When I got home, I threw Cole on the couch, and got ready for bed.

Showering tended to help me think. It kept my thoughts in order.

I try not to think all the time, it makes me overthink the littlest things. But if I don't think, then what is there to overthink? Because when I think, I think about Him. And I don't want to think about him. Because if I do, then I blame myself, and I don't deserve that.

He was the love of my life, and he disappeared.

I felt the hot water drip down my body as I tried to wash away the memories. The memories of him. If I had to go back in time, and change it all, I wouldn't. No matter how much he hurt me, I can't, and won't erase him from my life. No matter how painful it is, he's made me who I am today. All the pain, the happiness, everything. It's turned me into the person I am today, and I wouldn't change that for anything.

I shut off the water, along with my thoughts, and shut myself down. No more thinking.

Walking out of the shower, I dried myself off, and changed into my sweats. My comfy grey sweats.

Walking out of the bathroom, I went to the kitchen. More whiskey. Just one drink.

I quickly threw down my whiskey, feeling the cold liquid warm my throat. A welcoming feeling. A feeling I liked a little too much. But stopped myself from more drinks. As much as I liked the welcoming feeling of the alcohol running down my throat, I hated the hangovers a little bit more.

I stopped myself, rubbing my hand over my face. Quickly walking to my room, and going to bed. To shut off for the night.

Just as quickly as I got into bed, I was out.

I swept up the bar, as Abby kicked out the last of the bar patrons.

"You feeling alright kid? You've been sweeping that spot for five minutes." Abby locked up the front doors.

"Yeah..." I smiled.

"Out with it." She crossed her arms over her chest, walking towards me.

"That officer.... I don't know, he's just. Hot." I looked up, imagining him, and I was not disappointed. I know it. I know he's big-

"As much as I care about Trevor, he's not relationship material." She side smiled at me, walking to the bar, ready to clean off all the empty glasses and tips.

"What do you mean, ugh, he's ~Daddy~ material alright." I fanned my hand in front of my face, acting like I had a school girl crush.

"He's still hungover his ex, Jay. He's not romantically involved with anyone anymore." I watched her as she cleaned off the tables, clearing the glasses and spilled alcohol. "Maybe a few lays here and there, but never a relationship. But I do respect that he's always honest with his partners."

I thought over her words, tumbling through my head. I found a guy I'm interested in, and he's emotionally unavailable. Great. This sounds like the beginning to a soap opera. What next? Am I going to find out my real dad ditched my family before I was born and he lives halfway across the world? I have a sister I don't know about? Damn drama. Oooo, maybe next my life will turn into those cheesy Wattpad novels and I get caught in a love triangle with the emotionally unavailable bad boy with a soft spot for me, and the romantic nerdy boy with a heart of gold. That would be something.

"Why can't I like emotionally available, nice, kind, caring guys? Or do they not exist?" I huffed as I grabbed the mop.

"Because those guys don't ever live where we live, and are definitely out of our league. That's why I date women hon." She waved her free hand in the air as she wiped down the booths.

I thought about it, thinking if it was worth it to go after him. Chase him. I mean... he's hot. But is the emotional ride worth it? Would I be able to handle the pain a second time?

"Hey, can I stay here again? I don't want to deal with my dad this late." I looked over at Abby carrying a tray of dirty glasses to the sink.

"Sure, stay as long as you want, just please tell your brother where you are at least. He's probably worried about you." I sighed, she was right. I pulled out my phone from my aprons packet and turned it on.

3 messages from Freddy.

3:32pm

4:12pm

8:43pm

Well damn... I felt bad. I hated disappearing like that, but I couldn't take it.

It didn't take long for him to respond.

I shut off my phone. I didn't feel like talking to anyone else. I didn't like texting or calling anyway.

"What did he say?" Abby looks up at me from the sink. Washing the empty glasses.

"He says hi. But I let him know I was here." I finally traded the broom for the mop, and mopped the floor. Clearing the spilled alcohol.

"Thanks for letting me work the night shift. I like that shift. Can I work it more often?" I looked up from mopping.

"I though you hated the night shift?"

