Scheduling a therapist was harder than I expected it to be. The number of people who were equally as f-cked up as me was shocking yet somewhat comforting. People had been in far worse situations than I have been in and they were perfectly fine. Therefore there had to be at least some hope for me and my problematic tendencies.

All of the prestigious therapists were all reserved so I had to schedule an appointment with a therapist who had an office in a sketchy part of Los Angeles. The only good aspect of making Tim Jenkins my therapist was that his prices were way cheaper than the mainstream therapists in the city. For my sake, I hoped that he was well experienced enough to help me through my troubles.

Today was my first day meeting with him and I was slightly afraid to even consult with him. I've never been the person to just dish out my problems to people, especially not complete strangers. My appointment was two minutes ago and instead of being inside of the building, I was sitting inside my car and chewing on my fingernails. The only thing that got me out of the car was the fact that I remembered that I was paying him by the hour. It was my time that was being wasted, not his.

With a sigh, I got out of my car and stepped out into the sketchy neighborhood. I got a couple of funny looks from the scarce people who were walking on the sidewalk. They gave me a look as if they recognized me, but then they just brushed it off and kept walking. I always thought that was the funniest thing about being famous. Sometimes people would recognize me and then just blow it off, thinking I was just a look-a-like or something. The only thing funnier was when fans were only a few feet away from me, but were too busy to notice me.

When I walked into the office, there was an uninterested blonde chick sitting at a desk. She was flipping through a magazine and chewing gum viciously. When she heard the door open, I could tell she was annoyed that she had to deal with someone. A small huff came from her lips. She peered over her magazine and gave me a confused glare. I ignored the stare and walked over to the desk. "I have an appointment with Tim Jenkins. It was actually five minutes ago. My name is Arden Scott."

Her eyes grew wide and she slammed down the gossip magazine. "Ar-Arden Scott? Like the Arden Scott," she asked me as she grabbed a piece of paper. She examined my name on the list of patients before looking back up at me with astonished eyes. I laughed awkwardly. No matter how many times I went through this process I never knew how to truly act when someone was surprised to see me. I didn't want to be arrogant or shy either, so I just stared with a slight, awkward smile.

"Wow! Why would you come-I mean...," the blonde was truly frustrated. I think her brain was literally malfunctioning.

"Arden, you're here," a deep voice said as a man appeared from a door behind the blonde girl. I recognized the voice as my therapist, whom I had talked to briefly over the phone. Thankfully, he was about to save me from the stammering blonde. "Ashley, why didn't you page me and tell me?"

"I was late," I defended the woman sitting at the desk, even though she did waste like three minutes just stuttering. "I made a few wrong turns," I lied. The GPS led me to this place as if it was a piece of cake. It was my fault for procrastinating and just sitting in the car.

Tim pursed his lips together and nodded his head understandingly. "Well, please head back." He walked into his office and I gave a still starstruck Ashley a nod before following behind him.

When we got into Tim's office, he took a seat behind a cluttered desk with a huge computer monitor on it. I sat in one of the two ancient, worn out arm chairs that was across from his desk. When I usually pictured a therapy session, it was always in a nice, comfy and homey looking room. I imagined artwork on the walls and inspirational quotes in frames here or there. But it was nothing like that with Tim's little set-up. It looked like he had legit just moved in the building and he used furniture that he found on the street to put in his office. The walls were blank, concrete and white. Everything seemed raw.

The only thing that looked nice in his old office was Tim himself. He had on a nice pale blue suit that wasn't exactly designer but close enough. He had a neat buzz cut and his beard was trimmed nicely. The look on his face let me know that he was professional, even if his office wasn't. My eyes wondered around his cluttered desk of papers and the only thing that stood out were a few pictures of what I assumed was his family. He had a beautiful wife and two little girls who were as precious as ever. They looked like any other average, happy family.

