[Ryland]

*~*~*

Self doubt is like a rose's thorns,

They grow as you grow,

They stick out like a sore thumb,

They cause, a sore thumb.

But just like the rose, if it's not nurtured, it wouldn't be growing.

So perhaps, self doubt, is necessary?

Complacency results in arrogance,

And arrogance is the lack of self doubt.

Maybe it's helpful to question yourself once in a while.

After all, rose's thorns keep the feral animals away.

*~*~*

Remind me how people always end up pissing me off, but I always end up forgiving their asses. Probably because I'm a gullible idiot and want the world to be a blooming flower of rainbows and unicorns.

"Please, I swear I'll re-do the cake!" Felix trails behind me. This man, right behind me, thinks it's a great idea to take a chunk out of the chocolate cake that I made this morning purposefully for the staff at my bookstore. It is New Years day and I am looking for relaxation, not a fucking idiot boyfriend that presses the wrong buttons at just the right intervals.

"Didn't Skylar teach you not to swear? If you can come close to baking something and not setting my damn kitchen on fire, I will gladly let you help. But you just keep fucking around and do nothing productive!" That might have been harsh, but I'm mad and that's a good enough excuse... I hope.

Guilt washes over me when Felix stays where he is, no longer trailing after me from bedroom to kitchen and back. I turn to look at him, arms crossed and pouting like an total moron. He gives me puppy eyes. Because that will work, comedic how a bulk man like him falls for someone of my calibre of idiocy.

"Alright boys. I'm hoping for a wedding, not a funeral. Step away from the knives." Dad comes into the scene. He must be very comfortable in his skin because he's not wearing a shirt. This old man needs to learn some manners. To be honest I'm glad that he's taking care of himself. Failed marriages can take a toll on people, I'm just happy that my father didn't fall victim to it.

"Dad, please put on a shirt." I run my hand over my face, clearly not impressed. If there is one thing I don't like, that'd be naked people around the kitchen. Admittedly waking up to a half naked Felix frying eggs or making waffles would be hot as fuck, but it's not practical. Oil could flick onto his naked torso and burn him, and the aftermath of a burn is worse than effort of putting on a shirt or the loss of not seeing my boyfriends half naked. The housewife theme keeps coming back doesn't it. "And don't you dare touch the cake."

"Well it already has a quarter gouged out, might as well have the rest right?" Dad says with a shrug, already with a knife, fork and plate in hand. He does have a point, there's already a sector missing in there, might as well finish the whole thing. It's not like I spent the whole morning baking myself to death or anything.

The door unlocks, in walks Skylar and his, apparently new best friend, Owen. I notice a wince every now and then when Skylar takes a breath probably just the cold air. He's not good under this type of temperature but he still loves it. "I smell cake! I hear cake! I see a very naked dad, too!"

Fucking hell...

Might as well get my whole 6 branches worth of staff, everyone involved in the Solomon Empire and Roman's entire rental store to come over and have a fucking rave. At this point, I'm less mad. More stressed than mad.

Dad's iPad vibrates, threatening to fall over the edge of the counter. This cluster fuck of noise is getting to me. And it's just past 11:00 am. He picks it up and starts having a conversation with Aaron, oh joy. Wait, did I jinx myself with the whole staff party shit talk? I don't want thousands of people here, they wouldn't fit anyways.

"I need a break." I mutter, "Cake's on the counter." Ironic how most the people in this apartment eat like black holes but all have really fit bodies. I on the other hand, keep my diet intact for the most part. Felix used to do that too, but he let loose when dad came into the scene, bringing him to all the places in and out of town.

Of course, everyone flocks to the counter. In their state of attraction, I move to the terrace, where a garden is in place. It came with the apartment and I figure why not pretty it up. It's been a side project to decorate ever since I bought this place. I'd work on it every now and again, making sure to water the plants and make sure they don't die on me.

My instinct is to sit on the swing chair, savouring the slight breeze I create when moving, the chilly ice cold air keeping me sober from my thoughts. Not for long though, I know for a fact that someone is bound to check here for me. And it better not be Felix because I am still mad.

