_______________________________

What does it mean?

You push me away,

But you still want to explore

Hesitant hands, hesitant words

When will it all make sense to me?

When will it all make sense to you?

When will you make up your troubled mind?

Please, please,

It's giving me whiplash—

Ethan, if you really want me...

Then take me

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I splash water on my face helplessly, trying to get my face to cool down from its burning red color. My eyes are bloodshot. My body is shaking and my breathing is hard to control. Everything just hurts and it's hard to breathe. He... he made me feel so dirty, so horrible. It fucking hurts.

"I thought I was like... special or wanted and then the next day you go do it with someone else and it just made me feel kinda... like I didn't matter to you at all."

Heartless, I feel heartless. He does matter to me, I just don't want to matter to him.

"Is that all you want from me?"

Bloodshot eyes look into the mirror and all they see is emptiness. I need to feel full, useful. My phone vibrates.

come over @ 12 tomorrow?

My fingers go to reply, but then I get another text message from Ethan. I don't even remember giving him my number, but now that I think about it, I probably gave it to him the first time he came over. I read the message, my eyes scanning it a million times.

hey, so there's this party coming up...

Okay. What about it?

i want you to go. with me.

You sure about that? Want to go to a party with a gay guy?

It takes him a minute to reply.

yes. i'm sure.

when?

: tomorrow night, hannah's house. i'll pick you up at 8.

Does that mean you're not drinking?

: not exactly. but i won't drink and drive. i'll call an uber if i have too.

I'll go because you want me. Don't be late.

♥︎ • ♦︎ • ♣︎ • ♠︎

I blow my hair out of my eye, continuing to flat iron it. Ethan is supposed to be arriving soon, and I'm already pretty much ready. Red combat boots, black ripped skinny jeans, and a white crop top adorn my figure. I brush on a few coats of mascara and apply my favorite chapstick that is flavored like orange fruit snacks before cleaning everything up and decide to write in Ethan's favorite chair until he arrives to take me to some random person's party.

The doorbell rings at exactly eight and I open it to see Ethan, his hair perfectly styled, his stubble lightly trimmed, and two black studs in his ears. He's wearing a black tank top that's a little too big on him so it hangs off his frame and doesn't leave much to the imagination. He's also wearing his usual black skinny jeans, studded belt, and black cowboy boots. He smiles when he sees me. "Hey."

"Hi." I grin.

"You look good." He compliments and extends his arm. "Ready?"

I quirk my left eyebrow and hook my elbow to his. "Yeah."

He leads me out to his car and opens the door for me before getting in himself. "Thanks for coming." He tells me genuinely. "I know you're not exactly thrilled with me right now."

"It's not that. I chose to be with you rather than someone else." I nudge him. "I just feel like I'm not right for you."

"Well, I say you are. So fuck it." He starts the car and we head off.

We drive for a while before I awkwardly attempt conversation. "We're gonna have a good time, right? I can drive us back home, y'know? I can drink at home."

Ethan smiles. "Yeah, okay, sure."

"Nice." I grin.

In another five minutes or so, we're at the house. I look at it for a while before slowly unbuckling. I haven't been to a college party since shortly after my eighteenth birthday.

The house is big, not as big as my family home, but still big enough to be considered well off. There's people strewn across the yard and music blaring. Ethan cringes at the sight but leads me inside anyways.

"You want anything? I can grab us stuff then we can head into one of the quieter rooms if you want." He suggests.

"Uh. Root beer, cream soda, or orange soda, please." I scratch my head and sit down on a couch. "I'll wait here."

Ethan nods and heads to the kitchen.

As soon as he leaves, I find myself surrounded by a pack of wild girls. They're a little close for comfort and the busty redhead keeps eyeing me.

"You're Charlie, right? The gay freshman?"

"I mean, I don't really consider that my defining feature, but yeah, that's me." I shrug.

"Do you want to go to one of the rooms upstairs with us?" Another asks.

"No. I'm fine here. I'm waiting on someone." I pull my phone out and start texting myself to look busy.

The redhead's hand starts rubbing my thigh and I feel my right eye twitch. "You know... I've always wondered what sex with a gay guy was like." She bites her lip.

I blink. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me." Her hand wanders further and she grabs my dick, causing my eyes to widen. She rubs me through the fabric of my jeans and I slap her hand away.

"Hands off the merchandise." I glare.

She pouts.

"You know, I've always wondered what my little brother would look like as a girl. Thanks for showing me." I chuckle.

Her eyes darken. "Excuse me?"

Ethan comes back and pushes his way through the girls. "Got you orange soda." He hands me a cup. "What's going on here?"

"Oh, nothing much. Sexual harassment, being coerced to join an orgy of girls, getting a surprise handjob. The usual." I say blankly.

Ethan's eyes darken and he turns to the girl. "Get the fuck away from him. You're all fucking disgusting."

"Whatever." She stands up and leaves.

"He's probably the faggot's boyfriend."

I take a sip of the soda, not failing to hear the snide comment.

Ethan clenches his fist. "You know what? Yeah, I fucking am, so don't try this again. And don't do it to anyone else either because all us gays know each other and I'll fucking find you!" He snaps then sits down.

