i kissed her on the nose and followed her to the bathroom to look at it. she picked up the stick between her shaky hands and looked at it to see only one line in red that drew across it.

"oh thank god." i sighed in relief.

Luna didn't say anything. i don't know if she truly wanted to get rid of it. i think she wanted to keep it, but she didn't say that because i was so determined to get an abortion.

i know it's her body, so she has more choice over it, but it's still my fucking kid too. and i don't want her to have it. i'm not ready for it yet. and i don't think she's going to stay in my life for 9 months.

all the girls i've dated never stayed. hence, the reason why i'm here. and i'm not even dating her.

"is this the part where we get a new one because we did it again?" she finally spoke out.

"i think that would be a good idea." i told her.

it was around midnight when i ran to the pharmacy store to get another pregnancy test. Luna stayed at my cabin and decided to just chill and watch TV.

when i had gotten home with the test, Luna was snorting more coke.

"okay, stop. that's enough of that." i said, pulling the tube away from her and dusting the remaining white powder off of the table.

"here, i'm gonna do it again." she told me, taking the bag off me.

"want me to come with?" i asked.

"yes please." she replied.

i followed her to the bathroom as she peed on the stick, she then left it by the counter and washed her hands, instantaneously waiting for the results.

"baby, it takes a good thirty minutes to show the lines or line." i didn't want to presume that there was going to be two.

i just hoped that there wasn't.

"well, ill get my answer quicker." she remarked, keeping her eyes on the test.

i sighed and watched with her, wrapping my arms around her shoulders in silence. minutes passed by and only one line had formed and we cheered in delight. clapping and hooraying that she wasn't with child.

it was only until our celebrations where finished when we had realised a faint, second line had slowly started to come in. we both stared at it in upmost shock and horror.

"fuck." i said, watching the lined strokes get bolder by the second.

"no. Billie." she sobbed.

i wrapped her into my arms, moving her hair out of the way while she cried into my embrace.

"it's okay darling, it doesn't matter. it's going anyway." i said.

"will it hurt?" she asked.

"no. no it wont. it's gonna be okay, baby." i answered.

fuck this shit.

"it's okay darling, it doesn't matter. it's going anyway." she said.

going anyway? i hate how heartless she could be at this moment. i didn't want to tell her and argue because i felt bad. it was all my fault regardless. i shouldn't have let her cum in me. and twice? i didn't have the first one. i wouldn't have been in this mess or this amount of worry.

"will it hurt?" i asked.

i was more worried about the actual baby than i was about myself. even though the foetus hadn't developed yet- even though they didn't have a heart yet- i still felt a certain amount of remorse in me. telling me this is the wrong choice to take.

"no. no it wont. it's gonna be okay, baby." she answered.

i cried in her arms for a while. it was mainly because of fear of not knowing what to do, but also a mix of worry and guilt for the baby. even though i cant afford to have one right now, considering my current lifestyle and situation, i had to get rid of it.

only if she knew the amount of guilt i would be in if i did. i'd never be able to forgive myself. i couldn't do such an evil thing to a poor, innocent soul.

could i?

should i?

i drove Luna home and went in with her while i cooked us some dinner. i made rice and chicken teriyaki for us and we ate together, deciding what to do now.

"should we go to the clinic tomorrow then?" she asked, pushing her food around.

"yeah, i'll take you." i said, but i don't think i can stay tonight. "i haven't been home in a while and my parents are probably worried."

"that's fine. you should stop spending so much time around me. i'm sure you have better things to do, Billie. you can't let your entire life revolve around me." she explained.

maybe i wanted that. maybe i didn't.

who knows?

"no, that's okay. you're in a shitty part of your life right now and i was partly the reason, so i wanna help to fix it." i replied, spooning the food into my mouth.

"but i don't need your help, Billie." she whispered.

"what?" i asked.

"i don't need your help." she replied.

"what do you mean?" i said.

"i mean that i need some time alone to think this out. because maybe, just maybe, i have an opinion on wether or not i want to get rid of the child! should i? yes. do i want to? no!" she yelled.

"i- i'm sorry, Lu. i didn't know you feel that-" i said.

i began ticking and they where driving me insane.

"i didn't know you feel that way!" she mocked. "yeah well, sometimes Billie, you just have to actually ask if people want the same thing as you before making a complete decision."

"Luna i-" i attempted to speak but cut me off.

"no! i'm sick of the way you think! you act all nice and caring and loving once second and then the next you want to get rid of my- our kid without letting me have a say!" she shouted. "why couldn't you have just asked me what i wanted?"

she began crying and so i got up to hug her but she pushed me away.

"fuck you. i'm sick of how you act. you never even gave me one fucking good reason as to why we should get rid of it. yes, yes i know we've only known each other for less than two weeks and we have gotten to know each other quite a lot. but i like you and you make me feel safe- you make me feel like my life isn't such a shithole. like you give me a fucking reason to wake up everyday." she cried.

"Luna just let me speak." i begged, trying my hardest to cover up the tics but they where too noticeable.

"no. let me speak this time. it feels like the entire universe, is telling me thats this is wrong, that i should keep the baby? what if it's a sign? what if it means that i'm meant to grow with you, that i'm mean that meant to be with you." she yelled.

"Luna, let me fucking speak! i'm not ready to have a fucking kid with you! i'm not in the right mindset-" i shouted hut she cut me off by slapping me across the face.

"shut up." she spat.

"what the fuck is wrong with you?" i asked.

"shut up. shut up. shut up." she slapped me after every time she said it.

"i'm not ready." i whispered.

my cheeks began feeling sore and warm. i felt them burning up.

"you could've at least tried. i'm not ready either." she said.

"and then what? what happens after i try? i quit? that's it? just leave you with the baby and go?" i said.

"get out." she ordered, pointing to the door.

i looked her in the eyes and bit my lip as hard as i could in sheer rage.

"get the fuck out!" she yelled.

i walked out and slammed the door behind me, making my way into my car and slamming that door too. i set my hands on the steering wheel, trying my best not to shed a tear.

i screamed and screamed my lungs out, punching the wheel at every move until i got all of my anger out. i was angry at myself. mainly because of the way i treated her and how i should've asked. she had a point hut so did i and i didn't get to tell her.

it was mainly my fault because i didn't tell her about the whole famous celebrity thing. that wasn't something i was planning on telling her that soon though. but if i had known that the condom was going to break and she wanted to keep it then i would've.

but i didn't.

i stepped on the gas and drove to 'god knows where.'

when i realised, i had ended up at the beach we hung out at earlier. i don't know why.

i think it was the best moment of my life.

when i had gotten on the sand i speed dialled Finneas and asked him that i had a video idea for 'everything i wanted.'

when she asked what it was i told him. but before i got to hear his response i stepped on the gas and dropped my phone. putting both hands on the wheel as i drove faster and faster. i could hear him faintly in the distance yelling my name. but i didn't answer.

i pictured the moments we had togther. good and bad. dancing in the moonlight with the sand in between our toes. when we argued and she cried. the times we broke into Grove City shopping mall and stole stuff. when she slapped me.

it all went to waste. why? because i fucked up. and why did i fuck up? because i can never just accept that for once, i love my life and i feel good about my life. and someone truly, genuinely cares.

the oceans water splashed violently into my car as i accelerated. i felt myself sinking. drowning. but not just emotionally. physically too. the water filled up from the bottom the car first. then seeping through the windows it came. engulfing me whole.

finally putting an end to this miserable. miserable life.

i guess i got every i wanted.