[Ryland]

*~*~*

Words on a piece of paper don't mean anything,

It's the person that reads those words that put meaning to them.

It isn't a fact of could

Or couldn't;

It is a feeling of should

Or shouldn't.

The feeling is opinionated, no matter how objective a person is;

After all, 'feeling' does imply to be in touch with a conscience,

Only if, a conscience is present.

*~*~*

"Give me two seconds baby. I need to shave." Felix smears shaving cream all over his face, as if I would be upset if he didn't shave. I totally don't mind it, to be honest. There's very few people that can look good and without stubble, and I think Felix can do with both effortlessly. He's a very handsome man with a sexy rugged look when he has a beard, at the same time, he cleans up to be a sexy millionaire looking candidate. Get one that can do both they say. And I definitely did.

"We don't leave till an hour later Felix. You don't have to rush." I say hypocritically, I'm already in my suit with a tie and everything ready. Tonight is going to be a charity night that Aaron's company has set up, I'm invited because I am a shareholder on a very small scale, Aaron said it's more because he needs the company. Real tangible friendship that doesn't involve tits in his face and groping unsuspectingly through fancy clothes.

Agreeably, suits are the most uncomfortable article of clothing, knitted sweaters on bare skin just falling short behind. They constrict places that should be open, i.e. my airways and pelvis bone. The jacket is stiff, and the scratchy hems of my dress pants just always seem to make me frustrated. I was about to just turn up in smart casual, skinny jeans and whatever. But Skylar, Felix and dad all told me that this is an important event for one, and two, they just wanted to see me in a suit. Especially Felix, he said It gives me more curves. He thinks he can seduce me with a new style and cleanly shaven face. But... well there are no buts, he does look great in his own suit.

"Damn you look sexy baby. Even without your beanie and a thick ass book." Felix leans down to kiss me, wearing nothing at all. I'm not complaining. "Can you ring dad? He's supposed to meet with us downstairs." And I did just that, dad confirms that he is coming straight to our apartment before we all move off in one car. Skylar runs in with his tie slung around his neck.

"Mayday! Mayday! I tried to tie it but it doesn't work." Skylar looks a lot more like an English school kid in uniform than a 23 year old man in a suit, it fits him though, barely, and he doesn't seem to mind the clothing. A whiney Skylar is not a nice Skylar to deal with. "Help please! And why is Felix naked? You didn't do the thing again right?"

Skylar pokes my chest as I take his tie and do it up for him. "Stop talking before I blindfold you and tickle you till you cry." I conclude the double windsor knot with a flip of the tie to his nose, making him pout.

"What's up children! Papa Cook is in the fucking house!" Giving him the keys to the apartment was a bad mistake. He quickly walks into Felix and my room, his eyes flying to a naked Felix. "I see someone has good genetics both up and down." He winks. Why, why is this happening to me. Better question, why me of all people?

"Felix, put some clothes on. Dad, I live on the top floor but I still have neighbours. Skylar, Power Puff Girls rerun is on, go watch that." I pinch the bridge of my nose, I'm not embarrassed by my family, they just have a strange way of showing their love. I say that, but Felix is still his very unusual teddy bear self. It's quite unnerving at first, the Skylar accident has come and gone, it's almost a month after now. Today is February first and I shit you not, Felix has already been talking to me about a Valentines day date.

Never in a million years would I think Felix would be squishy and sweet. Though, just yesterday afternoon I was dealing with an employee dispute, Felix walks in on one of my more irritable staff yelling at me. I wasn't going to back down because that staff was being petty but Felix stepped in and taught him a lesson, with words.

Part of me was annoyed with him, the other part of me was proud that he is still the same old grumpy Felix with a scowl, just that the scowl isn't permanent anymore. And he hasn't lost his strong front, just in front of me that he decides to let himself go. Which is a big step in my books, it makes me know that he loves me just as much as I love him.

"I'm sorry baby. I didn't mean to upset you..." Felix leans down and wraps his arms around my hips, not sexually in any way. Contrary to his words, Felix really doesn't have a high libido at all, we've only 'done the thing' on weekends and it has always occurred naturally, not planned. He's just as much of a hopeless romantic as I am. Maybe that's a slight lie. "Rylie..." He sings, pulling out the childhood nickname card, Skylar taught him the trick, and as cute as it sounds, he still calls me Chef at any given chance.

