By

~

Hello fellow earthlings of the world.

I gonna do my best not to be Cliché asf by sounding like John Green and saying orbs when referring to eyes and shit like that.

Cause let's be honest, that shit is annoying.

But anyway this is my story of how much of a fuck up I am.

Have fun reading!!!

My name is Eli (pronounced E-Lie), and my favorite colors are pink, yellow, blue, and purple. Purple just because I like the color purple damn it! Pink, yellow, and blue because duhhh Pansexual flag.

I'm your casual agender person who has more feminine clothes in their closet because they haven't come out to their mom.

Great.

I'm also that person who you think is Bisexual but actually thinks everyone under the sun is hot asf because I'm Pansexual so yeah.

Ok well in 7th grade there was this girl that came to our school and she was new. I met her through another friend and she told me she was bisexual. Sometimes when we were together she'd say I was cute and things like that. One day we were messing around in the halls and talked alot and I started to like her back but at the time I was supposed to be "straight" I started thinking about what it would be like to kiss her and things like that and I was OK with it. Because i liked her. Seriously, i was fantasizing about her most of the time because i couldn't stop thinking about her. On Valentine's day she kissed me on the cheek and said she liked me too. But then she got sent away to another school and I couldn't talk to her anymore which made me really upset.

From there I thought I was bisexual.

Little did I know that there was more than just the LGBT.

Earlier this year I went to a camp. It was for only 3 days and was an open space for LGBTQ+ members and all races. Its an organization to help stop discrimination and oppression. When we got there we put all our things in our cabins and went to lunch. When I was in line there was this really cute person sitting at a table near me.

Seriously I felt myself blushing and I'm black, that's hard to do.

We were assigned groups to be in and the leader of mine was the boy I saw at lunch he was. He was SOOOOOO cuteeeeeee. His smile was just so adorable and his laugh was tiny but cute. But anyway i talked to him about a lot of things but I don't think he liked me the way I liked him. He's really sweet and his smile is just absolutely gorgeous I can never stop talking about it. He made me realize I was Pansexual and I told him that before camp was over and he told me he was happy he helped me find myself. ( lets call him Daniel.) I still talk to him sometime but I'm not sure if I want to catch feelings for him anymore so I'm trying to stay low a bit. It just seems a bit weird since he doesn't like me. But seriously we've had some deep conversations.

Let's not forget that he ALSO helped me realize I was agender too.

Yeah, this boy has had a huge impact on me.

So on another camping trip with he same organization, there was a day where we talked about gender. There was a cisgender Female group, cisgender male group, and a trans/non-binary/ non-conforming group.

(Just an insider at camp we say the gender pronouns we want to be called. I always say me/myself/and I because I don't like saying she and her. Even though my genitals say otherwise.)

So I first stood with the cisgenders female group. Then, I looked around and then at the floor and thought, "this doesn't feel right."

I look across the room and saw the cisgender male group. I know for sure I didn't below other there. Then I looked at the same group of trans/non-binary/ non-conforming. I went with them and in the group Daniel was in it. We all had a really amazing talk with each other, there was an endless about of laughs and coming out stories. After I talked to them, and everyone at camp was together again, I stood up and told everyone I was Pansexual. There was about 50-79 people there was it was the first big group of people I can out to.

Let me tell you, I almost took a shit on myself cause I was that scared.

Skipping ahead a few weeks later, I found out that I don't want to be seen as a girl. Yes, I have a C cup of boobs which are hard to bind when you have no binder. Plus let's not forget my full on feminine closet because my mom is always pushing on the dresses and shit. My dad is no help either, I looked at a shirt I liked in the more masculine section at Macy's and he said, "that's too manly for you."

Bitch, don't get me started on what's too manly. Your dick is the size of a Mike and Ike.

You couldn't even recognize who I am because your bald head was too far stuck up your ass.

Don't get me started.

I still try my best anyway but at the same time, I don't want to be seen as a boy or a girl. I want people to look at me and just see me.

No gender, no boobs, no label of clothing.

I just want you to see me.

That's what made me realize I was agender.

So there's my fuck up story and how much of a complicated person I am.

Bisexual- Pansexual+ agender= a shitty person named Eli.

Hope you enjoyed this dumb ass shit that is my story.

Byeeeee.