[Skylar]

*~*~*

Recovering is not salvaging.

Salvaging is not repairing.

To salvage, is to merely gather the broken pieces.

To repair, is to put those broken pieces together.

To recover, is to have the mind to make use of those repaired pieces.

Or some might say;

Self consciousness.

*~*~*

1 year ago, Age 22

It was my last day interning at the school, high school students are really something else but the students were all nice to me. They wrote me a card this morning during homeroom and now I'm taking more or less the same class for a final time in Music. Teaching is definitely everything and nothing I expected, I love it though, taking care of young souls like I once was. So cool!

"Are you going to be back here Mr. Cook?" Brason asked, he's a very nice boy with an incredibly talented voice. They are all in their second last year of school and those that are doing music really have a thing for it or are pursuing to do something with it and that makes me so happy for them.

"Oh Brason. I don't know yet, I have a couple months more of university before I can really apply to schools, but I hope you will all have me back. It's a great school here." Of course, I've always aimed to be a primary school teacher, high school isn't too bad though, not as bad as when I was in school. But that might only apply to this school, I'd be damned if I went back to the one I came out of.

"Oh... I hope you come to my final exam performance. Your voice is amazing." He compliments, a boy by the name of Taylor comes over. Taylor Gunnolf, the school's 'it boy'. He's a very free soul, super charming and charismatic. He's also very kind and compassionate. As a teacher, he probably isn't the best influence, he gets into fights for justice, the topic of distraction in materialistic girls, but to me, this boy is nothing but a heart of gold and a mind of great intentions.

"I hope you come back, see me beat those homophobic pricks to dust." Taylor swings his fists, faking to hit Brason, the boy just laughs. They are good friends. I'm really going to miss all of them. Maybe I will come back to teach high school some day. I mastered in art and music along with my education certificate. So I do have qualification to be a senior's teacher.

I frown when I see Taylor frown, he's a really tall and well built boy for his age, but I am glad he is a nice kid. He reminds me of Felix. Justice carved into his chest and wears his strength on his sleeves. "School's going to be so fucking boring without you Skylar..."

"Hey don't swear in school." I wave my pen in front of him, smiling as Brason chuckles. "You'll live Taylor. I used to have a speech impediment, and I'm not proud of it. My best friend helped me a lot and you resemble him. And see where I am now, teaching a bunch of distracted pillars of the future." I told him outright, he deserves the love. Unfortunately, rumours go around in the staff rooms, and from what I heard, Taylor has had significant issues with his sexuality and home. And I want him to know that, if it's true, he should be proud that he is standing here, alone.

I pull Taylor aside for a quick word, I'd really like to be my usual preppy self, but high school standards are high (no pun intended) and I'm not going to get kicked out on my last period of my last day. "What's wrong teach? I'm not in trouble, am I? That asshole Leo deserved it." He growls, he really resembles Felix.

"No Taylor." I soften my voice, growing incredibly attached to this kid. I've always had a soft spot for people that suffer problems and have to pretend they are fine. Great minds think alike, not saying I am great. "I heard things. And I'm sorry if this isn't true. But it's because someone that behaves exactly like you that I get to stand here today and live life the way I do. Don't let other's bring you down, if you don't learn anything from me, at least take away this one thing." He looks like he's about to cry, still with a smile on his lips, and so was I. I don't want to believe that Taylor is suffering, he's too kind for that. "If you don't save yourself first, don't think about saving others. You might not be lucky like I am and have someone behind my back all the time..."

He shrugs, blinking back the tears. "I'll... think about that." He steps backwards, "Thank you. Sky."

~

"How do you tame this tangle of human Felix? His limbs worse than my ex wife's hair when she wakes up." I hear dad grumble, "You are going to hurt yourself Skylar. Wake up for a moment, please." I yawn and relax my arms and legs. Dad sighs, "Thank god, I don't want to move your head injury."

I remember that Dad and I fell asleep watching TV last night, we are still outside on the sofa bed. Dad is a very good mattress all on his own, but he's old and I don't want to hurt him. I lift my head slowly, and flop gently down on the other side of the couch. "Morning dad." I yawn, it seems that after sustaining a head injury, no amount of sleep is too much sleep. Not that I am complaining, I already had a whole week of bed rest, but my head still spins whenever I move it the wrong way.

