted, and I couldn't fathom why.

Now she kicked the covers away and stood up, adjusting her clothes and walking over to her suitcase. Silence surrounded us and I couldn't stand it. "So whattaya want to do today? I've got the whole day off and I just want to spend it with my girl."

"Oh really?" She asked bitterly. "Do you really want to spend it with me? Wouldn't you rather go out with your friends?"

I stiffened. "I thought you liked the guys."

"I do. It wasn't them I was talking about, but whatever."

"You can't just say something mysterious and expect me to drop it." She took her shirt off and slipped into another one, not bothering to answer. "Carmen." I walked up to her and rested both hands on her shoulders. She stiffened, actually stiffened, underneath me. "Come on then, tell me what's wrong."

She was quiet for a second."I uh, I messed up on something. For work. I thought I had it all figured out, that I'd done so great. That it was so great. And I just realized yesterday...Nevermind, it's stupid." She still hadn't looked at me. My heart ached for her.

"Darling I'm sure it's nothing. And if something went wrong then you can make it right on the next try. Don't bother yourself with it."

She stepped forward, kicking off her shorts. "I just really wanted things to work. But it's like fate doesn't want it to happen."

"Honey it's just work." I said, worried. "You'll get more chances."

She shrugged, moving towards the door quickly. "You're right."

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Carmen:

I felt like everytime I smiled at Van my face would crack. He didn't notice a thing, simply grabbing my hand and leading me around town.

"And this is where the magic happens." He waved a hand at a tall glass building. He smiled down at me and I felt a jolt of pain at my ribs because his face was so bright and I never realized that when he smiled so widely his eyes looked a thousand times lighter.

"Amazing." I stuttered, trying not to look at Van more than what he was showing me.

"Yeah?" He looked at me as if trying for my approval. He didn't care about it though, not really. Did he really even care about me? Or was he just stringing me along until he moved on to someone else?

Unwanted images swirled around my head. Van smiling down at Abby like he did at me. Kissing her nose, wrapping his hands around her, calling her babe and sugar. It made my gut twist.

"Yeah huh." I said absentmindedly, turning around and looking out into the street. Cars whizzed past, the clouds gray and hiding the sun.

"Are you hungry? Cause I'm starved." He tried to lock his hand around mine. I tried and follow him, but all I wanted to do was yank my hand away and demand he tell me the truth.

But I wasn't going to.

I wasn't going to let this go, how could I? It's not like he'd missed my birthday or something like that. He had kissed another girl, allowed himself to fully engulf himself in her, and hadn't been bothered to think about me.

It might have sounded childish to some, I mean, it's not like he'd slept with her right?

Just thinking about that possibility made me want to vomit. But I couldn't just bring it up: he would deny and deny. So for now I just let the thought consume me quietly. While he smiled and showed me around the town.

"How about..." He twisted his face, thinking.

I wanted to go back and sleep. Homesickness washed over me in waves. I'd been in love with this place because I was in love with Van and being here with him. And now that it seemed like I didn't even have him to turn to, then I missed being back home, in my apartment. Where I could shut off in my room or hide out in the living room with Jesse and eat a pizza. I even missed my work, sitting in that office with Zach across from me and Ella next to me.

A gust of wind suddenly whipped harshly against my face. I licked my lips and studied the concrete.

"Carmen. Did you hear me?"

"Yeah that's fine."

"I asked if you were feeling alright. You look a little sick." He put his hand on my forehead, looking worried.

I don't know why he had to feign worry like that. It was all fake, it wasn't real. If he'd really cared then he wouldn't be running around kissing "friends". And it sounded so damn childish how mad I was getting and that only pissed me off even more.

"I think I'm coming down with something. Can we go back to your flat?" I asked.

"Sure thing babe. I can run down and get us something really quick."

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My first thought was to lock myself in Van's room and not come out until the next day, using it as an excuse to not have to talk or look at Van.

He left with the promise of being back in a few minutes, and I laid down on his bed, pulling the sheets up to my chin and curling up.

I wanted to go, I wanted to just forget that this happened and go back to how things were and how nice it felt when Van rubbed his fingers against mine. I wanted to go back to the states and let Van believe things were ok until I couldn't take it anymore and stopped answering his calls. I wanted to greet Van with accusations and angry tears and make him feel bad, if he even would. But I wanted to stop feeling so much for him like I did, because though I should've been hellbent on making him mad and guilty and whatnot, the only thing I cared about was finding out if he even felt the same that he did before.

"Honey I'm home." He said sweetly, the door sliding open. My back was still to him and my mind was heavily occupied, so just thinking about having a meal and a conversation with him was out of the question. So I faked deep breathing and didn't move. I heard the slight creak of the floor as he walked towards me, and the sheet being pulled to my chin with the finale of a soft kiss to my temple.

Now I actually did feel sick.

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Van:

I ate soup standing over the sink, swallowing a piece of dry bread and leaving the spoon in the container. I listened for any sounds from Carmen, stopping just outside the bedroom door and peering in to see her still cocooned under the sheets. Her back was to me.

