"I don't know where to start Dad,this hurts so much" Dec wept as he stared at the gravestone.

"Just you not being here,I can't get used to it,I'm not coping very well,I'm trying to but it's not really working.

Ant's here too,this was his idea,thought it might help me somehow,I'm not so sure though.He's been so amazing though,I'm so lucky to have him,I don't know how I would have managed without him"

Dec sighed heavily "not that I'm really managing"

He glanced over to Ant who was watching him intently.

"I don't know what I'm doing Dad or how to move on.You were such a big part of my life obviously from the day I was born.How do people come to terms with the death of their parents?I just don't see how?everyone else seems to be dealing with it,even Mam,so why can't I?

I just can't accept the fact that I'm never going to see you again,never have one of our father and son chats again,never hug you again,never go for a pint with you again.I'd give anything to be able to go for one last pint down the local with you"

Dec sat quietly for a few minutes,deep in thought,letting the tears run freely down his cheeks.

"Did I make you proud Dad?" He whispered sadly,although he was pretty sure he knew the answer to that question.Even though Fonsey was a quiet,modest man who kept his feelings to himself,Dec definately knew how Fonsey felt about him.

He thought back to the eulogy Martin had given at the funeral.

"Yeah,you were proud of me" he smiled.

"I was proud of you too Dad,proud to be your son,proud to be able to call you my father,how lucky was I to be born into this amazing family?

You moulded me Dad,made me the man I am today.The love,support and encouragement you and Mam showed me my entire life helped me get to where I am today and for that,I will always be grateful.

You never once told me I wouldn't make it,never thought I was stupid for choosing the career I did,never discouraged me when things weren't going to plan,was never disappointed with me no matter what stupid things I did,and I did a fair few stupid things,especially when I was growing up.

Thank you Dad,thank you for loving me unconditionally,I know that's a parents job but it just seems you would have gone to the end of the earth and back for me,for all of us,all I can do to repay you is try to be the best man I can,someone you can look down on from your perch up there on that cloud and who you can continue to be proud of"

Decs legs were starting to cramp up in his boyish position on the ground,so he stretched them out and leant back onto his hands,closed his eyes and faced the rare autumn sunshine,feeling the warm glow on his skin.

He stayed in that position,completely silent for a few minutes.It was so peaceful in the cemetery.He listened closely to the birds singing,a dog barking in the distance,the trees rustling in the breeze,he never went to such peaceful places usually and had actually started to feel slightly relaxed,the anxiety about doing this had passed,of course it was emotional,of course it was upsetting but it was also calming,it felt strangely freeing which was something he hadn't expected,seems Ant was right all along,he thought.

"Ant will be so smug that he was right about this Dad" Dec smiled.

"Oh yeah" he suddenly announced with excitement "I've got a puppy!Ant gave me him for my birthday.He's the best thing ever,you'd love him.He's a dachshund and as Ant says,he's small,feisty and cute just like me,can't see the similarities myself,but Ant seems to like telling everyone that,he's called Rocky"

Dec smiled to himself at the thought of the puppy waiting for him back in London that he had already fallen totally head over heels in love with.

"You really would love him!"

"Not sure what else to tell you Dad,I've told you I'm struggling and that I miss you and all that,I wonder how you'd reply if you could hear me?can you hear me?You'd probably tell me to get a grip and stop wallowing in self pity,never stood for any nonsense did ya Dad?"

He peered up at the sky "if there is a heaven,they'll have welcomed you with open arms,no doubt you're boring them all with stories about all of us"

Dec shook his head at himself.

"Give Nan and Grandad a hug from me will ya?"

He stood up to stretch his legs a bit more and glanced over to the bench.Ant was no longer there.

"Looks like Ant's gone for a walk,probably got bored,he never can keep still for long that one.He misses you too Dad,he loved you practically as much as I did,if that's even possible,I know this has been hard for him too,but he's never once shown it,he's so strong,I just know he's determined to stay strong for me,I just hope he's ok,maybe I should ask him,I've never really thought too much about how this will be affecting him.

I will ask him in good time,he needs to be looked after too,I'll make sure he's ok"

Dec looked around the cemetery and spied Ant far in the distance,he thought it was Ant anyway,couldn't be too sure as the figure was so far away.

He sat back down and picked up a pink rose from the urn and breathed in it's scent.

"Bet Mam bought these didn't she?she loved pink roses,splashing out a bit isn't she?these aren't cheap,you're worth it though" He thought back to how Fonsey always bought Anne 12 pink Roses every birthday and anniversary.

"Old romantic you were really weren't you?"

He peered into the urn "could do with some fresh water though"

He got back up again and made his way to the nearby tap and filled the provided watering can full with fresh water.After refilling the urn,he noticed the

flowers on the grave next to Fonseys were starting to wilt,so quickly topped up the urn resting on it with fresh water too.Dec knew it probably wouldn't make a difference,once flowers are dying,there's not alot you can do he thought,but no harm in giving them a top up.

He had never thought about the irony of how things were in cemeteries before.The one thing that people always take there is the one thing that is guaranteed to die after just a few days,so much death around him,he thought to himself,beautiful people dying,beautiful flowers dying.

He never expected the flowers to make him so sad.

'Stop being so ridiculous Declan' he scolded himself 'they're just flowers'

He stared at the gravestone again,then looked at his watch,he'd been there at the graveside for over an hour,talking and thinking.It had only felt like about 20 minutes so he was very surprised when he saw the time,still it wasn't like he needed to be anywhere.

He could see Ant was now making his way back to the bench and decided it was time to rejoin him.

"Bye Dad,I best get back to Ant,I promise I'll come back and visit you again real soon and I promise I won't leave it so long next time.I know I can do it now,I know I can come here and talk to you,i know i can get through this,i know i can be strong,I really do know it"

He bent down and kissed the top of the headstone "rest easy Papa"

He smiled to himself at the pet name he sometimes jokingly called Fonsey.

He made his way back over to Ant and sat down next to him on the bench,sitting so close their thighs touched.He always found comfort in being very close to Ant,both emotionally and physically and he knew Ant felt the same.He felt safe when they were touching each other,be it a hand on a leg,a reassuring handhold or a pat on the back,it all had meaning.

Ant rubbed his leg affectionately.

"How are ya doing kidda?"

Dec paused for thought for a moment.

"I'm doing surprisingly well actually Ant" he answered.

"That was very therapeutic,I cried alot,of course i did,felt pretty stupid in the beginning,talking to a grave but once i started opening up,it felt good,it felt right,it felt needed"

"Yeah you really did need it" Ant smiled.

Dec turned to him "alright mister smug,I admit you were right"

"Not smug at at all" Ant smiled while pulling Dec in for a hug "just happy it helped,that's all I wanted"

Dec nestled comfortably into Ants welcoming arms "I'm glad you talked me into this Ant,how did you know it would help?"

"I'm just always right aren't I?" You should know that by now" Ant laughed.

Dec pulled out of the embrace and looked at Ant.

"Such a know it all,don't know about you always being right but in this case,you definitely were,I'll give you that,credit where credits due,thank you"

"You're very welcome" Ant replied "but isn't there someone else you need to talk to?"

"Who?" Dec asked curiously.

"Come on Dec,I know you inside out,I know when things are off with you.There's someone else you've been struggling with isn't there?I can't be sure as i very rarely see the two of you together but I know something's not right with both of you,I can just feel it"

Dec knew exactly who Ant was talking about but played dumb.He repeated the question.

"Who?Ant who do I need to talk to?"

Ant squeezed Decs hand lovingly.

"Your Mam Dec,you need to talk to your Mam!"