[Felix]

*~*~*

These battle scars,

Don't look like they're fading.

Don't look like they're ever going away.

They ain't ever gonna change.

These battles...

-- Battle Scars, Lupe Fiasco (ft. Guy Sebastien)

*~*~*

My fist collides with a dark figure, backlit by the morning sun. There's a blank space in time for a brief period of time, no one says anything, not a thing moves. It's as if I've bent time with my punch, waiting for the consequences to catch up with me.

And it does.

Laying on the ground is a frail figure, wiping away tears and blood alike. The punch is supposed to relieve my stress, it doesn't. The stress keeps layering on like snow at a glacier. Compressing my existence into a solid state, moving slower than time did just a moment ago.

The blood, the bruise, the tears. His tears, my tears. I was provoked to hit my best friend's brother, and I actually hit my best friend. I wanted to cry, and I did. I already was.

My eyes shoot open, I'm covered in cold sweat. I don't dare to move an inch, knowing that the person clinging onto me is a heavy sleeper unlike me, and I'd be damned if I wake him after ravishing him last night. I thought I was back to normal, feeling more confident and happy about who I am. But no, I still feel weak, like I'm sore from a battle I had fought valiantly. Ironic thing is, Ryland was the one to fight his own battle, I didn't. And I am proud of him.

I ignore the uncomfortable feeling of sweat against the comforter and focus on my breathing, we are both still naked, for obvious reasons. To think that months ago, all I wanted to do was to hit Ryland, and instead I hit someone equally as important. Perhaps more important at the time, but equally now.

Ryland has his face tucked into the side of my chest, his steady breathing cooling my heated skin from the nightmare. Our legs tangled and arms around each other, like a married couple. I smile to myself. He had said he loved me, I thought he would never come to that conclusion, perhaps a different one. We are very separated in our way of thinking, but the fundamental morals are what brings us together.

I get startled when an alarm goes off, Ryland scrunches up his eyebrows for a moment, and turning his head slightly so his forehead is against my chest. I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep. All of a sudden he shoots up from the bed, then stops moving, I feel a hand on my chest, tracing a faint scar that runs down my ribs. Either a surgery scar or a fight induced one, either way, I remember there was a scar along my side. He presses a kiss to my forehead, then takes the sheets down to my lower half, he must have seen me sweating.

"Ah, fuck." Ryland groans, I tense, knowing that I hurt him in our late night endeavors last night. I hear a bunch of cabinet opening and closing; probably dressing himself. The bed dips, and I feel a cold cloth come in contact with my chest. "Sweaty monkey..." he whispers, I know he hates it when I'm sticky after going to the gym or boxing. "You're lucky I love you. Or else I'm not going to be touching you stinky ass sweat bank of a person."

With one last kiss to my lips he leaves.

I want to groan out loud, feeling conflicted that I have to revert back to being an asshole because I know one day this emotional trough will go away. The one thing I will regret the most after that would be the lack of love I show to Ryland. Unlike Skylar, I can't just let him touch me and hug him, kiss him on the forehead once in a while and call that love. I want to be able to show him physically, like last night, or take him on romantic dates that I know he loves. Now I'm just making myself sweat more than before.

The door opens, and I hear a series of strange grunts then a tray settling on my bedside table. Breakfast in bed? He's spoiling me. I pretend to have just woken up, stretching and blinking excessively. "Good morning, How are you feeling today?" Ryland says in a mocking room service lady voice.

"I want to cuddle and be a pile of slop for another day." I admit, pouting drastically and crossing my arms. He laughs out loud, making the corner of my mouth twitch up.

"Pretending to be a child doesn't work when your substantial dick is just hanging out with the morning sun." He sips on the breakfast juice that he brought in for me. "I love you Felix." He puts it down and climbs in my lap before kissing me. "Now let me spoil you for a day before you flip back into your primal senses and pretend like you hate my guts."