"Well, I'm glad you actually showed up to come and see me, Arden. I know my office isn't as fabulous as the one's that other psychiatrists have in Hollywood, but I'm just now starting out. First, I'm going to tell you a little about myself. I don't expect you to just start telling me about your life if you don't know a little about mine." Tim gave me a slight smile and he picked up the happy family photo that I was just staring at. "This here is my family. I'm thirty-two years old and just recently got my degree. My wife, Pamela is working on becoming a dentist, and these cuties are our twin daughters, Kailey and Kayla. They're three years old and I still don't know them apart."

Tim chuckled and I did too. If I ever had kids, I couldn't handle identical twins. I probably would never be able to tell them apart no matter how old they got. "A little back story on me, I was born and raised in Compton. In high school, I wanted to be just like all the thugs on the block but it really hit me that I wasn't about that life when I saw a man get shot right in front of my eyes. That was my freshmen year in high school and I'm somewhat grateful for that mument. Since that mument, I worked hard throughout high school and got a full ride to the University of Southern California. I studied Psychology there and went on to medical school. Met my beautiful wife and now here I am talking to you. My office may not be the best but my education is extraordinary and I'm going to help you, Arden. From the media, I understand that you're misunderstood. Being a black man from Compton, I can easily relate to the feeling. Now tell me why you're truly here and what drove you to be here."

He reached for a pen and a notepad before leaning back in his chair. The stare he gave me was full of wonder as he awaited for me to answer his question. "Well, I've always had problems with my anger and the way that I treated other people around me. I guess I put myself before others and that's my downfall. The reason why I'm here is because I've been a really sh-tty girlfriend to my girl and I want to become a better person for her and also the people around me. I want to be a role model for the people who already look up to me as well."

Tim nodded his head. "You have problems with anger?"

"Yes."

"Have you ever gotten so angry that you've became violent?"

"Yes."

"With your girlfriend?"

"Of course not! I would never hurt her! I've been aggressive with past lovers, but never with Mira. I love her and I never want to hurt her in that kind of way, no matter how angry I get." Laying a finger on Mira was out of the question. She was way too innocent and sweet and she didn't deserve to be treated that way at all. No one did. I've just f-cked up so much in my past.

"Were you beaten as a child? When your parents were angry did they ever take out their anger on you? Have you ever got a spanking, a tap on the wrist or anything major by your mother or your father? I understand if it's a deep question and if you don't feel like answering that now. I can move on." Tim said all of this without even looking up from the notepad. He was writing on it viciously as if he was writing every word that I was saying plus more.

"My mum gave me a couple of spankings but she never abused me. She never left a mark or hurt me and when I did get spanked I sure as hell deserved it. As for my father, I have no idea who he is. He left my mother when she was giving birth to me by a note," I explained.

Tim heard the obvious animosity in my voice when I mentioned my father. As soon as I began talking about him, he finally looked up from the notepad. "You have no idea who your father is?"

"Not even his name. I've never bothered asking my siblings or mother because he's a piece of sh-t. I've never got to know his side of the family. He's like a ghost to me. My mother is the only parent that I recognize." My mum raised me singlehandedly and so for that she deserved all the recognition and the praise. I knew raising me was a hassle and on top of that she had to deal with Atticus and Sophia as well.

"Do you wish that you had a relationship with your father?" I remained silent and looked away from Tim as he stared straight at me.

Of course, it was annoying to grow up without a father. All the other kids would talk about how their father did this or how he did that, while me and only a select few of other kids only had mothers. It did make me feel like sh-t when kids brought their father to school for show and tell. Yes, it pissed me off when my friend's talked about their fathers as if they were the best thing in the world. Sure, it was annoying to treat Father's Day like any other day when others spent their time with their fathers. Not having a dad f-cking sucked, but I wasn't going to complain about it. My dad wasn't around because he didn't want to be so why the f-ck would I want him around?