"The sky looks like it's PMSing, I'm going to hang around here for a while." Felix taught me that PMSing means they are undergoing mood swings and judging from the terrible blizzard the day I got hurt till now, it's still looks like it could drop another round of snow. Dad stands and stretches, "I need to start lifting again or these old bones are going to melt and fall apart..."

The word 'sky' rings in my head, making me squeeze my eyes shut, I vaguely remember someone saying that. The word is beyond common, but this particular time hearing it is triggering déjà vu. Is my brain playing tricks on me? After a whole week?

"I need to speak to Roman. Or Aaron. Can you take me dad?" He gives me a side eye, telling me it's not going to happen. "Please daddy?" I hug his waist and look up, he doesn't budge. "Okay, I'll go tomorrow." I sigh, putting this off will only drag things out, and the last thing I need is to make this a process longer than it needs to be, the more time it takes for those two to reconcile the more it will drive me nuts. Roman and Aaron are a fine duo, they just need to speak to each other. Under controlled conditions.

I start thinking, if I set up some sort of rendezvous situation for the two would it work out? Probably not, they won't speak to each other. It's probably better if I start with a phone call, I notice the missed calls from Owen. Owen is such a sweet person, he loves anime which is a surprise. I should get into anime if I have time, seems like it's a good source of entertainment.

"Aloha Dr. White." I giggle, knowing that he hates when people call him doctor.

"Give me a moment Skylar." I hear barking, lots of them. I'd like to visit his shelter sometime soon, I haven't seen Petra in a long time too. "Sorry, I was checking on Clank." I remember Clank, Owen told me about this new born puppy, he's super small and adorable. "Right, I wanted to call you to see if you were alright. How's recovery."

"Oh, you could've just texted. But I'm doing alright. Nothing terrible has happened." Shrugging as dad walks across the living room into Felix's weight room, or really it's just Ryland's office, we ran out of space. I don't think they mind though, they basically live inside each other's brains. "Anything else?"

I hear a door close on his end of the line. "W-well... I- Never mind, this is stupid."

Owen isn't one to come to other's for help, not unless it's significant enough that he can't solve it himself. Owen is very smart and calculating, so perhaps it's something to do with emotions that he can't deal with? A boyfriend? I didn't know he was dating anyone. "Is this a boy problem Owen?"

"Jesus, you are freaking me out..." He sounds genuinely shocked, "How do you guess these things? Aaron was right about you being psychic."

"I'm Mojo Jojo, I have big brains." I joke, "Who's this lucky man?"

"I don't know what he wants, but he always comes into the shelter to flirt with the girls and then death stare at me for no reason. It's creepy, but he's really, really hot." I chuckle, knowing Owen, it's probably an infatuation thing. He gets crushes very easily. But the fact that he comes to me for advice makes me think this might be a little more.

"Just talk to him. Make friends, I'd like to come help but dad is imprisoning me." I look behind me at Ryland's office, door stil closed.

"I'll see what happens, thanks for calling back. I got worried."

"I might have fallen asleep on the couch with dad last night."

"Right. Typical Sebastien moment." He chuckles.

~

Tar.

The tension is thick like tar. I've done nothing to make Roman upset, but from his slightly twitchy attitude I can tell he's not in a good mood, neither am I to be honest. I'm sick, and I snuck out of the apartment, got caught by dad and now he's escorted me from home all the way to Roman's store. "Can we talk? Please?"

Felix almost combusted when he saw me walk in just 2 minutes ago, but I convinced him that this is very important to me. To see their relationship fall is like seeing mine fall. And I'm not the usual case, so this is more than just about them. I want them to realise how important it is to be in love and be able to cherish it. Because I know that if I am, I wouldn't let my head get complacent with who I am in front of my partner. I'd fight for what it is worth and to me, it would mean the world.