Damn I can get used to this, being pampered like a sick househusband. It feels really good. "I love you too Ryland." Morning breath isn't attractive so I don't open my mouth like I usually do, and just press a loving kiss on his lips.

~

"Don't you love early morning runs?" I ask Ryland, breathing heavily since we had just finished said run. "It's so fresh and crisp."

"Sorry to burst your bubble, but I can't keep up with you. Like seriously." I wrap my arms around his waist, and kiss him on the nose. "If we ever get married, I am not going to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to go running with you."

Marriage. I'd like that, not soon, but some day. Preferably with Ryland. No, definitely with Ryland, I know I'm not going to find something like this in anyone else. Our lives entwined years ago for a reason, and to think we only admitted we like each other recently, that's just stupid on my part. My judgmental, scrutinizing personality that leave no option but resent for anyone that isn't Skylar.

Admittedly I haven't changed much, I still get snappy when people try to undermine my family but that's extended past Skylar.

Skylar...

"Fuck! We have to go. Skylar is waiting!" I want to make out with Ryland so badly, but now isn't the time. Especially not out in the open.

"Felix, visiting hours is in half an hour, we can just drive there slowly. I know you sped yesterday afternoon." His eyes reprimanding every move I make, I couldn't deny it though, I had been shit scared from the phone call. I can't lose any of these people and I have yet to speak to Skylar in detail about the incident.

The air is still cold and brisk but the run made me warm and energized, the amount of snow on the ground is unforgiving, thank whatever's up there that it's not snowing right now or I would be swimming through this freezing fluff. My fingers weave through his, walking side by side while kicking away snow that's made itself a nuisance on the sidewalk.

I hear a distant snap, for a moment I thought that I am hearing things, but when I turn around I almost storm over to the other side of the road and swing my fist in the guy's face. He's destroying my enjoyable morning and he's being a creepy stalker. But of course, it had to be Sebastien standing there with a camera clicking away with a shit eating smile on his face.

"Keep walking! This is going to be on the camera roll of your wedding." He yells and Ryland chuckles, except there's nothing funny about this, if there is going to be a wedding, I'd rather someone professional do the photos. I love Sebastien to death but he is just too much sometimes, he's old, he should just do what old people do and lounge around. Not stalking his son at 8 in the morning on the other side of the street.

Face palming did nothing, because by the time I look up again I see Ryland's sweet smile. It prompted me to smile too. I take both his hands in mine and lean down to kiss him. Sebastien better have got this on his camera, it's not often I feel this good. "I love you." I whisper.

He says the same, but only sounding about 17 million times better, sweeter and warmer. "Alright! That's a wrap let's go visit my child." Sebastien runs across the road, illegally. I don't take my eyes off of Ryland though, it seems like every second looking into his eyes is a new battle that I have to fight. A battle that I lose every single time. "Children, children, keep it PG 13."

"I'm 23 dad..." Ryland says, and pecks me on my lips. I smile.

"Holy fuck he's smiling. Something is really wrong." Sebastien leans down and looks up in hopes of catching my expression, I don't care. I just want to love Ryland. "Did you two have sex?" Ryland smacks his father, I just tuck Ryland under my arm. "You did!"

"Dad. Shut the fuck up before I put cyanide in your birthday cake." That is a low blow, because apparently food is a valid currency of blackmailing around this family. And so, we walk with little interruptions.

It didn't stop Sebastien from snapping photos though.

~

"Shush dad." Skylar scolds, Pokémon just ended and Adventure Time just came on, he's waiting to sing the introduction because he knows every single word to it. The scary thing is, Skylar makes it sound good. I know, shiver away.

"You really shouldn't sing Skylar, you're tearing your throat up." Sebastien offers some water, the doctor's already dismissed him, but he wanted to finish his morning television routine before we leave. The routine is an obsession, and it's been around for years. Not that I mind, Gunther is my favorite.