"I'm not upset Felix. I'm not that shallow." I turn slightly to kiss his face, I kind of miss the stubble now. "Try to not walk around butt naked, I don't mind it but there are family around." He nods quickly then smiles at me before kissing me lightly on the temple.

"Of course you don't mind. You love little Felix..." He sways me from side to side.

"You call that this little, I call it the Tokyo Tower stacked on top of the Eiffel tower." I scoff, "Let's not be that couple and cuddle before going to an event alright? Get your ass ready, you've got 40 minutes."

Felix brings me up to his chest and kisses me again, a wide smile on his face. "Love you Chef!" he says while retreating into the wardrobe of unsorted clothes. It's my fault really, Felix is a very tidy man, it's just that when I do the laundry I always just put clothes of the same colour roughly together. He likes to sort them according to the type of apparel.

"Whatever loser." I tease, he fake gasps. "Love you too, Jelly Bean."

~

"Think there's someone over 40 and single in there? Preferably male?" Dad asks, he stands with his back straight and his shoulders squared, authoritative and strong looking. The topic he is talking about though, not very professional of him. We stand at one of those strange cocktail tables for fancy people where there are no chairs for them, it's pretty weird, if I'm a woman over 50 and I am wearing heels the last thing I want is to stand.

"Over 40? Probably everyone. Single? Probably less than 20. Gay? Probably 1 and very deep into Narnia." A voice behind us says, and there stood Aaron, with his usual tailored suit self. He looks great, I would've imagined a more fatigued and heartbroken version of him but I don't know enough to judge.

"Well, isn't this going to be boring as fuck." Dad mumbles, then promptly yawns. He claims that he's been up editing photos, I need some sort of décor for the walls of the newest bookstore, dad offered to whip out his long forgotten photography skills and help me out. He's actually not bad, and he has a passion for it, whatever to make my old man happy and productive.

Aaron walks closer, then I see it. Everything from fatigue to stress, the anxiety and weariness in his facial features. Even the wrinkles that frame his chocolate coloured eyes are more prominent, distance really messes with the impression of a person, especially when they are so good at masking their pain. Roman and Aaron are one and the same in some aspects, they are so incredibly good at not showing themselves as they truly are.

But everyone has a breaking point, Roman's reached his, I know. Skylar didn't say much about the conversation he had with Roman but he did mention he got really guilty and is going to change it. Skylar is like that though, he respects a person, and that extends to privacy and even beyond that, their opinions and values. It's an admirable quality to able to be firm about things like that.

"Are you alright? I hope you aren't overworking yourself." Dad and Aaron exchange hugs. The dim lights and classical music and fancy décor really make the ball room look a little more fantastical than it is. In reality, this room is filled to the brim with money craving people, to a more or lesser extent, everyone in this room just wants money, connections to people that want money at the small price of donating whatever their budget was to the charity cause. One that makes a difference and is actually worthwhile.

It is an LGBTQ+ community strengthening/ fund raising event in conjunction of sexual assault, he says it is courtesy of Owen and I, which really warmed my heart. The pain and self-degradation that goes on after whatever happened is not easy and dealing with it alone made it worse, years and years of weathering doesn't make it disappear, it's historical fact that something like that happened to me and I am sure Owen agrees.

And so Aaron shares that he is thinking of something sort of like a community centre for people of all ages that suffer from sexuality issues or sexual assault. It's a great cause, and I hope no one in this room is one of those hate cases or else I won't be responsible for my boyfriend going berserk.

Speaking of which, he spots little Owen walking towards us, in a dress shirt and pants but no coat. "Good evening." He greets, Skylar hugs him immediately, eliciting a smile from our new friend. He's such an adorable little man, not to mention smart as they come and stronger than titanium.

Unfortunately, Aaron has to sit with the higher ups but he managed to get the rest of us together at one table. There are 6 people but 7 chairs, I look at the name list:

I shit you not, I audibly gasp. I immediately show it around the table, this is not a good situation to be in, for them and for the social event. If they are going to fight, that would take a toll on the whole validity of this event that's promoting LGBTQ+ rights. But scratch that, I'm not going to let their relationship go downhill, I shipped them since the start and I'm not going to stop now.

"Don't worry. I spoke to him, he won't be here until the end." Owen speaks up, for once, he doesn't seem as fragile, at least on the outside. I know he's like my brother, he's not easily breakable. "Their fight involved me and I'm not going to strip happiness away from people that deserve it." He looks at Skylar, who nods approvingly, seemingly having something worked out already.

