《》Ashes To Ashes
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Here's a challenge. I am, of course, your favorite funnyperson (aren't I???) around these parts.
Well, I recently received a reader request to do a FUNERAL scenario.
Funerals aren't funny, y'all! My first instinct was to say "Ashes to ashes, funk to funky, any attempt at this will be junky..." but then, hey. You guys know nobody is up for a challenge like me.
Once again, I play like a champion...and dressed in all-black like an '80s Bauhaus fan, I begin the procession...
-They are good-hearted boys (even if Killua is a spoiled Zoldyck brat), so they assume grave (ha!) expressions and recite polite condolences to everyone at the gathering
-Privately, they are annoyed they had to take showers and get dressed up in their best clothes
-Try hard to sit still and behave, but even death can't stop them from getting restless and wriggling around when the service runs a bit too long
-(In a whisper) "Want to take a bet on how many dead people I've seen?"
-(Whispers back) "You're an assassin, dipshit. No."
-Has PTSD (understandably)
-Don't make him go; it's cruel
-Sign his name to a lovely floral arrangement and leave it at that
-Leorio is studying to be a doctor, so he's had to take those psych classes where doctors learn how to break horrible news to family members
-Is very comforting and says all the right things
-Privately can't wait to pour himself a stiff one after it's all over
-My lover's got humor, he's a giggle at a funeral, knows everybody's disapproval, should have worshipped him sooner
-Sits there with an impassive expression on his face
-In short: Same old, same old
-He looks good, though. His suit is bespoke and probably cost a normal person's yearly salary
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-"We have a little problem. The stupid groundskeeper cheaped-out on labor and they didn't dig the grave deep enough to make six feet...Illumi? Mind lending a hand?"
-This is Chrollo we are talking about okay?
-His idea of a funeral is fake-conducting a requiem from a skyscraper while his employees annihilate a city's population
-Maybe you should just not mention where you are going to him. Maybe you should just tell him you're going to meet your friends for dinner, or something. If he asks why you are wearing all black, say you're feeling fat.
-To your surprise, he manages to squeeze out a few tears
-"Are you sad?"
-"I feel most sorry for them"
-Chrollo didn't believe you when you said you were going out to dinner, so he dispatched Shalnark to find out the truth about what's going on
-You end up having to fork over a hundred bucks bribe to keep his mouth shut, which is really such a gauche way to end what is a very solemn and holy occasion
-"If you tell him the truth, I'm sending Hisoka after your ass, I swear."
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