A solid 20 minutes later, Skylar declares that we can leave. I walk next to Skylar, wanting to speak to him about what happened. It doesn't sit well with me that he's not sharing these things with me, pneumonia isn't something that happens spontaneously, he's got to have at least all of yesterday to build up his sickness.

"What actually happened Skylar." I ask quietly.

"I wasn't feeling well in the morning and it's cold but I had to go to school either way, so I toughed it out and got really sick by midday. We were missing one of the kids after lunch so I went to fetch her, it was Roman's baby sister, her hat got caught in the bushes from the wind. I offered to help and then I don't remember." He scratches the bandage that goes around his head, he had a concussion so it's normal he didn't know what happened. "Sorry Felix... I know I made you all worked up..." He sounded like he was about to cry.

I know that voice like the back of my hand, the slight tingly ending to his sentence and the droop in his tone.

"it's alright Skylar. You... you actually helped Ryland and I." I look forward to see Sebastien taking photos of the lake, Ryland talks enthusiastically about this new book series that's coming out soon. I would be just as excited about it if I actually read. "I love him. As much as I love you."

Skylar looks up, and smiles. A Skylar signature 'fight the tears' smile. He grows silent for a moment, "You did the things didn't you?" Never in a million years would I think I'd have a conversation with Skylar about my sex life. But he's mature enough to take this seriously. And if Skylar wants to speak to me about something mature like this, then I will comply, with equal maturity.

"Yeah." There's no reason to be embarrassed with Skylar, I know no matter what I speak about, there will always be no judgment. And even if he does judge, he will make it short and clear, no beating around the bush. That's how Skylar is, he is mature and he is capable.

"Well, make sure you do it right and safe. I don't mind noise, just don't hurt each other." He throws a snowball he's made at a fire hydrant and it shatters. "I like you two together. All the boyfriend and girlfriends you had before aren't nice."

It's true that I've brought people home before, mostly friends with benefits. If they were actually considered 'friends', it's always when I'm drunk that I have sex with them in my apartment, usually choosing the days I know Skylar won't be around, to be fair it was only 3 or 4 times it had happened, but hearing him say that, I'm sure he either caught the aftermath of one of my late night endeavors or came home just in time to catch me red handed. He never interrupted or did anything about it though.

"Well, I'd be concerned if you don't think your own brother is nice." I nudge his shoulder, attempting to do something about this serious topic to make it less heavy. Skylar only huffs, mumbling something under his breath. "What's that Cookie?"

"It was always you who thought he was a bad person. Now you and him are doing the thing and kissing everywhere." he throws his arm up and winces from pain. He still wears a smile though, pain doesn't bother him, as long as it doesn't come from the inside. "But I guess it's better than having to meet the two of you separately."

"I still blame him for making you work overtime."

"He doesn't anymore."

"I do not do that!" Ryland chimes in.

"Did your parents not teach you to not eavesdrop?" I retort quickly, afraid that he is upset with me that I talked about our sex life with his brother.

"That is one of the many things on the list of 'morals I forgot to teach my children'. Ain't that right kids?" Sebastien laughs, sometimes I forget he's their father. Or he's a father in general.

~

Halfway through my date with Ryland, I remember something rather important. "Do you have news on Aaron and Roman?" I ask quietly over the classical music, quickly pulling out my phone to text Owen, he might know something. I don't talk to Owen much but I know that he's very busy at the shelter. Apparently he treats more animals a day than a doctor treats humans. Responsibilities, I already have enough of them.

"No... I hope they don't self-destruct." Ryland sighs, no one knows this, but right before Christmas his mom called him and it pissed him off because of that whole Aaron marriage deal. Not saying I'm not bothered by it, I am extremely bothered but that's not the point. Point is, ever since that night he's been hardcore shipping Roman and Aaron. Gave them a ship name too, Aaroman.

Cringe worthy, but the next best thing would be Roron, Perromon or Solorry. Each sounds even worse than the last.

"They'll be fine, maybe we should set them up so they'll talk."

