______________________________

Although the feeling is foreign, I am at ease,

Free to live however I please

Life is now like a summer breeze,

Even with this damn disease,

You stay beside me

Making me happy is your expertise

So please continue whispering those sweet guarantees,

That even with times of jeopardy,

I will eventually return to that sweet feeling of ease

______________________________

"Say 'ah,'" I order, prodding the blond's lips with the fork.

He blushes and backs away from his side of the booth. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because I know you're hungry, little Tobes."

Toby plays with his hair, looking at the pasta with an expression of confusion. He seems to be at a crossroads. During history, I heard his stomach growl, noticed how his cheeks don't have the same youthful roundness they once did. He doesn't look malnourished, but he doesn't look properly nourished either.

"You didn't have to get me food, Charlie," he says lightly, tucking his hair behind his ear.

I ruffle his hair. "I know, but we're friends, right?"

He nods and chews on his bottom lip until it starts to redden and plumpen up a bit. Toby looks between the dish and me before slowly parting his lips, welcoming the food.

Cooing, I feed him some of the pasta and then give him the fork once he makes grabby hands.

"You should let me treat you more," I note and the blond puffs his cheeks up and shakes his head, shoveling more food into his mouth.

"Nevah evah," he says childishly. "You're only barely older than me."

I chuckle and lean back in my seat, watching my friend clear the plate before going to the salad, drinking gulps of chocolate milk in between. He's adorable.

"FOUND HIM!"

Whipping around, I see Carmen standing in the cafeteria doorway with a phone to her ear and looking directly at me. She says a few more things quietly before hanging up the phone and waving at me with a wink.

Cocking my head to the side, I wave back.

"Do you want anything else?" I ask Toby and he looks at the empty glass with puppy eyes.

"Okay, okay," I say, standing up and grabbing the cup. I head to get him a refill and check to see where Carmen is.

She's gone now and in the doorway I can see Ethan heading in with a big smile. He comes over to us and slings an arm around me. "Hey, baby. Toby."

I kiss my boyfriend and rest my head against him as Toby looks at us with heart eyes, waving at Ethan excitedly.

Ethan ruffles his hair. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I? I was hoping to pick you up early." He kisses my temple.

Toby shakes his head. "I have somewhere to go after this anyway. It's nice to see you."

I hand the teen his milk and he lets out a giggle before drinking it.

"Charlie," Ethan pets me. "Would you like to go on a little date this afternoon? I think you deserve it."

My eyes light up and I hug him. "That sounds fun!" I nuzzle my face into his chest.

"Sure does." He smirks. "I need a big refresher, Xan keeps sexting me."

"Eeew." I groan and grab my bag, kissing the top of Toby's head before squishing his cheeks. "See you later, pretty baby."

He scowls with a blush. "See you later, Charlie."

"Bye bye, Buttercup." Ethan winks at Toby as well, grabbing his bag as he stands up.

"Goodbye, Ethan." Toby waves and stabs at a tomato.

"How's he doing?" Ethan asks me as we exit.

"Skinnier." I scowl.

"I wonder what's going on with him." Ethan sighs. "At least he's got you to take care of him." He nuzzles into me like a puppy.

Humming, I walk in step with him. "What will this date entail, Superstar?"

"A beautiful outdoor environment, food, and lots of lovey-dovey mushiness."

"Aww, I wanna contribute to that vibe."

"You are." Ethan giggles and opens the car door for me. "It's not far if you want to walk but I've got some stuff to carry."

"Whatever is easiest." I step inside and look at my bag, debating.

"We'll drive." He gets in and holds my hand on the way. He looks really good today, even after attending all his classes as if he's upkept his look all day which is something he never bothers with.

When we arrive at the park he gets out, opens the door for me again, then pulls a picnic basket out of the trunk with a goofy grin.

Giggling, I hold my journal to my chest. "A picnic!"

"Hell yeah!" Ethan grins. "Food all made by yours truly without the use of a stove! So it will actually taste good." He grabs my hand, interlacing our fingers. "Wanna set up by the lake?"