"I don't remember you being my boyfriend. Must've missed that." I smirk into my drink teasingly. "You just caused yourself a bunch of unnecessary drama. You could've been like 'I don't have to be gay to not be an asshole.'"

Ethan shrugs. "Didn't think of that, sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. This actually happens a lot." I sigh.

"That sucks." Ethan sips his beer. "Next time, call me up. I'm not afraid to hit a girl."

"I'll think about it." I look at him. "You still want to go to a quiet room, Ethan?"

"If that's what you want then totally." He smiles.

"I think it's what I want." I laugh.

"Come on." He grabs my hand and leads me through the house, looking in the rooms as we pass. In some rooms, people are playing the usual party games, spin the bottle, truth or dare, et cetera, and in others, people are eating each other's faces.

We finally find a bedroom that's empty and Ethan pulls me inside. "Not to be suggestive or anything." He chuckles and sits on the bed.

I lock the door so that people wanting to have sex don't stumble in and sit beside him, leaning against his shoulder. "I forgot to tell you that you look nice."

"Thank you." Ethan smiles.

"You're welcome." I chuckle. "Not to be a Debbie Downer, but I'm bored as fuck. I'm going to have to ask you to entertain me."

"Yeah," Ethan agrees. "This isn't going like I imagined it to. You know, I actually hate parties."

"Last time I went to a party, I left with a black eye."

Ethan frowns. "What? Why?"

"I actually have no idea." I giggle. My eyes land on a desk and I get up and rummage through it, grabbing some paper, a pencil, and a notebook. I bring it to the bed and hand it to Ethan and rest against him again.

"Want me to draw something?" He asks, twirling the pencil.

"Definitely." I grin.

He looks at my face then begins to draw, scooting closer so there's no space between us. He seems so calm when he draws and it's a nice thing to witness. Halfway through, I start to recognize the figures. He's drawing us, curled up together like when we were watching the movie, only this time we're both wearing full cowboy outfits, hat and all. In the sketch, I look happy.

"I love it." I breathe, eyes frozen on the piece.

"I'm glad." He smiles and plants a hesitant kiss against my temple.

I chuckle, kissing him on the lips before sitting in his lap. "You really are an emo cowboy."

"Emo? I don't think so. I'm punk." He corrects smugly.

"Mm, whatever you say, Superstar."

"Now that nickname, I like much better." He smirks.

"I'm sure you do." I chuckle as well and meld our bodies together. "What do you want to do?"

"I don't know." He wraps his arms around me. "What do you want to do?"

"Well, I want a lot of things. The question is, Superstar, what do you want?" My fingers run up and down his arms and I close my eyes.

"I have a confession," Ethan says and looks into my eyes. "I had a dream about you."

My eyes open, but my fingers' movements don't stop. "Oh really? What was I like in this dream?"

"Hot." Ethan breathes, closing his eyes. "Really hot."

"I'm jealous." I move so I'm facing him, my hands wandering. "It seems like you like your dream Charlie more than me."

His hands grip my waist. "I don't know what I'm doing, Charlie."

"You think too much." My hands slip under his tank and feel up his chest and I bring my lips to his neck.

He shudders and starts to move his hands, slowly caressing my ass. "You're right."

"Take me home— take us home. I don't want to be here." I trail more kisses on his neck. "I just want you."

Ethan nods and picks me up and I wrap my legs around him. He holds me up with one arm while he opens the door and makes his way out the nearest exit.

"You have to drive." He chuckles when we reach the car.

"I know." I grin, kissing him before dangling his keys and hopping into the driver's seat and starting the car.

Ethan gets in as well, his foot tapping nervously.

"We can play with Momo if you're not feeling up to it, Ethan," I say seriously, driving us towards my flat.

"I'm up to it." He looks me in the eyes. "I want you."

"All of me?" I ask, trying to remember where the blindfold is in my house. "You don't need to look at or touch anything that makes you uncomfortable."

"All of you." He confirms, looking determined.

"No more blindfold." I chuckle.

"Fuck the blindfold, you're beautiful."

I blush. "Yeah. I'm pretty great."

Ethan smirks. "Step on it. I'm impatient."

I do as he says and before I know it, I'm parking the car in the visitor parking lot and then leaning against the driver's seat, minding my own business.

Ethan gets out and opens my door. "Monsieur," He smiles.

My hand finds his and I smile back. "You seem awfully excited."

"It's nice not to care about anything but the present moment." Ethan pulls me into the building.

"Definitely." I get us to my floor and I smirk, unlocking the door to my living space. "The guest room."

"Yeah." Ethan pulls me into the guest room and closes the door, slamming me against it. "How do you like it?" He asks, his lips finding my neck.

"I don't know if you're ready for all that, Cowboy." I grind against him. "We'll just start at the basics for now. Just focus on what makes us feel good."

He nods and grinds back, his hands slipping under my shirt and exploring my chest. He moves to face me, pressing his lips against mine and melting against me.

My hands find their way to his hair and I pull, opening my mouth for him while pulling him as close to me as possible, a craving for contact of any kind.