"It's alright Roman, I'll take the front." Felix comes and offers, I'm glad he is in with this, because I need to fix it and this is how I will do it. Just to use my words, if push comes to shove then I will speak to the other half of this broken mirror. They bring out the worst in each other. But also the best. "Don't hurt him alright? I don't want to end whatever we have because of a petty fight."

Roman relaxes slightly, tension reducing from tar to an unrefined, thick, goopy, honey. "Let's talk in my office, I already know what this is about..." I smile at Felix and dad, the two of them step back silently.

If there is one thing I can be proud of, it would be my words. I know what to say, and who to say them to. But sometimes, words fail me. I'm not superman, I can't bend metal back into shape if it is already snapped in half. Done and dusted.

"How are you feeling?" He asks politely, "I'm sorry I didn't get to visit you, and I'm sorry that Paris got you into this melting pot of bad choices. The- never mind, I'm not going to sugar coat the reasoning." He falls backwards on the couch, burying his face in his hands. "I fucked up Skylar. I didn't want to. I really didn't."

I let himself think a little. Thinking is good, it makes people realise their mistakes, not that I don't believe Roman knows what he's done wrong already. He's just stubborn to apologise. "That's fine, I'm alright. At least Paris is safe and sound, her hat is too." Roman chuckles, doesn't sound all that sincere to me, but baby steps is what I have to work with here. "I'm not going to pretend I don't know what happened. I brought the two of you together, and I'm going to fix it."

"What happened to happy fun time Skylar?"

"He's not the one fit for this situation."

"You are the last person I want to disappoint, Skylar. Really, I am sorry." He sits up right, even in this state, his moment of weakness isn't lesser. He's a strong man, just needs to let his pride die a little. Being weak is really not what it means, it just implies that you are strong enough to recover and repair. "Fucking hell, you scrutinize people better than Dr. Phil."

It took me some time, but I figure out how people's minds work eventually, Roman needs reassurance, everyone does, but he needs it desperately.

"I'm not upset with you Roman. Nor am I disappointed."

"That's new." He rolls his eyes.

I chuckle a little, "I just want to know what happened. Not physically, what happened inside your head." I sound like a psychologist, which isn't a bad thing, from all the counselling sessions that Felix had booked me in for, I've picked up a couple conversational responses.

"I don't know... I just didn't feel anything." I was going to ask him what he meant, but that'd be ignorant, I'm not him I wouldn't know, sure, but if I were in his situation I wouldn't want to answer to my insecurities up front. He has to choose what he wants to tell me, but either way, I will work with what I get and make this conversation worthwhile. "I got shit pissed at myself for not feeling any urgency when you were laying in a hospital."

I should've been offended and he instantly sits forward, trying to correct his wording. "Don't take this personally, it applies to evero- Fuck! That is not what I meant, it's not that I don't care for you, I do. It's just because I'm a fucking retard and I can't feel anything other than anger and lust."

Feelings are confusing, especially new ones. I have no doubt in my mind Roman has felt happy at least once, felt loved at least once, felt important at least once. But he is cognitively biased, he doesn't recognise the fact that he feels things that everyone feels. He only zooms in on the stuff that are negative.

My head hurts from overthinking, it's not often that I use this side of my personality, I like living simple and happy. Being deep and meaningful is taxing, but I'll do whatever it takes to salvage this relationship. The fact that Roman is talking to me one on one is a big step and I won't lose this opportunity. "My head kind of hurts now." I pout.

He stands and walks over to my side, taking my face in his hands and tilting it to the side where the gash is. "Are you okay? Do you want me to grab your dad?" it is fact that his voice doesn't fluctuate from emotion, but I can tell he is worried.

"No no, I'm fine." I smile brightly, "Do you want to get back with Aaron?" He let's go of my head cautiously, then sits on the floor in front of me, sighing. "How did you feel when you walked off?"

"I want to be with Aaron. I should've just called him when I wanted to... Not look at pictures of him on google and pretend that is the real thing." He lets his hair down, and plays with the hair tie. I am assuming it's a nervous habit. Everyone has one, I hum songs, Felix tenses every muscle he has in his body (admittedly that's better than being violent), the most important part is Roman feels nervous, he just doesn't realise.