I nod and blush. "Y-Yeah. It reminds me of that party by the pool."

"The one where you pushed me into the pool." He corrects then leans in close. "Then topped the hell out of me afterwards."

"Hell yeah, I did." I lean in closer.

"I'm so glad I fell in love with you." He says, eyes shining. "And you, me."

My hand moves to cup his face. "Me too. I'm glad I have you."

"Forever." Ethan whispers and kisses me gently.

I kiss back before pulling away, biting my lip. "You're so mushy. Your warning was warranted."

He grins. "I hope it's not too much mush. If you need me to threaten to take you out back and beat your ass again, I can definitely do that." He chuckles and sets down the basket before spreading out the picnic blanket, a purple and black one that I've never seen before. In the corner, our initials are stitched into it inside a heart.

"You..." I run my fingers over the stitching before looking at him.

"My mom helped." He blushes. "I bought the blanket but the stitching we did ourselves."

Eyes welling up, I hug him. "You're so perfect."

"I could say the same for you." He sits down. "I thought you deserved something for getting off watch and making so much progress."

"Thank you." I move closer to him and grab my journal, swallowing. "Speaking of being off watch..."

"Yes, baby?" Ethan asks, taking my hand again.

My hands start to get clammy and I clench my eyes shut, regulating my breathing. "Can I show you something?"

"Absolutely, Charlie, anything." He answers, his thumb rubbing the back of my hand reassuringly.

Slowly, I open my journal to the day I met Ethan and place the book in his hands. "This is the first poem I wrote when I met you. If you read on, you can see how my feelings grew, even when I was too scared to tell you."

Everyday, I wear a mask

I have a collection of them

They're my dirty little secrets,

These masks of mine,

My guilty little pleasures

But there's more of one kind than the other

I have a bunch of smiles, you see,

But none of them are truly mine

The happiness never really reaches my eyes—

I wear a face of lies

Ethan takes it and reads, frowning softly. When he reaches lighter poems, he smiles a little, his expressions changing with the tones of the words as he reads through the past year of my deepest thoughts.

"Charlie..." he whispers. "These are so...intimate. Beautiful. Seeing that you cared for me written in the words you thought at the time it was happens, when I thought you'd never love me and I needed to get over my stupid crush....seeing your struggle with both of your feelings and thinking you couldn't show them to me because of your depression...you have no idea how much this all means to me. Thank you for trusting me enough to show me these, this part of yourself. It feels sacred."

"Do you have a favorite?" I ask, voice hushed.

He nods. "A few, actually." He goes through my journal again, holding his fingers in between pages to keep a few places before showing me the first of his favorites.

Ethan, Ethan, Ethan,

Draw me, draw me

Draw me just like you see me,

With faults, quirks, and little imperfections,

All of the things that make me who I am

Don't romanticize me,

Don't draw me to be something I'm not,

Not just something that you want,

Draw me as me

Draw me as Charlie

"I like this one because it's about how you wanted me to see you as you during a time when you couldn't show me the full Charlie. Even though I had inklings of more going on, I didn't fully know how to draw you, as you, until now. And reading this, it makes me proud that we got to this point. That now I know you and I can draw you as Charlie, the full picture." Ethan explains. "Would you like me to now?"

The question makes me blush and I look at the purple fabric of the blanket. "You don't have to do that. You draw me all the time, Ethan."

"You're my muse." He giggles.

"And you're mine." I flit my eyes up at him before returning them to the ground.

"I can see that." He gestures to the pages but kisses my temple gently to reassure me he is still taking the poems seriously.

Blushing, I lean into him. "You can draw me as often as you want, and I'll write about you as often as I want."

"Good." He nods with a small huff. "Now...the next one is heavy. It isn't a favorite, but I just wanted to talk about it."

