"I'm so sorry Alina." He said, his voice barely above a whisper.

His damp hair was soaking through my shirt, but I didn't care. I stroked his head as he spoke.

"Why are you apologizing to me?" I asked.

He sat up straight, taking his hair from my lap. "I'll start from the beginning."

I nodded, biting my lip. Jay was opening up to me, and I was wary of my actions, for if I somehow blew this I felt that there would be no do-over.

"When I first met you I was an asshole to you." He began. I saw Jay fidgeting with a loose thread on his sweatpants. He looked ahead as I began to gently stroke his dark hair with my free hand. "Because you reminded me of every good thing I once used to have."

I nearly gasped. "How?" I said softly.

"You reminded me of all of the great friends I used to have. You were sweet and smart and I pushed you away. You reminded me, and still do, of my mom. She-she died a couple of years ago and that was the last time I remember anyone caring about me in the slightest. I hadn't even thought about my mom in so long because I couldn't bear it--like my mind had decided to evade the thought because it would hurt."

I was so shocked by all of this. I remembered the day Jay stayed somewhere over night and Britt had come over. When I picked up the photo of a young Jay and the blonde woman, that was his real mom.

"I wanted to avoid you as much as possible but then you were always there and I found myself unable to resist. I liked who you were. You're stunning but you also had this amazing personality, which was also a reminder of my mom. I hated it but loved it all at the same time. As I got to know you, I realized you were a lot different from my mom, but also very similar to her. I know you are Alina. And perhaps you came into my life because I needed you. You're a good reminder of my mom, even though that is now faint. Had you not invoked any feeling in me besides lust, I feel like I might have let you slip through my fingers."

That was a lot to take in. It was sweet, how he was opening up to me and I didn't know that this side of Jay existed. Him being so thoughtful and intelligent made me like him even more.

"And I'd been such a dick to you so many times." He choked up at this part. "And I slept with your best friend. What kind of asshole does that?" He shifted beneath my hand. "I was so drunk I really don't remember anything but I still feel so bad nonetheless. I'm so sorry, Alina."

I hugged him even tighter. "It's okay." I said. I would let it go. Besides, there was a small detail he didn't know and it kind of irked me now that I really though about it.

"Erin was sober. She probably had a drink or two but other than that she was fine. I feel like she took advantage of you." I sighed. "I told you not to go with her but you said you wanted to and at the moment I felt that there was no stopping you. I'm sorry for that. I let her take advantage of you."

He turned around and looked at me. Then he gently shook his head. "I have sex all the time. It's fine. You were hurt more than I was."

"But there's more to you than just a source for sex. And perhaps if you weren't so drunk you might not have slept with her."

"In all honesty, I probably would not have. Either way I still feel like shit. Only for hurting you."

I bit my lip. "I hurt you too. I kissed Griffin and even though he initiated it and you walked in at the wrong moment, I still regret it."

This was the most honest and raw talk I'd had with anyone in a while. I certainly didn't expect to have this conversation with Jay Von Baron. Griffin and I didn't talk like this either. He would never tell me anything and eventually we slipped away from one another.

It was his turn to pull me in. "People fuck up all the time. He fucked up, you did a little bit but I don't even care anymore. And Ill fix my mistakes too."

"With you, I worry sometimes." I said.

"How come?" He began chewing his lip.

"Because of your tendencies. You drink and lose control and then sleep with someone and it turns into this cycle. You've probably slept with at least five girls ever since I've stayed with you."

"I won't do that anymore, I promise." He said. "It's a toxic cycle I want to get rid of. I've had enough and you make me happier than anything else. And I'd be willing to wait for you as long as you need in regards to you-know-what."

I was surprised. That was the exact answer I'd hoped to get from Jay. I just needed him to stick with his promise, but I had a feeling that he would.

"So what does this mean now?"

"I'm not sure yet. But I know that I want to spend time with you, be with you, and drop eveything that is toxic to me. Before the night in Texas when I got so angry, I'd been sober for a while. I didn't need it anymore. You make me so much better as a man. I wouldn't throw that away for a one night stand. It's just different with you, I don't know. I treat girls with decent respect most of the time and I ask for consent before having sex but with you I want to do more. More as in face my fear of flying and go to our hometown, meet your friends, and spend my summer with you. Normally I'd spend my free time getting drunk or high with this group of friends I met freshman year--but that's another story for another day. Anyways, without getting too sappy here, it's better with you."