Dad fake wipes his tears, "My baby! So mature! They grow up so quickly." He lays his head on Owen's shoulder, who just looks around with pink cheeks and wide eyes. My father is either drunk or he is just that unentertained. "Ya'll should learn something from Owen." We start negotiating until someone speaks from the stage. Then we all simultaneously sit down and stop talking.

~

I have to say, this is not the most riveting I've been to, but it's not like I have gone to many of these events anyway, and it's not as if these events are particularly interesting in general.

At one point I take Felix's hand and start playing with his fingers, that tungsten ring still on his middle finger. And Skylar is right, he has a massive hand and fingers. "You want to go for a walk? I'm kind of bored..." Skylar whispers next to me, Felix looks over, and he asks the same thing except he shakes his head, busy playing flappy bird with his free hand. I nod though, knowing he won't stop fidgeting until we get out of this place. Even for 5 minutes.

As we approach the door, Aaron looks over, giving us a sympathetic smile and holding his hands flat together like he's praying and mouths 'sorry guys', at least he doesn't mind, it would be awkward if he got offended. I bump into Skylar, him staring off into the distant hallways, I follow his eyes. Seeing the most revolting scene in my life.

My mother kissing a man that isn't my father. Funny thing is, it'd be more revolting if she were kissing my father instead. She means less and less to me everyday, and the more I think about how venomous she was that night outside the hospital the more I want to make her guilty. The fact that her desires clouded the mind of a perfectly fine woman to become tyrannical almost, driving both her sons into a state of depression. She should be ashamed.

"I'm going to talk to her. Grab Dad and Felix please." Skylar whispers to me, the way he is presenting himself now is amazing. The phone call he got on Christmas morning, he was beyond shaken up, but now, he stands firm and confident, a newfound sense of heroism in his eyes. Determination to strike down the person that once contributed in making his life a living hell.

I comply, texting Felix since he is playing flappy bird and I know he has Skylar, Dad and I listed under important and the notification will get through for sure. Should I be next to him? Or let him do his own thing? Judging from his trembling hands, Skylar is scared.

But he is resilient enough to push it back.

"I'll be right here with you." I whisper at him, Mom continues speaking to the man, Skylar gives me a nod, solemn expression on his face before he walks over, not stopping once and stand right in front of our mother for the first time in 8 years.

The scene is powerful, seemingly enough to kick up a storm. My mother stands level with Skylar, they are about the same height, but clearly one is wearing heels. And as weird as Skylar is, it is not him wearing platform heels. Maybe I shouldn't crack jokes right now. "You destroyed your own life." Skylar says, expressionless. "Why did you do that to yourself?"

The door shoots open, Dad and Felix come in near me, looking at the same scenario play out. The strong stance, the wavering hands, determined tone and emotionless face. It is all very oxymoronic to me, and extremely strange knowing that Skylar is the one portraying these things.

"We loved you." Skylar merely stating. The intonation, or lack thereof, speaks volumes. How much pain is in his voice is cancelled out by how much love he feels for his own mother. And rightfully so, she brought us into the world, it is our job to care for her. The past tense, I never would have thought that Skylar would be so upfront and confrontational about something negative like this, he implies that he doesn't love her. Not only that, he is fighting for all three of us, not just himself.

He is taking on more responsibility than anyone.

But do I actually not love her? Should I feel some remorse? This pure feeling of dread in my system, is it the correct way to feel about this? Is it justified when she doesn't love us back? Or only does so on surface value, having ulterior motives on people that feel for her strongly.

A man that loved her enough to ask that one life changing question.

A son that loved her enough to give up his dreams for a single ounce of love.

A child that sought attention but was never granted, but never stopped, until it was too much for him.

And he had a sky high threshold.

I take dad's arm, he gladly curls me into his side, protectively, like a father should. He wasn't a good father, I admit, but he is good enough to own up to it and do what he could to rekindle the lost flame. It feels alright for a tenth of a second.

But like I said once, and again and again. Is anything actually alright?

Being alright would imply the state of tranquillity, serenity, untainted perfection. And perfection is not achievable, and now, I learnt that I don't want to achieve perfection.

I have a brother that is imperfect,

I have a father that is imperfect,

I have a boyfriend that is imperfect.

But yet, it feels alright, or close to alright. So maybe 'alright' is subjective. Not defined by what should be perfection. Or what shouldn't be perfection.

Since, perfection itself, is also subjective.