I was a moonchild,

A lost child with dreams of something grand,

Exploring the terrain of Neverland

In this land, I met a boy,

Oh, I met this boy,

He too was on the moon and brought me nothing but joy

We were just kids,

Playing cowboy wranglers and pirates at sea,

But together is something we could not be

I flew to the moon,

We flew to the moon,

We ran, we jumped, we soared

But the boy, my boy, he just wanted to be more,

But I wasn't ready to grow up

I have lead in my shoes

This boy was filled with helium,

Uplifting

But I couldn't, no, I can't keep up

I want to be with him,

But I'm stuck,

Boy, I am stuck

And you left me

I didn't want to hold you back,

But I didn't think you'd really do that,

Our days of playing pretend,

Our memories meaning nothing to you in the end

I loved you then

I love you now

But I can't grow up

I flew to the moon,

Just to be brought down to Earth

I'm sick of crying,

I'm sick of trying...

"It starts off so beautiful. The metaphors are what really drew me in, but then it gets darker and darker. It feels really powerful and like the one before, it shows me your inner thoughts, your feelings and your reasonings. It's a work of art, but it's also your reality."

He looks at me. "I feel guilty for leaving you...I did want more but overall, I just wanted you to be happy. If you really didn't like me, I wouldn't have pushed, but I knew you felt something more for me too but wouldn't let us share that together." He sighs.

"That was why I was so frustrated, because I knew without knowing, and I wanted to know, but you weren't ready to tell me. And then you..." He touches the date. "Your attempt was not long after you wrote this and seeing you blaming yourself...it destroys me. I hope you never feel this way again, no, I'll make it so you'll never have to feel this way again."

I run my fingers through his hair. "That isn't your responsibility."

He leans into me. "I know, but I want to. At least help. I'm protective, my most basic instincts are to protect and cherish. Please, it's not a burden. It's who I am."

"Just remember," I poke his chest gently, "you're my boyfriend, not my therapist."

Ethan nods. "I'll remember. I promise. And I'll take time for myself if I need it. I love you."

"And I love you." I lean in and kiss him softly.

"Yes, you do." He flips to a new spot and points. "You're obsessed with me. And for the record, I'm just as obsessed with you." He winks with a blush.

When you hear my name, I want you to want me

Charlie Adrian King, Charlie Adrian Dechart

Something so close, yet seemingly unattainable

Yet you know deep down, I'm yours

I want you to want me like I'm royalty

Bow before my feet and tell me you love me

I love you, that much is true

And you know I'm obsessed with you

So I want you to feel this way too

Do I make your heart beat?

Is every touch nothing short of a treat?

Do you want to be beneath me?

The sheer purpose to please me?

Soft, rough, tell me what you want

Slow, fast, cold, and hot

I can be it all

I can flip the switch

Just tell me, Ethan,

Am I worthy of your obsession?

"I want you to know, the answer to every one of these questions is yes." His voice drops, showing both sincerity and arousal from reading my words about him.

Giggling, I shove him. "Oh, shut up. You're such a flirt."

"I'm so serious though." He pouts cutely.

"When my baby is aroused, I just wanna take care of him though." I flutter my eyelashes. "But that would mean the meal my baby made would go ignored. I wouldn't want that."

"That's true." Ethan pecks my lips. "I'll keep it in check, then. To spare you the work."

I chuckle. "I don't mind putting in the work." I lean back on my hands, giving him a slow, weighty glance-over. "But I want to appreciate the work you put in first."

"Then let's do so." He grins, shifting his legs a little before opening the picnic basket. "Unfortunately, I think I told a little lie...I did use the oven for one thing, cupcake."

After pulling out bags of sandwiches, chips, and fruit, Ethan retrieves a small box of two cupcakes, one black but with a big red heart in the middle surrounded by spike-shaped sprinkles, several knocked down. The other is purple, a swirl of both light and dark, with sprinkles covering it so it still shines.

"Pretty." I marvel at the desserts and then him, my smile growing. "You're spoiling me."

"You deserve it." He grins just as wide.

I check my nails. "I suppose I do."

Ethan kisses each finger. "You do."

"Gushy-mushy." I blush and move closer to Ethan. "Shall we eat, Superstar?"

Ethan hums an affirmation and we do start eating, watching the lake glistening in the distance. There aren't many people in the park today, so it's quiet. It really feels like it's just me and him alone in the world right now.