"Mum, I'm sorry again for not being able to meet ya. Carmen, she got sick and so now we're back home. Maybe tomorrow or the day after? Call me back and let me know what's good with you and dad."

We were supposed to meet my parents today. It was spur of the moment, but I'd been looking forward to it. Especially seeing my mum make a big deal about Carmen. Because she was a big deal. But now this had happened and I bet it was cause she was out last night exploring.

I hunched over the sofa and looked through my phone. The guys had gone down to a soccer match and had been spamming me with pictures and cheeky messages about how I would've loved to be there. In truth I would have, but I knew Carmen wasn't a fan of sports so I didn't want to drag her down there with me.

Her being sick explained the deal with the sudden change of attitude. Maybe it had also been brought on by whatever work crisis she'd talked about earlier. I wanted to be with her and make her feel better, but I didn't know what to say.

Abby: Van we need to talk

The banner made me stop typing a response to Benji.

Abby: You didn't even acknowledge what I said yesterday and I get it but then I don't so talk to me????

I froze. Yesterday I hadn't been home until late, and Abby hadn't stopped by then?

Yesterday?

Abby: Yes Van when I apologized for the kiss but you wouldn't even open the door for me I'm sure you remember but ok try and not to remember that's fine

Abby: I don't want to stop being friends over this

I can't be friends with you if you feel like that towards me

Abby: I told you, I'll get over it

Abby: I need to see you face to face so meet me?

I can't

She called then, my ringtone vibrating shrilly throughout the room. I cringed, worried that Carmen would wake up immediately and come see what all the fuss was about. I answered, bringing the phone to my ear.

"Abby"-

"Van I think you're a cool lad and I know it was dumb and when I went back home all I could think about was how bloody dumb it was that I'd done that, because you obviously don't feel the same and I know it, and well, that's it." She took a sharp intake of breath.

"I can't be friends with you like this. Do you know how this would look to someone on the outside? And I get your family is friends with my family but I can't do it. In respect to my relationship, and my girlfriend."

"But I have fun with you. And you have fun with me, admit it! I get that we need some space to let this die out, but scouts honor I'll never bring it up again."

"You're right, we can't talk much or hang out again while this hangs over our head. Give me some space and I'll let you know." I hung up the phone, dropping it and sitting back on the couch. That little conversation had planted the seeds of a headache at my temple, and I wanted nothing much than to go join Carmen in bed.

I wonder when Abby had shown up yesterday. Maybe she was just lying. But who was I kidding, Abby was a lot of things, but she wasn't much of a liar.

I stood up, walking over to the bedroom. Carmen lay practically in the same position, but this time she did face me.

I didn't feel as much guilt about Abby, for what? I didn't feel for her in a way that would call for guilt. But the action alone of that small kiss was one I'd rather never think of. And if Carmen ever found out, I'm sure she'd be majorly pissed off at me. In fact, I can't even think of what she would do.

But she would never know. And we would carry on like usual.

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Carmen:

I woke up with sweat running down my forehead. I felt feverish, probably due to the piles of blankets Van had piled on top of me. I kicked them away, sitting up and blinking in the darkened room.

It must've been the middle of the night or early dawn. Van's sleeping figure was facing the wall, his head bent away from me.

I studied him, the paleness of his back, trying to get my thoughts together.

He shifted and I pressed myself back against the mattress, hearing his body move against the sheets as he inched closer towards me. And then he stilled again.

I got up quickly, walking towards the window. The sky was a mess of blues and purples, with a bit of orange peeking through farther on. I pressed my face against the glass, wrapping my arms around myself and making up my mind.

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"Van."

"Hmmm?" He looked at me over his mug. The guys had gone down to some market for scones.

I opened and closed my mouth. "What's the plan for today?"

"Figured we could go down to Oxford, it's an hour drive. Maybe walk around, catch a bite?" I reached forward and pushed his hair back.

"Sounds like a plan."

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It drizzled on the way there.

Van was a chaotic driver, but now I didn't pay much attention to it. I stared out the window, biting my thumbnail.

Tell him you know. Just do it.

I didn't.

I held his hand as we walked, stopping myself from gripping it tightly.

We went to a blur of different places, taking pictures, doing the obligatory touristy stuff. I found myself studying him at different times, glancing away when his eyes snapped to me.

"Hungry?"

"Yeah I admitted."

"I know just the place."

We drove to a small homey looking place, with an old sign hanging above the door that read, "Mary's".

"What do they have here?"

Van looked thoughtful for a second. "No clue. But why don't we ask that couple sitting in the booth over there?"

I frowned as he lead me towards the last booth on the right, settling in to the seat.

"Fancy meeting you here mum and dad."

I froze, glancing at the beaming couple.

"Darling you look stunned! Van stop pulling pranks like that." The woman glanced at Van in disapproval. "I thought she knew you were meeting us. Honey, nice to meet you, I'm Mary." The woman smiled.