He groans and pulls my shirt off, attaching his lips to my collarbones and moving further down to my nipples. "Wonder if this works the same." He chuckles and pinches the nub.

I curse, pulling at his hair and throwing my head back. "It does, fuck."

Ethan smirks and takes it into his mouth, rolling his tongue around the nub while his hands caress my hips.

I bite my lip to keep the sounds in, closing my eyes as he experiments. Ethan continues, moving to the other when he gets bored.

After a little bit of teasing, he pops off and returns to my lips. "I want you to suck me off, pretty boy."

I pull him by his shirt over to the bed and have him sit at the foot, my hands spreading his legs apart as I grab the zipper with my teeth and pull down. My hands dance over his waist, feeling the hot skin before hooking themselves around the waistband of his jeans and pulling down. I eye his obvious erection through the fabric of his briefs and lick my lips, but make him wait, removing his boots and pulling the jeans off and throwing them somewhere.

My hand rubs against his erection. "Is this what you dreamt of, Cowboy?"

Ethan watches me with lidded eyes. "Yes."

His briefs are off in a second and I make eye contact with Ethan as I suck on his balls.

"Oh, god." His hand moves to my hair and he moans.

His reaction causes my body to shudder from delight and I smirk, licking up his shaft before licking all around the head, using both the top and underside of my tongue.

"You really are good at this." Ethan breathes, gripping my locks.

"Thank you," I say, kissing all over his dick while my fingertips tease his balls.

After waiting so long, there's this part of me aching to have him inside me, so I finally take him into my mouth around the tip once more, moving down so that a quarter of his dick is in my mouth, my hands making slow downward strokes around the rest of his dick.

He moans, thrusting towards me desperately. "Fuck, Charlie."

I moan, the vibrations causing him to grow more restless, so I take more of him into my mouth, bobbing my head up and down at a slow, constant pace for a while before using a trick I learned over the years that makes guys think I'm deepthroating them when he still has more dick for me to take in.

Ethan moans loudly. "Fuck, don't stop. You take my cock like a pro, fucking slut."

His talking down to me makes me moan louder and I keep at it, making him think that I'm deepthroating him as I continue to massage his balls, refusing to leave them neglected before finally moving further down his dick until my nose is buried in his pubic hair, my eyes boring into his.

"Fuck!" He curses and moans, coming down my throat.

Swallowing, I move off his cock and wipe my mouth, eyes not once leaving his.

He pulls me up by my hair and kisses me passionately, immediately sticking his tongue into my mouth to explore.

I let him, my hands tangling in his hair as I moan loudly, his scruff scratching against my skin.

He pulls me up and throws me on the bed, climbing over me. His hand rubs against my thigh and moves up to my bulge. "Does this feel good?"

"Ethan," my hand wraps around his wrist. "I think you know what feels good."

He continues, his mouth returning to my neck and sucking. "Tell me what you want, Charlie."

"I want you to fuck me," I say, exposing more of my neck and closing my eyes.

He loops his fingers in my belt loops and pulls my pants off, throwing them aside along with my shoes and socks. He stares at my briefs for a moment before slowly pulling them down and exposing my cock. He wraps his hand around it, stroking steadily. "This isn't so bad." He smirks at me, his eyes excited. "I like it. I like you. I like your body."

Biting my lip, I reply. "I like it all too, especially you doing it."

"Is there anything I need to do for anal?" He asks, still stroking me and gaining courage.

"Lube, go slowly so that we can get used to it, and look for the prostate." I chuckle, watching him before reaching up to tug at his shirt. "I don't like this on, Ethan." I smirk.

Ethan pulls his shirt off and throws it aside. He checks the bedside table and pulls out a bottle of lube. He moves, his hand leaving me in favor for pulling my cheeks apart and looking at my hole. He kisses my thigh and pours some lube on his hand before slicking up both my hole and his cock. He fingers me for a moment, getting used to it. The curiosity on his face is adorable.

He finally stops and lines himself up with my entrance. He takes my hand and looks up at me. "Ready?"

"Very ready." I relax, looking into his eyes.

He slowly starts pushing in, breathing heavily. He groans, leaning over me and burying his head against my neck. "You're so tight." He moans and begins to rock back in forth until he's in all the way.

I moan, my hand playing with his hair. "You're doing perfect. Move whenever you're ready. Nice and slow."

Ethan starts moving, slowly thrusting in and out while his tongue circles my nipples again. His hand moves to my cock and he plays with the head.

"Fuck, Ethan—"

He starts thrusting harder, his hand moving to hold me in place by my hips. "Fuck, this is amazing." He breathes, looking down at me. "I should've done this sooner."

"It was worth the wait." I breathe out, closing my eyes as Ethan feels around.

"Yeah," Ethan thrusts harder, his grip on me tightening.

"T-There." My eyes shoot open and I moan.

Ethan adjusts himself so he'll hit the spot again and pounds into me, breathing heavily. "Tell me when you're close."

"I will." I exhale, feeling the pressure increase.

Ethan thrusts harder and faster, closing his eyes as he pumps me. "Come on, come for me."

My vision blurs out as I do just that and I moan loudly. "Fuck—"