Alright maybe I'm not mad. I just like him being apologetic, he's always so grumpy. Him apologising is kind of cute.

I smile when my mind drifts to that conversation we had the first night we became a thing. He really does keep true to his word, he's a real bitch to deal with when he's being persistent and stubborn, or when he never shuts up about something I should or shouldn't do, I don't want to say he's a control freak, but he really just wants me to be safe and sound. I appreciate but he's kind of annoying. But in the end, we always make up in some way.

It might not be a one day argument, usually they go for a couple, but at some point, I notice my mistakes and he does so too. Albeit reluctantly, but his apologies hold sincerity, and that's all I hope for in him. He is a great man and I wouldn't trade him for gold.

Unless he cheats on me or does something unfathomable. Then I'll take a sack of potatoes over him.

"Y-you... alright there Ry-Ryland?" I look up when I hear a frail voice, Owen is shaking from the cold, I instantly remove a blanket from under the swing chair and motion for him to sit next to me. He does so without resistance and snuggles into the blanket, letting cold puffs of air trail behind every exhale.

"I'm fine, why are you up here?" He's very skinny and short, similar to Skylar but damn is Skylar toned as all hell, he has a solid six pack that you can probably break planks over. He used to be skinny and weak, but now he's way stronger and has a healthy body to go with it. I have Felix to thank for taking care of my baby brother.

"I just wanted to speak to you, without other people..." He rubs his hands together, the tips of his ears glowing pink, "N-not that they aren't good people, your family is great! It's just that... there are things that only you will understand."

I know what he's talking about, it's a painful memory to kick up again, but if it's painful for me, it has to be amplified tenfold for Owen. And anything I can do for little Owen, I will he's a friend now. My arm goes around his shoulders, I know I love physical reassurance, perhaps this is more selfish than selfless, but if we are going to talk about that then I'd rather I be comfortable. "Go ahead, I'm all ears."

"I- umm. My situation is a bit like yours. I was in University at the time, the basketball team were dicks..." I listen intently, cringing when things got graphic. Even thinking about it makes me flinch, the feeling of being degraded, used coupled with the inability to retaliate, the pressure of ruining something you've worked towards. It isn't a pretty scene, the aftermath is worse.

My surprise came when he says he has never spoken to Roman after the breakup. I don't know Roman too well personally, but I am rather close to Aaron so I know bits and pieces when he stops by the shop for a coffee. And from the description of Roman, I didn't think he'd leave Owen without a chance to explain. He felt the same way I did, dirty, used.

I had family to support me, granted at the time I had already lost Skylar, my parents still cared for me. At least parent if we are being precise, mom never really cared, did she?

"I'm glad you trust me enough to speak about this to me... it really does mean a lot." He draws his legs up on the swing, pressing his chin to his knees. "I guess it's an ego boost." I joke, and he laughs.

His laugh is just as chipper as Skylar's. If I had known him 5 years back, maybe he'd be a replica of Skylar. Who knows?

"Like I said, it's only fair that you came out with your story to everyone, that I did for mine. At least to you." That really made me smile. This isn't just personal, but it's also painful just to think about.

"You live on your own? No family? Nothing?" I ask quietly, from the story he told me, his family is not a particularly sensitive topic, so I don't think I'm over stepping here. But I'm Ryland Cook, I can be dense as lead and I wouldn't bat an eye.

"Not really... no. The closest thing I had was Roman and grandma, but now that I've graduated, I'm on my own. Grandma passed recently so I have to move out." He speaks low, not really upset, just in his own thoughts there for a moment. "At least I know the both Grandma and Roman are doing great." He smiles, slightly sad, but a smile nonetheless.

If I learnt one thing from Skylar, it would be to smile. Even when you don't feel like it, just moving those cheeks up would make you feel slightly better. It's a chore and taxing to have to smile, but focusing on the good will distract you from what's most likely going to pass. And time can heal a lot, not all, but you'd be surprised at how much it does fix. Just look at Skylar and dad, Felix and I, Owen and Roman. It might take close to a decade, but at least it worked.