"Talking isn't really in the dictionary of rationality in your boss's book." He points out and that is extremely true. "Stop side tracking me Felix. I'm trying to introduce you to something romantic." He gestures around him.

And truth be told, it is very romantic. Overbearing almost. But it's a cute effort from his part, I caught him calling up the restaurant while Sebastien was asking Skylar and I for opinion on his photography. And I have to say, that man has a niche for it. He captures the most bizarre moments but at the same time makes them mean more than just a photo. He's self taught too which is impressive to say the least.

"-elix, babe, baby, macho man, lover, dear future husband, hello?" Ryland snaps his fingers in my face. "I know you are fragile, didn't expect you to lose your sanity in 0.2 seconds." He smiles when I smile at him. I like the sound of dear future husband. Even though I am more than certain it is a reference to that song he loves.

"No, I'm here. I'm good." I take his hand and kiss his knuckles. "I love you Ryland."

He takes his hand away from mine, "You ignored my lecture about communication with, ironically, not communicating with me. An 'I love you' ain't going to do it lover boy." He crosses his arms across his dress shirt. Ryland looks great cleaned up, but I still like him wearing a baggy hoodie with sweatpants more. "But granted the circumstances, I will have to compromise. I love you too."

We finish our food, skipping dessert since I already skipped the gym for a couple of days, putting sugar in my body will just provoke the guilt even more. The two of us walk around arms linked walking down a sandy shore.

"Isn't this one hell of a cliché?" I ask, looking down at Ryland. I hate being so tall sometimes, I can't see his face when he's all cuddled up to my arm like this, all I see his hair, very nice hair, but very nice hair isn't going to kiss me and make me feel special now, is it?

"Walking down a beach with our shoes and socks off while holding hands with the love of my life?" He throws back. "It wouldn't be a cliché if it didn't work Felix."

"I know, I know." Kissing the top of his head, "Have you noticed that Skylar is... different?"

"He feels more grown up after dad came. Why?" He looks up, those blue eyes twinkling like a diamond in the dark. "Felix? You're spacing out a lot. Are you alright?"

"Yeah... I'm just... distracted." By how beautiful you are. "But I feel like Skylar's drifting away from me... He didn't tell me he was sick, and he didn't say anything about the joint class event yesterday. I could have ditched Roman to take care of him..." I drop my shoes on the sand and sit down right before the shoreline. Overseeing... nothing.

One night of love making, romantic date and a lot of kisses later, I'm still not poetic and romantic enough. I tried, okay?

"He's mature, more than you and I." I nod, knowing that it's the truth. "I think it's good that he's taking things in his own hands, he will learn from this mistake. I trust him. He's Skylar, he can do anything he wants."

"Fuck..." I feel like crying, knowing that the same beat up little kid is no more, he's now 23 capable of turning the tides, building his own confidence, making his own decisions, lighting up a person's life or 4. He's done Ryland and I a lot of good, just by being there. I have faith that whatever is going on between Aaron and Roman will be fixed, they are bonded by the same person. It has to work.

Ryland leans his head on my shoulder, fingers laced together, hearts no longer beating as two imperfect halves nor are they beating as one.

They beat in unison; as two full hearts.

Full from love that the other person gives.

I let the tears go. Knowing that I don't have to fight his battles anymore, I don't have to fight anyone's battles but my own.

And my own is a battle against myself;

The expectations of a guardian,

The reality of my past,

The responsibility of my unkempt emotions.

They leave behind battle scars, ones that don't fade easy,

Ones that, perhaps, will never fade.

They scatter across my arms, my torso, my legs.

My soul, my heart, my brain.

But those scars don't take away from who I am.

They make me a knight, a warrior, one that once fought other's battles for them.

One that took another's problems as their own,

One that learns how to let go.

Acknowledge my battle scars,

And love them for their meaning, their memories, their symbolic nature.

Because they look cool on me! Like a fucking badass warrior who's fought many wars.

His wars, their wars.

My wars.