"It's okay that you wish he was in your life, Arden. It's completely normal. I understand if your mother took care of you well and she was all that you needed and more but I'm sure there have been times when you wished you had a father to be there for you." I kept up my quiet demeanor and concentrated on the floor rather than Tim. Just talking about my father made my blood boil. "Okay, we'll take a step back real quickly. What do you know about your father?"

"I know that he was a deadbeat d-ck that didn't care enough about his wife and children to be there for them."

"Have you ever had a constant father figure in your life like a grandfather, an uncle or a family friend?"

"No."

"Has your mother ever dated a guy after your father that you got to know?"

"Yeah. Ricky."

"Was Ricky a good guy?"

I sighed before biting down on my lower lip. For some reason, I wasn't expecting Tim to ask me questions this deep. He was really making me reflect on my life. I guess that was his job. "Ricky acted like a good guy to me and my siblings. I was fourteen at the time and he dated my mother until I was seventeen. He was really nice to us and gave us money because he had a nice job. Everything was good the first year until me and my siblings began seeing the marks on mum's face, and the bruises on her arms. We heard the crying at night. The arguing was horrible. Things like that. He was abusing mum but she always acted like nothing happened. We could literally hear him pushing her around at night and in the morning, she'll cook us breakfast with the biggest smile and the darkest black eye as if nothing ever happened. It was confusing and it hurt."

"How was it confusing?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know. It was just that I had just started dating girls. I always knew I was gay, but I never dated a woman until high school which I think is pretty normal. My hormones were off the roof. I was seeing what was going on at home and I guess I reciprocated Ricky's actions. I thought it was the norm. When your girl started acting out of line, you hit her a few times and then she'd apologize and act like nothing even happened. She'd get her act together, but when she f-cked up again that's when you just hit her...harder. It was a f-cked up mentality but I just thought it was okay."

"You know better now?"

"Yes."

"How many woman do you think you've abused?"

"Three or four."

"Have you ever been convicted for these actions?"

"No."

"Do you feel like you should have?"

"I think so. If I would have got in trouble when I first did it then it would've saved the other three girls that I harmed. It would've let me know that what I was doing wasn't right and what Ricky was doing to my mother wasn't right. But the girls that I abused, it just seemed like the harder I hit them the more they loved me."

"When was your last abusive outbreak?"

"Several weeks ago, I got in a scuffle with Mira's ex. It may have been a couple of months ago. I lose track of time. She was talking sh-t so I hit her and that was that. Mira was upset and that was the last time."

"How did Ricky and your mother end things?"

"He just disappeared one night. Mum said that they had broken up and that we'd never see him again. He left us money when he left though."

Tim put down his pen and notepad before leaning down on the desk. "Here's what I think Arden, you were obviously misled by the relationship that Ricky and your mother had. You thought abusing women was right and the women you abused were too submissive to tell you that it wasn't. You're with Mira now, which I feel is a good thing. You seem to genuinely care about her and you said that you wouldn't hurt her. I believe that. You said you wanted to be a better girlfriend, so if you're not abusing her physically what are you doing to hurt her?"

"Well, first of all, I'm not hurting her intentionally. I've just had problems being faithful. The other night, I got drunk and a girl made out with me until I pushed her off and that was almost the icing on the cake. Mira nearly left me and that's when I realized that I needed help."

"It's a good thing that you came here on your own. I see a lot of potential in you. I feel like the biggest root of all your problems comes from the hatred of your father. You and him have some unfinished business and I think you need some closure on your relationship. If he's still alive, I feel like you should meet him for the first time and just have a talk. It can be short and simple or spread out for hours."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?"

"I might kill him."

"Just give it a try. I'll give you a few days to think about it. I think we should end this session here. I'll see you next week at the same time."

I thanked Tim. He was very helpful, but me talking to my father was sure to end up horrible. I just knew it. Either way, I'd give his opinion deep consideration since he seemed like he knew what he was talking about.

-

What do you think of Arden's past?

Do you think Arden should try to find and talk to her father?