I composed myself. "Oh hi, so glad to meet you. I didn't even, Van didn't tell me." Van smiled innocently.

I greeted Van's dad, who looked just as cheery as his wife. We sat down and Mary launched into a conversation with me and where I was from.

"You work in Fashion? You can teach Van how to dress then." She laughed loudly. I couldn't help but laugh with her.

"Oy!" Van exlaimed.

"Shhhh." Mary shushed him and he shut up instantly, looking like a scolded little kid.

We ate and talked. I learned more about the McCanns and asked questions; they did the same.

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Van:

Carmen excused herself to use the restroom.

"She's precious." My mum whispered as Carmen disappeared down the hall. "So thoughtful and polite."

My dad nodded his agreement. "I know." I smiled.

"And she doesn't put up a fuss with all the touring you're about to do. I don't know how she does it, if it were me I'd be throwing it in your face every minute of the day."

"Ma." I said. "Besides, it's all to get you that jacuzzi."

"Bachgen." She shook her head, her accent poking through. I know she didn't care much for English. "You're a good one, and now you found another good one."

"I know mum."

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Carmen:

The ride back to the flat was quiet. Not awkward, just quiet. I was buzzing from having met Van's parents because that was important. It meant I had to mean more to him than any other girl right? No matter who he kissed.

That's a fucked up mentality to have. It's all good as long as he's taking you to meet mom and dad right?

My thoughts were vicious, my own mind coming after me.

I went into the flat and said hi to the guys, sitting next to Bob. Van squished in next to me, practically folding his leg over mine.

"Long day?" Bob asked.

"A little bit, just tired is all." I replied, fighting back a yawn.

"Want a drink?"

"Did someone say drink?" Bondy yelled from the other sofa. "Share some of the wealth Bobby."

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I woke up early the next morning. Van's grip was strong against me, but I managed to slide out of it.

I was leaving tomorrow, and though part of me was upset, I couldn't deny that a part of me felt strangely...relieved.

Are you relieved? You'll be leaving him alone for whatever girl wants to snatch him up. Abby probably.

I bit my nail, sitting up at the end of the bed and studying the carpet.

You can never really own a person. Van can do whatever he wants, see whoever he wants. Kiss whoever he wants, and do much more with WHOEVER he wants.

I stood up, walking towards the window. Tears were forming in my eyes, and everything was so stupid. And I was being stupid, and Van had been stupid, and Abby well, I didn't know her but she'd been stupid too. Because I was turning into a ball of self doubt and stress because of one damn kiss.

It's a kiss and then it turns into something more. And then he'll start ignoring your calls, and some girl will answer when you finally get through. He'll touch someone else and touch someone else, and you'll have nothing left to do with him.

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"I know."

Van looked at me over his plate. We'd grabbed a sandwich at some shop, and I couldn't take it any longer.

"What do you mean Carmen?"

"I know about Abby. I know you kissed." I dropped my uneaten sandwich back down again, no longer bothering to hide my lack of appetite.

He quieted for a second. "She kissed me. I pushed her away."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because it's not something I can just slip into a conversation."

I quieted for a second. Was he getting angry at me? "If Zach kissed me"-

"If Zach kissed you? Really Carmen?" Van pushed his plate away, his voice rising. "I get it, I messed up because I didn't tell you, but you making up some bullshit scenario won't do anything"-

"Do not talk to me as if you have any reason to be angry at me Van."

"It was a kiss! One that I didn't initiate."

"Are you going to see her again?"

"Her family is friends with mine." He muttered.

"Are you going to see her again?"

"She'll get over it!" He burst out. "What don't you trust me?" He leaned forward, eyes widening. "Don't you?"

I slumped back on the chair, massaging my temples. "I don't want to fight about this Van."

"Well then why did you bring it up?" He took a bite and then dropped his sandwich. He stood up, pulling his jacket close around him and yanking out some crumpled bills from his pocket. "Let's go."

I followed.

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Van:

"And when you wrap me 'round your fingers baby....and you make me do that shit that I'd never do....." I dropped the guitar, sliding off the couch and into the ground. I kicked the coffee table away and grabbed my guitar again, plucking my hands through the string mindlessly. The noises were anything but musical, but I needed some distracting noise to fill my thoughts.

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Carmen:

I cried on the airplane. Actually cried.

Our goodbyes to each other were stiff with awkward smiles. Van was tense the whole time, and even though he loosened up a bit when he had his arms wrapped around me and his lips against my hair, I knew that there were some things better left unsaid.

For another time at least.

I was mad at him, he probably didn't even realize. I was mad at myself, and I was mad at our situation. Because it seemed like we couldn't go a couple of days without arguing.

And this recent argument hadn't done anything to help.

He didn't really apologize. He got defensive. He could never really tell when something was really wrong. Even if it seemed small, insignificant, not worth the trouble.

I knew he would be gone soon, touring the world.

And I thought of the strain it would put to our already strained relationship. When things went right it was the rarest form of paradise, but as of late those moments didn't last long, and there were more arguments than good times.