"I don't know you enough to say that you're going to be fine. But I promise that being with my family will make you happier." I stare out at the slightly cloudy sky, it's a great day today, the UV light isn't cooking me alive and I get a nice blue sky with some sun. "And those scars on your wrist won't come back." I remember them, they look agitated and purple, perhaps a couple weeks old, not recent enough to warrant him a trip to the clinic, but not old enough to not keep him in check. Having someone ask how my day has been is the least they can do to help me recover. And I know everyone will do their best to do the same for Owen.

His head drops on my shoulder, "Is Felix a good friend? Or are you two dating?" At this point, the secret really isn't a secret anymore. It was supposed to be, at least for a little while, I don't like announcing things when they are early in development.

"That idiot?" I scoff, slightly amused that he hasn't picked up on the clear couple dynamic. I mean we are the perfect couple, are we not? Who am I kidding? Of course we aren't. Apart from the occasional kiss and pich on the ass cheek, we really are just regular friends. At least in front of others, "He's my boyfriend. Not the ideal one, the moron doesn't understand the concept of mediation. He is either cuddling with me or grunting while lifting weights. No in between."

Owen chuckles, "Sounds like Roman, only he's too cynical for his own good..."

Poor guy, he's clearly still in love. He has the googly eyes and shy voice to lead by example. If only one day, I would fall in love. And as much as it sounds foreign to me, I know Felix is a suitable candidate for that spot in my heart. Like I said, nothing is 'alright', I just need to accept that he's an idiot sometimes and I am too.

"I can tell he's doing good for himself, new boyfriend, steady friend group. I'm happy for him." He adds with a heartbreaking shakiness to his voice. "He... he deserves it. Roman's had it tough." He nods to himself, sniffling as he does so.

"With a low price of selling your birth certificate to my dad, you too, can be in our friend group." He laughs out loud, genuine laughter. "For real, my dad has a thing for being god father of everyone. He's weird as shit but I love him more than life itself."

"I never had a dad... I had two mums." That surprises me slightly, "They were murdered though, hate case, got shot during a pride parade." His voice dwindling, so is his fire. "Partly why I wanted to move to California and then here, it was too much being around in London. I got paranoid..."

Poor kid. If I had that kind of fear in my life, I'd go crazy in half a second. "Well you are welcome to our family any time. My dad would be more than happy to 'recruit' you. He's already done that to my boss and my boyfriend. Might as well snatch my boyfriend's boss'... ex-boyfriend? Is that right?"

Instead of answering he hugs me. "Thank you, but I think I need some time. It's been too long without people around me. Having a clique all of a sudden doesn't quite sit well."

"There are really big personalities in that so called clique alright." I snort, hugging him back cautiously, I'm not a particularly strong person, even less so when compared to the people inside the apartment. But Owen is so tiny it feels as though he would snap in half if I tried a tad too hard.

He's going to be alright. I know it.

He will find someone who loves him, cherishes him.

~

"Happy New Year!" Confetti flying everywhere, luckily I limited the confetti to only be on the hardwood floor, I am not sweeping that shit if it gets on the carpet. Again, housewife is showing.

Owen is now speaking to my dad, Skylar jumping on chairs in his onesie, Felix trying to manage both Skylar and containing his frustration with confetti being in his face. This is disaster waiting to happen. If any one makes a wrong move, everything can go into panic mode very quickly. And knowing everyone in this room, we are all worried mama hens that flock to wherever damage occurs.

Skylar trips after a very nasty sounding cough, it sounds like he has a build up of mucus in his lungs, I read that in a book somewhere. Felix catches him, my dad freaks out and swears a bunch, Owen looks just about to fall over. And I'm standing with my head bowed and fingers crossed that we don't get a noise complaint.

"School starts on Monday!" Skylar groans his voice cracks, he's had his fun over the past couple of weeks. "Why! Why must they do this to me!" He falls over into Owen, hand over his forehead as he makes a dramatic exit, into his DIY Saturday night sitcom.

"Hey son?" Skylar looks up, then groans in fake agony falling back again, chanting why again and again. "Guess who's retired?"