"I did. But I guess it keeps me away from my dad for longer, so I don't mind it."

"Sure. I can start switching you over to night." She went back to drying the dishes and putting them away.

"Thanks Abs." I smiled, getting back to mopping.

I never worked the night shift, but the last few times I've worked it, I've always seen... Trevor... there. And if I could at least talk to him, maybe I could get something going. I don't know. I'm just getting my hopes up. But maybe I liked it like that. Being optimistic. It kept things a lot brighter, even in the darkest days.

"What are you smiling about?" Abby looked over at me, laughing slightly.

"Nothin'" I smiled slightly, looking back down at the floor. Continuing to mop.

XXX

I opened my eyes, ever so slightly. Looking at the clock.

4:56am.

Fucking hell. Who the hell wakes up at this ungodly hour?!

Oh well, fuck it.

I got out of bed with a groan. My whole body hurt. I was sore as hell. I need a day off. I yawned, walking to the ensuite bathroom.

I peeled off my sweats and turned on the water.

It got blistering hot within seconds. Just the way I like it.

I stepped in, letting the hot water drip down my body. Letting it pound against my skin. Letting it fall to the floor, carrying away the nonexistent dirt from my body.

I ran my fingers through my hair, letting the water soak into my curls.

The ringlets in my hair tightened around my fingers, letting them slide over my skin.

I closed my eyes and let the water run down my face, imagining I was being carried away. Floating.

The shower was a venerable place for me, call it my thinking place if you will. It's where I let my thoughts run down the drain. My emotions clog in the pipes. My fears and anxieties run somewhere else besides my head.

It was my dumping ground for my unwanted feelings and emotions. So couldn't feel anything. I wanted to be numb. Because numb to me was better then crying myself to sleep every night because I couldn't handle the pain.

I shut off the water and stood there. Leaning my head against the hot tile. The steam in the air was suffocating.

I rung out the water off my body and dried myself off. Stepping out of the shower.

Wrapping the towel around my waist, I looked to the mirror. Wiping the steam off the mirror, the water droplets rippling my reflection.

I hated it. I hated my reflection. Because I didn't see the old me. I saw the shell of someone that died years ago.

I sighed before peeling off the towel. I grabbed my sweats off the counter and slipped them on.

I already want to go back to bed. But anxiety had another plan for me.

I walked into the kitchen and looked over at the couch. Cole slept in the weirdest position, looking half dead.

His head hung to the floor off the couch, and the bottom half, slightly curled, bent towards his back, while also sitting on the back off the couch. Fucking contortionist.

I rolled my eyes and started brewing the coffee.

The bitter smell relaxed me as I leaned against the counter.

"Mhmmmm coffee....." I looked over at half-dead-Cole, as his head peaked up from the floor. Looking at me and the coffee maker.

"FUUUCCCKKKK my head..." Cole groaned, sliding off the couch.

"Get up drama queen." I rolled my eyes. I leaned my back against the counter, crossing my arms.

"Aspirin. Cofffee... DEATH!!!" Cole laid face down into the floor.

"You can have the first two." The coffee beeped.

"NOOOO FIVE MORE MINUTES!!! TURN OFF THE ALARM!!!"

"You idiot, that's the coffee maker." I rolled my eyes pouring two cups. Adding nothing into either cup.

"Mmmm coffee coffee coffee." Cole slowly sat up, walking towards me, grabbing the cup, and sitting back on the floor.

I reached up in the cabinet, pulling out the aspirin bottle. I tossed it to Cole, and it hit him the head.

"OUCH!!!"

"You're supposed to catch it- you know what, never mind." I rolled my eyes. Downing my coffee. Cole opened the bottle and took two.

"Thanks man." Cole half-heartedly smiled.

"No problem." I said flatly. "By the way you were flirting with a guy last night." I chuckled, sipping the rest of the coffee.

"No, I was flirting with this cute black girl, soft short hair, and big brown eyes. I was sober enough to remember a cute face like that." He swooned.

"That was a guy, Cole."

"But... They were wearing a girls uniform..." He pouted.

"Still a guy."