"Are you nervous Roman?" With him sitting on the ground and me on the couch, his head still reaches my forehead. It kind of reminds me of the first day I met Felix. That back alley, the tears and pain, the scars on our bodies. The dread, the anguish, those feelings.

"I don't like talking about myself." he states simply, nothing wrong with it. But nothing is ever wrong in my world.

"I'm going to get to the point. You know, so you can apologise properly to Aaron." I slide down and sit on his lap, hugging him. "I love you Roman, I really do. Seeing Aaron and you fall to bits is really upsetting. But the fact that you said you feel nothing, that's just not true."

"Think of the times that we had fun together, you felt happy right? I saw you smile at the bowling alley. And you do worry about me, when I told you my head hurts you jumped at me." I empathise with him, it's a downfall, really. I get attached to people and I never want to leave. Just... Like... Taylor? Where did I hear that name before?

I freeze, not knowing what I'm thinking about. But silent shaking breaks me from my trance. Roman's strong arms come around my torso, enveloping me in a hug. He's vulnerable, I hate to say it, but I think I broke him. Just a little. "How about the times that you take care of Paris, being with her at a carnival even though you don't like children." He grips tighter, my ribs ache badly, but it doesn't feel excruciating.

"The kisses you gave Aaron at the Christmas party. You were smiling then too." I remember a song, a very fitting song for this occasion.

"You can here it in the silence, silence, you

You can feel it on the way home, way home, you

You can see it with the lights out,

You are in love, true love

You are in love..." - You Are In Love, Taylor Swift.

"Everybody needs a little more love in their life. My kind of love doesn't fulfil that." I pull away, wiping away some of his tears, he looks like a child when he cries, "Aaron's does. Don't you think so?" I smile.

"You don't want to believe you have emotions because you think keeping to yourself is all you need to do to be safe. Safety doesn't come if you are alone, you might be safe on the outside but without that little bit of special love, you won't ever be safe from yourself." I hug him again, and he does the same, firmly. "Do good by yourself. Don't fall apart, there are more people out there that need you. If there aren't, I do, Felix does, Ryland does, dad does, Owen does. Aaron, definitely does."

I feel my eyes water. The tears build, they over flow, and fall. Just like love. You build it, you get overwhelmed, and you fall. In love.

Roman is just overwhelmed, that's all he is. He's new to his own feelings, and there are firsts to everything. Love is a common one, but happiness, excitement and delight are just the same, just that those who live without them are less fortunate. And that's what I am here for. To give joy and love.

Being small and short doesn't make me weak, nor does it make me strong. I have to earn strength, and I have to succumb to my own weaknesses.

Being big and tell doesn't make him strong, nor does it make him weak. He has already earned strength, now he just needs to fall victim to his own weaknesses.

"I'm sorry Skylar. I'm sorry I'm such a bastard..."

"You said sorry many times today, I doubt saying it ten more times to a different person would make a difference. Let alone someone you love." I nuzzle his long hair, it smells like lavender. An oddly precious scent for someone like Roman. "Don't you love him?"

He just sits and grips onto me, both of us on the floor, sharing something special. Not special enough to be that sort of love, but every time these moments happen. I fall in love a little with the person, just a very tiny bit. Not because they hug me like they need me, or treat me like a lifeline. It's just because I think about what it would be like if I fell in love with someone, would they go to these lengths for an apology? Would they alter their minds to make room for me?

Or will it be different? Like the time I ever loved my mother, and the time that she played my heart. And the time I realised that for once, not everyone deserves a second chance by me. The time that I decided someone isn't worth fighting for.

"I do love him. I think I do."

~

Roman and Aaron don't talk much, but you can hear it in the silence that they care for each other.

They don't have to be next to each other either, even miles apart I can feel the undying connection.

Light isn't needed for them to see each other. Just like that blacked out night at the Christmas party, that kiss under the mistletoe.

The only light they need is the one living in the other's eyes. The kind of light that leaves behind no shadow. The kind of light only that special someone sees it. The kind of light that, even a self proclaimed shadow, can conjure.