I watch a family of ducks on the water, eyeing Ethan subtly as I imagine us with a family. My cheeks warm up and I smile, basking in the thought.

"So beautiful." Ethan whispers wistfully, as if he's looking upon a goddess, but his brown eyes are fixed on me.

My cheeks darken and I mutter a quiet "thank you" as I feel my pulse so intensely it thrumbs even in my fingertips.

"Walk with me." Ethan takes my hand. "Please?"

"Anything you want." I squeeze his hand and stand close to him before falling in step.

He takes us down to the lake and we walk around it in peaceful silence. Ethan's hand gets sweatier the longer we go until he finally stops back where we started but near a willow tree that blocks out the rest of the park so that it's just us and the lake.

"Charlie," he squeezes my hand.

"Yes?" I cock my head to the side. "Are you okay, baby? You seem nervous." I reach my other hand and grip his chin with a featherlike touch, running my thumb over his bottom lip.

Ethan smiles. "I am okay and I am nervous." He giggles cutely. "Charlie...you've changed my life. Ever since you entered it, my life has been so full of light and beauty, acceptance and release, real, true joy. I was a hotheaded kid, an angsty and angry teen, and a lost adult. But you found me, and with you I found myself. Seeing you every single morning when I wake up and every night before I go to sleep gives me the most satisfaction I've ever felt in my life."

Ethan's eyes shine with love as he continues, "You're my everything, baby. I finally feel happy with where I am, who I am, and I want to stay like this, with you, forever and I know you want it too. Charlie Adrian King, you are beautiful, strong, resilient, kind, compassionate, loyal, loving, brave, creative, smart, sexy as hell, and a damn genius with words. I want everything with you. I want to graduate with you, build a home with you, have kids and raise them with you, so Charlie Adrian King," Ethan gets down on one knee and holds out a small box, opening it to show me a simple engagement ring. "Will you marry me?"

My eyes widen as I stare at him, tears welling in my eyes as one hand grips my heart and the other covers my mouth. Silently, I nod, not trusting my voice as tears finally break free and roll down my cheeks.

Ethan smiles brightly and slowly rises, taking the ring out with one hand while the other takes hold of one of mine. "I love you so much, Charlie, thank you." He giggles a little at my shaky hand and kisses my tears away. "I'm sorry, love. Was it too much?"

Sniffling, I shake my head and smile. I stare at my hand in his before looking up into his eyes, hoping I can portray my love through my gaze and actions since I'm too much of a mess right now. Ethan just proposed to me. And I said yes.

Ethan's body relaxes, signaling that he understands what I'm trying to show him. Maintaining eye contact, he slips the ring onto my ring finger before bringing it to his lips and kissing it once.

I hug him tightly, sobbing quietly into his neck as I use his body as a pillar. My hands bunch up the fabric of his shirt and my body tremors slightly, but I'm happy. I'm perfect.

Ethan rubs my back, pressing all of himself as close to me as possible and sways us gently in the wind. "I love you so much, Charlie. I'm so fucking happy right now, I've never been happier in my life."

Once I've gathered myself a bit, I pull back slightly and look into Ethan's brown eyes, looking at his face. I can see the relief, but I can also see how anxious he was prior. Smiling, I cup his face and rest my forehead against his, looking closely at him before closing my eyes and pressing my lips to his.

Ethan's lips meld with mine as he kisses me back, pouring all of his feelings into it.

I smile into the kiss before breaking away, continuing to hold his face like it's something precious. "I've never been happier either, Ethan."

He smiles. "I'm glad."

Gently, he removes one shoulder of his jacket, then pulls his shirt over a little, pulling me close with his shoulder now exposed. "I'm so glad we both get to have this for the rest of our lives."

I giggle and bite his shoulder gently. "I love you. I'd live an infinite amount of lifetimes with you."

"Me too." Ethan whispers, carding his fingers through my hair.

Purring, I relax under his touches. "I'm so happy. I just wish I knew beforehand that you were going to propose." I pout.