"OH GOD I CAUGHT THE GAY FROM YOU!!! IT IS CONTAGIOUS!!!!" He rolled on the floor dramatically.

"No, you're just a horny dumbass that fucks anything that moves." I said sarcastically.

He glared at me, I just laughed.

I set down my cup and walked to my bedroom. I love Cole and all, but I can only take so much of him sober. So half drunk, half hungover, is a different story.

I wiped my hand over my face and sighed.

This is going to be a long day.

XXX

It's been about a week. I don't really know, I lost track.

I haven't gone to the bar in a week because I didn't feel like leaving the house. I took a few days off, knowing I needed it.

So I've been sitting at home doing the same routine.

Sleep. Coffee. Maybe snack? Whiskey. Bed. Repeat.

I sat on my couch. Feeling like shit. My eyes felt heavy, and my muscles hurt. I was exhausted. Not even physically exhaustion. But my mental exhaustion effected me more than anything. It felt like I was being weighed down by a ton of bricks.

The curtains were shut, making the room pitch black. It was quiet as usual. But every little creak make my head pound.

It drained me more to be awake and do nothing rather than be doing something. But I didn't want to move. I didn't have the motivation.

I sighed feeling my head pound. I grabbed my phone, the brightness blinding me, even though it was at its lowest setting.

Abby.

Hey! Haven't seen you in a while, why don't you come down. Please? For me?!!! Help me handle these assholes. A girl could use some backup!

I sighed. Thinking about it. I guess I need to move around a bit.

Fine. I'll be there in 5.

:D

I rolled my eyes and turned off my phone.

Fucking making me put on pants. This shits ridiculous. Why can't no pants be socially normal in public.

I grabbed whatever was on my floor that I thought was suitable for the outside world.

I grabbed my grey joggers, a black t-shirt, and slipped on my black running shoes. Eh. Good enough. But hey, at least my ass and forbidden lightsaber look fantastic in these sweats.

And I was out the door.

XXX

The bar noise pounded through my head. Too many people. I groaned, walking to my normal seat.

"Awww look. The hermit lives." Abby cheered, giving me a cheeky smile.

"Piss off." I slammed my head on the bar counter.

"Hey! No denting my counter!"

"Wooooowwww, not even a bit of concern about my health?" I rolled my eyes.

"Hey! That shits expensive!" She shrugged, filling up others drinks. "Need anything?" She looked at me concerned.

I lifted my head to give a small smile. "Just water. No more alcohol for the night."

Without a word, she turned around and grabbed a water bottle out of the small fridge by her feet.

"Thanks." I took a drink. "Why'd you call me here?"

"I just haven't seen you in a while, I got concerned. And someone asked me to." She gave me a sly smile.

"Who would that be?" I raised my eyebrow.

"I ain't tellin' honey." Her southern accent poked through he voice as she walked away to go over to other bar patrons.

"Hey..." A small voice came from behind me. I turned around in my chair and looked down at... Jaylynn?

"Hey." I smiled slightly. I patted the seat next to me. Inviting him to sit next to me.

"Let me take a guess. You're the one who wanted me here?" I raised my eyebrow, giving a small smile.

"That would be me." He giggled.

"Why's that?"

"I wanted to thank you properly. I guess I still feel like I owed you after all the help you've given me." I looked down at the boy, smiling. But he was looking down at his hands, showing how nervous he was. Why is he so nervous? Maybe he has social anxiety?

"Well... Anything in mind?" I asked taking a drink from my water.

"Umm..." I watched him as he played with his hands, not looking at me.

"Hey, look at me." He hesitantly looked into my eyes. I gave a calming smile, and I saw him relax slightly.

"Umm, I thought I... I want to by you a drink." He spit out as fast as he could, but I barely caught what he was saying.

"That sounds nice." I smiled, taking a drink from my water. He looked up at me, surprised, but still smiling.

"I-I'm free after my shift... I'm closing tonight, but, if you don't mind waiting around..." He cut off, looking down at his hands nervously.

I put my fingers under his chin, lifting his face, forcing him to look at me. "I'd love to."