Everyone shoots him a glare, the old man loves rubbing in our faces how he's living the best life he can ask for. Retired at age 47, with properties that bring him income and two sons that send him money even though he doesn't want it. Not that I mind of course, I have enough even after sending a quarter my income, the other quarter goes to mom. At least I know he's happy.

I wonder how mom is doing? Perhaps celebrating with my Aunt and Uncle? Should I be caring?

Promptly after cleaning up and having the rest of the cake. I make my way into the bedroom, flopping onto the comforter with everything still on. Felix walks in quickly, he still thinks I'm upset from the cake incident. To be fair, it is his fault.

"Hey, babe." He slips into the bathroom, grabbing his toothbrush and starts brushing just like I am. His arm slips around my waist, pulling me into his onesie covered body. I blush, not because this is intimate but because he is a human oven, his body heat is at least 5 degrees above normal. Maybe an exaggeration. "Sorry about this morning..."

"Felix, I'm not mad, at least not anymore. Just read the post-its on the container before stuffing your face next time. Can you do that for me?" He quickly strips into his underwear, I've been told he sleeps naked, but he hasn't yet, which is a relief. I don't want man parts touching me just yet.

I like Felix a lot, but it's not love. Not yet. And I don't want to feel like I'm being used again, maybe it's really stupid for me to think that way but until I can trust that he 'loves' me I can't subject myself to sexual relations. Not after high school.

"Of course..." he quickly gives me a gentle kiss, he's a great kisser for sure. I said that once, I can say it again. "Why... why didn't you tell me earlier. About what happened in high school."

I freeze a little, laying down on the bed and try to keep my breathing steady. "I don't know. There isn't much to tell is there?"

"It's a big deal Ryland! I can't believe you kept it from me." His control freak side is showing, but I'm getting irritated that he thinks I have to share it with him. Maybe I am being hypocritical since I've talked more about it with Owen, but he has personal experience, and I feel less violated when I speak about the incidents with Owen.

"Felix. We've been dating for a very short period of time, you can't possibly think that I'd spill something that personal to you." Despite fighting, I still snuggle into his arms. His hands go to their normal places, one on my butt, the other under my head.

"I told you about my family. That's personal to me." His forehead finds mine, arms tightening as if I'd go away at this hour of night.

"Everyone is different Felix." I choke in a sob, I hate crying in front of Felix. He gets uncomfortable from it because he doesn't know how to cope. "The fact that I still cuddle with you should prove to you how much I trust you. Does it not? I usually dislike being touched."

"Right... you're right." He sighs, "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to make you upset or pick a fight here."

At least he gets that part.

"What is it then?"

"I don't know... I've never cared enough for another person other than Skylar. I'm just not used to being unable to look at you and see what's going through your head." He sighs, pressing kisses to my forehead.

My fingers trace his scars, he has quite a few visible ones, even more that have faded. The one I'm most curious about is the one on his eyebrow, it's the one that makes him look scary. "That comes with time Felix. I'm happy with where we are, we've fought way more than other people, but at least we know how to apologise properly."

"I'm really scared of loosing one of you Cooks. I don't get attached easily, but when I do, I get paranoid. Hence the serious tiger mom that forces its way out." He does feel like that kind of person, the type that jumps 6 foot deep into a relationship if he likes the person, platonic or romantic. Skylar, Dad and I... I can tell he's very attached to our family.

"Don't worry, even if we break up I'll still be around. You being a son of my father, best friend of my brother. It will be a right bitch to deal with, but I'll still be around." I joke, he chuckles but it doesn't reach his voice, I can tell he's actually scared, petrified. "It's alright Felix. I don't care about your past, whatever drugs or whoever you had sex with I don't care. I trust you are different now, and my dad feels the same way."

"Thank you. I swear I'd take a bat to the head for you guys. It's pathetic, really. I would rather be out cold than to see you in pain."

"Yeah, about that. Don't you fucking die on me, I will revive you myself just to bring you down to hell with me. I already have a special place down there."

"Fucking relationship goals..." He says sarcastically. We stay silent for a moment, shifting around on the bed so I don't kill his arm under my head by cutting off his circulation. "Want to go work out tomorrow? Like a work out date?"